Miss America.

For eighty eight years, the Miss America pageant has taken place. On Sept 14th, the eighty eighth Miss America was crowned. A New Yorker. Did anyone watch? Not EVERYone, but it gets people. About ten million people watched this years pageant. Does anyone really know what this is for? Are there a ton of people growing up now saying that they would like to be Miss America? What the hell is this thing?! 

From what I can tell, it seems to be the longest running reality show in history, pitting people against each other to go to school. The grand prize is, school money. Yep. That's it. Scholarships. Not a spaceship. Not a key to America. Money to go to school. Either you work really hard, or you have to show up at a mall and jump through hoops like a dolphin to go. Does that make sense to have now as a thing? In 2014? Why don't we have a Fear Factor for people to go to school? 

"Alright, these people really want to go to Harvard. Are their grades good enough? Sure. But, have they eaten a BallDucken? That's a duck stuffed with balls. They're about to! On this edition of "You wanna go to school and get smart? Do something dumb to get there, stupid!"

Okay, so they don't eat balls. So what do they do? There is a swimsuit competition, an evening wear competition because lord knows, you might look good in a one piece but just AWFUL in a Vera Wang. Talent portion, and they also tell you what they'd do about certain issues in the country. Weird, huh? That's a strange way to get a scholarship. 

"Hmmm. You want to go to school? Well, what do you look like in a bikini?"

"What? That's what you want to know? Alright. Here."

"Nice. Those are nice curves. You're not a fatty. Good job. Now, how do you look in an evening gown?"

"You think I brought an evening gown? Well, turns out I did."

"Woa. You look nice. Like nice like I'd like to take you out nice. Alright, you sing or anything? Dance? Play checkers well? Women, REAL women, should look great and be able to play the thimbles or something."

This year, the woman who won Miss America's talent was sitting on the floor, playing with a cup, singing Happy. That's right. Sitting. On the floor. Playing with a cup. That's a talent that shouldn't even win Miss Kindergarten.

"Look what I can do, guys! I can colour inside the lines! Miss Kindergarten, here I come."

"Really? With that? Don't think so. That kid over there? Chugging glue while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Get a clue, JESSICA."

There was a woman who could speak into a puppet. There were dancers. There were people who REALLY took time to practice their talent. And then, there was a woman, who sat on the floor, and played with a cup. A cup. Hit a cup on the floor, clapped, and sang a song. 

Just getting women to perform and strut around for scholarships. Is that not a thing we find weird? That's just a thing that is alright? It made sense in the 20's when women were barely people. 

"Hey, these women want to go to school."

"That's cute. I want to sex them while they are baking. One of those things is going to happen easier than the other."

"We could get them to take their clothes off to go to school?"

"Sure. We could also make them take their clothes off because we're men telling them to do it."

"Look, can we just try this pageant thing?"

"Sure."

Strange to me that Miss America ends up just being a student. You get crowned 'Miss Country', and you go to school. So, are women who are already students Miss America? Are there a whole bunch of Miss Americas in schools right now? If I have to juggle, wear a speedo, and tell people what I would do if I was the President to get a year membership to the YMCA, I'm not better than people who already have memberships. Even if they do call me 'Captain Laps in the pool whenever'. I can't walk in there with my head held too high.

"Hello others. i at a Ballducken, and now I can get on the basketball court with immunity."

"A ballducken? We just paid to be here. Nobody saw us eat balls."

"Yes, I know, that's why I am Captain Laps In The Pool Whenever. And you, are just Kevin."

- This also might mean that school price are too high, when instead of being able to get a job and work to pay it off, they are willing to give you the money if you jump around for it. Is that not weird? People want you to go to school, but also make it so expensive that you have to get judged by other humans who are not NEARLY in the shape you are in to do it? 

We're told that education is the most important thing. That everyone, whether going to school or not, should try to get as much education as possible. That people who DO go to school are great. Are hero's. Are the people who have everything open to them. But with things like this, we aren't respecting people who want to go. We are telling them, sure, get good grades, try hard, or, work out a lot, figure out what you would do about guns, and start playing with cups.

