Credit cards.

Credit cards. I have one, you have one, I'm sure even credit cards have credit cards.

"How would you like to pay?"

"I am payment!"

"Sorry, sir, I'll need something that isn't your person."

These days, to not have a credit card is to live in the woods. I'm sure you can't even live there without one!

"Yep, I sleep in a tree and hunt for my food. But the river won't allow me to fish unless I give them my card number. I don't know who programmed this river, but I'm not going against it."

Credit cards have made it so that you can't buy anything with cash anymore. Not at all! People used to be able to buy things with cash. Credit card companies, though, have made it so you NEED them to do anything. You want an apartment? You need credit. You want a car? You need credit.

"But I have money!"

"Well, is that money invisible?"

"No, of course not. It's right here!"

"Ah, see. That's the problem. It has to be invisible. Sorry, sir! You can sleep on your actual money in the street, though."

Credit card companies do not care about people at all. Credit cards are given out to poor people in poor grocery stores. How could companies be so heartless!?

"Do you want a credit card?"

"Credit card?! My cart is full of Mr. Noodles! What the hell am I gonna do with a credit card? I'm in twenty thousand dollars worth of debt!"

"...If you sign up for one, I'll give you some cookies?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa – cookies! Chocolate chunk?! What debt? I'm in!"

Every time I see one of those guys standing behind a little podium saying, "Want to sign up for a credit card? Right now! You don't even need credit. None! No credit!", I want to karate kick him in the head. You don't have any money either?! What the hell are we doing here?

"Sign up for something that messed up your whole life! But this one doesn't care that your whole life is messed up!"

These guys are at the airport, too! Who in the world needs to sign up for a credit card while catching a connecting flight to Cleveland?

"Sir! Would you like to sign up for a credit card?"

"Well, I obviously already have one. You can't book a flight without it. If I didn't have one I wouldn't be in this terminal with you. And I have to catch a flight in half an hour or I'll be stuck in this airport for six hours, have to use the credit card I already have to book another flight, which will cost a ton because they know I'm screwed – but why not! I don't have all of those holders in my wallet full yet!"

Credit card commercials are amazing as well. They could just say, "Hey, if you don't have one of our cards or someone else’s cards, you won't be able to even leave your house!" Nope, they don't do that. They try to have funny commercials. FUNNY COMMERCIALS. For CREDIT CARDS!

"Hey, what's that?"

"Oh, that? It's a space shuttle I bought on this Pay Now, Cry Later credit card."

"Space shuttle? Are you qualified to fly that thing?"

"No, but the hot Russian space lady that came with it is!"

"Я унес бы Вас обоих, но я только имею один рот."

"Pay Now, Cry Later credit cards. Why cry now and pay later?"

They'll give a credit card to someone who is eighteen who doesn't even have a job, or someone in their twenties or thirties who has had one before and still owes money. But if you never have had one, and paid cash for everything in your life, when you’re forty you can't get one! They won't give you one when you can pay it off!

"I'm sorry, sir, you don't have any credit."

"I know. That's what I'm trying to get the card for."

"Ah, I see. Well, is there a way you could prove you’re bad with money? Could we contact a friend with whom you still owe something to?"

"No. I've been good with all of my bills and everything. Doesn't that make me eligible?"

"...What? Sorry, I stopped paying attention when you said you've been good with your bills. Want to take a mint and get out?"

Credit card companies get other people to collect for them as well. They don't even call you themselves! They get other people who are in debt to call people who are in debt to collect. 

"Thanks for coming in for the interview today. How much debt are you in?"

"Me? Jesus, lots."

"Perfect! Then you'll be fine working for thirteen dollars an hour and working fifty hours a week! Start with this list."

"This one has me on it!"

"Yes, it does. Call yourself and talk yourself into paying us back. If you work sixty hours a week and disconnect from your family, we'll cut your debt by ten percent."

"Sweet! When do I start?"

"Right now. Work until Thursday."

That would be the worst job on the planet. Only thing worse would be ditch digging on the side.

"Which job do you have today?"

"In the morning I have to call people and try to dig money out of them. In the afternoon I have to stand beside a highway and dig a hole in the earth."

"...I envy nothing about you."

Can credit card companies just say what they are? Can't they? Credit card companies are the same as loan sharks. The only difference is you never meet anyone who actually works at the credit card company. You don't have to talk to anyone there to get money. You have to meet a loan shark to get money from him.

"Hello, I'd like to borrow five thousand dollars."

"No problem. Here it is. I need you to return it in two weeks, with an extra three thousand for me being so generous. Also, if you don't return the money plus interest, I'll kill your entire family."

"...Okay...nice to meet you."

"You, too! Have a good day and tell your friends! 

Why must they charge you so much? I have a credit card that has a nineteen percent interest rate. Nineteen percent! I know you guys need to make money, but nineteen percent interest? We both need each other. I need you or I won't be able to buy a couch ever in my life, and you need people like me or you will not have enough money to still be able to buy couches, light them on fire and throw them at poor people.

"There's another poor person!"

"Nice! Throw the La-Z-Boy! Wait, put it on the street so he can sit in it, and when he brings the foot rest up, then we'll set it on fire!"

"You know, we could just raise their interest rates to twenty one percent. We don't necessarily need to light them on.."

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

Credit cards are so serious that you can go to jail for lying to get a credit card. Jail! If you lied to get a Blockbuster card when it was around, nothing happened. You just rented "Sudden Death" that night.

"They asked me if I owed any money. I told ‘em no! Hello, Jean Claude Van Damme!"

You lie on a credit card application? You could end up beside a guy who boiled a kid in an old fridge.

"What are you in for?"

"Ah man, I fibbed on a credit card application. You?"

"Same! Except I kidnapped a seven-year-old, put him in an old fridge I found on the side of the road, and poured hot caramel on him until he was a kid caramel kid apple."

"...I don't think I should be here with you."

"You! I shouldn't be anywhere. I'm crazy!"

Christmas music. There is no need.

There was a point in time when Christmas music would only play in December. You know – the month that Christmas is in? Then came the time when companies thought, "Hey, we can get a jump on this and start playing Christmas music the last week of November." Fine, but now? Christmas music starts playing the first week of November! First week! Of the MONTH BEFORE! Will this trend keep going?

"Wow, I can't believe August is over already. September 1st! Well, time for the Christmas music."

"What? It's not even fall yet!"

"What – you don't like Christmas music? Wow, why don't you just punch Santa and kick kids!"

People come in to stores and think, "Oh, Christmas music! I love it!" But do you ever take a second to think about the people who work in that store? Sure, to come in for ten minutes is nice. But to work there for eight hours a day, four or five days a week? You'll want to blow your eggnog off! When I was working at Starbucks, we would get the Christmas CD on November 1st! 1st! And it had to be played! The CEO, Howard Schultz, must have thought that was hilarious.

"Make them listen to the Christmas music everyday."

"But, sir! There are only twelve Christmas songs! They'll go insane!"

"I know! Isn't it hilarious? Not only do they have to deal with anal people who want a drink at a certain temperature, but to do that while listening to "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"? Oh, man. One day, when you own people, you'll understand. Now get out! I have to kick this homeless guy for an hour."

That's the hilarious twist to Christmas music. It’s the same twelve songs over and over and over again. No new songs! Never! Even when they say,

"Some new Christmas music for all you Christmas lovers out there! Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – by Pink!"

An artist can't just sing a song they haven't sung before and have it be called a 'new' song. IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG! Why do we want every artist to sing Christmas songs? WHY?! How did we let this happen? There's no other genre of music that we would accept this with.

"God, I love John Denver, but have you heard Lil Wayne’s version of ‘Thank God I'm a Country Boy’? Huge. Or John Denvers version of A Milli?! Amazing."

Also, Christmas music is so old! It's the equivalent of listening to music made in the 14th century.

"Oh, what's that? The lute?! Turn that up, sire!"

Some new Christmas music has come out over the years. Justin Bieber has a new Christmas album out. WITH THE SAME TWELVE SONGS AND A COUPLE OF NEW ONES! I don't think any new Christmas song, though, can be sung by a white guy saying "shawty". Nope. Can't happen. Frank Sinatra didn't sing "I Saw That Dame Kissing Santa Claus" or "That Old Chick got run over by a Reindeer."

I honestly am not a fan of anyone who truly likes Christmas music. I like Christmas, but the music? You know the people. The people who will play Christmas music in their car. Christmas music while driving!

"Alright, we have a five hour trip, and I brought Christmas music sung by various artists! It's going to be so festive!"

"Oh, nice! To make it really festive, I hope we crash into a pine tree!"

"Oh, that would be the best! We would be like presents for the ambulance drivers! Yaaaa!"

Christmas is shoved in your face. Heaven forbid you have a bad day in the Christmas season, because some over-involved soccer mom who’s trying to fill up the time so her past pain doesn't catch up to her, will say, "Oh, what's wrong? Come on! Get in the Christmas spirit for Pete's Sake!"
Is there any Christmas spirit left? I thought you may have used all of it to decorate your Crocs.

Most families don't talk all year, and then are supposed to come together on one magical day of the year and have the best time of their lives? I'm sure that for at least fifty percent people, that is not a reality. What happens is – people show up and yell about unresolved problems.

"I'm so happy everyone could make it here for Christmas! Chris, would you like to say grace?"

"Grace? We're not even eating at a table, and it's just you and me here!"

"Chris, now is not the time."

"It's never the time! Where the hell was dad? Why did you never hug me as a kid!? I'm twenty eight and can't love! Get this turkey out of my face!"

Christmas commercials are the worst things on the planet. Only full families and houses are represented. Are these the only people who celebrate Christmas? Gorgeous families with gorgeous dogs, gorgeous Christmas trees, gorgeous presents under these trees, a gorgeous spread of food on gorgeous tables, two gorgeous parents, and the ugliest sweaters ever made? Christmas commercials show boats, big houses, dogs who have jackets and engraved food dishes, and beautiful families. You know, really disgusting things. Sentences said between father and son like,

"Son, do you mind bringing me my slippers?"

"Which ones, dad? The Mario Andretti Ferrari ones or the Yankees Commemorative World Series ones?"

"Now son, does it really matter?"

"...Hahahahah... oh, my. We are really in love and live good lives."

I grew up in an apartment. My life is NOT represented at Christmas time on TV. Except when there is a movie about a cop who has lost everything. His partner was hit by a stray Tomahawk missile, and his wife was blown up by a car bomb that was meant for him. He's alone on Christmas, in an apartment, holding a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, trying to figure out which one to put in his mouth. What I grew up in is only used at Christmas time to show someone at their lowest!

"Merry Christmas, whiskey. Merry Christmas, Glock .45. Which one of you will follow me under the mistletoe?"

I used to be upset that my life wasn't the same as what is shown on TV at Christmas time, but then I realized that the people who live the way TV shows usually end up in the paper. With a quote from a neighbor , "He was just a nice guy. I can't believe he choked an entire swim team to death with a Christmas reef while singing 'Silent Night'. Wow. Just a nice guy."

Positive thinking. We're not still going with this, right?

Positive thinking. It's become the mantra said to you no matter what is happening.

"This shark is biting my leg!"

"Just think positive! Positivity is poison to sharks! ...Where did you go? Are you going under the water to yell at the shark, "I'm a positive person! Taste the poison!"...Jeff?!" 

Positive thinking is not the only way any of us are going to live well.

Celebrities say, "Just think positive and work hard." Garbage! You forgot to mention, "Have a marketing team and managers!" You don't get on a billboard in Times Square just because you thought, "Man, all days are lovely days."

No! You have a manager in a suit, yelling at other men in suits.

"If you don't put my client on a billboard in Times Square, your kid’s blood will RAIN DOWN ON YOUR HEAD! Is that what you want? It to RAIN YOUR CHILD’S BLOOD!"

Oprah used to say, "You can get whatever you want by thinking positive!" Tell that to the people who have HIV who aren’t Magic Johnson.

"Just think positively, guys. I beat it, so can you."

"...But you have millions of dollars for treatments..."

"You know how I got this money?"

"...By thinking positively?"

"No, by playing basketball! Now think positive!"

Thinking positive cannot be your only tactic on achieving what you want in this life. If you only think positively, you're not going to get what you want. If you really want to be an actor, but all you do is sit on a couch and think good thoughts, you will be a person who calls themselves an actor and sits on the couch thinking good thoughts.

"I really want to be an actor. If I just think about how cool it's going to be, I'll get there. Man, it's gonna be sooo great. I'll be able to afford a way more comfortable couch and way more delicious chips! Come on dream career, I'm positiviting the hell out of this!"

A lot of people will say "think positive" just to shut you up.

"How do I get to where you are? How do I achieve my... "

"Woah, woah, woah. Just relax and think positive, okay? That's all you have to do."

"What about all of the training you did in the gym? Doesn't that have anyth..."

"Are you still here? Man, I said, THINK POSITIVE. What part of that do you not understand? That's all you have to do. Now get away from me. I have a lot of crunches, pull-ups. sit ups, running, sparring, dips, curls, squats, suicide drills, swimming and taiwanese kickboxing to do. Just THINK POSITIVE!"

There are some points in life, though, that positive thinking really won't help. You're hungry? You can't just think positive thoughts about food and have food show up.

"Let's do this, Buffalo wings! I'm positively thinking hard!"

"Here are the wings you ordered, sir. That'll be twelve dollars."

"I knew it would work! Now, to pay this bill by thinking positively. Hmmpphhff... bill paid yet?"

"... just give me the twelve dollars."

Thinking positively, in most cases, is a good way to live, though. It does help you to say "I can" as apposed to "I cannot". It helps your mood and makes you a more attractive person. Anyone want to talk to the guy at a party who is in the corner with his head down? Maybe for a minute.

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"The world is awash with greed and fire is raining in my head constantly. This beer is flat and I can't love anymore."

"...Nice! Well, enjoy your night!"

But people say "think positive" as if negative thinking has never brought us anything good. Negative thinking has brought us some great art. There are songs, movies, and pieces of art that are fantastic, and in no way could they have been brought to us if the people making them had thought positively. We wouldn't have Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" had he been thinking positively.

"What are you working on?"

"Oh, just a painting with a man holding his face, screaming on a boardwalk into the night, with what looks like a vortex from hell behind him."

"...Oohhh...why?"

"Because I'm in a really good place right now."

If you like country music, you can forget about it ever being around if country stars were going to think positively. Definitely old country stars. You think country music superstar George Jones came up with "He Stopped Loving Her Today" while thinking about birds and cotton candy? 

"Woo, today is great! Cotton candy in my country-music-superstar hand. Birds chirping in my country-music-superstar ears. Wait, I feel a song coming on! A song called... "He Stopped Loving Her Today"! Arguably, the saddest song ever made! Thank you, positive thinking and gorgeous day for bringing this song to my mind."

No! It was a terrible day in his life – and because of that he came up with music that has helped people when they have terrible days.

Without thinking negatively we wouldn't have Million Dollar Baby. Million Dollar Baby! That movie is fantastic! Sad, inspirational, sad again, more inspiration. Movies with endings like "The Wrestler". Yeah, it's sad, but how else would you end that movie?

"Randy "The Ram" with a Ram Jam! And oh, he hits it perfectly! Wait, what's happening here? Oh my god! Ed McMahon is coming down the ramp with a giant novelty cheque!"

"Yes, sir! Randy, I've been following your career and I don't think you deserve to be wrestling in these high schools and legions for no money. Here's a cheque for two million dollars! Ram Jam that all the way to the bank! WoooHaaaa!"

Sometimes you want to feel depressed. Sometimes there is no other way but to have a day where you are down. On days like that you need things to make you remember that you are not alone. If everyone and everything in the world were positive when you had a day like that, you would end it.

"Man, I'm having a really bad day guys."

"Oh, really? We have no idea what you are talking about. Not I, nor anyone I know has ever had a bad thought. We were just on our way to sit in a drum circle and hum positive affirmations. Would you like to join? "

"That's it, I'm out!"

Books like "The Secret" have really made people believe that if they think and believe hard enough, they will get what they want. All it really shows us is that we should all write books on thinking positively. With the money you'll make, it'll be hard for you to think negatively.