Blue Jay BandWagon Jumpers

The Blue Jays are doing great, bringing the 90's feeling back to the city. Most people are really happy about this. Some people? Some people who were fans when the Jays were not doing great are PISSED that the Jays have gotten new fans. The same way that people who are upset that the  band they were a fan of who used to play under a bridge, finds huge success and reaches a mass audience gets mad.

'What? YOU didn't love 'Bucket Of Garbage' like IIIIII did. I saw them play in a swamp. A swamp! I rode a gator... alone! I have a ticket stub from that show they did in a dumpster behind Sizzler! What right do you have to like them? What right?!'

Some people who were Jays fans even when they had that AWFUL angry 'Blue Jay' as a logo, are mad at newcomers. I went to some games when they had that logo, and always thought 'Blue Jays aren't angry. Why do they have this bird flying through lightning in these promos? This is baseball! Not the Gulf War.'  What was that logo? Who came up with that? Was that designed after Wrestleman 18 when Hollywood Hogan fought the Rock?

'Hey, you see that? These fans LOVE Hollywood Hogan. They're cheering for him more than they do the Jays!'

'You thinking what I'm thinking?'

'Hiring Hulk Hogan as the mascot?'

'... Not bad, but no. Making the Jays logo and entrance match his pants.'

'Woa, woa, woa! Hogan just leg dropped The Rock! I'm coming unglued! What did you say?'

To some degree, I get people being mad at bandwagon jumpers. I GET it, but I don't get it. 

Last year, I was doing shows in October in a small town with barely anything to do. The comedian I was with is a big baseball fan and he watched every World Series game that he could. I watched with him and really got into it. Understood how exciting it can be. I could never watch baseball on TV before. I always loved going to games, I played as a kid, but watching on TV? Couldn't do it. Just thought it was so boring.  Basketball sucked me in pretty easily. It's fast, it has music I like, cheerleaders are everywhere. 

'What are you guys watching?'

'A person with ADD's dream! Look! Fast paced, bouncing ball, tits, rap music, horns, tits! I can't stop!'

Baseball is a little different, but watching the World Series, I got into it.

I've always loved going to games. Baseball is one of the best sports to see live, because there's so many things happening. You want to watch a game? Go ahead. You want to sit and drink? Done. You want to sing songs loudly and play weird stadium games all night? They have that. You want to just scream at people? Okay. 

'What do you guys want to do tonight?'

'Whatever the hell I want? I might get drunk and tell a nine year old to suck it.'

'... Baseball?'

'Oh. Yeah. I'll get my 'Suck It' sign.'

I have four Blue Jays hats. One was bought after they started playing well, the others were  bought solely to represent Canada. The maple leaf logo is great. Just a Canadian simple on a nice hat? I'm in. I can't buy a Calgary Flames hat for Canada. I can't get a Vancouver Canucks Jersey to represent where I'm from. 

'Oh, sweet. Senators fan?'

'No. Just from Canada and I love it.'

'Why not just get a hat that says 'Canada' on it?'

'Because those hats are sold at Irving gas stations for twelve dollars and I don't like them.'

'Ah.... I'm a Sens fan. Ever been to Ottawa?'

Again, I GET why some people would be mad at newcomers, but why would you not want people to get excited? It's the only team in the country! All we have! When they are doing well, the entire country SHOULD jump on board. In the MLB, it is basically Blue Jays vs America. We are the only team represented for Canada. That is it. I've started watching because I live in NY, and I miss home. It's great to see them doing well, and it's great to see just Canadians getting excited about it. I met a guy from Calgary on the train in NY who saw my Jays hat, and started talking about what a fan he is. It's making people across the country happy. 

People who are mad are going to be mad regardless. Do you know how mad fans would have been if NO ONE had jumped on board? They would have been livid! The teams doing well and nobody cares? 

'Edwin hits 75 homers in a game and there's only six thousand people here?! This is ridiculous! How could people not get behind this team?! Where the hell are the fans!? Out there just sucking themselves? Christ.'

New fans show up.

'Oh, what the HELL. YOU weren't here when Bautista was out there wearing shorts and just laying down in the field. You can't come in here when he actually puts pants on and starts playing! I used to use your seat to put my beer on. Where am I going to put my beer now? My dumb hand?! Christ.'

Growing up, a friend of mine had tons of Blue Jays posters on his walls. Shots of the Skydome, Joe Carter, banners. Everything. We played Ken Griffey Jr's baseball on Super Nintendo and were always either Jays or Expos, OR the Mariners, just to sock dingers with Griffey. People were excited as hell about the Jays at the time, and it's great to see that happening again. Get mad at people for cheering if you want, but for me, I'm cheering for Canada. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Subway Had Fallen Apart a LONG Time Ago

Jared - so famous from losing weight through a sub cleanse that he only needs one name - has pled guilty to charges of having child porn and paying to have sex with minors. What's the fate of Jared? The man is more toasted than Italian herb and cheese. Subway has cut ties with him and I'm sure a lot of people will stop going there.

'Hey, you guys wanna eat at that place that a pedo used to stomp around in?'

'Your uncle's house?'

'Hilarious, man. Just hilarious.... Ya know, my aunt does make a mean egg salad.'

Jared has come crashing down. News outlets are ripping him apart. Heard him described as a 'fall from grace.' Fall from grace? He was a gigantic man who ate subs for money. There wasn't that much grace to fall from. The guy's entire fame was built on the fact that he lost hundreds of pounds eating bread. There's no WAY he lost that weight eating subs. How? No bread? No condiments? Did you just eat the yoga mats they used before putting them into bread? How did you do it?

'Can I have a sub?'

'Sure. What kind of bread?'

'No bread, thank you. And can you make the sub grilled chicken and broccoli?'

'...On what?'

'Look. There are people watching me. I have to keep my damn weight off. Just blow some oregano in my face and call it a cold cut.'

Jared became famous by turning a place that you go to when you're in a crunch for lunch into a fitness center, and we called him a hero for it. Why? Why did we ever believe that this was how he lost weight? We were really dumb about food in the late 90s/early 2000s.

'Huh. Makes sense. A giant piece of bread with tons of meat and cheese on it, topped with BBQ sauce DOES seem like a healthy option. I mean, it's not fried! That's gotta mean something!'

It is our fault, though. We didn't really ask WHICH kind of subs were the healthy ones. We just heard 'Subway is healthy' and went 'Sweet! Yes, extra cheese. I wanna be down ten pounds by summer!' 

Even if we DID know and care about the healthy subs, it's VERY hard to order a healthy sub when the unhealthy subs are advertised RIGHT BESIDE the healthy subs. You're going to try to eat well? You want to slim down? That's cool and everything, but for just fifty extra cents, you can get a sub that will actually taste good. 

'Well, I DO have that extra fifty cents. And I mean, that high school reunion isn't for aWHILE. Yep, I'll get the largest, cheesiest sub you have. Get these two quarters out of my pocket!'

We just didn't care! We heard Subway was healthy and before they could finish we went 'Ah ah ah, I got it. Go to Subway, eat healthy. On it.'

'No. But you can't just...'

'I'm GOING. What is wrong with you? Going right now. Order anything off the menu, I'll get healthy.'

No working out? No walking? Just crush a six inch Italian B.M.T on honey wheat? Strange way to lose weight.

'Welcome to the gym, everyone. Thanks for signing up. Now, let me tell you, you didn't have to do this. You know that Subway you passed? Well, you just do 12 reps of a footlong everyday and you'll lose weight. Yep. Fact. You wanna know what's lighter and easier to lift than actual weight? Subs. It's a fact. Subs.'

Subway used to care. In the late 90s/early 2000s, Subway cared about customers. When you would get a meatball sub, they would just load it up. Meatballs would be flopping all over the place. The artist would toss an extra couple of meatballs in the bag like napkins. Then Subway went corporate. 

'Meatball sub? Okay. Six inch? That is exactly 3.5 meatballs. Let me just cut this one in half. THERE we go. Taking ALL the fun out of lunch. BBQ sauce? Uh huh. Just a quarter tablespoon, annnnnnnnnd bam! Here is your completed, factory made sub. I am a robot.'

Subway changed a lot once this started happening. You MAY have been able to lose weight on the old Subway. A Subway where real food had at least been in the building. You CANNOT lose weight at the new Subway. The old Subway had lettuce from that day. Bread that was baked in or around the Subway. The meat was from an animal that walks the earth. The new Subway? NOTHING but terrible food. Lettuce is hanging on for dear life. The bread is made out of something that scientists are still studying. If anyone is able to lose weight on THIS Subway, THAT person should be famous.

'All I do is eat food that is manufactured and I lost three hundred pounds!'

'Wow! How in the hell did you do that?'

'Well, I cry a lot. I think that helps. AND I weep. Crying takes the weight off, weeping keeps it off.'

People are always shocked by a celebrity's actions. Why do people get famous and drive cars into pools? Why do celebrities think they can do whatever they want? Fame makes a lot of people think they are untouchable. Look at this guy! Got famous being the only man to ever eat SUBS and lose weight, thought he could get away with the most heinous stuff imaginable. He had no talent, wasn't a good looking person, and YET, fame came HIS way and boom. Touching kids, and not only that, having conversations with people about how much he liked to do it AND conversations with a mother about her own kids! Fame just makes people think they can do whatever they want.

'I'm in a band. I'm going to smash this.'

'Nice. I fell out of some big pants on television. I'm about to Freddy Krueger some kids but in real life.'

'Hey, you earned it. It is YOUR face on that bus.'

If Jared thought he had talent, he just found out that he does not. I mean, we defend TALENTED people against big accusations. Michael was ACCUSED of touching kids, people defended it. Woody Allen as well. Michael's talents are completely incomparable. Woody's career is unbelievable. Jared? Jared ate subs for money. NO ONE is coming to his aid. 

'I don't know. I just think he was the best sub eater on the planet. I mean, the guy could REALLY hold up a pair of big jeans that he used to wear. I'm team Jared all the way. Never be another like him.'

Jared hit the fitness lottery. No workout routine. No informercials selling products that shrink your abs and grow your biceps while you shower. 'Shower your way to a six pack!' No discernible talent or even a larger than life personality. Just a weight loss story that made him famous. It's a much different story now.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Human Like Robots. Do we need them?

Every couple of weeks there is some horrifying, pseudo horror movie footage of robots that scientists have been cooking up in their death labs. Lumbering, unbelievably scary robots stumbling through a bunch of boxes set up to mimic wooded terrain. A giant, creepy robot that is LEARNING to walk the way we do. Am I the only one disturbed by this? They should string these videos together and release them as a horror movie.

'Oct 18th, see the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your life.'

'Noooo, no! Stop stumbling like that! STOP IT!'

'This Halloween.... The Future!'

Why do we want human robots? For war? Is that the deal?  If we're making them for war, OKAY, but, there's no way they'll be used just for that. No. Way. Drones were apparently made for war, now they're taking pictures of people in their houses, or dropping off packages for Amazon. These human robots will be the same. A robot FedEx driver is coming. I heard recently they are talking about having robotic umpires. Umpires! No more guy who used to watch his dad cry at the ballpark when some of his chili dog splashed onto this favourite jersey. Now, a dead eyed, unfeeling, 'does not care at all' about this game umpire. That would completely destroy play reviews. Would be done.

'Ooooo, robot ump calls that safe, but the teams coach wants a review.'

'I REVIEWED IT SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE I MADE THE CALL. I AM MACHINE. I EVEN REVIEWED THE REVIEW. HE'S SAFE.'

'Ooooo, and the coach is coming out of the dug out to have a word with this bot from hell. Oh mama! And the robot rips the coach in half! Dear daddy, this game is heated.'

Have we not seen the movies about these things? Do we some how think we are better than writers in Hollywood? So many times, writers have written about some disgustingly gross company making robots that were meant to help people, but alas! The damn human like robot that the disgustingly gross company made wants to eat kids!

Honestly, what is everyone's fascination with seeing things from movies twenty years ago come to life? Video phones. Robot warriors. Devices that do every single thing that can be done. Doesn't it seem that scientists have been hired to make things that we all saw in movies in the 80's?

'Hey, Total Recall was cool? How about making that machine that sends you on vacation without actually sending you on vacation? That didn't have any problems. And woa! You see Terminator? So sweet. Get to making that robot that protected the kid. NOT the other one. To repeat. Helpful, fun, protect a kid bot. NOT death, sharp, liquid metal robot.'

'That 'protect a kid' robot started out as a bad guy, 'kill the kid' robot.'

'Hey, I'm talking, buddy. OH. And what about that ED 209 robot from Robocop?! Get too it, guys. I'll be in my office if you need me, drinking the blood of rare birds.'

Two things are going to be ending up happening with these robots. One, people will have sex with them. That's fact. There is no WAY a human like robot will be made that someone isn't gonna want to hit.

'Woa! Look at this thing. What's it do?'

'This robot cleans your house.'

'Sweeeeet. You can sex it, right?'

'Ah... no. This robot cleans you...'

'Ohhhhh, it'll clean something alright. Clean my DI...!'

'Sir, please. There's kids around.'

'Whatever. Rap up my sex bot. I'll pull my truck around. It'll be the one with the guy who's ROCK HARD in the front.' *slaps robots ass*

These robots will also be used for very menial things. Why? Nobody wants to do anything. Example of that is self driving cars. At first, they were talked about for taking over long haul truck driving. Instead of forcing a person with a soul to drive for DAYS for barely any money, they would be robotic. I'm not for this either. Just treat trucker drivers better. Now though, self driving cars. Why buy a damn car if you aren't going to drive it? 

'Just bought this.'

'How's it drive?'

'Good, man. Just kick my feet up and do NOTHING. I'm on my phone. Where I REALLY want to be. All the time I save not steering this car that I bought? Buddy. I am REALLY getting a lot of texts out.'

People are always talking about wanting more time. Trying to get away from doing life things to have more time. What in the hell do people want to do with all the time that they 'save'? Party? Vacation? The reason you like doing things like these is because there are things that you don't want to do that you have to do to be able to do the things you want to do. The beach isn't the best if you can just go there whenever you want. If you don't have to do anything tedious, the things you really like will become tedious. A lot of time is spent doing things tedious. Grocery shopping, buying clothes, walking to a place. That's life.  Why are we trying to do absolutely nothing? 

'This is so sweet! I have robots that do everything for me. Make food, pick up my kids, have sex with my wife. Now I can do the things I really want to do! Sort these coins. I love sorting coins. Alllllright. Let's do..... Ugh. Sorting coins sucks. Back to my phone.'

That'll be what happens.  We'll use these damn robots to do things for us so that we can play Candy Crush. Guaranteed. But then, people will not want to use their phones. We'll have robots that do that. We'll have robots that check our phones for us, so that we can just sit down and do NOTHING. Just sit down, stare at a wall, and do NOTHING. 

'What's happening on my phone, robot?'

'TEXTS. FACEBOOK LIKES. LIKE TO RESPOND?'

'Ahhhh. I'm chilling.' *goes back to staring at hands.*

These scientist should be stopped. Currently, they are doing two awful things. Creating robots that are not needed and for sure will kill us, and ignoring children they have that will maybe kill them or one of us. 

' i have to make a human like robot.'

'You know that you created an ACTUAL human, right?'

'Yeah, but it runs on blood. Not good enough.'

Go hug the people you created, scientists. Leave the other one you are trying to create alone.

@nathanmacintosh