The Beatles. Untold stories?

I read an article about a Beatles movie that came out recently. It is about the band's fan club secretary, and is sold as an untold story. Are there really any more stories of The Beatles to be told? Have we not heard all of the stories that we need to hear? Are there not countless books, articles and interviews done about these men? What is left?

"January 12th, 1962, The Beatles walked into my diner. Okay, this story gets crazy from here. Paul asked for a cup of coffee. I had JUST given away the last cup of coffee, so I asked him if it was okay if he had to wait five minutes. He thought about it then said, 'YES!' Oh, man. Wasn't that story great?"

I am not a fan of the Beatles. Never really have been. I like some of their work individually, but together? Don't care for it. This makes some people livid. They'd rather here you're a fan of criminals.

"You don't like The Beatles? Are you insane?"

"What are you so mad about? It's not like I said I'm a fan of Jerry Sandusky."

"THAT I could understand more. Some kids are cute. But, my god. Not liking The Beatles? Just disgusting."

I used to get into arguments with people about how I believe Michael Jackson to be better than The Beatles. This argument doesn't even make sense. They are two completely different things, but the reason it would happen is because people wanted to know who I thought was good if I wasn't a fan of The Beatles. But, in this particular case, I can say that Michael Jackson was better than The Beatles for one major reason. He was better because he owned everything that The Beatles sang. He owned the catalog! Paul McCartney couldn't hum the song Yesterday without asking Michael if he could do so. Michael owned the entire catalog!

"Michael, look. I have a concert tonight and I need... God, I hate this... I want to sing a song that I wrote in the sixties."

"Well, Paul. Let me se..."

"It's my song, for God's sake! I wrote it!"

"Sorry, I couldn't hear because the receipt for the catalog I bought got jammed in one of my many zippers. What was that?"

If I own everything you have, I'm better than you. That's just how the world works. If I own all of your clothes and you have to come to me to ask to wear one of your shirts, who's on top in that situation?

One frustrating thing about The Beatles is that a lot of people who are not old enough to have been around when they were have crazy thoughts about what they have done. These mythic tales about what wasn't around before The Beatles. I told a girl once that I didn't like The Beatles. Her response?

"You don't like The Beatles? What are you, stupid? The Beatles invented rock and roll. Without them, there would be no other bands at all."

No other bands at all? There wouldn't have been any? What else does she think The Beatles invented?

"Paul McCartney built the first guitar out of toothpicks. Bet ya didn't know that! Did you know that people had never actually held hands before The Beatles sang I Want To Hold Your Hand? Nobody had thought about it before. Then they did it and said, 'Oh. This is really nice. Thanks, Beatles!"

Why is this the only band that people have these ridiculous thoughts about? Did they help rock and roll? Yes. Influenced countless bands? Yes. But invented? Invented! Jesus. We don't say that James Brown invented dancing, yet he influenced just about everyone famous you know who dances. There wouldn't have been a Michael Jackson without him. Without Michael? No Usher, Ginuwine, Justin Timberlake. Why don't we say James Brown invented dancing? Why isn't that what's said?

"Man, I've had a crush on Sarah since grade eight. I'm gonna ask her to slow 'James Brown' at the James Brown."

"Oh, man. At the high school 'James Brown'? You're gonna ask her to slow 'James Brown'?"

"Yeah, man. Maybe it'll be to a 'dance' song."

"Is that a 'James Brown' song?"

"...I'm confused as hell."

My ex-girlfriend was a fan of The Beatles. Once we were on the streetcar, and for some reason we were arguing about them. 'Some reason' is a ridiculous statement. The reason was me, for sure. Anyway, we were talking about it and she had one of these thoughts about them.

"Look, Nathan, before The Beatles, no one even danced."

Now, before I could say anything, a guy on the streetcar jumped in.

"Look, I don't care about your guy's argument, and it's none of my business, but people danced before The Beatles."

Of course people danced before The Beatles! In the forties when people heard music, you think they just stood there?

"You know, I'm feeling something listening to this twelve piece band, but I don't know how to express it."

"I know exactly what you mean. My suspenders just blew off from the beautiful sounds that are coming my way, and my snidely whiplash mustache flew off and is now doing some kind of contortion on the floor."

"I saw that! What would you call that?"

"I really don't know. I only hope that one day someone comes along who makes it possible for myself and my kids to move that way."

"Here, here. To a better, more physical future."

I feel that people just go along with the idea that The Beatles are the best. There are a lot of people in their twenties who love The Beatles without even asking questions about them. People were told they were the best and just went along with it. 'Oh, everyone else likes them? Okay. I'll get a t-shirt.' Barely happens with anything else.

"What's the best phone in the store?"

"I'd say the iPhone 5."

"Really? Are you sure? What about that VCR-sized Samsung Galaxy? That's not the best? I'm gonna go ask around and read some message boards. Wouldn't want to make any rash decisions."

Saying The Beatles is the best band is like saying Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler or that Lil Wayne is the best rapper. That Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is the best movie. The most popular things are not always the best.

Also, why does everyone in their twenties who likes The Beatles have to dress exactly the same? Is it a special club that only people who like Abbey Road can enter?

"I think I'm going to buy this plaid shirt."

"HEAR THIS, MORTAL. THY WHO DARES BUY PLAID MUST KNOW AT LEAST TWO SONGS FROM SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND."

"What... where is that booming voice coming from? I don't listen to The Beatles, I just want some plaid."

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH! RECITE COME TOGETHER NOW OR BE STRUCK DOWN WITH CORDUROY!"

For some reason as well, The Beatles will come on in bar, and people act as if it's newer than songs that came out last year.

"Oh, man! Yellow Submarine! Wooo! Haven't heard this in awhile."

"Yeah, I liked the last song, too."

"That Jay-Z song? Ugh, so old. God, what was that, from 2004?"

"...You know this Beatles song is from the sixties, right?"

"No! It's on right now! It's now!"

This turned into rambling, but back to my first point. There are no more untold stories of The Beatles. The only ones left are the stories from the afterlife. That's it. And even is we could talk John Lennon in the afterlife, people are so hard for Beatles stories that that would be what all of the questions were about.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is unbelievable. On todays' program, we have John Lennon from beyond the grave! John! Thank you so much for joining us. First question, what was it like being in The Beatles?"

"What? Umm, it was fun, I suppose. I hav..."

"Oh, that's amazing! Tell us, what's Paul like? Does he push people hard? Is he REALLY that talented?"

"... Are you really going to ask me questions about The Beatles? I've been dead for thirty three years! Do you know how hard it was to make this interview happen? Do you have any idea what I went through to get here? There's a chain of command on this side! You think you can just fly over to the cloud that has the satellite feed? Don't you care what's it like on this side? Don't you have any questions about that?"

"... I kinda feel that the afterlife would feel that way that it does to listen to Help! on a road trip. Is that what it feels like?"

"That's it. I'm outta here. I hope all of my messages of peace and love never got through to anyone and that you get hit by a bus."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Strippers don't fully strip in America?

When I was growing up, I would see movies with strip clubs in them where strippers were only topless. I thought nothing of just seeing a topless stripper. I thought that was just the way that strip clubs were.

"A topless woman dancing in a thong, huh? I wonder if that's really how strip clubs are? What am I talking about?! I'm thirteen and stayed up until three in the morning to see this! This is great!"

The first time I went to a strip club I was eighteen and it was in Quebec City. These women were beyond naked. Naked to an insane degree. It was as if I was looking at an X-ray of them. So I figured that the strip clubs in movies and shows like The Sopranos were just for TV and movies. Then I went to a strip club in America, and found out that they exist. Topless-only strip clubs. I thought they were filming something.

"Whoa! Did we walk onto a movie set? Is De Niro in this one?"

"What? No. This is a strip club."

"Oh, I get you. You're reading lines. I'll just step over here. Hey, do you think I could get some background performer money?"

Strip clubs where strippers are only topless. Strip clubs where strippers half strip.

"There goes my bra. Ahh, I don't feel like taking off the rest. I've had a long day! I've been taking it off for hours. Here are tits and legs. Are you REALLY going to complain about this?"

Yes. Yes I am.

It's not that the vagina HAS to be seen; it's just disrespectful to everyone in the building to think that it cannot be dealt with. It's disrespectful to the men who are being told they couldn't contain themselves if one came out, and disrespectful to the women who own them. What are they saying? Something is wrong with it?

"I would like to be a stripper."

"Perfect. Get naked...whoa! Not FULLY naked. I just meant take your shirt off. Wow. You said you wanted to be a stripper, right? Not get a physical. Jesus. Put your pants on and get out. A vagina? With no warning? You just ruined my Tuesday, madam."

There's no reason that a vagina should not be seen in a strip club. Why would we not show them? Are these strippers' vaginas broken? Is that why they have to keep it hidden?

"Ladies and gentleman, due to a terrible 'doing the splits' accident last night that completely shattered her vagina in four places, Lexus's vagina will not be appearing tonight."

"Wow. Four places. I hope it's okay. Glad she didn't crack her breasts swinging on the pole. What would I watch if that happened? I mean, I have to dodge my wife somewhere."

Does a strip club that is just topless entertain anyone? Honestly. Just topless? Is this a grade eight dance? Is Brian McKnight playing?

"I think this girl made a great choice stripping to 'Back at One'. What a lovely song. I'm not going to get a lap dance from her. I'm going to ask her if she wants to slow dance."

A woman taking her top off is not a 'strip club'. It's a college dorm room on a Friday.

"Woooo! I'm taking my shirt off!"

"Oh, God! I thought this was college. I didn't know it was a strip club! Who do I give my money to? Do I have to pay a cover? I'm already inside."

In New Orleans during Mardi Gras, women take their shirts off for beads. Is New Orleans during Mardi Gras a strip club? An open concept strip club?

"You ever been to a strip club that has cars in it before?"

"Naw, it's pretty weird. Where are the strippers?"

"See that girl carrying her heels and throwing up into an Arby's bag?"

"Ah, God. That's terrible."

"Yeah, but it's free, man. Just offer her these beads."

"Whoa! Sweet!"

"Not while she's throwing up! Huh. He'll never make that mistake again."

The explanation I've heard as to why there are no vaginas shown is that 'if strippers took their panties off, men would grab them.' My Jesus, I can't even. I've been to many strip clubs in Canada, and they are almost the quietest places you can go to. Other than 2Chainz pounding, it's pretty silent. Nobody is touching girls. Nobody is even screaming. Men are not looking at strippers with their eyes popping out of their heads. It's men drinking, looking at naked women and barely talking. It's a library with tits.

"Hey, you are gorge..."

"Shhhhh!"

"Oh, sorry. I was just trying to pay you a compliment."

"Well, pay one the way everyone does in here. Look at her while she's dancing as if you are watching taxes being filed."

A lot of women who haven't gone to strip clubs think it's the Wild West in there. Men swinging from chandeliers, punching people, throwing drinks, grabbing women who are walking around. It's not like that at all. It's more like a lot of men paying attention. Men are just like kids. We have pretty short attention spans. You ever see a kid who's freaking out, wanting a toy or a bottle and when they get it they calm down? That's men seeing naked women. And at strip clubs, it's a constant stream of naked women, so we stay calm the whole time.

"Where's that stripper going? What's happening? I don't want to go back to my thoughts! Someone better get naked again in front of me right now or I'll... Oh. Here's another. Ahhhh. Almost started thinking about all of the mistakes I've made."

There are actually some strip clubs in America where women are completely naked, but in places that are all nude, you can't buy alcohol. No alcohol. In a strip club!

"Can I get a Coke? I'm about to get a lap dance, and I want to make sure my thirst is sufficiently quenched beforehand. Actually, do you have a Gatorade? I'm thinking the sight of her ass made me lose some electrolytes."

No alcohol in a strip club where women are naked? How does that make any sense?

"We've got a couple of rules here, but the most important is, if a vagina is out, lock up the booze. If booze is out, lock up the vagina! They cannot occupy the same space."

"What if a bottle of rum falls out of the cupboard when a vagina is out doing its vagina thing?"

"...Then God help us all."

Let's just figure this out here. Guns in America? Cool. Vagina at a STRIP CLUB? Not cool. Assault rifle under your kitchen table just incase an assassin jumps through your window while you are baking a quiche? Cool. A woman taking her clothes off fully at a STRIP CLUB. Not cool. I... don't... understand.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Pope. He's out!

The pope has retired. He is the first pope in six hundred years to step down. It's a job that you are supposed to die at. Die. You are supposed to be the pope until you die. And that's actually die. Drop dead. Not just lose your soul, ability to feel and love after working in a call center day after day, after day.

"I think I need out of this job. I've been answering the phone here and getting yelled at for eight straight years now. I honestly don't know if I have any emotions left."

"Dead inside, huh? I hear ya. There's no getting out of here that way, though. They actually like it if you are without a soul anymore. Makes you a more efficient worker. Actually, you could get a promotion!"

"If they give me a promotion, I'm promoting myself all the way to hell."

You are supposed to die as pope while driving around in the pope-mobile feebly waving at people who believe in you, or kick the bucket while saying that gays are ruining the world.

"And God said... agh! My heart! It must be some queer clogging up my arteries. You killed me, gays! You did!"

But this pope has just said that he "doesn't feel up to it." That seems like a pretty holy thing to say. "Agh, don't feel like it." In a job that you are supposed to die doing, how can you resign? Wouldn't resigning from a job you are supposed to die in be killing yourself?

"I'm resigning as a father."

"You're a father no matter what you do. You'll be a good one or a bad one. How the hell are you going to resign?"

"I don't know. Rope. Running my car in the garage. A rusty coke can. I haven't decided yet, but I'm resigning."

What is the procedure to pick a new pope? Voting? A secret ballot system? Maybe there should be an American Idol type contest.

"Last week, we saw Xavier XVL put on the pope mitre in just forty five seconds. This week? Can he pretend to not see this priest touch this young boy? We'll soon find out and then throw the voting to you!"

In order for there to be a new pope, the preceding pope usually has to have died. The pope is sort of like the Highlander. There can only be one. Assuming the other pope is dead, a bunch of cardinals sit in a room, then they and God vote on the next pope. Yes, God. This is paraphrasing, but this is what I could find. God decides on the next pope, but I guess just because they would get bored sitting there waiting for God, the cardinals fill out ballots to vote.

"So, what, we just sit here until he decides?"

"Yes. He'll give us a sign."

"Ah, man. Well, can we do something until then? Cards? Dominoes? You wanna know who I like for pope? I was thinking that Celestine would be pretty good."

"Pretty good?"

"Yeah. He's old. He's white. He looks good in a blanket. He can wave. I think he's got it."

I don't truly understand this man. He's God's right hand man? He was chosen to be the head of the Catholic Church because he sees God more than the next guy?

"God came to me three times yesterday."

"Only three? I slept with him, then we made eggs in the morning."

"...Huh. Well, I guess you get the hat."

Apparently, the pope is the pastor of the universal church. You know, if you went to Mars and wanted to go repent? The pope is the pastor of the church on that surface as well.

"Took me a long time to get here! Does the pope ever come by?"

"...He's eighty-five. Do you really think he has it in him to travel through space? I'm assuming one of your sins is mocking the pope."

"...Yes, father."

This pope had a pretty intense Christmas message this year. Along with other things, he said that, "Gay marriage was a threat to humanity and world peace." Not only is this over the top, this is also a very long Christmas message. 'Merry Christmas'. 'Happy Holidays'. Those are my ideas of Christmas messages. You're supposed to say the pope's message to a cashier after you buy something?

"Here's your change, sir. Have a good day."

"Thank you. Gays are a threat to humanity and world peace!"

"...I'm really happy you are on your way out."

A message to the world at Christmas time shouldn't be something that is in a hate group's manifesto. Maybe one day they'll change their minds about gay people the same way they changed their minds about condoms and purgatory.

"You know what? I now think gay people are good. To show them I mean it, I'm going to bedazzle this hat even more!"

The pope doesn't like gay people but dresses as if he does. Has he ever noticed the gaudy things that he wears? Not that gay people would wear any of it, but I mean – straight men for sure wouldn't either.

"I couldn't find my jersey for the game tonight, so I just wrote 'Go Devils' on this sheet."

"...Are you going to wear the jeweled scarf too? And the tall embroidered hat?"

"Yeah! Doesn't it bring the whole outfit together? Weird question, but can you put my shoes on for me? I can't see my feet in this thing."

How could he not like gay people but then wear things that look like he fell through a drag queen's thrift store? It seems the more outlandish you dress the more power you seem to have. The pope, Lady Gaga, Prince. Nobody wearing a plaid shirt is going to command the same amount of power.

"I believe that we should all worship the trees."

"Are you wearing a shirt that I could buy at H&M?"

"Yeah. So? What does that have to do wit..."

"Let's stop following this guy!"

The pope shouldn't be thought of as holy. He didn't fall out of the sky. He's just a regular man who was put in that position. If the next pope falls out of the sky, THAT guy should be revered.

"Hey, guys. I'm here."

"Whoa! Did you just fall from the sky?!"

<ZAP>

"Anybody else want to be vaporized for asking stupid questions?"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh