Romantic Comedies. My god.
I am not a fan of romantic comedies. Of course, there are some I have seen and enjoyed. “Annie Hall” is obviously fantastic. One time I watched “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and I enjoyed it. It might have been because I watched it with a girl I had a crush on. Word of advice: if a girl invites you over to watch “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”, she wants to lose you when the movie is over.
First, the ways that the main characters meet are just too quaint.
"You'll never believe what happened! I was doing my job as a dog walker in the park, and a man ran into me while HE was walking dogs! Turns out, one of the dogs I was walking was his mom’s, and one of the dogs he was walking belongs to my boss who happens to be my ex-husband who played basketball with the guy who hit me in college! Isn't the world a crazy small place? So he's going to come over to dinner at my house to make up for killing the dogs I was walking, and to challenge my boss/ex-husband to a game of one-on-one for my heart!"
Then the first date is something you would have to save up to do with your wife of 10 years, but the main character here is a real man. He picks her up in his Maserati because the Lambo is in the shop, and takes her to a Lakers game, court side. Kobe Bryant falls on their lap and they get caught on the Titantron. The crowd starts to cheer.
"Yayyyy! Beautiful people on the screen with sexual tension! Wooooo!"
They hear the chants, look at each other as if they will kiss, but then Kobe comes over to apologize and ruins the moment.
This all happens on the first date. First date! What could date two possibly consist of?
"I didn't want to tell you on the first date because I didn't want you to think less of me, but my father actually owns NASA. Have you ever had a candlelit dinner on a space shuttle? Your past boyfriends couldn't offer you that, huh? Wow, what losers. So I'll pick you up at 8? Just joking. My driver will do that."
He invites her over. She spends all day buying a brand new dress because she's a “down-to-earth” girl who wears jeans. The driver comes to get her, and she's so “down-to-earth” that she says she can get her own door. Since she's “down-to-earth”, she gets caught in the door because she doesn't understand that a dress has more material in it than jeans. Instead of opening the door, she pulls on it and tears the dress in half! She spends the rest of the ride saying to the driver "Oh yeah, everything is okay,” while she's changing in the back. There's a cute scene where the driver catches her shirtless in the rear view and a hilarious line about her character. He thinks he's picked up a hooker.
"Oh dear, who am I driving for? Charlie Sheen?"
Luckily she's resourceful, and uses a piece of gum and a hairpin to fashion the dress into a newer, skimpier one. Where before she looked nice, now she looks “sexy.”
They should be able to have a nice dinner after her harrowing ordeal, but no! The spaghetti blows up! The wine bottle explodes! His dog attacks her! The pipes in the wall burst with all the sexual tension in the room and everyone gets drenched! He tells her to take a shower to wash the tomato sauce out of her soul. He walks in by “accident” to find the phone book, and boom. Magic!
Just when it seems they will be together forever, there's always a crucial point where there is a misunderstanding that seems to have destroyed the amazing two-date foundation they have made. Maybe they go to the theatre, and the main beautiful man says "Here's a handful of money. I would give you my Visa, but I lost it last week scuba diving off the coast of Greece. Why not go grab popcorn and I'll get the tickets?" The main woman walks up to the concessions counter, and the man working behind the counter just happens to be a kid from a day camp where the main woman volunteers. She is an amazing “down-to-earth” person, so they share a laugh about the time she saved the entire camp from being bulldozed to make way for a Nuclear Power Plant/Puppy Killing factory. The main guy sees this and assumes they were flirting.
"This is what you do, huh? I give you at least 200 dollars to buy popcorn, and you try to ride a 17-year-old in public?! Why don't you just blow him?!"
"How could you say that? And you know I wanted to buy Milk Duds."
"Argghrhghgh! This isn't gonna work!"
The main woman has a scene where she talks to her friend at work, who is always a bigger girl with more attitude than all of the comedians on Def Jam.
"Don't you let him talk to you like that, girl! You be telling him that if he don't appreciate you for you, he won't get to walk into your bakery and order a dozen sex cookies. That's what I'm saying! All right, I was only here to talk like this for a minute and hopefully get a laugh. Gotta go g-friend money girl lady!"
The man sits in his car on the edge of a bluff. He looks down at his hands, and thinks about his entire life. He realizes that after three dates, he has found his wife, and that nothing else in his life matters. He gets out of the car, leaves the door open, and starts to run in the rain. He runs to her job and finds her attitude friend.
"Is Celeste here?"
"Who be axin ‘bout ol’ C-Diddy?"
"... Her future husband."
"We'll see what she got to say ‘bout dat!"
Celeste comes out, and they have a moment. He tells her everything is useless without her, and how sorry he is that he accused her of trying to sleep with a popcorn salesman. He has a three-minute speech about how she is everything he has been searching for. Celeste’s entire office listens. Everyone cries. They kiss. And just then, her ex-husband comes back for her!
"Celeste! I need you back! Who’s this?"
"Her new husband, Charlie! Remember me? College ball?"
"I remember. You could never handle me in one-on-one."
"Let's see about that."
The main character dunks over Celeste’s ex-husband, Charlie. Charlie starts to cry. Kobe comes in and says, "Now that's a dunk!"
Celeste and the main man embrace, and the office cheers. The End. Now we can all go find this fantasy. I hope the bigger girl with attitude I have to deal with doesn't have a gun.
The names for these atrocities are ridiculous also:
"Love Be Nuts"
"Don't Take My Heart On The Train"
"Who’s The Groom?"
"Maid Of Love"
"Who Told Tou?"
"Don't Be That"
"Jesus Christ, I Have Butterflies"
"Did You Order Nachos?"
"Did you order Nachos 2: Hold The Engagement"
"Babbling Brooke” (That one’s about a girl names Brooke who can't stop talking but also lives beside a babbling brook! Just enchanting.)
"Up, Down, Sideways"
"Love Like A Tree"
"Your Mom Said"
"10 Minutes In Tulsa"
"Who Broke My Eggs?"
"Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Love? Aisle 3."
"Cave diving: Sometimes Love Is In Centre Earth"
Or they get right to some point:
"He Just Thinks You’re Fat"
"Maybe If You Could Give A Blowjob"
"She Finds You Creepy And Awkward"
"Look... Leave Me Alone"
"You Still Here?"
"You Were A One-Night Stand. Take Your Toothbrush Out Of My Bathroom"
If the world worked like most of these movies perpetuate, it would be a gross place where beautiful men would drive gorgeous cars and only date fit, well-educated girls whose make-up and hair are always perfect even if they just went through the spin cycle on a dryer, and love to have a good time and laugh... I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.
Ads that tell me to "Personalize" things. "Find your frappucino". What's your iphone look like?
All right, this really bothers me: ads telling you that everything is "yours" or that you can make it "your own.” It really hurts my chest. You know, things like Cheez Whiz. “What will YOU do with it?" ...Put....it...on...toast? With all this trash, now you can't even talk to someone with the same computer as you.
"Hey, we have the same computer!"
"No we don't. This is the Steve Johnson. I personalized it. God. Yours is blue. Mine has diamonds on it. Get a grip."
"It's the same computer, though."
"No, mine is a Steve Johnson!"
Personal ads for really mundane things. Starbucks has an ad called "Find your Frappucino." Jesus Christ. You find my Frappucino, you work here! That's ridiculous, "Find your Frappucino."
"Can I have a Mocha Frappucino without whipped cream?"
"Um, actually, that's my Frappucino. Found it yesterday. Find your own".
Why does everything have to be YOURS? Where does this stop by companies?
"Come to the movies, and sit in YOUR own theatre. Why be around 300 other dirtbags? Get that extra legroom you've been after. And rewind the movie wherever you want. Why miss something because you HAD to check your iPhone? Empire: YOUR theatre, YOUR rules.”
"Tired of your cell phone provider having other clients to deal with? We hear you. Call us, and we will open a cell phone company specifically for you! Your own CEO, your own call center with operators standing by to take your calls only, where you can name your company whatever you want, and we will make a phone just for you! You’ve always hated the number 9 button? Of course you have! You're you! Be you, with your own cell phone company.”
I also get personally offended when ads talk to us. When they try to tell you how you are to get you to buy their product.
"We know you. You don't think we do? Yeah, we do. You like to walk, right? Watch movies? Sometimes you even like to get freaky? Scary, huh? Told you we know you. That's why we know that with your busy schedule, you need a chocolate bar that can keep up. The Walking-Movie-Watching-Getting-Freaky bar with almonds. The world doesn't understand you, but it does.”
"We know you like to bike, run, hike, be your own person. We've watched you sleep and saw that every night you roll over at exactly 1:30 a.m. Find the gum that fits your lifestyle. Your Door Wasn’t Locked, the new gum from Hubba Bubba.
"You think for yourself. You don't believe everything you hear. You find out things on your own. You make your own decisions, you don't follow the pack. Why breathe the same air as other people? Breathe your own air with Hardheaded Air Tanks. You walk alone, now breathe alone. When mother nature calls, you tell her, ‘I got this.’”
Every ad is like this now. All of them, talking to us individually. How did this become such a thing? Why does everyone need their very own everything? I like different colours and add-ons, but Jesus.
