We need roommates.

I have never lived alone. I've never had an apartment in my adult life to myself. I've always had roommates. Or girlfriends. I've always been able to come in the house and talk to people. Just open the door and start beaking. Personally? I like that. I don't think I can live alone. My mind runs too much. I would be snapping after month one.

'Hey, me. It's me again. Talking to me. Yep. I'm good, me. You? Oh, you're me. But you're good, like me, because I'm you and I'm good. Calm down, me. We've got this under control. Okay. Time to leave the house.'

How do people live alone and not snap? Who do you talk to if you live alone?

'What's up, eggs. I'm making you right now. Once you're cooked, we're gonna hit the couch. Tinder? Yeah, it's going okay. Got a match last night! Alright, eggs. Time to come out of that pan.'

I need people around. Or I need SOMETHING around. Dog, cat, fish, wall. Something. But don't all people? How do people live alone with no pets? Or no people? What are you doing? Working on a manifesto? Counting bullets? Watching when animals attack videos? Wondering what it would be like to punch that person at work full in the face? 

'Oh yeah. It would feel great. My knuckles would just connect like... bam! Man. That'd be great.'

What do you do? Just walk around an apartment alone? Taking stock of all the corners you can hang yourself in?  

'Oh, look at this! My apartment is like the set of I Am Legend again! So sweet. I'll just go over.... here.... and do whatever I ..... want. I'm so happy to have no one around.' 

When you live alone, there's no one to call you on your junk. Roommates will stop you from falling into a pit of despair or being ridiculous. The movie Taxi Driver wouldn't have even worked if Travis Bickle had a roommate. You can't just be cutting your hair in the sink, doing chin ups in the middle of the place, and blaring news stories all day. NO roommate would let that happen.

'You looking at me?'

'Yeah, I am, Travis. You mind not turning that drawer into a gun holster? I keep my forks there you maniac.'

'You looking at me?'

'Yeah, I AM, buddy. Put the goddamn drawer back. Jesus Christ. Get your shit together.'

'.... You looking... at ..... I'm sorry.'

American Psycho too. Patrick Bateman wouldn't have been killing hookers or people he worked with having a roommate. 

'Do you like Phil Collins?'

*Door Opens*

'Pat! I told you, I gotta work at 7. Can you tu tu turn down the Su Su Sussdio? Christ, man. And put my axe away! That is my dead grand fathers.'

*Door slams*

'Who was that, Patrick? Is he the one that owns all these newspapers you have on the floor?'

'.... Yes. Paul, I have to return some video tapes.'

And yes, I know Bateman didn't really kill anyone, but he thought he did! You know why? No roommate to call him on his garbage. No roommate to go, 'Man, I think you're going insane.' Nobody to go, 'You okay? Let's crush some madden. You look like you need to chill.' Nobody to go, 'Bateman. Business cards DON'T MATTER. Stop stressing about such stupid things. And PLEASE, stop doing crunches while watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I mean, MY god, buddy. You're cracking.'

People who live alone say they like having a place to themselves, but how do you even appreciate it when it's always empty? When you have roommates, when they are all gone, having an empty apartment is great! It's RARELY that way, so you can appreciate it. 

'Nobodies here?! Sick. This living room is MINE. See ya in hell, pants!'

When you live alone and the place is empty, either you are single or mentally becoming a serial killer. 

'Hmmm. Apartment all to myself again, huh? Sick. Time to sharpen these knives. See ya in hell, being emotionally connected to people.'

There's always food when you live with roommates! You don't have milk? Your roommate probably does. No more coffee? Don't walk to Dunkin, don't even wake Duncan, just take his coffee! If you are out, your roommate has it. If you BOTH don't have food? You two losers need to get it together. 

'Buddy, where's your food?'

'Where's mine? Where's yours!?'

'Ah god. It's time to go back to school. I gotta eat first though. Where's your food?'

'We just went over this!'

I will say, no matter what, I can't live with strangers again. Once you get to a certain age, you have to know the people you share a shower with. That is just a must. 

'Who in the hell are you?'

'Your roommate. I moved in the other day. You said I could.'

'Really? Oh yeah. Well.... damn. I mean.... whatever. Stop using my loofah?'

'I mean, I'll TELL you I'll stop, but you're not in here with me. You leave? I use it again.'

'Ugh. I need to get a girlfriend again. Just hurry up.'

@nathanmacintosh

Fat head.

I had a fat head. For awhile. The one up there. Did I notice that I had a fat head? Not really. People every once in awhile would make some comment about me. Somebody would mention something. I didn't really notice it. But then, last year on my birthday, in an act of kindness, Liz bought me a slice of cake for my birthday. In the cake, she put a picture of my face on a stick as a joke. The picture up there. I truly hated this picture. It was a picture of me, at some damn point in time over the last few years, with a god damn salt filled head. Just a giant head. In a cake! This was horrifying to me. 

'Happy birthday!'

'Ah my GOD. THAT'S what I look like? And THAT'S what I'll continue to look like if I eat this cake?'

'Ha...ppy Birt....hda...y to....'

'No! I look like a slug in pants!' *Throws cake against wall*

'Why do you always ruin things?! Why?!"

"It's my birthday! I'll ruin it if I want to! Don't make me yell, it makes my stupid fat head jiggle!"

That picture is and has been beside me at this desk for one year. I look at it every once in awhile and think, 'Jesus. No chocolate today.'

Chocolate actually was never the issue. You know what I was addicted to? The piece of food that I probably had two pounds of a week for about four straight years? Wings. Ol' dirty wings. I LOVED wings. The sauce, the chicken, the damn blue cheese. Loved it all. I would eat these for dinner. Dinner! On just about every menu they are an appetizer. People decided years ago that these were BEFORE a meal. Maybe to split with a couple of people. But for me? No way.

'Excuse me. Would I be able to just get some bread. Like two orders of bread.'

'Of course. And for dinner?'

'Wow. Did you not hear me you? Maybe you'll hear this, garCON. BREAD. THAT is the dinner. The dinner... is.... BREAD. LOTTA balls on the french.' 

Wings were my deal. When I was about ten, my mom would take me and my brother to this bar. This bar was in a mall, and directly outside the bar was an arcade. When arcades were a thing, sick, and every game was fifty cents max. My brother and I would play games in here forever. It was great. In the bar though, we would eat chicken wings. Why? They were ten cents. Ten cents a wing! At a time when wings were a thing, but people looked way down on them. 

'We're gonna toss these in the trash. Cool?'

'I'll give you ten cents for one of them.'

'You think other people would?'

'I don't know. Can I have the one that I'm willing to pay for?'

Would eat like twenty wings here. This went on here for years. Then in high school, I used to go to this bar that had karaoke, and a wing night. Wings by this time had gone up a bit in price. This wing night was thirty cents a wing. I remembered being angry about that. 

'Thirty cents? Back in my day, you could get THREE wings for that?!'

'Nathan, you're 18.'

'Yeah, and BACK IN THE DAY, when I wasn't PAYING for them, they were cheaper.'

There was also a time years ago when I was addicted to Lime Coke and Dill Pickle chips. Loved these. One Friday after work, I bought three big bags of Dill Pickle chips and a two litre bottle of the Lime. Went home, and played Midnight Club Three: Dub Edition. Crushed two bags of those chips that night, and like half the bottle. Just stupid. The last couple years, I didn't notice too much. My last day job five years ago, I bought a can of pringles on pretty much every lunch break, and eat the whole thing! 

'Huh. Once you pop you can't stop, right Nathan?'

'What?'

'You're eating a can of pringles.'

'And? So what?'

'The chips are gone. You're just eating the can.'

'... Jesus, CHRIST. Gotta get my stuff together.'

Seeing this picture of myself in a cake is what made me get serious. That gross head, to me, made me say no cake is worth this. My birthday is next month, and I'm going near cake. Unless it's carrot. And all the cake stuff has been taken out and it's just a carrot on a plate. 

'Happy birthday, Nathan! Here is a piece of ca.....'

'Carrot? You're about to say carrot, right!? I swear to GOD if I see cake I'm flipping this place!'

'Why do you always have to ruin things?'

'It's my birthday! I'll ruin this damn thing if I wa... Oh, it's not cake. It is a carrot.'

'Ha...ppy Birth....day.... to.... oh god.'

'Don't cry. It'll make me want to eat cake and get a fat head again.'

*Note* I'm not an animal. The above will not happen. And I'll probably have cake on my birthday. But, that fat head? I CANnot again. This is my own thing. You do whatever you want. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Reasons Kanye Shouldn't perform in Canada-Ye

For the closing ceremonies of the Pan Am games in the city of Toronto, some brilliant human being had the great idea to book Kanye West. To perform. Not to just show up and say 'hello', he would ACTUALLY perform some of his huge songs to people who have heard of him. He would put on a huge show in front of people who have heard his music at parties and had a great time. That's disgusting. People DO NOT want this man to perform at the closing ceremonies, and I am one of them. Why should he perform there? Who made that ridiculous call!? Just. Terrible. Here are some reasons that Kanye should NOT close the Pan Am games. 

The Canadian Dollar Is LOW

Kanye West is a massive star. He has been making great music and giving us great entertainment for over ten years. He is paid very highly for this. Now he's supposed to make CANADIAN money? That's gross. NO ONE should be paid in Canadian money. No one. Not sure what he charges for shows, but let's say it's $300,000. He'll be paid that in CANADIAN, and when he goes home to his super mansion, that will be worth $231,000 American. $231,000! He'll go to buy his daughter a $70,000 dollar necklace, and realize that he doesn't have it. If he performs in Canada, he will be underpaid. Do we want ANYone to be underpaid? No. No we do not. 

He Doesn't Need To Go To Cold Places Anymore.

The man fought through winters in his life. Chicago is NOT messing around at all when it comes to winter. Chicago gets so cold that it actually freezes the entire state of Illinois, and makes Missouri cold. Canada is cold. Right now? Not cold, but MAN, Kanye doesn't need this. He could be on a beach, still thawing out from the winter of '96 in Chicago. Don't make this man, perform in a city of cold winters and people. Just. Don't. It's not fair. If anything, have him close out the PanAm games, but take them to Florida, or South America, or the Sun. Don't stay in cold Canada. Don't do this. 

He'll Have To Cross The Border

If Kanye closes the Pan Am games, he'll have to cross the Canadian border. THAT thing, is not the best. The border guards will look Kanye in the face, and say, 'What are you coming to Canada for?' And he will have to say, 'I'm Kanye West.' And they will say, 'Yes. But what brings you to Canada?' And he will have to say, 'I'm Kanye West. I rap. I do shows. I am Kanye West.' And they will say, 'Yes, we know all this, but what are you DOING here?' The Kanye will have to look in their eyes, look down in disbelief, think about how big you have to get before people understand why you travel, and then take a sip of espresso. Don't put this man through this. He doesn't need a border guard pushing him around. 

Toronto Can't Offer Kanye Anything To Do

'Kanye, welcome to our city! Notice that people will give you bad looks for no reason at all. But hey, no worries! We have plenty of things for you to do. You can go to Dundas Square! It's like Times Square but worse. You can go to High Park! It's a... park... thing, way over there. You can go to the CN Tower. Ooooooo. It's tall, man! We have Queen St, where you can buy clothes that you wore five years ago but only now do people here think they're cool. Yonge st! It's the longest street in the world! The downtown part of it is pretty cool, there's a big MALL on it, and if you keep walking just a little bit, it turns into a weird porn store fiasco where you can get clothes for strippers and prostitutes. But THEN, it gets good again! And then bad again. It's really long!'

Kanye can go to the Canary Islands and have margaritas shipped in from the Virgin Islands. He doesn't need to be at these PanAm games. 

If Kanye Is Performing In Canada For People That Don't Even Want Him, He Won't Be Making New Music

While Kanye is in Toronto, performing to people who are yelling, 'I signed a petition for you not to be here! I wanted Rush!', he could be in the studio making more of the great music that he makes.  He could be in a studio making music for people who actually want it, not performing to people from the woods who would rather here Kim Mitchell. Might as well go to the studio, Kanye. Nobody yells at you to leave, and people who like what you do might cry. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh