Positive thinking. We're not still going with this, right?

Positive thinking. It's become the mantra said to you no matter what is happening.

"This shark is biting my leg!"

"Just think positive! Positivity is poison to sharks! ...Where did you go? Are you going under the water to yell at the shark, "I'm a positive person! Taste the poison!"...Jeff?!" 

Positive thinking is not the only way any of us are going to live well.

Celebrities say, "Just think positive and work hard." Garbage! You forgot to mention, "Have a marketing team and managers!" You don't get on a billboard in Times Square just because you thought, "Man, all days are lovely days."

No! You have a manager in a suit, yelling at other men in suits.

"If you don't put my client on a billboard in Times Square, your kid’s blood will RAIN DOWN ON YOUR HEAD! Is that what you want? It to RAIN YOUR CHILD’S BLOOD!"

Oprah used to say, "You can get whatever you want by thinking positive!" Tell that to the people who have HIV who aren’t Magic Johnson.

"Just think positively, guys. I beat it, so can you."

"...But you have millions of dollars for treatments..."

"You know how I got this money?"

"...By thinking positively?"

"No, by playing basketball! Now think positive!"

Thinking positive cannot be your only tactic on achieving what you want in this life. If you only think positively, you're not going to get what you want. If you really want to be an actor, but all you do is sit on a couch and think good thoughts, you will be a person who calls themselves an actor and sits on the couch thinking good thoughts.

"I really want to be an actor. If I just think about how cool it's going to be, I'll get there. Man, it's gonna be sooo great. I'll be able to afford a way more comfortable couch and way more delicious chips! Come on dream career, I'm positiviting the hell out of this!"

A lot of people will say "think positive" just to shut you up.

"How do I get to where you are? How do I achieve my... "

"Woah, woah, woah. Just relax and think positive, okay? That's all you have to do."

"What about all of the training you did in the gym? Doesn't that have anyth..."

"Are you still here? Man, I said, THINK POSITIVE. What part of that do you not understand? That's all you have to do. Now get away from me. I have a lot of crunches, pull-ups. sit ups, running, sparring, dips, curls, squats, suicide drills, swimming and taiwanese kickboxing to do. Just THINK POSITIVE!"

There are some points in life, though, that positive thinking really won't help. You're hungry? You can't just think positive thoughts about food and have food show up.

"Let's do this, Buffalo wings! I'm positively thinking hard!"

"Here are the wings you ordered, sir. That'll be twelve dollars."

"I knew it would work! Now, to pay this bill by thinking positively. Hmmpphhff... bill paid yet?"

"... just give me the twelve dollars."

Thinking positively, in most cases, is a good way to live, though. It does help you to say "I can" as apposed to "I cannot". It helps your mood and makes you a more attractive person. Anyone want to talk to the guy at a party who is in the corner with his head down? Maybe for a minute.

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"The world is awash with greed and fire is raining in my head constantly. This beer is flat and I can't love anymore."

"...Nice! Well, enjoy your night!"

But people say "think positive" as if negative thinking has never brought us anything good. Negative thinking has brought us some great art. There are songs, movies, and pieces of art that are fantastic, and in no way could they have been brought to us if the people making them had thought positively. We wouldn't have Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" had he been thinking positively.

"What are you working on?"

"Oh, just a painting with a man holding his face, screaming on a boardwalk into the night, with what looks like a vortex from hell behind him."

"...Oohhh...why?"

"Because I'm in a really good place right now."

If you like country music, you can forget about it ever being around if country stars were going to think positively. Definitely old country stars. You think country music superstar George Jones came up with "He Stopped Loving Her Today" while thinking about birds and cotton candy? 

"Woo, today is great! Cotton candy in my country-music-superstar hand. Birds chirping in my country-music-superstar ears. Wait, I feel a song coming on! A song called... "He Stopped Loving Her Today"! Arguably, the saddest song ever made! Thank you, positive thinking and gorgeous day for bringing this song to my mind."

No! It was a terrible day in his life – and because of that he came up with music that has helped people when they have terrible days.

Without thinking negatively we wouldn't have Million Dollar Baby. Million Dollar Baby! That movie is fantastic! Sad, inspirational, sad again, more inspiration. Movies with endings like "The Wrestler". Yeah, it's sad, but how else would you end that movie?

"Randy "The Ram" with a Ram Jam! And oh, he hits it perfectly! Wait, what's happening here? Oh my god! Ed McMahon is coming down the ramp with a giant novelty cheque!"

"Yes, sir! Randy, I've been following your career and I don't think you deserve to be wrestling in these high schools and legions for no money. Here's a cheque for two million dollars! Ram Jam that all the way to the bank! WoooHaaaa!"

Sometimes you want to feel depressed. Sometimes there is no other way but to have a day where you are down. On days like that you need things to make you remember that you are not alone. If everyone and everything in the world were positive when you had a day like that, you would end it.

"Man, I'm having a really bad day guys."

"Oh, really? We have no idea what you are talking about. Not I, nor anyone I know has ever had a bad thought. We were just on our way to sit in a drum circle and hum positive affirmations. Would you like to join? "

"That's it, I'm out!"

Books like "The Secret" have really made people believe that if they think and believe hard enough, they will get what they want. All it really shows us is that we should all write books on thinking positively. With the money you'll make, it'll be hard for you to think negatively.