Robin Williams.

Very sad to hear about Robin Williams death. Very sad. 

I was lucky enough to see him perform live. While he was filming 'Man Of The Year' in Toronto, he stopped by a bunch of small shows. There was a rumour that he was going to stop by Spirits Open Mic. He did. The host of the show, Jo-anna Downey, told me later that when he came in he introduced himself.

"Hi. I'm Robin Williams."

"I know who you are!"

I thought that was a really nice story. A man who everyone knows, still introducing himself to the host of a bar show in Toronto. Robin went up, in a room that was packed with about ninety people, and did about twenty minutes. 

He was very famous before I was born. I came into a Robin Williams world. I and most people I know grew up on him. First time I can remember seeing him as a kid, was on a rerun of Mork And Mindy. Robin Williams as Mork was reading about Superman. He was upset about Superman's powers. Mork didn't think that his powers were good or strong enough, so he started writing a letter to him. I can't remember exactly what he said in the letter, but as he's writing it, Mindy walked in.

"Mork, where are you sending that letter?"

"Metropolis!"

Man, that made me laugh so hard as a kid. I still love that. I quoted it for years. Metropolis! 

I write this because of the huge talent and influence Robin Williams has been, but also I write this because being a comedian, most of us have problems that a lot of times we try to solve on our own. We put on a front. We pretend that we are fine. We give so much away. Not just going on stage in front of strangers. We give ourselves away when we are down on ourselves because a festival didn't book us, or a show, or movie. Whatever the case may be. We give so much of ourselves to others. We put our happiness in the hands of random chance, an audience, or booker. We doubt ourselves constantly. 

I've been in so many conversations with comedians about being depressed. About being sad that we're not in this position or that. About not being on a certain show. All kinds of things. A lot of times people will say, 'If I was doing this or that, I'd be happy.' Would you? Would being the star of a movie, being super famous, or having tons of money make you happy? Happiness can't only come from the outside. We are shown that time and time again. 

Everyone needs to talk to someone when they need help. There's no reason to face problems on your own. 

Self help books and articles.

Self Help books and articles about self help are running rampant right now. People are sending them around. People are reposting them everywhere. Articles that tell us how to be these great, rich, super hero's that are only seen with the hottest people, have the biggest bank accounts, the best hair and bodies, and are more productive than ants. Batman. They are telling us to be Batman.

"I just read this book read this book about time management. I need to buy a cape."

"What? Why?"

"SWEAR TO ME!..."

"... You're scaring me."

Do these help?  

First,  once you read one, you are going to read more. They become addicting. You read one book about how great and powerful you are going to be, why the hell would you not read another? It's a rush. People read the bible over and over again for god sake. Those are the same stories! When it's a self help book or article about your own personal growth, there can never be enough. Not the same with other type of self help books. If you need to fix something, and you read a book or article and figure out how to do it, that's it. 

"Alright, I gotta fix this chair. This book says, you just hammer the leg back in. Hmmm. Alright, well that felt great! Let's see what THIS book has to say about it. Woa! Same thing! God, I'm feeling great! I'm gonna be reading these all day! Wish I had this chair to sit in and read, but I'm feeling amazing!"

Most of these articles and books say the same things. They seem to be written by people who have read a bunch of self help literature themselves and just copied them. One will say, 'Be yourself', another will say 'Don't copy others'. Interesting. Are we supposed to believe those are different statements? 

"Alright, first things first. You want to be a millionaire? Don't use credit cards."

"Huh? Don't listen to that guy. You want to be a millionaire? Only pay cash."

"Don't use credit cards!"

"Only use cash!"

"... Guys, I think I got the answer. Thank you for both screaming it at me. Cash it is."

"Damn! He's not taking my advice of no credit cards!"

Most of the self help books are just a compilation of the list articles. Some maniac saw all of these and put his own spin on them. A lot of times it's a person who saw the list articles, and didn't think they were tough enough, or 'real' enough. So they took it upon themselves to make them more to the point. 

"Here's how you become great.

1. Stop being a loser.

2. Stop hanging out with losers.

3. You're mom's a loser. Get away from her.

4. Get up earlier.

That's it, stupid. You can follow that, you'll be a hero like me. A guy who wrote down ways to call you a failure and make you buy this book which makes me rich, thus, making ME a winner. You're a loser. I shouldn't even let you buy my book."

'Get up earlier' is a common theme in the articles and books. It's an interesting one. It only works for people who have schedules that don't make them be up late at night. Just about all of these tell you to get up earlier.

'You want to drive a Porsche and get blown? You think a woman is going to want to put your shrivel'd rod in her mouth when you're getting up at 8:30 in the morning? PLEASE. 8:30 doesn't turn hot, Russian blow job machines on. 4 am does."

You can't get up at four if you're going to bed at 3. Just not happening. What if you have a job where you work at night? You're just always going to fail? There's no hope for you?

"This book is interesting. It's telling me to get up at the same time I'm coming home from my night shift job. Well. No sleep for me if I want to get this headband business off the ground. My heart might stop, but not before people hear about my headband stand! 'Need a headband? No need to do a handstand, we're easy to find!' God that's a bad slogan. I need sleep."

At some point too, you'll probably be spending more time reading articles and books about being great and more productive than actually putting time into being more productive and great. But you'll THINK you're being productive and great. Be the same as reading muscle magazines and thinking that'll make you bigger on it's own.

"You going to the gym today?"

"Don't have to. I'm reading this magazine. 'Giant Calves and Me'. It's great! Says to do this many squats, this many crunches if you want to look like this complete animal on the cover. Jesus, I'm sweating just talking about it! Go to the gym? Come on, man. I got all the work out I need right here. Yo, can you spot me while I read this paragraph?"

A lot of these things too are just quotes from other people. Quotes. From people who are not writing this book or article! 

"Hey, guys. Here's a book that will tell you how to be great. Is it full of me telling you how to be great? Nope. Not me. Tons of other great people. Lot's of em. Get it. I'm an author!"

Can you do that? Is that an author? 

"Hey. I found a way to make money. I'm going to compile quotes from great people and sell them."

"Interesting. Can you do that? What have you done?"

"I put them all together. Geez. That's not worth $29.95?"

These articles are getting pretty insane. Pretty much a never ending list of ways to be. People really love posting these.

"Guys! Check out this article. Four hundred and fifty six ways that you can walk taller! It falls apart from one hundred and thirty seven to two hundred and four, but then it picks right back up!"

Didn't you yesterday have an update about walking into a door? How you smashed into it and dropped your coffee on your kid? One day later people are supposed to look to you for life advice? 

"Hmmm. Last update from this guy was that he fell out of of a moving car, but THIS one, he says 'Life opens up to those who open themselves up.' Well, I'm sold. I'm coming back here tomorrow for more advice!"

Is my writing about self help books in such a way some sort of self help article on it's own? Can we all write self help? I think the answer is yes to both. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh 

Things I'll still do when I'm a millionaire.

Millionaires really start living like people in weird bubbles pretty early on. Once you become a millionaire, seems to be some things you just stop doing that regular humans keep on keeping on with. When I become a millionaire, here's a list of things I'm still gonna do with my goddamn ass.

1. Walk my own dogs 

Yep. When I become a millionaire, I'm gonna walk the dog or dogs that I have myself.

'What? Why?! How the hell could you put your hands that have all that money on a leash? Or, even worse, a leash attached to a ...dog.'

I truly don't understand having a dog and not walking it. That's one of the things that you do with a dog. That's one of the things that is done with this animal when you own one. They need walks. They get walks. They like going outside and smelling stuff. They like smelling that strange dogs butt. It's a big part of the lives of these domesticated pets. So, you're going to get one of these creatures, and NOT do with them one of the major things that they involve? Why don't you just have a TV that you hire people to come over and watch?

"I just bought this sweet ass, seventy five hundred inch TV! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn badass millionaire. I'm a millionaire, son! Now, where's the number of that service where I pay a struggling actor forty bucks to sit in front of this thing for an hour? Oh yeah, I'll just lean out my window and yell, because I'm a badass millionaire!"

If when I'm a millionaire I'm too busy for dogs, and everyone in my house is as well, there will be no dogs. But if I have a dog, I'll walk that mother. I will see my dog smell that butt. 

2. Raise my own kids  

Now, jesus christ. This one shouldn't even be a thought. You have kids. These kids need to be raised. So, you.. raise... them. YOU do. The person who made them. The piece of machinery that brought this damn kid into the world. YOU, stupid. YOU take this kid out. YOU feed this kid. You don't call a woman whose trying to stay in the country you live in and get her to come over and raise the damn thing. If you're gonna do this, she should be there for the conception.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, just like that. Yeah, I'm about to, I'm aboouuuttt toooo... wait. Divina, are you going to be able to nanny for us from Monday to Friday, 8- 8? And hell, on Saturdays too?"

"... Yes. I can do that."

"Oh, boy. That's great! Because I'm about to put a FULL baby into my wife here. Oh, jesus, I'm gonna come! Ahh, ahhhh, AHHHHHH I'm never gonna be here to see this kid! ... Ah, ah god. Divina, you're really saving my life here. I can just come and come into this thing I married, and YOU deal with what this thing makes with that come! Ah, man. What a life.... Drinks, anyone?"

When I'm a millionaire, I'll raise my own kids. If I can't, and my wife is not able to as well, and the only option is to hire someone completely unrelated to this situation to raise them, I'm not going to have them. 

3. Drive my own cars 

This is another one of those things. You become a millionaire. You can afford any car you want. You pick it out. Then, you hire another human to drive you around in it. What... the fuck. What is the message here? That driving a car is for commoners? Being seen behind the wheel of a beautiful automobile is for peasants? You can't drive you're own Rolls? It's gorgeous! Get behind the wheel! Put your head out the window! Toss watches out of the sun roof! Been seen! Why get a driver for such nice cars? You should have drivers for terrible ones.

"Okay, I'm looking for a driver."

"No problem. We can help you with that. What kind of car? Rolls Royce? Maybach?"

"What? Jesus no! I drive a 97' Corolla. I'm gonna be getting a new car soon. But god, I can't be seen in this thing anymore. I'm trying to get laid, you know? People point and laugh when I'm at the light. I need someone to drive me to work, and I'm going to lay in the back seat under an old blanket. Cool?"

If I'm too busy to drive the gorgeous, half million dollar car that I buy, and everyone in my house is too busy too as well, I won't buy the car. I'll get another fountain.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh