Nathan Macintosh

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Remakes of movies... this needs to end.

Remakes: most are not very good. There are some exceptions. "Cape Fear" with DeNiro is great, as is John Carpenter's "The Thing." "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Absolutely not. Nope. Not at all. Have you seen the original? It's fantastic! Still! It's complete magic! Watch it right now if you are ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest. You're not ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest? Then Johnny Depp and Tim Burton can give you a hand.

I just don't understand why remakes are done. I would get it if aliens came down and took all of the copies of a movie.
"Guys! We have to remake 'Total Recall', because an army of aliens came down and took all copies of the original."
"No way! Okay, with Arnold?"
"Nope, Colin Farrell."
"God, I hope that production team is attacked by an army of aliens."
Also, when Arnold is in a movie, that movie is done and it's as good as it's gonna get! That movie does not need to get made again. You see Commando? Who else could say those lines? Nobody. NOBODY.
The only Arnold movie that could maybe (and that is a maybe) be up for remake would be "Junior." If they wanted to remake "Junior" starring UFC's Brock Lesnar, I wouldn't watch it, but I could understand.

This summer:
"Brock, you are pregnant."
"But I have a fight this weekend!"
"You have to cancel it, or your baby could suffer brain damage."
Will Brock make sure his baby can walk around town, or put his opponent in the ground and pound?
"I may be pregnant, but you can't mess with this!" Brock Lesnar in "Junior."

Some of these remakes come out of left field, too. "Arthur?" "Arthur!" Who was screaming for a remake of "Arthur?" I have seen the original a bunch of times -- I really liked it as a kid. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" by Christopher Cross is a song I love. Even as a fan of the original, I saw the trailer for the remake, and was so enraged I could have punched Christopher Cross in the face. "When you get caught between the moon and New York City, you dodge a punch, Chris."

They are remaking "Short Circuit!" Stop this! That movie is fine! Steve Guttenberg! GUTTENBERG! Don't take this away from The Gut. They already remade "Haunted Mansion" with Eddie Murphy, basically burying his version. If they remake "Three Men and a Baby" or the "Police Academy" movies, Steve Guttenberg might has well have never existed at all.
I understand a remake if the director and cast weren't happy with the original.
"Guys, remember that scene where you can see my hands while I hold that kid up who is supposed to be falling? My bad, let's try it again."
Or if the movie flopped.
"Listen, we know you guys hated 'Blues Brothers 2000', but we really think we had something there. You know, Blues, Brothers, the year 2000. Just give us another shot!"

Are there actually people who love a movie so much that instead of just watching it again, they want it MADE again?
"I love this movie! I hope they keep putting it out every ten years!"
"But you own it on Blu-Ray and DVD."
"Yeah, but I don't have it written by a guy who used to work at Starbucks and directed by the guy who managed that Starbucks. This time the villain will be played by a cookie. I'm excited!"

I could maybe see terrible movies getting remade, but "Footloose?" Jesus, people love that movie! Why not remake "Transformers 3", or the whole franchise? And this time remake the writers' positions as well.
"Well, judging by the writing of the others, this time you guys will sweep the set. Yes, you can use your pencils if you want, just don't write anything!"
Who wants to see a movie they love get made with a different cast?
"I love Terminator 2, but I wonder what it would have been like if Andy Rooney was T-1000? And if Mike Wallace starred as the Terminator. Yeah, that's what I want. Terminator 2: 60 minutes day."
Nobody really likes these movies, either. Why do people go?! The most you get from someone who sees them is, "It was all right." That's the best!
"Not as good as the original." Of course it wasn't!
"Well I hadn't seen the movie with Katie Couric before." There's a reason for that!
They should make no money. None! At all.
"And this week at the box office, the remake of Jurassic Park made zero dollars, as audiences say, 'We saw this movie 18 years ago.'" Steven Spielberg was flabbergasted. "I'm actually shocked. I didn't think they would remember. I know it was everywhere. Toys, clothes, books, pencils, video games, cups, everywhere, but that was almost 20 years ago! Man, these audiences are good."

I could see movies from the '20s, '30s, '40, and '50s getting remade for a new generation, but the '90s? The '90s! What the hell are we doing?! That just happened.
"Alright guys, that's a rap! Nice, let's reset to film he remake. I know this one hasn't been in theatre yet, but we're saving time. This time, you direct it, and I'll star in it. Don't argue with me, as long as I'm in this chair I'm still the director!"


Why just stop at remaking movies? Why not crucial events in history? Why not remake the moon landing and this time send Bieber up there?
"That's one small step for never, one giant leap for never saying never."


Then people could argue about which one was better.


"Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. I don't know though, it didn't have enough dancing for my liking."

When people dig up the remains of this civilization, they'll see we really just ran out of ideas at some point.
"Wow, they must have been bored. They made 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' five times. Personally, I like the one with Willie Nelson the best. He played a great Greek guy."
People say that a remake will make people want to find out about the original. Will it? When the Playstation 4 comes out, will people go, "Man, I love this system. I wonder where systems started? I'm gonna go buy an Atari!" Absolutely not. They'll say, "Yeah, the Playstation 4! Every system that came before this is garbage. Get that PS3 shit outta my face!"
When Blockbuster ran out of ideas, they shut down. If Barack Obama runs out of ideas of what to do with the free world, he loses it. If 5-10 remakes a year is what you're gonna do, it might be time to shut down Hollywood, and change the sign to "Been-done-before." Or, just remake the Hollywood sign, with purple letters instead of white, totally out of Tupperware. Keep your track record the same.
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