Black Storm Trooper

Someone told me the other day that there was a real man who committed suicide because he was so upset that during the first trailer for the new Star Wars movie, it showed a black Storm Trooper. Such a racist AND fan of Star Wars at the same time, that he killed himself after seeing this. Now.... over the top? Understatement. The most understated understatement of all time. Side note, it must be very hard to be racist and keep liking pop culture. GOT TO be hard. Just about every twelve seconds, you're going to have to throw away something you like. 

'You see this new movie? I loved it.'

'Oh yeah? You changing? It's director by a black guy.'

'Are you KIDDING ME?! Why in the hell did NetFliKKK recommend this to me?! Cancelling THAT subscription!'

Personally, do not care if a Storm Trooper is black or white. My issue? Is why is a Storm Trooper a human at all. Why? What was the point of that? I always assumed the Storm Troopers were mindless bodies just locked into helping the dark side no matter what. Like a zombie. They didn't really choose this, they just have to do it. Now we have to think of a Storm Troopers feelings? We have to think about their thought process in the morning while putting on the white plastic suit?

'You're just gonna go into work today, huh? It's your sons birthday and you're just gonna go into work.'

'Just go into work'. You here yourself? I work for an EMPEROR. You think a emperor who hates all things good is gonna give a Jar Jar's ass about our sons birthday?'

'Well couldn't you switch shifts with someone? Can't you ask Donnie to cover fo...?'

'Donnie was choked from across the room last week for taking an extra five minutes on his lunch break! Donnie is dead! DONNIE IS DEAD!'

'... Look, I know you're under a lot of stress, but please stop yelling.'

'Stressed? Stressed!? Janice... I can't even... Pass me my helmet.'

Why make them real people. More casting options? More roles to toss people into? 

'Hey, I want to put this guy in the movie.'

'All the roles are filled, man. No room.'

'Come ON! Make him one of the faceless drones out there.'

'... Sure, you're friends a faceless drone.'

'And have a scene where he takes his damn helmet off! I owe this friend a HUGE favour.'

Are we supposed to care about Storm Troopers now? When we see a Storm Trooper take a laser beam to the chest and fall into a bottomless pit, are we supposed to feel something?

'No! You can't slash that Storm Trooper in half! He's got a family! It's his sons birthday! I know he's wearing a mask that makes him look like a emotionless killer, but he's a PERSON! The Dark Side doesn't even have a good life insurance plan. There BETTER be a scene in this movie where other Storm Troopers go to his wife's house and telling her about their falling friend and her dead husband.'

Honestly, there are many other characters to care about who have stories that we follow. There is NO reason to make Storm Troopers people. Why not go back and show us that No Heart from the Care Bears was a loving Grand Father who was just trying to make a bear less world for his grand children who are horrified of them? Oh, it turns out that Scar actually donated to a lot of charities for the preservation of rare African birds. Mufasa told him once that was a stupid idea because the money doesn't ACTUALLY get to the birds. So now we're all conflicted. 

At the end of this WHOLE thing, HUGE chance that the man in the Storm Trooper suit in the trailer is NOT a Storm Trooper, but wearing one to break out of some sort of Dark Side Palace. It's a movie anyway. We're just talking.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Voting and Politics and Jokes and Whatever.

Voted against Harper the first time. I was in college at the time and people were yelling, 'He's going to make abortions illegal! He's going to sell vaginas to China!' Bunch of craziness, but I though, 'I don't like that, I'm voting!' As we know, he won. Does that mean my vote didn't count? No. Someone, somewhere, in a cold, dark room, where water dripped from the ceiling as they were being whipped by a mountie screaming, 'Count them!', counted my vote. It was logged somewhere.  It was counted, there just wasn't enough of them to beat the votes the other way. 

People say their vote doesn't count. NOT voting for sure does'nt count.

'My vote doesn't count.'

'Did you vote?'

'No.'

'Well then yes, you're right.'

Some don't want to vote because 'nothing will change', and sure, maybe things won't change too much. Maybe you won't be given a hundred dollars every time you leave your house, but some people are trying. Not to give you a hundred dollars every time you leave your house. That won't happen. What could happen though, is a movement towards a better country which you believe in. Some better things done with the place you live in. If you lived in an apartment building, and there was a vote to have the front of the building lit on fire constantly, and you could vote against that, why go 'I don't care? I live in the back of the building. Doesn't affect me.' It's your building! The whole thing! Not just the small space you live in. 

