Steve Jobs Movies.

I am writing this on an Apple product. During the writing of this, I checked the other Apple product I have multiple times. For texts, for Instagram likes, even for Facebook after I checked Facebook on this Apple product and thought, 'Huh, THIS one has nothing, but maybe Facebook on my other Apple product does.' Even though I write this on an Apple product while every three seconds checking my other Apple product, I'm not a huge fan of the man that created these: Sir Steve Jobs. Señor Steve had the ideas for these products I'm assuming while sweating out the demons on a river boat in the Amazon after being bit by a poisonous spider.

"Steve... how are you doing? You've been out the last couple of days. You feeling better?'

'I.... had a vision. A vision... about advances in technology.... that would stop people from looking each other in the face again..... destroy languages as we know them and leave them as only abbreviations.... censor what people type by changing say 'fuck' to 'duck', and 'yell' to 'tell'.... and... the best part... is the vision was of the same product done in four different ways.... a laptop, a phone, a bigger, more useless thing that's half way between phone and laptop, and a watch... to really take people's money.....'

'Holy Christ. That's horrifying.'

'Yes.... I'm going to get to work on it when I get better.... What are you doing with that pillow?!'

'I can't have this happen!'

Every year on the anniversary of Duke Steve's death, we see pictures of him in magazines, always with the same expression. Maybe he's looking at us leaning on a hand. Maybe he's looking down at his hands, with  a 'I created earth' feel on his face. Maybe he's doing nothing but looking, right into our souls, saying, 'The thing I made is in your pocket, huh? It's in yo girls pocket too!' No matter the look, we can be sure about one thing. He will be wearing a black turtleneck. Ol' Capitano Steve ALWAYS wore a black turtleneck. Why? Because that's what geniuses do. A genius is apparently SO genius-y that they have no time to change. They will just buy the same thing a hundred times, to get to the real work. If you do this and are not smart, we would call you an insane maniac that needs to talk to someone with a psychology degree about this.

'Have you seen Jeff?"

'Yeah. He just bought seven of the same pair of pants.'

'... Do you think we should tell the cops that we might know who beheaded that woman in the park?'

'OH yeah.'

We just decided at one point that that's the mark of a genius. Wearing the same damn thing every day and creating makes you a hero. What if they're a smart person who's also disgusting? We only SEE the pictures of Steve Jobs. If we could SMELL them, maybe we'd have a different opinion of this man. 

'Yeah, I photographed Colonel Jobs a few times, and let me tell you, I used a LONG lens. I mean, the man smelled as old and dusty as an iPod Nano. Guy had the aroma of an IOS crash. Just DIRTY. El Steve-O should have made a shower head that let's you check your texts. Maybe then he'd hit the shower at least ONCE. I just tossed my iPad at him for him to sign. Was NOT going to get close to him.'

This Summer, Hollywood is doing it again. Hollywood has decided that Spiderman and Doctor Jobs are the same. They each need a movie made about them every two years. Another movie about Lieutenant Jobs is on it's way. ANOTHER movie about a man who's story has not changed. ANOTHER movie where Staff Sargent Steve creates Apple. ANOTHER movie where Count Jobs yells at people and says, 'It can be done!' while he goes through his closet for the SAME DAMN TURTLENECK.

'Get it done! I don't care! Now, where's my turtleneck?'

'Sir... you're wearing it.'

SLAP

'Don't you EVER talk to me like that. This is my 'yell at people who work for me and maybe slap them when they get out of line' turtleneck. I need my 'the confidence to call the employees who work in my stores 'geniuses' turtleneck. Can you help with that, DENNIS? No? Then take your shit to Microsoft!'

Who in the world was asking for another movie about this man? WHO? Where are you?! WHERE! Do you have sex with your iPhone? Do you take your iPad in the shower with you? Were other movies about Professor Jobs the first movies you had seen once you were released from that dungeon where you had been held against your will since '68?

'I was underground for forty years. I survived by drinking fish heads and eating water, only to FINALLY be released and find out that you're supposed to EAT the fish heads and DRINK the water. What do you want from me? I was thrown in a pit at two months old! Anyway, first thing I saw after the sun destroyed my eyes, was a poster for a 'movie', about a 'man', who created a 'product.' I just learned all these words. It really spoke to me, so I would love it if more movies about this man could be made.' 

People make fun of Rocky movies sometimes because there are so many. Rocky movies have been being made since 1977 though. Lot of time. There are soon to be seven Rocky movies, but in each movie, there is a new story. Rocky gets a chance to fight the world champ, Rocky fights him again and wins. Rocky is carried for years and fights a man he can't beat, then does it. Rocky goes to Russia and beats that animal. Rocky loses all his money and trains a man who then fights him outside a bar. Rocky loses his wife, and fights a man in his fifties because of a computer fight. And coming up, Rocky trains the son of the world champ that he fought in the beginning. Nurse Jobs? Same story every time.

'Made a computer, talked to people. Made an iPod, yelled at people. Made a phone, died. This Summer, watch it ALL again, for the first time.'

How many are they going to make? The last one didn't capture the essence of First Officer Jobs?People were upset that Ashton played Vice President Steve? Good. Get every actor in Hollywood to play Emperor Steve. Let's see all the nuances. 'Nicholson's Jobs. Tina Fey REALLY explores his eye movements.' One day there'll be three movies in the same theatre at the same time about him.

'Going to see the Steve Jobs movie.'

'Which one? Starring Johnny Depp or Michael Cera?'

'Neither. Jason Statham.'

'Ooooooh. Nice. Heard they get to the bottom of Deputy Jobs's workout routine in that one.'

No matter how many they make, they will NEVER tell some other sides of Apple. The head of a company screaming at someone, 'But if we pay Americans to make the stuff, we'll have to pay them more money!', and, 'But if we charged for the stuff  based on the prices we actually pay people to make the stuff, we wouldn't make as many billions of dollars!' That one won't be made. 

They'll keep making the one we apparently want. The tortured genius who was angry with people around him but for the greater good of humanity. The hero who made black turtlenecks a sexy piece of equipment. The one. The only. Dolphin Trainer Steve Jobs.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Blue Jay BandWagon Jumpers

The Blue Jays are doing great, bringing the 90's feeling back to the city. Most people are really happy about this. Some people? Some people who were fans when the Jays were not doing great are PISSED that the Jays have gotten new fans. The same way that people who are upset that the  band they were a fan of who used to play under a bridge, finds huge success and reaches a mass audience gets mad.

'What? YOU didn't love 'Bucket Of Garbage' like IIIIII did. I saw them play in a swamp. A swamp! I rode a gator... alone! I have a ticket stub from that show they did in a dumpster behind Sizzler! What right do you have to like them? What right?!'

Some people who were Jays fans even when they had that AWFUL angry 'Blue Jay' as a logo, are mad at newcomers. I went to some games when they had that logo, and always thought 'Blue Jays aren't angry. Why do they have this bird flying through lightning in these promos? This is baseball! Not the Gulf War.'  What was that logo? Who came up with that? Was that designed after Wrestleman 18 when Hollywood Hogan fought the Rock?

'Hey, you see that? These fans LOVE Hollywood Hogan. They're cheering for him more than they do the Jays!'

'You thinking what I'm thinking?'

'Hiring Hulk Hogan as the mascot?'

'... Not bad, but no. Making the Jays logo and entrance match his pants.'

'Woa, woa, woa! Hogan just leg dropped The Rock! I'm coming unglued! What did you say?'

To some degree, I get people being mad at bandwagon jumpers. I GET it, but I don't get it. 

Last year, I was doing shows in October in a small town with barely anything to do. The comedian I was with is a big baseball fan and he watched every World Series game that he could. I watched with him and really got into it. Understood how exciting it can be. I could never watch baseball on TV before. I always loved going to games, I played as a kid, but watching on TV? Couldn't do it. Just thought it was so boring.  Basketball sucked me in pretty easily. It's fast, it has music I like, cheerleaders are everywhere. 

'What are you guys watching?'

'A person with ADD's dream! Look! Fast paced, bouncing ball, tits, rap music, horns, tits! I can't stop!'

Baseball is a little different, but watching the World Series, I got into it.

I've always loved going to games. Baseball is one of the best sports to see live, because there's so many things happening. You want to watch a game? Go ahead. You want to sit and drink? Done. You want to sing songs loudly and play weird stadium games all night? They have that. You want to just scream at people? Okay. 

'What do you guys want to do tonight?'

'Whatever the hell I want? I might get drunk and tell a nine year old to suck it.'

'... Baseball?'

'Oh. Yeah. I'll get my 'Suck It' sign.'

I have four Blue Jays hats. One was bought after they started playing well, the others were  bought solely to represent Canada. The maple leaf logo is great. Just a Canadian simple on a nice hat? I'm in. I can't buy a Calgary Flames hat for Canada. I can't get a Vancouver Canucks Jersey to represent where I'm from. 

'Oh, sweet. Senators fan?'

'No. Just from Canada and I love it.'

'Why not just get a hat that says 'Canada' on it?'

'Because those hats are sold at Irving gas stations for twelve dollars and I don't like them.'

'Ah.... I'm a Sens fan. Ever been to Ottawa?'

Again, I GET why some people would be mad at newcomers, but why would you not want people to get excited? It's the only team in the country! All we have! When they are doing well, the entire country SHOULD jump on board. In the MLB, it is basically Blue Jays vs America. We are the only team represented for Canada. That is it. I've started watching because I live in NY, and I miss home. It's great to see them doing well, and it's great to see just Canadians getting excited about it. I met a guy from Calgary on the train in NY who saw my Jays hat, and started talking about what a fan he is. It's making people across the country happy. 

People who are mad are going to be mad regardless. Do you know how mad fans would have been if NO ONE had jumped on board? They would have been livid! The teams doing well and nobody cares? 

'Edwin hits 75 homers in a game and there's only six thousand people here?! This is ridiculous! How could people not get behind this team?! Where the hell are the fans!? Out there just sucking themselves? Christ.'

New fans show up.

'Oh, what the HELL. YOU weren't here when Bautista was out there wearing shorts and just laying down in the field. You can't come in here when he actually puts pants on and starts playing! I used to use your seat to put my beer on. Where am I going to put my beer now? My dumb hand?! Christ.'

Growing up, a friend of mine had tons of Blue Jays posters on his walls. Shots of the Skydome, Joe Carter, banners. Everything. We played Ken Griffey Jr's baseball on Super Nintendo and were always either Jays or Expos, OR the Mariners, just to sock dingers with Griffey. People were excited as hell about the Jays at the time, and it's great to see that happening again. Get mad at people for cheering if you want, but for me, I'm cheering for Canada. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Subway Had Fallen Apart a LONG Time Ago

Jared - so famous from losing weight through a sub cleanse that he only needs one name - has pled guilty to charges of having child porn and paying to have sex with minors. What's the fate of Jared? The man is more toasted than Italian herb and cheese. Subway has cut ties with him and I'm sure a lot of people will stop going there.

'Hey, you guys wanna eat at that place that a pedo used to stomp around in?'

'Your uncle's house?'

'Hilarious, man. Just hilarious.... Ya know, my aunt does make a mean egg salad.'

Jared has come crashing down. News outlets are ripping him apart. Heard him described as a 'fall from grace.' Fall from grace? He was a gigantic man who ate subs for money. There wasn't that much grace to fall from. The guy's entire fame was built on the fact that he lost hundreds of pounds eating bread. There's no WAY he lost that weight eating subs. How? No bread? No condiments? Did you just eat the yoga mats they used before putting them into bread? How did you do it?

'Can I have a sub?'

'Sure. What kind of bread?'

'No bread, thank you. And can you make the sub grilled chicken and broccoli?'

'...On what?'

'Look. There are people watching me. I have to keep my damn weight off. Just blow some oregano in my face and call it a cold cut.'

Jared became famous by turning a place that you go to when you're in a crunch for lunch into a fitness center, and we called him a hero for it. Why? Why did we ever believe that this was how he lost weight? We were really dumb about food in the late 90s/early 2000s.

'Huh. Makes sense. A giant piece of bread with tons of meat and cheese on it, topped with BBQ sauce DOES seem like a healthy option. I mean, it's not fried! That's gotta mean something!'

It is our fault, though. We didn't really ask WHICH kind of subs were the healthy ones. We just heard 'Subway is healthy' and went 'Sweet! Yes, extra cheese. I wanna be down ten pounds by summer!' 

Even if we DID know and care about the healthy subs, it's VERY hard to order a healthy sub when the unhealthy subs are advertised RIGHT BESIDE the healthy subs. You're going to try to eat well? You want to slim down? That's cool and everything, but for just fifty extra cents, you can get a sub that will actually taste good. 

'Well, I DO have that extra fifty cents. And I mean, that high school reunion isn't for aWHILE. Yep, I'll get the largest, cheesiest sub you have. Get these two quarters out of my pocket!'

We just didn't care! We heard Subway was healthy and before they could finish we went 'Ah ah ah, I got it. Go to Subway, eat healthy. On it.'

'No. But you can't just...'

'I'm GOING. What is wrong with you? Going right now. Order anything off the menu, I'll get healthy.'

No working out? No walking? Just crush a six inch Italian B.M.T on honey wheat? Strange way to lose weight.

'Welcome to the gym, everyone. Thanks for signing up. Now, let me tell you, you didn't have to do this. You know that Subway you passed? Well, you just do 12 reps of a footlong everyday and you'll lose weight. Yep. Fact. You wanna know what's lighter and easier to lift than actual weight? Subs. It's a fact. Subs.'

Subway used to care. In the late 90s/early 2000s, Subway cared about customers. When you would get a meatball sub, they would just load it up. Meatballs would be flopping all over the place. The artist would toss an extra couple of meatballs in the bag like napkins. Then Subway went corporate. 

'Meatball sub? Okay. Six inch? That is exactly 3.5 meatballs. Let me just cut this one in half. THERE we go. Taking ALL the fun out of lunch. BBQ sauce? Uh huh. Just a quarter tablespoon, annnnnnnnnd bam! Here is your completed, factory made sub. I am a robot.'

Subway changed a lot once this started happening. You MAY have been able to lose weight on the old Subway. A Subway where real food had at least been in the building. You CANNOT lose weight at the new Subway. The old Subway had lettuce from that day. Bread that was baked in or around the Subway. The meat was from an animal that walks the earth. The new Subway? NOTHING but terrible food. Lettuce is hanging on for dear life. The bread is made out of something that scientists are still studying. If anyone is able to lose weight on THIS Subway, THAT person should be famous.

'All I do is eat food that is manufactured and I lost three hundred pounds!'

'Wow! How in the hell did you do that?'

'Well, I cry a lot. I think that helps. AND I weep. Crying takes the weight off, weeping keeps it off.'

People are always shocked by a celebrity's actions. Why do people get famous and drive cars into pools? Why do celebrities think they can do whatever they want? Fame makes a lot of people think they are untouchable. Look at this guy! Got famous being the only man to ever eat SUBS and lose weight, thought he could get away with the most heinous stuff imaginable. He had no talent, wasn't a good looking person, and YET, fame came HIS way and boom. Touching kids, and not only that, having conversations with people about how much he liked to do it AND conversations with a mother about her own kids! Fame just makes people think they can do whatever they want.

'I'm in a band. I'm going to smash this.'

'Nice. I fell out of some big pants on television. I'm about to Freddy Krueger some kids but in real life.'

'Hey, you earned it. It is YOUR face on that bus.'

If Jared thought he had talent, he just found out that he does not. I mean, we defend TALENTED people against big accusations. Michael was ACCUSED of touching kids, people defended it. Woody Allen as well. Michael's talents are completely incomparable. Woody's career is unbelievable. Jared? Jared ate subs for money. NO ONE is coming to his aid. 

'I don't know. I just think he was the best sub eater on the planet. I mean, the guy could REALLY hold up a pair of big jeans that he used to wear. I'm team Jared all the way. Never be another like him.'

Jared hit the fitness lottery. No workout routine. No informercials selling products that shrink your abs and grow your biceps while you shower. 'Shower your way to a six pack!' No discernible talent or even a larger than life personality. Just a weight loss story that made him famous. It's a much different story now.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh