Blowing your nose in public. No.

There are many things that are frowned upon to do in public. Scratching your business. Spitting. Reading People Magazine.

"Oh… my... God... Is that woman looking at a Best and Worst Dressed List? Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up."

Honestly, I cannot understand why blowing your nose is not one of those things. Since I was a kid, it has been something that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think it was a traumatic experience, but it could have been.

"Happy tenth birthday, Nathan! Blow out your candles!"

<Nose blowing>

"Uncle Jim!?"

"Ah, God. Sorry, Nathan. You'll be happy to know that I wished for this cold to go away. I blew out all ten, so I hope it comes true."

I have never liked it, though, and I can't understand why we let it happen out there.

Seriously, how did blowing your nose get above cleaning your ears as something you're allowed to do in public? How? If you see someone with a Q-tip in their ear on a bus, you think they're disgusting.

"Wow. You couldn't do that at home, you piece of garbage? I bet you harass women. Yeah, keep cleaning your ears as if you can't hear me say this all in my head while I stare at you and pretend to read this paper. KEEP CLEANING!"

When people clean their ears, would you even know that it was happening if you weren't staring at them? Cleaning your ears doesn't make any noise. For sure not a noise that is used for comedic effect in movies like 'Must Love Dogs'.

"So, Susan, where did you say you went to school?"

(<Nose blowing>)

"Huh. Never heard of it. Is that an elephant sanctuary?"

"No... agh... I went to (<nose blowing>)"

"Huh? That's a weird school chant. Must be hard to yell during games. I went to Alabama. Roll damn tide!"

Another thing you can't do in public? Floss or brush your teeth. If you see someone flossing their teeth in public, you assume that they just got a divorce.

"Man. Poor guy. Do you think he got to keep the house?"

"He's picking his teeth with a newspaper he found on the seat beside him. Safe to say, probably not."

"Do you think his kids hate him?"

"He's picking his teeth with the business section. He hates him."

You can't brush your teeth in public. We would look at someone crazier for doing that in public than blowing his or her nose. Does that make sense?

"Is that guy cleaning his mouth? Wow. If that's not Alec Baldwin, that guy is a piece of trash. Did this guy at the table beside me just blow some of his brain onto a Chipotle receipt? Bless him. Bless him and his nose blowing ways. Hey, tooth-brusher! Take that to an alley, you animal! My kids are here, for God's sake!"

We don't like people cutting their nails in public. Why? Is it because it's gross that a piece of their body could fly all over the place? Yeah? That's the same as blowing your nose! Oh, wait. People blow their nose into a gross piece of tissue paper that they keep in their pocket. That's what makes it okay, right? What if someone cut his or her nails in public under a napkin? Would it be okay then?

"Ummm, why are you taking your shoes off?"

"Man, one of these nails is driving me crazy! Don't worry. I'm gonna clip into this Applebee's serviette. I mean, I'm not a maniac or anything! (<Clip>) Aren't you going to say 'bless you'? I can't believe how some people can be so rude. Enjoy the rest of your day, non-bless-you person... Can you pass me that shoe?"

If you are going to do it, it should never happen beside strangers on crowded public transportation. Beside people you don't know? There's too much that can go wrong.

"Well, I'm really jammed in here. There's a person directly beside me and this guy is almost on my lap. As good a time as any to clear my nasal passages."

<Nose blowing>

"Sorry about that. I had no idea that the tissue would rip and spray all over your work pants."

"Don't worry about it, man. Since we as a society deemed blowing your nose in public okay, I'm sure it doesn't carry any bacteria. Feel better soon, and if you want, next time? Just blow your nose right on my pants."

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Oh, please. Thank you for giving me the ability to say 'bless you'. I'm now a mini hero."

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a member of the mob? A Lohan? Why is this something you feel is okay? You would think it was only done by diplomats.

"Hello, sir. Welcome to America. Park anywhere you would like to."

"Thank you. I was also told by your president that I can shoot mucus from my face in public if I so choose."

"Oh yeah? I'm allowed to do that. Am I a diplomat?"

"Can you kill anyone you want and get away with it?"

"...No. No I can't."

"Bless you."

I've only heard one argument as to why people should blow their nose in public.

"I'd rather someone blow their nose than have to see snot on their face."

Why the hell are you hanging out with people who have no idea what is happening with their face?

"You know, I just don't think people take me seriously?"

"Yeah... about that. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've had a thin film of mucus on your face for the last fifteen years. I'm cool with it, but others? I mean, you know."

"I have?" (<Touches face for the first time in fifteen years>) 

"I have! Oh, man. I had no idea. I've gone on dates! I've been to funerals! People must have thought I'm insane!"

"Or just a homeless person who has lost their mind due to not having everyday conversations. Either way, now you know."

Who do you know like this? Are you having really deep conversations with children?

"I just don't know if I can take out a second mortgage, you know? There's got to be a better way."

"Give me blocks! I want juice! Where are my pants?!"

"Exactly. Who's going to give ME blocks? At least I know where my pants are."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.

"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."

"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."

"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"

"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."

"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.

"Can I have a muffin?"

"A muffin?"

"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."

"So a bagel?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."

"What? You want a treat?"

"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.

"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."

"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."

"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"

"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."

Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.

"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."

<GASPS>

"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."

"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."

"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"

"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"

"Let me go talk to him."

"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.

"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"

"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."

Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.

"She should be punched in the face!"

"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"

"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 

"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.

"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."

"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."

"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"

"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."

"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"

"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.

"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.

"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."

"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."

"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."

"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"

"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.

"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"

"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"

"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."

"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"

"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!

"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"

It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?

"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"

I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!

"Will that be small, medium or large?"

"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

January. Worst month of the year.

People might disagree with this. People might say it's February. People might say it's November. Maybe you hate Christmas and Hanukkah to such a degree that you hate December. Maybe you just can't stand goodbyes.

"Nooo! I was loving this year. Why does it have to end? Can't we just hold off for a bit? Can we take a poll and see what others think? Let's keep this year going! I don't want you, January! I'm going to count up during the countdown. Keep this year going!"

January, though, is the worst month of the year. Here are some reasons why that is so.

It's the first month of the year, which really just makes it the year's Monday. It's a Monday as well that starts on a cold, snowy day. Not all Mondays are cold. But on some, you have to warm up the car, you don't want to get out of bed, it's dark when you go to work and it's dark when you get home.

"Just woke up and it's dark as hell. I probably have some time before I have to get up. It's gotta be about four in the morning. Seven thirty! What?! I'm late! Ahhh, it's freezing out there! Everything here feels bad!"

Those Mondays are awful. And that's January. January is one straight month of that day. It's a thirty-one day Monday.

Another reason it's the worst month? There is nothing in it at all to look forward to. Nothing. November? Not too much in itself, but it means Holidays are coming. December? Christmas and New Year's. February? It's cold, yes, but it's not that long. Plus, March is around the corner and that's when things start to be good again. January? Nothing. January is cold, dark, sucks and leads right into another bad month. It is garbage followed by garbage! January is an episode of Yes, Dear that leads into Two and a Half Men.

"What's on tonight?"

"Yes, Dear followed by Two and a Half Men."

"Wooooo. I really don't think I can deal with that without getting some vitamin D. Want to shut it off until September?"

It's a month that almost forces you to take naps, and then changes its look entirely when you do so. January puts you to bed at 3pm, and you wake up an hour later, it looks like it's a completely new year.

"What the hell? I went to sleep when the sun was up and now it looks like Skynet has become self aware out there. Where's John Connor? Am I too late? Am I a member of the resistance? I'll be back, bed. I have to figure this out!"

Usually, January starts on a hangover. It starts that way! It starts after the last year's big party. The first glimpse you have of January is with a pounding headache, the taste of cigarettes in your mouth and a craving for a McGriddle and ice cream.

"Oh, man. Happy New Year, huh? Let's do it, January! I'm starting this one off right. I can't find my shoes, I dropped my phone in a toilet and I don't think I left my keys in a cab, I'm pretty sure the driver stole them. Just took them! What is he going to do with my keys?"

January starts after a night that is always over-hyped – New Year's Eve. It is never as great as people say it's going to be. Lines are crazy long. It's expensive to get into places that then have no room for you to be in anyway. Drinks are watered down. Girls are crying all over the place. Men are fighting for no reason. People try to dress as if it's hotter than it is. Places have DJs who think they are more important than the countdown.

"Hey, when is the countdown?"

"Oh, that happened. We didn't do it, though; because I had to say "DJ Bag of Shit is in the building" over a Madonna mash up thirteen times. Happy New Year."

The first two hours into January is usually when people start to realize that the night that was supposed to be amazing is an expensive bust, and now, even though the only thing they want to do is get home, they can't get a cab.

"Hi, can I get a cab to..."

"Hahaha. Are you serious? A cab? What, you don't think it's the busiest cab night of the year? I was picking up the phone to take it off the hook! Good luck with that."

I have never been in a warm place for January. Absolutely terrible. Twenty seven Januarys in my life, all of them frigid. There has to be places in the world where January doesn't matter. Brazil? I'm sure that January in Brazil is pretty sweet. I would love to be there for January. I'm sure people who live in warm places never hope that they could live in a cold place for January.

"January. Man, I hate this month."

"Yeah. Still hot, and STILL women walking around in thongs. Can we get something a little different? Would it kill anyone if it was cold around here for a bit?"

"I'd love to see a woman in a sweater. Just once. Never happens."

"I hear you, man... Do you find it weird that we speak English to each other and not Portuguese?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing."

I would love to see a January that is not like living in a meat freezer with a busted light.

That's another thing. There's no sun in January. The sun is out for about four hours a day. Worst thing is – it's only out on the coldest days. The over cast, dark-as-hell days are usually the warmest.

"Whoa! Look at that sun! It's probably great out there. Let's just check the weather. Huh. That's weird. They usually have a temperature posted. All this says is 'The Sun's a Liar'. That's a strange forecast."

You get sunlight for just about no time at all. January feels the way that being kidnapped probably feels. You're walking along in the sun, and all of sudden, darkness.

"This is a pretty nice day. I'm having a go... Hey! What are you doing!? Put me down!"

"Get in that trunk! You're coming with us!" (<Slams trunk closed>)

"...Hey! What's going on!? I can't see anything in here! Well, I can't let this darkness stop me. I have stuff to do. I was on my way home to start this novel I've been putting off. Hard to do in the dark, but it'll have to do. I'm still getting things done. You hear me kidnappers?! I'M STILL GETTING THINGS DONE!"

I am willing to bet that no feel-good movies or songs are written in January. Think Good Burger was written in January? Probably not. This is the month where the Requiem For A Dreams, the Schindlers Lists and the He Stopped Loving Her Todays are written.

"I feel like writing a nice, fun song. I'll look outside for some inspiration. Hmmm. Looks like the Grim Reaper's dick out there. This doesn't make me think of anything positive. This reminds of the time I saw that dog get hit by a rogue hot pretzel cart. All right, well this isn't going to be a song they can play at the beach."

There's no way that there are artists in the North West Territories or Antarctica who come up with any sunny, positive stuff. No way. I bet every piece of writing is about or to the sun.

"Thanks for coming, everyone. This is a poem entitled 'Sun, You Rhyme with Gun, Which I Could Use to End This Whole Damn Thing'. Dear Sun. Please come back. It has been dark for eight months. Eight months, sir Sun. Could you even kinda understand what that would be like? Okay, look. If you're not going to come back, could you send a U-Haul to this desolate wasteland? Please, Sun! I can't live like this anymore. Yesterday I brushed my teeth with a fork. You get delirious when you don't get vitamin D! My gums are cut to hell! Please, Sun! Please!"

(<Light Applause>)

"It doesn't really rhyme, but I FEEL him."

Another reason it is terrible? It has the most depressing day of the year in it. The third Monday of January is regarded as the most depressing day of the year. It actually has the highest suicide rate of any other day of the year. Did you read that?! The highest suicide rate! That's the big holiday to look forward to in January. Highest suicide rate day.

"Did you get your wife anything for the most depressing day of the year?"

"It's being delivered Monday. It's about two hundred and forty pounds and will be hanging by a Monster Cable cord from a beam in the garage."

"Ooooo. Sounds expensive."

"Not really. It had a lot of potential in high school, but now it's worth about thirty-five grand a year. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of goodbyes to write."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh