3D technology. Really?
3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"
The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."
All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."
They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."
Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."
3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.
3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.
3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."
All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"
Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."