Everything fun is stupid.

I'm one of the first to comment on rap music. I'll be one of the first to say that it's stupid, but that doesn't mean that it's bad. People say they hate rap music now because it's stupid. Sure. A lot of it is stupid. That guy just rhymed pizza with couch. Nobody can say that's smart.

"Does anyone have an answer for the question on the board?"

"Pizza couch!"

"... Who founded America?... Pizza couch. Not correct by any stretch but hey, made me feel good!"

I get it. It's dumb. But it's fun. What's the alternative? Only lyrics? Just solid lyrical ability? I mean there's a lot of pop music that is trash. That hasn't always been the case. What if we just make all music classical?

"You got a ten dollar bill put your hand up! You got a twenty dollar bill put your hand up! If you got a powered wig on put your hang up! Alright, all the gentleman in the place, if you're ready to hear Bach, make some nooooiiissseeeee!"

Yes, a lot of rap is stupid. But everything that is fun is stupid. Don't believe me? Here's some things. That are stupid. 

Roller coasters - What a stupid thing to do to yourself. Roller coasters go upwards of 90mph, twisting and turning on metal, or WOODEN track. Sometimes your legs are dangling and swinging through the air. You could possibly lose on. It's happened. Or be thrown from this thing and land in the parking lot. MAYBE that didn't happen, but similar things have happened. Is that dumb? Yes! Is it fun? Yes! Fun as hell! Nobody complains about roller coasters being stupid, though. Nobody says, 'Man, this is dumb. Not one lyrical thing on this at all. I didn't hear ONE line about how the illuminati is FOR SURE a thing. Back to Nas for me."

Un protected sex - I mean, is anything more fun? Having sex with a human being with nothing blocking you and their business? What a great thing. Who wants to put a bag on their junk? Who wants to have a junk that's in a bag be inserted into their business? Well, people, but only because we should. It's good for us to do. But man, not doing it? THAT'S some fun. But how stupid is it? Almost the most stupid. You can get a disease, you can get a kid. You could have a diseased kid with some animal who you barely know. All of that, and we still have un protected sex. Why? Fun! Fun, dammit! And because sometimes you just can't get to a condom, and we're animals, it happens. Does that make it smart? Never. But nobody says anything about this. Nobody says, 'Man, this is dumb. I put my un covered penis into an uncovered woman, and I didn't hear ONE lyric about how hard it is growing up poor. Not ONE. Well, back to Nas for me."

Drinking - I mean, seriously. Does this even need to be talked about? Drinking is a very stupid thing. People fight because of alcohol, they crash cars, have un-protected sex (see above), and say things they don't mean. People climb stupid things and fall off while drinking. People call people they should not call while drinking. But nobody ever talks about this being dumb. Nobody ever is drunk, gets a call from a drunk person and says, 'Man, this is DUMB. You haven't said ONE real thing about how the government treats us. NOT....ONE. You just keep saying we should get back together. Say ONE line about Republicans and maybe.... No? Well, back to Nas for me." (Hangs up. Pauses. Throws up. Pauses. Passes out.)

There's a whole bunch of other fun things that are dumb. Cliff diving, white water rafting, rock climbing, racing in your car, donuts in your car, driving through mud in your car, wrestling, watching wrestling, going to wrestling, watching wrestling in your car. A ton of things. Point is, they're all fun. And fun is stupid.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Tindr. Talent. Texting.

I'm not on Tindr, but I, like all of us, know a bunch of people that are. Why am I not on Tindr? Because I don't have an umbrella for all the pussy that would rain on me if I was! No. I have a girlfriend. Would I go on it? Sure. Maybe. Probably. I mean, even if I met someone out in the world, they are probably going to be on Tindr. Why not just meet them there instead of trying to run into them?

"Woa, I can't believe I met you in a grocery store. That's weird, right? Wait. My phone is going off. It's a notification, telling me that I just matched with you! Well, god. I wish that would have happened earlier. I didn't have to leave the house? Just stupid of me."

I've used some friends of mines Tindr just for fun. A guys Tindr and a girls Tindr. Some things that I've noticed. 

Using a girls Tindr was interesting. First of all, every time I swiped right, which is how you decide whether you like someone, it was a match. What does that say? That there are a lot of guys that just go through and swipe right on every single girl to get more matches. So, it seems that being a girl on Tindr you really have no idea if a guy is into you or is just fishing. Bunch of dumb idiots just throwing nets out there seeing what comes back.

"What are you fishing for?"

"Fish."

"I meant what kind of fish."

"The kind of fish that's fish! Get off my back. I'm hard."

Worst is, when she did have a match was that 90% of the messages guys would send would be nothing.

"Sup."

"Wanna meet?"

"Hey, sexy."

"Yo."

Yo. Just a goddamn yo! Then shortly after that, they'd talk about going to a bar to meet. I started yelling at some of them. 

"You serious? You've said nothing funny, or engaging, or interesting at all, and you want me to meet up with you? Are you insane? You've given nothing!"

If they did write back, they'd write back with some kind of useless, dumb response. Something most times along the lines of 'I like feisty women', or 'you've got some fight in you.' Good for you, man. A person you think is a girl says that what you're saying is garbage and you come back with something that makes it sound like you enjoy dragging women through parking lots by their hair.

Using a guy friend of mines Tindr was also interesting. 99% of the time when a guy matches with a girl, he is the one to send the first message. 99.9% of the time probably. Let's just say all the time. He's messaging first. Cool. That's usually how it works in the streets, so fine. He writes a message, or I would for him, and it would be something about this girls profile or something in her pictures. A sentence that usually involved some sort of question about something fun. What would these girls write back with? Nothing. Nothing that can be considered a human being involved in a conversation, anyway. 

"Oh, you're a model? Me too. Well, hand model. Gotta make this money holding these burgers."

"Lol. Yes."

Yes. Yes! What the hell is that? Is that how you keep a conversation going? One word answers?

"Hmmm. You're resume is amazing. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Horses."

"... Horses. As you in want to own a horse? Or race horses?"

"Lol. Betch."

"Uh huh. Well... okay."

Live. Laugh. Love. This is what tons of girls put in their profile. Live. Laugh. Love. Are you getting tired of seeing it yet? Or is it making you want to go out there and Live. Laugh. Love. Most times when a girl has Live. Laugh. Love. in her profile, it's all she has. That's it. Not 'I like this or that', just Live. Laugh. Love. Women, for christ sake, put something besides this. We just going with all words that start with L? Cool. They don't always have to be this, though. How about Ladle. Ladder. Lunch.? Or Letter. Lust. Louisiana.? Nothing wrong with those two. 

Walking the earth and listening to people talk about Tindr, it doesn't even seem like they want to date. People seem to just want to tell people about the messages they've sent to each.

"Yo, they said this to me, and then I said this."

"Oh, yeah. That's pretty funny. Are you going on a date with them?"

"Oh, man. They just said 'do you want to meet?', and I was like 'meet who? An owl?' Man, I'm clever."

That's what dating has turned into? People love posting these conversations they've had through on-line dating as well. This has just got to stop. Yes, they can go wrong. No, you are not funny or a hero for posting ones that are weird. 

"Here's what I have to deal with. Some dumb girl said this. Or some disgusting man told me about his dick. Ugh. Why does my life have to be this hard? Or is it? Is this what I REALLY wanted? Something to post on-line so that I look hilarious and cool? Yes, that's it. Dating is not what I'm here for. It's the posts! Look how funny I am!"

After being on both, I think Tindr might have been made to tell people in relationships to stay where they're at. Tindr seems like a cool thing when you're on the inside, but when you're out? It looks like it gets pretty sad, pretty quick. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh