DJs. I think they're done.
Napster was a big deal when I was a teenager. It's how we listened to new music. It took an hour to get one song, but it was amazing! I remember trying so hard to find songs that DJ Clue wasn't on. That guy annoyed me so much. I'd wait an hour, the song would finally be downloaded, I'd press play, then ten seconds in:
"DJ Clue, Clue, Clue! I'm in the building! Shot out to DMX for this song! Get ‘em X, X, X! Shot out to my mom, my sister, the guy who sold me this hat, the airwaves, the future, the past, coconut water, water, water! Desert Storm in the building, building, building! Get ‘em X! You killing ‘em, ‘em, ‘em!"
Can you please shut up so I can hear this song? Why are you here? Did you make the beat? No, you didn't, so get out of here!
DJs love to talk over songs. Talk over "Billie Jean" as if it were missing something.
"I love Billie Jean, I just thought it needed a, "Is Franklin High in the place!" I wish I could have told Michael."
DJs used to scratch, blend, and remix songs BY HAND. Actually had turntables, and actually put music on. Grabbed a record, and placed it ON A RECORD PLAYER. Now, everything is on a computer. DJs don't have to do anything! Just put songs in a playlist and press play. Then put headphones over one ear, the other on their fitted hat, and pretend that something is being heard in either of them. What are you listening to!
"These headphones are connected to the DJ headquarters. Right now, they are saying to play an ol’ school Mase hit. Thanks, headquarters! I was about to go Usher, but I would have lost the crowd!"
DJs made sense at one point. For one, DJs did something. Also, THEY BROUGHT EQUIPMENT AND RECORDS THAT THEY PURCHASED! You have to be paid well when you have been buying records to play at parties. You are literally bringing the music! There was a point in time when you couldn't just get a song you wanted in a second. That was when DJs were needed. Who had hours worth of music that would be great for a party? Who was spending tons of money to collect music to play at parties? DJs!
Now, though? You could put an iPod in the place of a DJ. The only difference would be that the iPod wouldn't think it could sleep with every woman in the club. And ridiculous girls wouldn't think it was cool to sleep with the iPod.
"Man, that iPod is sexy. I'm gonna talk to him!"
"It's a machine, Stacey. There's nothing to sleep with."
"I don't care. I have to ride it. It plays music that I like!"
DJs have a TON of misplaced confidence. Have more confidence than Lebron would if he were also a lawyer and a racecar driver.
"I'm the man, son! I'm the best DJ in the land! Nobody plays records like me!"
...Did you hear what you just said? You're the best at pressing the play button?
"Yeah, that's what I said! Nobody presses play like DJ Play Press!"
There will come a time when DJs will be in museums.
"This, everyone, is a DJ. Also known as a Disc Jockey. DJs used to perform at shows and parties."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, a man named Steve Jobs came up with a handheld DJ that didn't even run on batteries! Some years later, DJs had him killed it’s presumed and told the world it was cancer."
It's ridiculous as well when you see a poster and it says, "Music by DJ Not Needed." Wait, wait. No, it isn't. Music isn't by this DJ, this music is by a bunch of artists! Does he own the music? Does he have a lock on everything by the Jackson 5? Nope, he just plays it.
"DJ Not Needed, we really want to listen to the Jackson 5, and not one of us knows how to work a stereo, computer or iPod!"
"You called the right person."
A DJ at a show makes sense. A DJ at a concert makes sense. A DJ at a club? Not necessary. There are a few DJs that are good. Some who make a night fun and get a crowd going. Most, though, are just ruining things. Ruining things from their pharmacist’s vantage point. Unless you are Dr. Dre, you should be on the floor with everyone else.
"Excuse, don't come up here. I'm a doctor of sound. Only I can be up this high."
"You just played LMFAO six times in a row. My diagnosis? Play something else."
DJs also make tons of money. Tons of money for PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES MUSIC. How the hell did this happen?
"We need some music for tonight's party. Will you take care of it?"
"Are you serious? I'm on chip detail and you want me to work music? What do I look like? A governor? I can't take care of all of this!"
"Look, you have to! You have a ton of records!"
"Man... alright. I'll do it... for a thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars! You're just playing music!"
"You want music tonight? Or do you just want people rubbing chips together to hear a beat?"
How can we have commercials like, "For just forty cents a day, we can feed a child," when we are throwing money at a person whose robot replacement we have already made? How are we getting rid of cashiers at grocery stores for self-checkouts, but we're keeping DJs in clubs? We have made big machines to do what someone was doing for eight dollars an hour. We have tiny little machines that will do for free what a DJ charges two thousand dollars for! This should be the easiest move in history!
"Look, man. You've been replaced."
"What? But I'm DJ Kevin Mc-Kick Ass-tiler! When I'm in the building no one goes Home Alone! Who are you gonna get to do what I do?"
"I don't know, an old Sony Discman? It's either: pay for you or send my kid to a year of school."
"You'll be sorry! You fire me, you're not getting my hype men either, The Wet Bandits!"
"Ya know, your DJ name is a clever take on 'Home Alone', their name is a blatant rip off."
"Man, I know. We were gonna use the money from your show to pay for a think tank to come up with a better name."
With the money we could save on DJs, we could get some real things done. Fix roads, build hospitals, and send kids to school to learn how to MAKE music.
"I'm on the 'actually learn to make music and not just play other peoples songs and take some kind of ridiculous credit for it' scholarship."
Until that day, though, I guess DJs will still be in clubs with their clever names. I'm waiting for the day there is truth in their job. When a DJ will call himself, DJ "You Can Do This".
"DJ Clue, Clue, Clue! I'm in the building! Shot out to DMX for this song! Get ‘em X, X, X! Shot out to my mom, my sister, the guy who sold me this hat, the airwaves, the future, the past, coconut water, water, water! Desert Storm in the building, building, building! Get ‘em X! You killing ‘em, ‘em, ‘em!"
Can you please shut up so I can hear this song? Why are you here? Did you make the beat? No, you didn't, so get out of here!
DJs love to talk over songs. Talk over "Billie Jean" as if it were missing something.
"I love Billie Jean, I just thought it needed a, "Is Franklin High in the place!" I wish I could have told Michael."
DJs used to scratch, blend, and remix songs BY HAND. Actually had turntables, and actually put music on. Grabbed a record, and placed it ON A RECORD PLAYER. Now, everything is on a computer. DJs don't have to do anything! Just put songs in a playlist and press play. Then put headphones over one ear, the other on their fitted hat, and pretend that something is being heard in either of them. What are you listening to!
"These headphones are connected to the DJ headquarters. Right now, they are saying to play an ol’ school Mase hit. Thanks, headquarters! I was about to go Usher, but I would have lost the crowd!"
DJs made sense at one point. For one, DJs did something. Also, THEY BROUGHT EQUIPMENT AND RECORDS THAT THEY PURCHASED! You have to be paid well when you have been buying records to play at parties. You are literally bringing the music! There was a point in time when you couldn't just get a song you wanted in a second. That was when DJs were needed. Who had hours worth of music that would be great for a party? Who was spending tons of money to collect music to play at parties? DJs!
Now, though? You could put an iPod in the place of a DJ. The only difference would be that the iPod wouldn't think it could sleep with every woman in the club. And ridiculous girls wouldn't think it was cool to sleep with the iPod.
"Man, that iPod is sexy. I'm gonna talk to him!"
"It's a machine, Stacey. There's nothing to sleep with."
"I don't care. I have to ride it. It plays music that I like!"
DJs have a TON of misplaced confidence. Have more confidence than Lebron would if he were also a lawyer and a racecar driver.
"I'm the man, son! I'm the best DJ in the land! Nobody plays records like me!"
...Did you hear what you just said? You're the best at pressing the play button?
"Yeah, that's what I said! Nobody presses play like DJ Play Press!"
There will come a time when DJs will be in museums.
"This, everyone, is a DJ. Also known as a Disc Jockey. DJs used to perform at shows and parties."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, a man named Steve Jobs came up with a handheld DJ that didn't even run on batteries! Some years later, DJs had him killed it’s presumed and told the world it was cancer."
It's ridiculous as well when you see a poster and it says, "Music by DJ Not Needed." Wait, wait. No, it isn't. Music isn't by this DJ, this music is by a bunch of artists! Does he own the music? Does he have a lock on everything by the Jackson 5? Nope, he just plays it.
"DJ Not Needed, we really want to listen to the Jackson 5, and not one of us knows how to work a stereo, computer or iPod!"
"You called the right person."
A DJ at a show makes sense. A DJ at a concert makes sense. A DJ at a club? Not necessary. There are a few DJs that are good. Some who make a night fun and get a crowd going. Most, though, are just ruining things. Ruining things from their pharmacist’s vantage point. Unless you are Dr. Dre, you should be on the floor with everyone else.
"Excuse, don't come up here. I'm a doctor of sound. Only I can be up this high."
"You just played LMFAO six times in a row. My diagnosis? Play something else."
DJs also make tons of money. Tons of money for PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES MUSIC. How the hell did this happen?
"We need some music for tonight's party. Will you take care of it?"
"Are you serious? I'm on chip detail and you want me to work music? What do I look like? A governor? I can't take care of all of this!"
"Look, you have to! You have a ton of records!"
"Man... alright. I'll do it... for a thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars! You're just playing music!"
"You want music tonight? Or do you just want people rubbing chips together to hear a beat?"
How can we have commercials like, "For just forty cents a day, we can feed a child," when we are throwing money at a person whose robot replacement we have already made? How are we getting rid of cashiers at grocery stores for self-checkouts, but we're keeping DJs in clubs? We have made big machines to do what someone was doing for eight dollars an hour. We have tiny little machines that will do for free what a DJ charges two thousand dollars for! This should be the easiest move in history!
"Look, man. You've been replaced."
"What? But I'm DJ Kevin Mc-Kick Ass-tiler! When I'm in the building no one goes Home Alone! Who are you gonna get to do what I do?"
"I don't know, an old Sony Discman? It's either: pay for you or send my kid to a year of school."
"You'll be sorry! You fire me, you're not getting my hype men either, The Wet Bandits!"
"Ya know, your DJ name is a clever take on 'Home Alone', their name is a blatant rip off."
"Man, I know. We were gonna use the money from your show to pay for a think tank to come up with a better name."
With the money we could save on DJs, we could get some real things done. Fix roads, build hospitals, and send kids to school to learn how to MAKE music.
"I'm on the 'actually learn to make music and not just play other peoples songs and take some kind of ridiculous credit for it' scholarship."
Until that day, though, I guess DJs will still be in clubs with their clever names. I'm waiting for the day there is truth in their job. When a DJ will call himself, DJ "You Can Do This".
Rap made me write this.
Rap music has made me dance, throw things when I've been drunk, and has motivated me to keep working when I didn't want to. I suppose it didn't make me throw things, but you get drunk, listen to DMX's "Party Up", and try not to throw something. You'll throw your mom if she's close.
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"
Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.
Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?
"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"
Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.
Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.
All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"
Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.
Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!
There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.
I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!
I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay?
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"
Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.
Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?
Rappers seem to have a problem with their audience. Why are rappers yelling at us about the things they have that we don't? Do you even want me to listen to these songs, rappers? Should I have not have bought this?
"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"
Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.
"I'm on pills! I'm on pills! Time to chill, I'm on pills!"
"Let's drink, let's drink! Whatchu think? I think it's time to drink!"
"Where'd she go, man? I loved her fam! She was the best girl, I took her around the world. Now we aren't together, and I've been crying in the studio since September. Please God, WHHHYYY?!"
Every rapper has the same answer to the question, "Who do you want to work with?"
"Who do I want to work with? That's easy. Tupac, man. Pac. Because he's the greatest, and I'm the greatest, and we would make a great collab."
Why do you want to be on a song with Tupac? Do you have dreams of being the worst part of a song? Is that what it is? You just have a need to be embarrassed on a song? Tupac rapped about social struggle, you're gonna rap about Gucci bandanas for three and a half minutes. These two things do not need to come together. That's the same as if Snooki said she really wanted to speak publicly with Martin Luther King, Jr. Doesn't need to be!
"Well, he said, "I have a dream", and I said, "If you're not a guido, get the fuck out of my face!"
Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.
All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"
Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.
"This beat..................is hot......................write something down........................I think not."
Where did you go?! Are you counting money between verses?! Taking some bitches out of the oven!? Trying to figure out your rapper noise?! Finish the song before you take huge breaks!
Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!
"Naw, I don't write nothing down. Pen? I don't know what you're talking about. Paper? I spend it, I don't write on it! I just get in the studio and flow."
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"
Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.
Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"
I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"
Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"
Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.
Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"
I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"
Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?
"What do you want to have in this video?"
"I was thinking cars, watches, girls, money, girls on money, cars on girls on money, a watch so big it can wear a girl as a watch, car full of money that runs on money. That kinda thing."
"...Um, I don't mean to mess with your groove, but have you seen this video? Or this one?"
"What is he doing?! That's my video! He stole my idea! Okay, okay. Let's relax for a minute. What's another idea I have? OH! How about driving a motorbike with a hundred of my "friends" through my hood?!"
"Oh, boy. I hate to be the one to show you this..."
"My God! How did these other rappers get into my thoughts?! Damn you, psychic rappers! DAMN YOU!"
When rappers aren't talking about watches, they are giving us dance moves to do for a week. I suppose that's what happens, though, when you don't write.
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"?
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"?
So many rappers now want to be Celine Dion. Why is everyone singing? We all owe Ja Rule an apology. He sang, and we all hated him for it. Years later, Drake sings, "Look, this is the greatest thing in world!" Listen, I'm not saying Ja Rule could sing, but you can't convince me that Drake is amazing at it either. Maybe if Ja Rule had called himself "Jizzy Rizzy Rule" we'd all still be screaming Holla Holla.
One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"
One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"
There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.
I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!
I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay?
Insurance. Not really.
Insurance is something that everyone will have to deal with at some point. It sounds reassuring. Makes you think of safety, protection, maybe even a favorite blanket and a warm cup of cocoa. A favorite blanket won't try to choke you one day, though, and that cup of cocoa won't suddenly turn back to milk when you really need it. Insurance, however, may not be there when you need it.
Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"
It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"
Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance. Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."
Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.
Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"
"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."
Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."
A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."
The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!
Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.
You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.
"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!
An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."
If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"
Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."
ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.
Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"
It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"
Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance. Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."
Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.
"Well, they go faster. Therefore, they are more dangerous."
Yeah, but I still have to drive the speed limit! Doesn't matter if you're driving a Lamborghini, in the city you'll be driving the same speed as a Plymouth Windstar.
"Nice car! Does it have extra large cup holders like mine? I can fit a double big gulp in this thing! No room for kids in that thing huh? Man, are you lucky!"
Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"
"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."
Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."
A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."
The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!
"How come?"
"Well, we're protecting you. What if you get into an accident? Whose gonna pay for it?"
"Do you care if I do get into an accident?"
"No, but what if we did?"
Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.
You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.
"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!
An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."
If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"
Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."
ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.
"What do you do?"
"I rob people in the street."
"Oh, that must be cold. I rob people from an office. Much more comfortable."
"Ya know, I've been meaning to get an office? Thing is, tourists don't come through offices too much."
"...They do if you're selling... travel insurance, son!"
"Oh man! You just opened up my world of thievery!"
They high five over a kid on a spit roast.
Travel Insurance
What a farce. "If you lose your bag, we will pay for it to be replaced." Sounds great! Until you try to collect on it.
"Can you tell us how much the contents of the bag were worth?"
"Yes, with cameras, clothes, and other electronics, about $1400."
"Okay, sir. We can give you $300."
"What?! But I said $1400!"
"Yes, you did, sir. And I said $300. Also, it will be sent in the form of coupons to Red Lobster's kids' menu. Thanks for purchasing travel insurance."
How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.
How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.
"If you give me 1000 dollars, I may give you a tv."
"Umm, that doesn't sound like a good deal."
"What if it's a great tv?"
"....You're right, let's give it a shot!"
"Thanks! Damn, no tv in the box. What if there was, though? Want to give me a thousand dollars a month and maybe one day there will be a tv in it?"
"Do I!"
Health Insurance
What's hilarious about health insurance is, if you need it, you ain't getting it.
"My arm is about to fall off! I really need health insurance."
"Yes, we can see you really need our help, and that is unfortunately why we cannot help you. We only give insurance to healthy, fit people with no history of illness."
"But those people don't need it!"
"Sir, please, calm down and stop flailing. Your arm is about to fall off."
They won't give it to you because they don't want to pay! How have we let these people do this!
When people revolt and go into an insurance company and burn it down, we can all call it an act of god.