'Can you stop these people from pissing in the hallways?'

'Do you live in the hallways? No. Don't let them in your house.'

'But if they win a majority government, legally they could come into my house and piss wherever they wanted!'

'Already stopped listening! Door closed. And a good day to YOU, sir.'

If nothing else, vote so that you can join in the conversations that are GOING TO HAPPEN at your job, at your house, in a store, in the papers, WINNERS, libraries, A&W's, where ever. If you don't vote, you can't complain about what's happening in government. Just doesn't make sense. 

It's an interesting thing as well. People who are already benefiting from a system of government will continue to vote so that government keeps benefiting them. People who aren't benefiting from this government, will not vote because they are so beaten by the government that is in power they think their is no point. Won't vote when it could make things better for them, but WILL vote when the government is already helping them. Kind of how people believe in relationships if they've been in some good ones. If not?

'There's nothing out there for me. Sure, they want to meet up Friday. Yeah, but night three they turn into a murderer who instantly wants to move in with me. They cry, I cry, then we're both single again. What's the point? Alone forever, in the woods of 'do whatever I want' county. That's me. For life.'

People who have  come up with the conservative government will continue to show up and vote. Quick thing here, and barely to do with the party, the word Conservative is just a gross word. Conservative. Nothing fun, interesting, good, entertaining, enjoyable about that word. That isn't to say that SOME of their ideas are smart and just, just that the word, Conservative, woa. What a word. Doesn't work in a lot of situations. Conservative gambling. Conservative sex. Conservative fun. Conservative banking. Conservative Christmas. Conservative clothing. Not in a lot of situations. NDP doesn't work in a lot of those things either, just because NDP is an acronym, not a verb, so like, you know. New Democratic Party sex is also not a good time. 

Also, when we say 'Conservative Party', let's drop the party. Conservative people don't have parties. They have gatherings of stiffs eating cheese, wearing black shoes, stumbling from conversation to conversation with inane small talk. 

 'Hiiiii! Nice to see you! You having a good time? Okay, good. Right? LOVE the meat trays. Yep, having some wine. Don't have to ask me twice! Or even ONCE for that matter. Did you have trouble getting here?  I KNOW. This wind is batty.'

That is a Conservative 'party'. Just a bunch of old crows squawking it up. Change the name. Conservative murder. A murder of Conservatives. 

Voting is kinda fun as well. Go to a convention center you've never been in, wait in a line, meet some old people. Waiting in line at a convention center while meeting old people drinking Tim Hortons? Come on! Big day. Alright, it's not the most fun thing, but it's also not the least. If the options of your day are voting being hoofed in the bag by a Nautical winter boot, hope to christ you choose voting. Whichever party, which ever ideals, just vote. If you do not vote, and you start to say that the people in charge have no idea what they are doing, a hoof should go to your bag. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

YOU Can OWN A DRUG.

Martin Shkreli seems to be an evil man with a lack of compassion for human beings. I would assume that EVERY thing on earth is dollars and cents to him. Does this make money? Then don't do it. What is the time between helping people versus the money I could make by not helping them? 

'Hey, Martin. Can you pick me up from the airport?'

'Well, technically, yes. Let's see, I live about fifteen miles from the airport, which is thirty to and from, I'll burn about six dollars worth of gas, so I'll charge you seven dollars for the gas and a pick up fee of three dollars. Ten dollars, and I'll leave right now.'

'Martin, I'm your Mother.'

'Yes, and I can't let that get in the way of business. I'm soft on you, next thing I know I'm signing a deal where I'll only make forty million dollars!'

'.... Martin.... I've never been more proud of you! I'm giving you twenty dollars.'

Is the only thing that makes a person this way capitalism? Is that it? Does it have anything to do with parenting? If parenting plays apart, I'm assuming the criminals that made this Martin piece of equipment must have conceived this animal in a bank vault.  Scrooge McDuck style. 

'Oh, Mortimus, I believe my vagina is deferring in anticipation of your NasDaq rising within the confines of my savings account.'

