3D technology. Really?
3D is supposed to be the best thing ever. It's supposed to be the way that we have always wanted to watch movies. The way that it was meant to be. Sure, if the world was 2D, it wouldn't be a great place. But a movie shown in 2D, is shown in a 3D world! We don't need it.
3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"
The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."
All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."
They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."
Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."
3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.
3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.
3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."
All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"
Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."
3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"
The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."
All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."
They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."
Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."
3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.
3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.
"Look guys, I have a 3D phone! Isn't this cool?"
"Look man, I'm on the way to my second job for a double, and I still can't afford one of those. Shut it down, or my fist will be 3D in your eye."
"Really?! Wow. You have the new 3D gloves huh?"
3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."
All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"
Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."
Am I traveling or on a timeout?
Flying has got to be one of the top five greatest things that humans are able do. To actually sit in a piece of metal and go 30,000 feet in the air and be able to get to another part of your own country, let alone a completely different one, in a matter of hours? Incredible. So, why is it not a celebration on a plane? Why is everything so cold and robotic?
When you walk on, the flight attendant and Captain should be there to say, "Can you believe that we're actually going to fly?!”
“I know! In the air!”
“We'll be in Vegas in four hours! Two weeks on the stupid train!"
Then they high five you and pop a bottle of champagne.
"My god I love the Wright Brothers. Wooooooo!"
Alas, that is not what happens. A flight attendant is standing at the door to greet you, but only to check your boarding pass the exact way a flight attendant did at the top of the ramp! Does the flight attendant at the top of the ramp mess up so much that they had to get a stewardess on the plane to double check?
"Can I see your boarding pass, sir?...This is a box of Raisin Bran. My God, Cheryl is slipping up there today. Cheryl! This is cereal! Jesus, whose cousin is she?"
Why do the airlines have to talk as if we are in the Oval Office listening to scientists? Even then there might be a "Yo, bro, you wanna give me a second to explain what's in this beaker?"
The language on a plane couldn't be any colder if it was written by Tipper Gore, and edited by a corpse.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to extend our hands in gratitude to you for flying with us. We would ask that you please place your leather body holder in the full and upright locked position, and keep your vision sensors forward as we prepare to ascend into the atmosphere."
Nobody in the real world talks like this! If their are people that do, they should not be allowed on planes, they should be investigated for the murders taking place in their towns. WE ARE FLYING! This should be a celebration!
"Yo guys, it's about to happen! You know when you get on a roller coaster and it goes to the top of the track? Well this plane is gonna do that, but keep going up! INTO THE SKY! And we have alcohol! Can you get a beer on a coaster? Don't think so!"
I just don't understand why it all HAS to be so uncomfortable. I understand you want to make money planes, but the people who paid to be here should be able to unclench their fists without hitting the seat in front of the. You lean back, you crush the top of someone’s laptop who was watching 'Good Burger' to try to shut their mind off and not deal with this tuna can simulator.
Why do the seats need to be straight up for take off? Is there any actual reason for this, other than, "Sir, you were looking kind of comfortable and as if you were about to fall asleep, we just can't have that here. Put your seat straight up, and prick yourself with this needle so you have a disgruntled look on your face".
"Aghgh, god that hurt."
"There you are, sir. Thank you."
The craziest thing to me is that if you have headphones that are anything but earbud headphones, you have to take them off for take-off and landing. What? Why! Well, I asked one day. Do you know why? DO YOU? It's so that if the plane flips upside down during take off, and you fall out of your seat, you won't hang yourself... THAT'S THE REASON I WAS TOLD! Told me as well as if it was law. As if nothing else could possible make more sense than this.
"Oh, it's because if the plane flips over, you don't hang yourself. That's a fact. Nothing is more factual than that. We've done tests, and even needing air to breathe is not as much a fact as hanging yourself with headphones. Seriously. Studies have shown that we might not even need air. Apparently we could be getting our oxygen from the sun. I know, I couldn't believe it either! I do however believe that you will choke yourself if we flip upside down. Headphones off, please."
First of all, it could possibly be the stupidest thing that has ever been said to me, and someone said to me once "You should come to this club man. The girls there, they have hungry eyes".
Second, "if we flip upside down", how often does this happen? That should be looked at and not my headphones.
"We have been flipping a lot of these planes upside down on take offs and landing. We should really look into it."
"What? That's part of the plane’s charm! Might flip this way, that way. It's a ride! We're not looking into that. Just tell people people to brace themselves."
Third, if I want to wear my headphones and the consequence could be hanging myself, let me make that decision myself, all right? I think that's fair. I paid to be here. If the plane flips over, while everyone else is screaming, I want to be choking while Ice Cube blares in my ears.
Being on a plane now is like being in Homeroom.
"Um, stop doing this, stop doing that. Oh, here comes an announcement."
"Kids, I am an ominous voice that sounds as if I'm in a cave. We are experiencing some turbulence, so please keep your safety buckle fastened. Also, remember, Mr. Bleaker’s math class is cancelled today, and oatmeal chocolate chip muffins are just a dollar today in the café. Thanks for flying with High Jet School Airlines."
I'm assuming they are going to keep the terrible safety demonstration on the plane, but can we just get rid of the seat belt part of the safety demonstration? We all know how to buckle a seat belt by now. If you don't, doesn't even matter. A seat belt may help in a car crash, but a plane crash? No way. Never a story that goes, "A plane crashed today, and there were hundreds of survivors, except for one idiot who didn't have on his seat belt. Didn't he know that seat belts stop all bad things from happening? If you were wearing a seat belt while a tiger attacked you, the tiger would politely apologize and lie down in front of you making himself into a foot stool."
Nope, just, "Yeah, a plane crashed today. Survivors? You serious? It's 30,000 feet in the air! Some people die from falling from 10. Seat belts?! Jesus. I'm assuming once the plane made impact those seat belts turned into somewhat of a fire whip that lashed at everyone. Much like Ghost Riders chain. "
One airline was making things fun. Making jokes, having a good time. WestJet told jokes constantly. Then what happened? A flight attendant made a joke about a place they landed, something like "Nobody wants to be here", and people from the town complained! COMPLAINED! The mayor complained about it! This town really must be something if the mayor has time to answer cheap shots from a flight attendant.
"Sir, sorry to bother you from doing your mayoral duties, but someone called our town a Doodie head factory."
"What?! My God. I had a lot of mayoral things to do, but this is now on the top of the list! Roads and schools will have to play second banana today. Doodie head factory. Jesus Christ, my kids live here! They'll have as little fun as I do when I'm done with them!"
So, because of that, now WestJet does not make jokes, and is as un-fun as every other airline. Good going people who can't laugh at themselves. Now on every flight we can all have our seriousness in a full and upright locked position.
Remakes of movies... this needs to end.
Remakes: most are not very good. There are some exceptions. "Cape Fear" with DeNiro is great, as is John Carpenter's "The Thing." "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Absolutely not. Nope. Not at all. Have you seen the original? It's fantastic! Still! It's complete magic! Watch it right now if you are ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest. You're not ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest? Then Johnny Depp and Tim Burton can give you a hand.
Some of these remakes come out of left field, too. "Arthur?" "Arthur!" Who was screaming for a remake of "Arthur?" I have seen the original a bunch of times -- I really liked it as a kid. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" by Christopher Cross is a song I love. Even as a fan of the original, I saw the trailer for the remake, and was so enraged I could have punched Christopher Cross in the face. "When you get caught between the moon and New York City, you dodge a punch, Chris."
They are remaking "Short Circuit!" Stop this! That movie is fine! Steve Guttenberg! GUTTENBERG! Don't take this away from The Gut. They already remade "Haunted Mansion" with Eddie Murphy, basically burying his version. If they remake "Three Men and a Baby" or the "Police Academy" movies, Steve Guttenberg might has well have never existed at all.
When people dig up the remains of this civilization, they'll see we really just ran out of ideas at some point.
When Blockbuster ran out of ideas, they shut down. If Barack Obama runs out of ideas of what to do with the free world, he loses it. If 5-10 remakes a year is what you're gonna do, it might be time to shut down Hollywood, and change the sign to "Been-done-before." Or, just remake the Hollywood sign, with purple letters instead of white, totally out of Tupperware. Keep your track record the same.I just don't understand why remakes are done. I would get it if aliens came down and took all of the copies of a movie.
"Guys! We have to remake 'Total Recall', because an army of aliens came down and took all copies of the original."
"No way! Okay, with Arnold?"
"Nope, Colin Farrell."
"God, I hope that production team is attacked by an army of aliens."
Also, when Arnold is in a movie, that movie is done and it's as good as it's gonna get! That movie does not need to get made again. You see Commando? Who else could say those lines? Nobody. NOBODY.
The only Arnold movie that could maybe (and that is a maybe) be up for remake would be "Junior." If they wanted to remake "Junior" starring UFC's Brock Lesnar, I wouldn't watch it, but I could understand.
This summer:
"Brock, you are pregnant."
"But I have a fight this weekend!"
"You have to cancel it, or your baby could suffer brain damage."
"But I have a fight this weekend!"
"You have to cancel it, or your baby could suffer brain damage."
Will Brock make sure his baby can walk around town, or put his opponent in the ground and pound?
"I may be pregnant, but you can't mess with this!" Brock Lesnar in "Junior."
They are remaking "Short Circuit!" Stop this! That movie is fine! Steve Guttenberg! GUTTENBERG! Don't take this away from The Gut. They already remade "Haunted Mansion" with Eddie Murphy, basically burying his version. If they remake "Three Men and a Baby" or the "Police Academy" movies, Steve Guttenberg might has well have never existed at all.
I understand a remake if the director and cast weren't happy with the original.
"Guys, remember that scene where you can see my hands while I hold that kid up who is supposed to be falling? My bad, let's try it again."
Or if the movie flopped.
"Listen, we know you guys hated 'Blues Brothers 2000', but we really think we had something there. You know, Blues, Brothers, the year 2000. Just give us another shot!"
Are there actually people who love a movie so much that instead of just watching it again, they want it MADE again?
"I love this movie! I hope they keep putting it out every ten years!"
"But you own it on Blu-Ray and DVD."
"Yeah, but I don't have it written by a guy who used to work at Starbucks and directed by the guy who managed that Starbucks. This time the villain will be played by a cookie. I'm excited!"
"Yeah, but I don't have it written by a guy who used to work at Starbucks and directed by the guy who managed that Starbucks. This time the villain will be played by a cookie. I'm excited!"
I could maybe see terrible movies getting remade, but "Footloose?" Jesus, people love that movie! Why not remake "Transformers 3", or the whole franchise? And this time remake the writers' positions as well.
"Well, judging by the writing of the others, this time you guys will sweep the set. Yes, you can use your pencils if you want, just don't write anything!"
Who wants to see a movie they love get made with a different cast?
"I love Terminator 2, but I wonder what it would have been like if Andy Rooney was T-1000? And if Mike Wallace starred as the Terminator. Yeah, that's what I want. Terminator 2: 60 minutes day."
Nobody really likes these movies, either. Why do people go?! The most you get from someone who sees them is, "It was all right." That's the best!
"Not as good as the original." Of course it wasn't!
"Well I hadn't seen the movie with Katie Couric before." There's a reason for that!
They should make no money. None! At all.
"And this week at the box office, the remake of Jurassic Park made zero dollars, as audiences say, 'We saw this movie 18 years ago.'" Steven Spielberg was flabbergasted. "I'm actually shocked. I didn't think they would remember. I know it was everywhere. Toys, clothes, books, pencils, video games, cups, everywhere, but that was almost 20 years ago! Man, these audiences are good."
I could see movies from the '20s, '30s, '40, and '50s getting remade for a new generation, but the '90s? The '90s! What the hell are we doing?! That just happened.
"Alright guys, that's a rap! Nice, let's reset to film he remake. I know this one hasn't been in theatre yet, but we're saving time. This time, you direct it, and I'll star in it. Don't argue with me, as long as I'm in this chair I'm still the director!"
Why just stop at remaking movies? Why not crucial events in history? Why not remake the moon landing and this time send Bieber up there?
"That's one small step for never, one giant leap for never saying never."
Then people could argue about which one was better.
"Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. I don't know though, it didn't have enough dancing for my liking."
Why just stop at remaking movies? Why not crucial events in history? Why not remake the moon landing and this time send Bieber up there?
"That's one small step for never, one giant leap for never saying never."
Then people could argue about which one was better.
"Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. I don't know though, it didn't have enough dancing for my liking."
"Wow, they must have been bored. They made 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' five times. Personally, I like the one with Willie Nelson the best. He played a great Greek guy."
People say that a remake will make people want to find out about the original. Will it? When the Playstation 4 comes out, will people go, "Man, I love this system. I wonder where systems started? I'm gonna go buy an Atari!" Absolutely not. They'll say, "Yeah, the Playstation 4! Every system that came before this is garbage. Get that PS3 shit outta my face!"