Kanye Has To Cum For You?

Kanye West flipped on Twitter. Whatever. Amber Rose said she put her finger in his ass. Cool. The problem? PEOPLE flipped at that point. People thought it was nuts that Amber Rose and Kanye West (two adults who can do what they like) would do something INSANE like play with butts. Their own butts. The butts they own and operate. The butts they lay claim to. The butts that in Jurassic Park, when Samuel L. Jackson says 'Hold on to your butts,' they would have held on to. 

Kanye, a straight man who makes great music, isn't allowed to have a hot straight woman put a finger in his ass? That's wrong somehow? What does a man have to give to the world until he is able to come on his terms? Ten great albums? A thousands hit singles? Billions of beats before he can do the things that make him come, instead of coming for you and your weird thoughts? WHY MUST HE COME FOR YOU? Why must everyone in society come to the same things that you come to? You're into super tiny women whose collar bones could cut through a t-shirt? Good. Come to them. Some people would rather toss their dick in a furnace than jerk to tiny baby women, but the world widely accepts tiny baby women, so apparently everyone should jerk to them. The whole universe decided that Princess whatever her name is is the epitome of what a woman should look like. Other people would rather make love to a beefeater hat. LET THEM ENJOY THE BEEFEATER HAT IF THAT'S WHAT THEY'D RATHER DO.

It's very sad whether the 'allegation' is true or not, that a 'finger in the butt' can be used as an attack against a man. And that this man, KNOWING this can be used as an attack, feels that he has to respond with 'I don't do that' or 'I don't even have an ass.' That's insane. Man's rich, can do what he wants. Should come out and say, 'Yep! Finger in the ass, money in the bank!' 

So many people are coming for other people. So many people are out there, dating types of people that are widely accepted by society, solely so they are not judged or feel weird. There is for sure a person out there who only want to date little people, only attracted to little people, but are dating regular sized people because society hasn't deemed little people completely okay to be seen with yet unless you are also a little person. So THIS person, is dating regular people for you! Coming for you! And do YOU thank them? No! All you do is see them and STILL judge who they are with and what they're doing. You should say SOMETHING.

'Hey buddy! I know you can only REALLY come if you're with a woman who's 6'5", but personally I find that disgusting and I'm thankful as HELL you didn't bring one of those monstrous freaks into this bar. You brought a regular-height lady, who doesn't hurt MY sensibilities and limited brain, and for THAT, I thank you. Here's a free drink for coming at about a thirty percent.'

Some people think that butt stuff is a gay thing. That is insanely stupid. If a straight woman, does something to a straight man, it CANNOT be a gay thing by definition. A gay thing is between two members of the same sex. A woman could throw a beer can into a man's butt and it's not gay. A woman could jam a door handle into a man and that's not gay. IT'S SEX BETWEEN TWO STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Are two straight people kissing gay? Why not? Gay people kiss. If a woman jerks your bag with her hand, is that gay? WHY THE HELL NOT? A gay man is out there jerking another gay man's bag. WHY IS IT ONLY WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO A BUTT IT'S GAY OR CONSIDERED A GAY THING? Gay people do all of these other sex things as well. Gay people pay their bills! Is paying your bills some kind of gay thing?

'Dude, you're not gonna give your money to Time Warner, are you? I thought I knew you.'

What is everyones issue with butts? What is your problem with butts? WHY ARE YOU ABOVE HAVING THINGS OR PEOPLE OR PLACES IN YOUR BUTT? 

'Don't put that in my butt. Stop touching my butt! MY BUTT IS A PASSAGE WAY TO JESUS!'

Look, it's 2016. How many times can you go the ol' regular penis to vagina route. The OL' penis to mouth. The ever-ready vagina to mouth. The OLLLLLLLL' standard hand to penis and vagina. CHRIST. How good is your phone going to get? How FAST is the internet going to be? We've done it all, okay? You've come the same way for years. Time to go to the butt! Everyone! All of us! Straight people! Men, women! EVERYONE. One day, people are going to look back on this time, the time that there were COUNTless articles about 'People are into butt stuff now!' and call us all losers. A finger in the butt is the craziest thing you've ever heard? Are you twelve? Then fine, I get it. But if you are an adult, and finger in the butt is the CRAZIEST thing you've ever heard, it must be nice to live in such put together world. 

If you pay taxes and you care about what another person does with their butt, you're nuts. If you don't pay taxes and you care about what someone puts in their butt, grow up. Or at the VERY least, if a person does a butt thing, for GOD'S sake, let them have that. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

9 TIMES I WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE REVENANT

The Revenant is a great movie, and also made me think of how many times I would have died in the 1800's. I wouldn't have made it anywhere. People say they wouldn't be able to sleep inside of a dead horse. I'd be done a LONG time before I'm thrown off the cliff on a horse.

WALKING IN A RIVER WEARING FUR

You ever try walking through a river? Not the easiest. Have you ever tried walking through a river while you're wrapped up in comforters? It's PRETTY tough. So if you're draped in a dead bear and have to cross a river? Not happening. First time someone said we had to cross this river, I'd say where's the bridge? They'd say stop being a baby, walk the river, and I'd say, NOPE! Good night, friends. I'm laying here until I'm dead like the bear I'm wearing. 

WEARING WET MOCCASINS 

If today, in 2016, I'm going somewhere and I step in a puddle, I'm going home. That's the end of going to wherever I was going to. No more friends house, bank trip, grocery store, wherever. It's toast. People in The Revenant are constantly in and out of cold rivers wearing cloth shoes. No socks, just the hide of a mir cat or whatever. You step out of a river, and don't dry off, just keep walking a trail? Nope. Not me. First step in a river wearing the skin of a cat, I'm laying down and waiting for trench foot or whatever to kill me. 

HAVING DRY MOCCASINS

I mean, moccasins? You kidding me? A flappy little shoe while walking in the wilderness? No arch support? No air bubbles for cushioning? Just deer hide tied around your foot? No way. No different colours to stand out amongst the other people walking through the woods with you? No different brands? Can't do it. Your foot is going to feel AWFUL stepping on sticks and rocks. If I have to wear the same dirt animal skin on my foot as everyone else, I'm out. I'm laying down and waiting for Adidas to exist.

SLEEPING OUTSIDE

I can't. Once houses with electricity and running water became real, the woods became a place we should only ever be lost in. The woods are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half. I can barely sleep in a hotel room, but the woods? On the ground, beside some trees that animals pee on? And that's NOW, but if I had to sleep with no sleeping bags and inside a couple of sticks put together with fur draped over it? Can't do it. I'll lay on the ground and wait for apartment buildings. 

THE WOODS ARE EVERYWHERE

So, the woods, which are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half are the ONLY thing around? What are we walking for? Why are we continuing on this journey only to get to more trees? I'm done. I like cities. I like people. I like houses. I like looking down a road and seeing SOMETHING. I like looking down a road! Not just a trail of death to nothing. Just walking through the woods, only to get to more woods? Yuck. What would be the point?

'Hey, where are we?'

'The woods.'

'And where are we going?'

'It's all woods, broheem.'

Goodnight, world. I would lay down and wait for the future and cities to be built around me.

EATING A BISON HEART

Not today, daddy. I've walked out of a sandwich place that didn't have avocado. I can't eat a raw bison heart. If someone throws you a raw bison heart, you can't ask them for hot sauce, a plate, avocado, bread. Nothing. If they had ANY of that, they wouldn't have thrown you a raw bison heart. They'd toss a side as well. But there's none of that. It's The Revenant. No Franks Red Hot, no paper plates. So a raw bison heart? No, sir. I'm using the bison heart as a pillow, and going to sleep on it until restaurants happen. 

LIGHTING A FIRE

I was in boy scouts, and it would be nice to say that if I'm alone in the woods and it gets dark, I can light a fire and stay warm. Be nice to say, but not true at all. In boy scouts I learned that you might have to sell apples outside of a liquor to raise money. I learned I can't tie any knots. I learned that if your parents are the scout leaders, then your cub car is a winner no matter what. Didn't learn how to light a fire out of nothing. First night in the woods where a fire is needed? That's it. I'm laying down, and waiting for cold death to take me out.

FIRST CAMP ATTACK

So I just killed a deer, and I hear that people are clearly attacking the camp that I am supposed to drag this deer back to. Do I leave the deer and head back to fight? NOPE. I stay with the deer until the heat dies down, then I go back to the camp and check all my dead friends for hot sauce. I sit down, I cook the deer, douse it in hot sauce and that's it. I run out of deer? I wait for jesus to come and take me. 

NO GLOVES

No one is The Revenant has gloves. At least not good gloves. They have a cows uterus or an eagles skinned back wrapped around their hands, but that's not enough. That's not insulated. There's no heat tech there. They didn't have gloves or pockets. If you'r wearing the fur of a dead animal without gloves? You also have no pockets to tuck your hands into. If I'm walking around in the freezing cold with no gloves or no pockets? I'm going home. If I'm doing that AND having to fight off bears and old man winter? I'm done. I'm laying down and waiting for frost bite to take me away. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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