'God, Mafalda, you know I love it when you talk dirty in banking terms.'

'You want to get REALLY dirty, let's talk about me re-mortgaging your portfolio's in my mouth.'

'Jesus Christ! To the vault!'

Some of the greed and such has to come from parents. Right? That smirk fest of a face Martin has got to be the most punchable thing anyone has seen in years. Answers a questions, and smirks. When not answering questions, he has facial twitches of a person who's parents were too busy in a loveless marriage to even touch him.

'Honey, our son is doing that weird anti social again where he...'

'Don't you 'HONEY' me! Really? You're going to HONEY me? In this show marriage? We've been living a lie for years!'

'Four years ago you had my portfolios in your mouth, now you're telling me this is all a fake.'

'You know it is, Mortimus! YOU KNOW IT IS! I put your unkept portfolios in my mouth so that I, Mafalda, would have a portfolio of my own.'

'... Are we still talking about my balls?'

'Don't you SWEAR in this house!'

That twitch is either years and years of parents screaming at each other, never given you any credit for anything that you do. Or, you were picked on. Kept feelings inside and now they try to jump through your face. Do I know anything? No. These are just thoughts and opinions. But those expressions are SOMETHING. They are not just 'who he is'. They are from something, somewhere. Instead of looking at these things though, for Martin it was the ultimate money chase. Just get out there, get money, and THAT will solve it all. All questions can be answered with an account.

'You okay?'

'I got money.'

'You sad?'

'I got money.'

'You feel fulfilled in life?'

'My bank is fulfilled.'

Great, Martin, you have a ton of money. Good job. Every think about not having the characteristics of a fly, though? Ever think that your unholy bullshit smirk is enough in a lot of circles to get your head tossed through a window? Ever talk to someone, see that they have become really uncomfortable with how your eyes hard blink for zero reason and think, 'Huh, maybe I should work on my social skills.' There are plenty of things money can't buy, one being the ability to talk to other humans who aren't rich strang-ies. 

It's interesting that someone can buy a company and deal with people who are very much unlike them. A rich person is not selling to other rich people. They are selling to the most in need. Selling to people they wouldn't even have met at one of their power lunches. Never. They've never truly come into contact with each other, but now, one is selling to the other. 

Rappers talk about the money they have, but they ain't buying the rights to drugs. For all the rappers who say they make millions selling cocaine, NONE of them have the money to buy the rights to it. 

'Yo, I'm looking for a bump.'

'Well, you've clearly never boughten drugs before, and clearly I shouldn't be selling them, but cool. All the coke comes through Young Jeezy now, and you have to buy it AND all of his mixtapes.'

'Okay. How much?'

'Coke is free. Mixtapes are a thousand each.'

'Christ! I don't have that kind of money!'

'Well, hit the bricks, bud. We're done.'

And yes, I know you can't buy the rights to cocaine because it's illegal, but technically, you could own the rights to it. It's a little bit bloodier of a process then just being a hedge fund manager and 'earning' the money the 'legal' way, but still, rappers ain't even CLOSE to a thirty two year old hedge fund manager. He is described as a former hedge fund manager. Former! At 32, already retired from a job I'm assuming is basically sitting in a room and being paid an unbelievable amount of money. 

'How much did you make today?'

'Well, I took the day off. So, two hundred grand?'

'Yikes. Rough one, huh?'

Yes, the man has a lot of money. Some people look at money as being the only thing that counts from a person. If you have a ton of money, no matter who you are and what you do, some people will still look at you like a hero. 

'That guy sucks.'

'Well, he's a super duper ba buper billionaire da da da luper naire. He's great.' 

That means DICK. Making a ton of money doesn't make you smart, creative, interesting, talented, or a good person. You're talented at making money. You're smart at investing. Good. Does NOT mean what you put into the world is good. That it does not. 

Yes, Martin is not the only person or company on the planet robbing and destroying things. There are plenty more, but many of them we do not have a face for them. It's just a logo that we should be avoiding. This one? HAS a face. We've seen it. We've heard it defend itself with 'profits' and 'to further help patients.' Please. We've seen this face, and reacted. People get mad at many companies for many great reasons, but if each of them had a inhuman creature tweeting back at their concerns? We might have a different view of all of them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh