Let's get possessed.
'Deliver Us From Evil' is a new possession movie. It's based on a true story of an NYPD officer who wrote a book about his experience with demons and the like. How true to his story is it? I don't know. Usually movies are exaggerated. It made me think a couple things about possession movies.
First of all, why has every parent in possession movies bought their kids that 'jack in the box' toy? It's completely horrifying when the sun is up. In a park, with trees and birds and friends around, they are terrifying.
"Honey, do you want to start cranking that scary box from the seventies I bought you as a toy in the early 2000's? Just crank it and ruin this beautiful family get together."
Scary on a good day, so why would they not be horrifying at night on the third floor of an already creepy, over decorated room? Jack in the box is also very easy to possess. It's like training wheels for a demon. First they turn the dial without being seen, then they move on to picking up the bed.
"Alright, training demons. I'm only gonna say this a couple times in english, then a few thousand times in Latin. First, all you'll be doing is turning the crank on the boxes. Yep, that's it. Crank it up. Once you get that down, the 'slow-turn-until-you-rev-it-up-at-the-end' crank, you'll move on to picking up beds. Not before! I've seen way too many demons jump into beds first."
Possessed people in movies tend to get locked in asylums. Priests just can't seem to be able to convince doctors that they are not insane, they are possessed. No matter how many demons they cast out, no one who wasn't there believes them. Priests are probably always having this argument with doctors.
"You're telling me, all of these people are not insane? That they are all possessed?"
"No. Not ALL of them. Just the ones speaking Latin!"
"So, the Latin ones?"
"Maybe. For sure the ones who don't speak it and are. Just let them all out and I'll do what I do and see what happens!"
Demons LOVE speaking Latin. Every possession movie, a demon hops into someone like they're a convertible, then just starts throwing down so much weird, scary Latin. Are we supposed to be scared of languages that we don't understand? Is that the goal here?
"I don't know what the hell that man just said to me, but I'll be sleeping under some garlic tonight."
Priests always have an interpreter with them to decode what is being said or slurred. That has to be one of the worst perks of being a language interpreter.
"Hey, man. They need you at this persons house to interpret some Latin."
"Oh, great! Interpret for who? A President? Do they need me to let them know what's going on in the Vatican?"
"Nope. Demon. Demon took over a woman."
"Ah, fuck Christ Sake! It's always a demon taking over a woman! What the hell did I learn this language for? I've interpreted for ZERO diplomats. Unless you count that diplomat that was possessed, but I don't!"
We should just call Latin the demon language. Every movie about someone being possessed uses it. No one speaks english, or German, or even demon. They speak Latin. It's like they're trying to make us believe that anyone who speaks spanish is possessed.
"How was your date with that hot Latin guy you've been talking to?"
"Awful. Turns out he's NOT Latin. He's Dolce from the eighth circle of hell. Came over and bit my cat. Had to call a priest to get him out of my house. Super hot when he talks, though. I was kinda turned on when he bit the cat, but THEN he pissed himself. I haven't been on a good date in months."
Possession movies always have the woman wearing a night gown, or a hospital gown, or some kind of tattered white, now dirty rag, who becomes possessed. Her face is dirty, her hair is awful. She has blood on her. ALWAYS a night gown or a hospital gown. No possession movie has had a woman in a pant suit, or bathing suit, or McDonald's Uniform.
"Woa. Your drive-thru attendant is crawling on the ceiling."
"Yep. She got possessed the other day. Kept coming to work. I'm not gonna complain, though. These ceilings need a dusting. This demon has some kind of work ethic. Keep your kids away from her."
Demons also love to possess a person then make them cut themselves. There's not one possession movie with the girl not cut up from head to toe. They don't take any time with this body at all. They don't take it to work, see what that's like. They don't run around slapping people for fun. They just get in, and start cutting it up. When a person stops being possessed, they must be in the worst pain of their lives. They have gashes all over them, they've a lot of times been bent into a pretzel. No way you just sleep that off. I'd like to see a movie of a person after they've been possessed, and the long road to recovery.
"Janice here was possessed for two weeks. Demon tore one of her eyes out, and she's had to learn to walk again because he walked her up the stairs like a spider before stretching her neck to the length of a giraffes. Look at her now. Possessed three months ago and left in a pile on the floor, now, she's managing a Lulu lemon and eating solid food again."
I'd assume to that if you are ever possessed, you don't really come back from that. How do you go back to living a regular life once a demon has taken your body? Knowing that a demon can just do that? That you don't have to say 'demon' three times in a mirror or anything? One day you're walking, next day you're telling a priest to suck your dick. You can just ENJOY a Froyo now? Don't think you'll forget the demon thing.
"Worst year of my life? Probably losing my job and my husband. Yeah. Why'd that happen again? Oooohhhh yeeaaaahhh. A demon took control of my body and made me stab him with a crucifix. Can't say I blame him for leaving. Either way, things are cool now. I enjoy canoeing again."
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
A red head in summer.
Summer again. I love it, but as a red head? Maaaaan, it can get rough. The sun and red heads are not really friends. Sun completely cooks us. We have to wear long clothes and cover our bodies in sun proof liquid to hit the streets. If we don't? Jesus, it can be painful. But it's not just the summer that can burn us. Serious? Yep. Serious. A cloudless, sun filled sky is not the only thing that can do the trick. Here's a list of some other things.
Sun glaring off the snow.
Now, you may think this doesn't make sense. 'How the hell can someone be burned by the sun in the winter? It's cold! What the hell! These people are freaks!' Okay, calm down. I was shocked by it when I was a kid. But when sun glares off fresh snow? Man. First, you got the actual sun coming down on you, and it's banking off of reflectors on the ground? It's sun from all angles! For a red head it's like walking through a cold tanning bed.
