Christmas music. There is no need.

There was a point in time when Christmas music would only play in December. You know – the month that Christmas is in? Then came the time when companies thought, "Hey, we can get a jump on this and start playing Christmas music the last week of November." Fine, but now? Christmas music starts playing the first week of November! First week! Of the MONTH BEFORE! Will this trend keep going?

"Wow, I can't believe August is over already. September 1st! Well, time for the Christmas music."

"What? It's not even fall yet!"

"What – you don't like Christmas music? Wow, why don't you just punch Santa and kick kids!"

People come in to stores and think, "Oh, Christmas music! I love it!" But do you ever take a second to think about the people who work in that store? Sure, to come in for ten minutes is nice. But to work there for eight hours a day, four or five days a week? You'll want to blow your eggnog off! When I was working at Starbucks, we would get the Christmas CD on November 1st! 1st! And it had to be played! The CEO, Howard Schultz, must have thought that was hilarious.

"Make them listen to the Christmas music everyday."

"But, sir! There are only twelve Christmas songs! They'll go insane!"

"I know! Isn't it hilarious? Not only do they have to deal with anal people who want a drink at a certain temperature, but to do that while listening to "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"? Oh, man. One day, when you own people, you'll understand. Now get out! I have to kick this homeless guy for an hour."

That's the hilarious twist to Christmas music. It’s the same twelve songs over and over and over again. No new songs! Never! Even when they say,

"Some new Christmas music for all you Christmas lovers out there! Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – by Pink!"

An artist can't just sing a song they haven't sung before and have it be called a 'new' song. IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG! Why do we want every artist to sing Christmas songs? WHY?! How did we let this happen? There's no other genre of music that we would accept this with.

"God, I love John Denver, but have you heard Lil Wayne’s version of ‘Thank God I'm a Country Boy’? Huge. Or John Denvers version of A Milli?! Amazing."

Also, Christmas music is so old! It's the equivalent of listening to music made in the 14th century.

"Oh, what's that? The lute?! Turn that up, sire!"

Some new Christmas music has come out over the years. Justin Bieber has a new Christmas album out. WITH THE SAME TWELVE SONGS AND A COUPLE OF NEW ONES! I don't think any new Christmas song, though, can be sung by a white guy saying "shawty". Nope. Can't happen. Frank Sinatra didn't sing "I Saw That Dame Kissing Santa Claus" or "That Old Chick got run over by a Reindeer."

I honestly am not a fan of anyone who truly likes Christmas music. I like Christmas, but the music? You know the people. The people who will play Christmas music in their car. Christmas music while driving!

"Alright, we have a five hour trip, and I brought Christmas music sung by various artists! It's going to be so festive!"

"Oh, nice! To make it really festive, I hope we crash into a pine tree!"

"Oh, that would be the best! We would be like presents for the ambulance drivers! Yaaaa!"

Christmas is shoved in your face. Heaven forbid you have a bad day in the Christmas season, because some over-involved soccer mom who’s trying to fill up the time so her past pain doesn't catch up to her, will say, "Oh, what's wrong? Come on! Get in the Christmas spirit for Pete's Sake!"
Is there any Christmas spirit left? I thought you may have used all of it to decorate your Crocs.

Most families don't talk all year, and then are supposed to come together on one magical day of the year and have the best time of their lives? I'm sure that for at least fifty percent people, that is not a reality. What happens is – people show up and yell about unresolved problems.

"I'm so happy everyone could make it here for Christmas! Chris, would you like to say grace?"

"Grace? We're not even eating at a table, and it's just you and me here!"

"Chris, now is not the time."

"It's never the time! Where the hell was dad? Why did you never hug me as a kid!? I'm twenty eight and can't love! Get this turkey out of my face!"

Christmas commercials are the worst things on the planet. Only full families and houses are represented. Are these the only people who celebrate Christmas? Gorgeous families with gorgeous dogs, gorgeous Christmas trees, gorgeous presents under these trees, a gorgeous spread of food on gorgeous tables, two gorgeous parents, and the ugliest sweaters ever made? Christmas commercials show boats, big houses, dogs who have jackets and engraved food dishes, and beautiful families. You know, really disgusting things. Sentences said between father and son like,

"Son, do you mind bringing me my slippers?"

"Which ones, dad? The Mario Andretti Ferrari ones or the Yankees Commemorative World Series ones?"

"Now son, does it really matter?"

"...Hahahahah... oh, my. We are really in love and live good lives."

I grew up in an apartment. My life is NOT represented at Christmas time on TV. Except when there is a movie about a cop who has lost everything. His partner was hit by a stray Tomahawk missile, and his wife was blown up by a car bomb that was meant for him. He's alone on Christmas, in an apartment, holding a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, trying to figure out which one to put in his mouth. What I grew up in is only used at Christmas time to show someone at their lowest!

"Merry Christmas, whiskey. Merry Christmas, Glock .45. Which one of you will follow me under the mistletoe?"

I used to be upset that my life wasn't the same as what is shown on TV at Christmas time, but then I realized that the people who live the way TV shows usually end up in the paper. With a quote from a neighbor , "He was just a nice guy. I can't believe he choked an entire swim team to death with a Christmas reef while singing 'Silent Night'. Wow. Just a nice guy."