"Man, ANYONE with money can buy these watches? You're serious? That's ridiculous! Let me change the face or something. What, you're gonna let OTHER people choose that face?! Fine. Here. What do you mean? It's my own customized money. You think I'm using the same money these losers use? No way man. That's a 15 dollar and 37 cent bill right there. Made outta leaves –– everyone uses paper."
As well, could ads use real words? Don't spell cool "Kuol". The world is not a grade 10 kid's math desk. People fail courses for spelling things like this.
"Chris, you failed this test because you spelled building "bill-ding."
"But that's my ad for a phone in the shape of a duck’s beak. The Bill-Ding phone.”
"Really? I like ducks! How much are they?"
You can personalize all you want –– you will still have what other people have. Macs, phones, cars, all of it. If this ad sounds appealing –– "Sure, you want an iPhone, but you don't want the one everyone else has. Understandable. They're losers. Choose from millions of skins so you aren't a peasant who has the same phone cover as these other simps. You're better than they are. You're you. Right? Of course you are!" –– it might be time to move to an i-sland.
"Hey, we have the same computer!"
"No we don't. This is the Steve Johnson. I personalized it. God. Yours is blue. Mine has diamonds on it. Get a grip."
"It's the same computer, though."
"No, mine is a Steve Johnson!"
Personal ads for really mundane things. Starbucks has an ad called "Find your Frappucino." Jesus Christ. You find my Frappucino, you work here! That's ridiculous, "Find your Frappucino."
"Can I have a Mocha Frappucino without whipped cream?"
"Um, actually, that's my Frappucino. Found it yesterday. Find your own".
Why does everything have to be YOURS? Where does this stop by companies?
"Come to the movies, and sit in YOUR own theatre. Why be around 300 other dirtbags? Get that extra legroom you've been after. And rewind the movie wherever you want. Why miss something because you HAD to check your iPhone? Empire: YOUR theatre, YOUR rules.”
"Tired of your cell phone provider having other clients to deal with? We hear you. Call us, and we will open a cell phone company specifically for you! Your own CEO, your own call center with operators standing by to take your calls only, where you can name your company whatever you want, and we will make a phone just for you! You’ve always hated the number 9 button? Of course you have! You're you! Be you, with your own cell phone company.”
I also get personally offended when ads talk to us. When they try to tell you how you are to get you to buy their product.
"We know you. You don't think we do? Yeah, we do. You like to walk, right? Watch movies? Sometimes you even like to get freaky? Scary, huh? Told you we know you. That's why we know that with your busy schedule, you need a chocolate bar that can keep up. The Walking-Movie-Watching-Getting-Freaky bar with almonds. The world doesn't understand you, but it does.”
"We know you like to bike, run, hike, be your own person. We've watched you sleep and saw that every night you roll over at exactly 1:30 a.m. Find the gum that fits your lifestyle. Your Door Wasn’t Locked, the new gum from Hubba Bubba.
"You think for yourself. You don't believe everything you hear. You find out things on your own. You make your own decisions, you don't follow the pack. Why breathe the same air as other people? Breathe your own air with Hardheaded Air Tanks. You walk alone, now breathe alone. When mother nature calls, you tell her, ‘I got this.’”
Every ad is like this now. All of them, talking to us individually. How did this become such a thing? Why does everyone need their very own everything? I like different colours and add-ons, but Jesus.
"Man, ANYONE with money can buy these watches? You're serious? That's ridiculous! Let me change the face or something. What, you're gonna let OTHER people choose that face?! Fine. Here. What do you mean? It's my own customized money. You think I'm using the same money these losers use? No way man. That's a 15 dollar and 37 cent bill right there. Made outta leaves –– everyone uses paper."
As well, could ads use real words? Don't spell cool "Kuol". The world is not a grade 10 kid's math desk. People fail courses for spelling things like this.
"Chris, you failed this test because you spelled building "bill-ding."
"But that's my ad for a phone in the shape of a duck’s beak. The Bill-Ding phone.”
"Really? I like ducks! How much are they?"
You can personalize all you want –– you will still have what other people have. Macs, phones, cars, all of it. If this ad sounds appealing –– "Sure, you want an iPhone, but you don't want the one everyone else has. Understandable. They're losers. Choose from millions of skins so you aren't a peasant who has the same phone cover as these other simps. You're better than they are. You're you. Right? Of course you are!" –– it might be time to move to an i-sland.
Phones. Mine still works.
People are obsessed and in love with their phones. "No, no. I don't have a kid. This is a stroller to hold my phone. Want to see it? Don't touch it!" I didn't fall into the phone craze. People make fun of my phone all the time:
“A flip phone? God, do you own parachute pants and live in the ’90s?”
First of all. I would love parachute pants. I would even enjoy a parachute shirt and shoes. Secondly, do you know what phones did in the ’90s? They PHONED! I don’t have a stick with buttons on it. It's not a rock that I have placed a keypad on. I have a phone that calls people. People go on as if things were so bad just a few years ago.
First of all. I would love parachute pants. I would even enjoy a parachute shirt and shoes. Secondly, do you know what phones did in the ’90s? They PHONED! I don’t have a stick with buttons on it. It's not a rock that I have placed a keypad on. I have a phone that calls people. People go on as if things were so bad just a few years ago.
“Remember how hard 2003 was? God. Dial tones, email only on computers, dragging fresh water uphill, fighting birds for medicines? 2003 was rough!”
We instantly hate old technology.
“I got the iPhone 4! Not that iPhone 3 trash. That's so last month. Everyone knows phones didn't work last month.”
As if having the iPhone 3 means you live in a trash can, eating rats and begging for change.
“You got any change?”
“Whoa, hope things pick up for him. I bet he has the first iPhone. Sad.”
The actual phone is not better, it just has more junk added to it. The ACTUAL phone option is done. You talk into one end, and someone on another phone, across the world, can hear you. That’s amazing! That’s why when a new phone comes out, they never say, “This phone is clearer than other phones. The phone option on this phone is so much better than on past phones. You can hear so well!”
They can’t say that, so they just add to the phone.
“Hey, get this new phone! This phone is amazing! It has a camera, it has GPS, it has faster Internet, it has games, lightsabers, it even has a cat that you can talk to, and the cat will repeat back what you said! Who doesn't want that!"
The phone option stays the same.
“Man, can you make this phone clearer?”
“Yeah, sure. Here’s a video game. Have a good day!”
“But the phone is the same.”
“No, you didn’t have that game before. You take penalty kicks. The phone’s way better now!”
People play these games so much too! When I had a Game Boy, I played it when I WASN'T around my TV and actual Nintendo system. When I played it, I thought, “I can’t wait to get home and play on my actual TV. Mario is the size of a Tic Tac!”
Now people play their phone games at home!
“Hey man, want to play some Xbox?”
“What, on a big screen with controllers and comfort? No way man. These birds are pissed! I better straighten this out on this tiny screen."
Why do people even want a game on their phone? I never wished that my Super Nintendo could make a call.
“Mario Kart is pretty sweet, but I can't believe I have to use another device to call my friend. God Mario. Even when I WIN I can't make a call? Just ridiculous."
Why don't people want phones on games? Why not a landline with games? Why not sell landlines that are attached to big pinball machines?
“Yeah, sorry I hung up on you, man. The ball went into the cancel call hole. Win some, lose some. Yo, I just got a long distance ball! Gotta call my mom man. Later”
Watching movies on your phone? Has to be the worst thing people do. ANYONE who watches a movie on their phone is a pretentious cocksucker. It is equivalent to playing polo while being fitted for a jacket with tails and shopping for faberge eggs. Again, why is this something people want?
“I can watch Terminator 2 on this four-inch screen! Look how small Arnold is. Oh no, look out Arnold! Tiny T-1000 is behind you!”
The commercials that show people doing this too are great. "Hi, I'm on a bus, and I'm watching the latest movie on my new Rogers Super power wicked I'm awesome phone!" I always wish the commercial would end with "Hey, buddy. If you have that phone, why are you on this bus? You know what I have? A transfer and a drinking problem. And another thing ...(pukes everywhere).
The phone was supposed to keep people connected, and it does. But it doesn’t connect you to the people around you. It keeps you connected to people who are not in the room! You see people at restaurants, sitting in a booth, not talking to each other, but TEXTING! Because the phone is not used to keep you connected now, it's used to see if where you are is as good as where OTHER people are.
“Yeah, I'm just on a date right now. What are you up to? Watching Must Love Dogs? Man, I love that movie. I’m on my way!”
[Phone rings.]
“Hi, hello? What’s going on? Something, somewhere?! Please tell me something is happening! Get me out of the boredom that is this U2 concert!"
Phones keep everyone in their own little worlds. Everyone is in their own little bubble. It’s called the iPhone. The iPhone. Not the wePhone. Not the usPhone. Not the love-thy-neighbourPhone –– the “I, this is my world, and my phone, and get the hell out of my way-phone.”
You hear people go on: “My phone is so sweet. I can find restaurants, tell people where I am and check in to that place, find out how the waves are before I hit the beach, and I can take pictures of things while I’m doing them so I can remember what I did earlier. It’s great!”
“Do you even feel anymore? Have any actual thoughts or emotions run through your body?”
“I don’t know... Let me check my phone.”