"What a beautiful day to freeze AND wear sunblock! Thanks, weird gene that makes me this way!"
A 120 watt bulb.
Now, these just ain't cool. I believe all red heads are happy that alternatives have been made. In all seriousness, who the hell needs that many watts? Are you looking for evidence in your living room? Are you hoping to zap away germs? Then scale down the watts a little bit. Or, if no red heads are ever in your house, you do what you want. But, unless you're trying to cook chicken while reading, no one needs a 120 watt bulb.
"Damn you, ghostrider bulb! A.k.a regular, 120 watt. Burnt!"
Full brightness on iPhones.
Oh, yes. Very real. Even if by some chance the brightness DOESN'T crisp up a red heads skin, the brightness on full will destroy our eyes. Why? We got no damn pigment, which affects how light comes at our faces. My phone is always on the lowest brightness. No one can see it. I'm basically staring at this computer right now at a negative brightness percentage. Full brightness on an iPhone is enough to get a car to stop for you on the side of the highway during a storm at night. Much too bright for the skin and eyes of a red head human.
"Woa, woa, woa. What do I want the right side of my face to look like it went to Florida? Better turn this down."
Yelling.
Little known fact. If you yell at a red head for a while, they can get burnt. That's how soft this damn skin is. Try it, but don't try it. You yell long enough at a red head, we'll get burned. ot breath hitting us for too long does damage to this already pretty iffy skin. A manager at a job I worked at once yelled at me for so long that my face peeled afterwards. True? No. But, it could be possible.
"Thank you for putting my face in my shirt to stop the burning! I appreciate it. Hopefully you calm down soon.
Hot shower.
Clean? Sure. Hot showers will make that happen. Burn a read heads skin? Yep. Sometimes a red head will step out of a hot bath and need to apply aloe. The sun lives everywhere for red heads. Even in the tap on the right. This is why most times we shower in the cold. That's right. You've never heard that? We shower in cold water the way a troll might that lives in a cave and has no option as to the type of water that flows through it. And if you already have a burn and step into a hot shower? Double burn. That's where the burn gets burned. You ever see a burned burn? Red head.
"Yep. Aloe after this one."
Twitter @Nathanmacintosh
People that should be paid more money.
1. Pilots.
Man, come on. Pilots? Pilots need more money. Every single time they land, they are saving your life. Every time they take a plane from the air, not throw it into a tail spin that leads to a fiery crash over the woods of Kentucky, land that plane with a couple hundred people on it? Saving lives. These people, sometimes, sometimes not, are making about a hundred grand a year. A hundred grand. A year. To save lives every day. Now, some will say, 'How is landing saving lives? It's them doing their jobs.' Sure, one way to look at it. If someone in a restaurant makes you a great burger, that is them doing their job. If they forget to put pickles on it, you are not in a tube that is about to explode on impact. You see what I'm saying? Pay these damn people more.
2. Truck Drivers.
Wooooaaaaaaa, truck drivers. Truck drivers have had jokes made about them for years. People say they are stupid, useless, fat, ugly, that they kill hookers. Haven't heard those things? Well, you would if you came to my house! Boom! Kidding. We can agree though that they are not looked upon as high level humans. BUT, without truck drivers, we pretty much wouldn't have nothing! Where does produce in the stores come from? How does your iPad make it to your nearest Apple mirrored funhouse? A fat, hooker killing truck driver drove it in. Okay, no more jokes about them being awful. They are great. They bring us everything we need. And how much do they make for this? Not too much. Around fifty grand a year. Fifty grand a year, to bring us things we can't live without! AND, they have to drive hours and hours, not sleep enough, not enough good food on the road, AND they don't get paid well, AND we don't respect them. Absolutely insane. More money to these people.
3. Cops.
Yes, all rappers hate them. Rappers hate them, which makes kids and white people in their 20's who refuse to mature at all hate them as well.
"Yo, fuck the cops."
"Why? You're a white guy from a suburb. They hurt you in any way?"
"Yeah. One time I was drinking in the woods underage and they took my Colt 45. Fuck these damn cops."
Cops are very necessary. There are for sure some bad cops. But that shouldn't make us hate them all. When we hear about serial killers, or baby eaters, or rapists, who goes after these people? You? A person who likes snap back hats and rolled cuffs on their jeans? You gonna hunt down the baby eating rapists? You gonna throw on one of the capes that Cam'ron made and hit the streets? Doubt it. Cops do. Cops in NY start at about thirty grand a year. After years, they can make around ninety grand a year. Ninety grand a year. To get shot at, stop a guy from cutting his wife's head off, be the first into a house where a child was just ripped in half, AND have everyone hate them. Cops need more money, man.
4. McDonald's Employees working night shift.
How in the HELL do people who work at McDonalds from seven am to four pm make as much money as these heros who work from ten pm to five am? HOW? One has a busy shift, and the other has a busy shift while basically being on fire. Saying day shift should make as much as night shift is like saying whoever made the website for the marines should be paid as much as a goddamn marine who goes to war. We ever hear of danger pay? That's what the night shift McDoanlds people should get. Ninety percent of their shift is dealing with people who are too drunk to be anywhere else.
"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You're too drunk for this place. "
"Whatever. I'm not too drunk for McDonald's. I'll go over there and fight someone for a McFlurry."
McDonald's fight videos are almost always at night. People getting dragged out of the drive thru, getting swung at our a cash register, having people drive through the front window. And THEY don't make more money? Come on! A guy coming in at eleven am might fight you, but a guy coming in at two am tweaking on vodka and female rejection? He might bite you. You should be paid more for that.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh