Rick Ross.

Look, this does not matter. We decided years ago that it wasn't important or useful information at all that a man who was once a correctional officer started rapping and telling the world that he was a drug kingpin. He sold drugs from the port of Miami. He would murder you and yours if you tried to stop him, and, at times, he barely rapped well about it. We decided at the time that this came out that we didn't care. That his beats were still sick, that when he did rap well it was cool, and who cares if he used to literally work with and in a system that he raps about being against. It's a crazy interesting story.

Chris Rock made a movie about this EXACT THING years ago. Early 90's, the movie CB4 was this exact story. A criminal with a crazy rap sheet goes to jail, and a group of rappers start rapping his story and become huge. The only difference in the movie really is that the rappers were not working for a prison. They were just kids. This was a movie, and it basically happened. It must have been some of the thought behind Rozay turning to rap. 

'Hey, they did it in that movie I saw once. I'm in!'

Now, the part that I do appreciate, is the wrestling aspect of the whole thing. Rap is full of people making up stories for our benefit. They tell us they have money and women, cars and guns, because it entertains us. We listen and love it. SOME people won't do that or like it, but by and large, people like to be entertained by the thought of a person doing all this stuff. The idea that an officer would go 'wait a minute. I could keep watching these criminals, put my life at risk, OR, rap about BEING a criminal, make a BAJILLION dollars and live WAY better than I can in this system. I'm in!' That aspect of it, it's great. People want to be entertained, entertain em! Make money! Nobody gets hurt! 

Except for the fact that he's not making up a story. He has completely TAKEN a story from an ACTUAL drug kingpin. A REAL human being who almost spent his entire life in prison doing the things that this other man is rapping about. And the reason that is nuts, is that you can be rewarded for SAYING THAT YOU DO ILLEGAL THINGS but you go STRAIGHT to a maximum security prison for actually doing them. That's crazy! That part of it is hard to fully understand. 

'You are going away for life.'

'Look, I know I sold drugs, but just about every rapper is saying it's cool to sell drugs. That have mansions and money from doing exactly what I did. I'm going to jail because you heard me on the phone say I'm going to push that dope. There is a song called Push That Dope! No jail time for that?"

"Different thing. They did it to a beat. SICK beat. You had no beat. Life in prison.'

Like, you can GO TO JAIL for talking about drugs over a phone. If someone is recording you talking about selling co-ca-een, you could be TOAST. But, if you rhyme it, if you put a beat to it, you could make enough money to buy a sports team. It's. Just. Incredible. 

This has been talked about for years, and forgotten about for years, But the actual Rick Ross, does not have millions of dollars now. What he did was never cool with society. What he did didn't make him a tourable act who has kids buying everything he says. But what he did, is what the other man is SAYING he did, and it's cool. Not only cool, we cheer it on. But the real Rick Ross, and others like him, we want thrown in jail, forgotten about by time and lost in a pit of hell. 'How can you sell drugs? That's insane. Don't you know that it destroys communities? Don't you know that KIDS could be doing drugs? For shame. Ohhhh, THANK you, Rozay. Rapping about drugs. Great. That's great. Gives kids something to look towards. Be a hero and a millionaire like you for talking about it. My kid loves you. Hell, I love you! That one song, with the beat and the drug hook? SIIIIIICCCKK. Thanks for turning the real Rick Ross's story into something positive. It's great to see. You're a pioneer.'

Is it not a little strange that you go to jail for selling drugs but you are paid ROYALLY for rapping that you sell them? Yes, selling drugs in illegal. Rapping about doing it isn't. But, isn't that just weird? Isn't it a strange thing that we are supposed to love the people who tell us to sell drugs but bury the people who do under concrete? It's just... strange. One is a hero. The other is a villain. One is an amazing look at what is possible in America. The other is an amazing look at reality. 

Best part is, if the Real Rick Ross could rap, people wouldn't like it. If he guy could rap, people would STILL not like him as much, because he'd be saying that he USED to sell drugs. 

'Wait a minute. This beat is sick, this guy can flow, but did he say that he wishes he had never started pushing drugs? Wishes that he didn't move weight? Turn this shit off! Yes! There we go! A guy who's never sold drugs rapping about moving TONS of it! Thank you, DJ! Thank YOOOOOUUUUU!'

Again, this doesn't matter. It's just interesting. Don't sell drugs. You could go to jail. But glorify drugs to a beat, so that maybe other people will sell them, and you sir, are the best.  Rick Ross and Hacksaw Jim Duggan are the same in that they both showed us that their business's were not as real as we had thought before. Duggan's story was his at least. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh 

Metal Robo MIT Cheetah.

MIT is creating animals. Robo animals. Robotic cheetahs and junk that can run, and jump, and woa! Run and jump. Look out, everyone! This is a strange, creepy, scary, and in my opinion, horrifying. Just to ask the question, why are we doing this? What is the point of making robo animals? For.... what? The reason that is being said? A robotics competition. That is why. A bunch of evil villains are competing against one another for the creepiest, scariest, 'be the death of us all' creations. 

"Welcome everyone to the 'Super Villain Control The Earth Robotics Competition' brought to you by Coca Cola. Coca Cola, 'What every doesn't kill you, will one day kill you.' Let's meet our first competitor. Doctor 'Screw Humanity'. Long black trench coat, bald head and googles. VERY menacing. And what do you have for use?"

"Well, (laughs to himself), I've created a wasp with the power of a nuclear bomb. When it stings you, BOOOOOM! An entire city will go up in smoke! Do you want to see it in action? I'm DYING to try th...."

"No, no. That's okay. We believe you."

We are making robo cheetahs. Guaranteed, there are a bunch of people who worked on these things that have never seen the real animal. 

"Cheee...taaaahh. Let me google it. Hmm, look at that. A Youtube video of one of them. Runs fast. Oh yeah, I can robo that. Time... to... robo that."

Shouldn't there be some things we do with the real cheetahs before we start making robo cheetahs? Have we mastered cheetahs to the point of making robotic ones? I don't think so. There should be a few things we do with the real cheetahs before we make robotic ones. 

1. Get the real Cheetahs to come up to the glass at the zoo.

ANYtime I've been to a zoo, the cheetah exhibit is basically empty. The cheetahs are no where near you. They are far away, chilling in the shade of a tree. 

"And here are the cheetahs. See that bump up on there on that hill? Yep. That's them. Chilling in the shade, being the big cats that they are."

"Hey, can you get them to come closer?"

"No. Nope, we can't do that. Good news, though! A bunch of maniacs are making metal ones that jump! Those ones will come right through your window one day. Just a matter of time."

"Oooooooooooooo...."

"Will those ones at least be awake? (hahah)"

"... Yes. Hey, buddy, I see what you're doing here. You're mocking me for these Cheetahs being asleep. I'm not Jesus, okay? I just tend to the grounds. Big cat gets tired? Big cat lays down. Do YOU get up and greet everyone that comes up to your lawn? Please. Drop the sarcasm, alright?"

2. Ride a cheetah. 

If we are going to be making robo versions of animals, we should have completely dominated the real ones. The people that made the robo ones should have had to go to the Serengeti and saddle one. 

"Well, let me tell you. This will be the most dangerous thing we've ever done. We are going to break that cheetah over there, and ride it back to the airport. It's going to fight, claw, and fight. It's also very strong, is the fastest land animal, AND is a cat, so it can twist and turn and basically has a crazy straw for a spine. It has big teeth."

"But, once we ride it, we can make a metal one, right?"

"Oh yeah, Dennis. Oh yeah."

"Wooooo! Let's do it!"

"Sweet! You got your spurs? And like, a sleeping dart to shoot at it or something?"

"... No. I thought we were doing this like men?"

"Ah CHRIST."

People talk about when robots take over. Robots aren't just going to 'take over'. People talk about it as if robots are making themselves. That some screws and a motherboard are just picking themselves and putting themselves together.

"Dude, there's a bunch of electronics in your garage that are piecing themselves."

"Yeah. Some robot is trying to build itself out of old parts. I locked the door. Hopefully it's not a door opening robot."

 We are creating robots to takeover. Just stop putting them together! But people can't because for some damn reason it's so cool to see a piece of metal move. Who cares? What in the hell are we doing this for? Robots aren't just going to 'take over', some idiot is going to make a take over robot and be surprised when it takes over. 

"Hey, what are you making?"

"This? This is a human killing robot. It's programmed to kill humans."

"Is that safe?"

"Oh yeah. It won't kill humans unless you tell it to. UNLESS, it decides to kill me. Which, haha, I don't know why it would. I mean, I made it! How cold could this damn thing be?"

"HUMAN KILLING COMMENCING...."

"Oh no. Why is it talking like a robot? I programmed it to Bill Clinton. Damn bugs."

"It's going to kill us!"

"Having a robot talk like a robot is not going to kill us. Yes, I agree, the Bill Clinton voice would have been much better, but I think you're being a little dramatic."

"HUMAN KILLING. HUMAN KILLING."

"Ahhhhhh!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

'Oh, we've met.'

A couple times in my life I've been called out by people who have said I've met them when I introduced myself. Most times it was small, other times completely my mistake. I've started just not saying 'nice to meet you at all', just incase I have met this human before. Last night I'm walking with a friend, and he sees a girl that he knows. They talk for a second, then he introduces me to her.

"Hey, Nathan. Nice to meet you."

"... We've met."

"Oh. Sorry. When did we meet?"

"Not long ago. I remember your face. We met like a year ago at a....."

Once I heard 'a year', I was done. There are times when I will accept that I messed up. That I have met this person and I'm being a dick. But this wasn't one of them.

"A year? That's not long ago? A full year?"

"I don't know... A year is..."

"A year!"

I just wasn't going to be called out on 'meeting' someone at a mic a year ago as me being a horrible person who only thinks about themselves. A year. Not a short amount of time. Did I spend any time talking to this person a year ago? I bet not at all. Might, maybe, been a quick hello. If that! I'm not sure why people feel they can become a hero in this situation. If I met someone, than a year later they said 'nice to meet you', I wouldn't get all politeness warrior.

"Oh, we've MET. You don't remember? I was sitting at a table of twenty. You were one of the twenty. I asked you for the salt. You said, 'here you go.' GOD. We've MET."

This person who tried to call me out didn't even remember my name either. Just that she remembered my face. Well then hey, we didn't really meet! There should only be a few times you can say to someone, 'oh, we've met.'

1. You've slept with a person.

If someone looks at you and says, 'Nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that you have penetrated or been penetrated by this person, THEN you can hit them with the 'oh, we've met.' 

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"Really? I'm sorry. When?"

"When you asked me if I wanted a towel. Then you watched an episode of Cosmos on Netflix before telling me I couldn't stay at your place. THEN. WE. MET. THEN."

"Oh.. I... ah..."

"ARE A DICK!"

2. You worked/work at a job. 

If someone looks at you and says 'nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that they are your boss, you can pull the old 'oh, we've met.'

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When?"

"When you hired me... thirty years ago! I've been to your stupid christmas parties! I've hated your dumb kids from afar! Your wife sucks! WE'VE. MET."

"Ah... I'm... you're fired."

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

3. Your parents. 

If someone looks at your and says 'nice to meet you', but you're CERTAIN that you've come out of their body, HIT em with the ol' 'oh, we've met."

"Nice to meet you."

"OH, for CHRIST sake. We've MET!"

"I'm sorry, when did w...."

"When I came out of your balls! When I went into the woman you through me into, hit one of her eggs and became a human! When you watching me leave a vagina! When you dropped me off at school! When you hit me for changing the channel by accident! WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE. We. Have. MEEEETTTTTTTTT."

"Oh, man. I'm so...."

"A dick! You're so a DICK! If you don't think THIS is going to push me to drugs, you're dead wrong, BUD."

4. You've been to space with someone.

If someone says 'nice to meet you', but, like, you KNOOOOW that you orbited the Sun with them, I mean, COME ON. Drop that 'oh, we've met' right in their helmet!

"Nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When did this...."

"Look, Jerry. You know damn well we've met. We trained at NASA for MONTHS together. We handed each other diapers while floating in zero gravity looking down on earth. We both urinated straight up to the ceiling and laughed and laughed. We were the only ones up there! You told me you've cheated on your wife thousands of times! You told me your darkest fears! We thought we saw aliens but we were just tweaking on that California Cub Dust we snuck on board. We made sweet love when we didn't think we were making it back to earth!"

"Oh, I'm sor..."

"SO A DICK! A gentle, beautiful dick that I fell in love with in dark, lonely space. I loved you, Jerry! I space loved you, space Jerry!"

These are the times you can drop 'oh, we've met.' Other than that, change your tone. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh