Can Childless Cat Ladies Care About Society?

There is a sect of people who believe that if you do not have kids you cannot care about the future. You cannot care about society because you don’t have a ‘stake’ in it. That not having kids means if there was complete anarchy, everything turned to flames and vipers roamed the streets biting grand mothers, what would you care? It’s not like you have kids! Having kids means you’d pulled that snake off of that lady. Not having kids means you’d sit back, popcorn in hand, watching an elderly be devoured.

‘Get her, snake! Then get me! I don’t care what happens!’

There is a sect of people also saying that they wouldn’t want their kids taught by someone who doesn’t have kids of their own. What does this mean? Should planes only be flown by pilots who OWN a plane? Trains driven by people who have their own personal railway?

‘Hey, before I get on this Greyhound bus, do you own it?’

‘Do I own it?… Buddy… it’s a Greyhound Bus. Nobody on here owns anything. Get in or get off I don’t care both of my feet are dead.’

We all know there’s a LOT of people with kids who shouldn’t be in control of anything, right? John Wayne Gacy had kids. Was he better equipped to teach a psych class over someone who doesn’t? Diddy has kids. Should he decide what curriculum goes into sex-ed over someone who currently doesn’t have children of their own?

‘Do you have kids?’

‘I don’t. No criminal record either.’

‘Ugh. I don’t want my kid going to your daycare. What about you?’

‘Nine kids, seven DUI’s and a gun charge.’

‘Great! Nine kids? Perfect. Here’s another. I’ll be back at four. Or five. You got it.’

People without kids can care about the future and society because they live in society and still like a good future. So even though they themselves might not have kids, how people decide to raise/educate/teach/school/reprimand or whatever kids, the ones that are out there, determines whether or not it’s safe to go to a grocery store. Determines whether or not you’ll be eaten by someone who doesn’t have the capacity to wait for you to pick out some bananas. The kids that are rocking teachers in the eyes with iPads because they’re told to stop making reaction videos in class, could one day be rocking us all in the eyes.

‘Hey, are you waiting in line?’

*Swings grocery basket their holding at your head

‘Gahghghg!’

I’m not against kids. Not at all. I don’t have any but I don’t dislike them. I might have one one day. I saw a kid in the airport in a terminal waving at everyone that passed him.

‘Hi’

Just one of the cutest things out there. I can care about the future and society for me and this little guy. I don’t NEED a kid to understand that I don’t want THIS one living in a world of fire roads and vipers eating grandfathers. UNLESS he grows up to instead of wave at people, bash them in the head with a Nintendo DS. Then all bets are off, buddy. I’ll open the cage door of a rattlesnake myself…

Comedian Nathan Macintosh… is a comedian. Comedy specials ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ on Youtube

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Things I'll still do when I'm a millionaire.

Millionaires really start living like people in weird bubbles pretty early on. Once you become a millionaire, seems to be some things you just stop doing that regular humans keep on keeping on with. When I become a millionaire, here's a list of things I'm still gonna do with my goddamn ass.

1. Walk my own dogs 

Yep. When I become a millionaire, I'm gonna walk the dog or dogs that I have myself.

'What? Why?! How the hell could you put your hands that have all that money on a leash? Or, even worse, a leash attached to a ...dog.'

I truly don't understand having a dog and not walking it. That's one of the things that you do with a dog. That's one of the things that is done with this animal when you own one. They need walks. They get walks. They like going outside and smelling stuff. They like smelling that strange dogs butt. It's a big part of the lives of these domesticated pets. So, you're going to get one of these creatures, and NOT do with them one of the major things that they involve? Why don't you just have a TV that you hire people to come over and watch?

"I just bought this sweet ass, seventy five hundred inch TV! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn badass millionaire. I'm a millionaire, son! Now, where's the number of that service where I pay a struggling actor forty bucks to sit in front of this thing for an hour? Oh yeah, I'll just lean out my window and yell, because I'm a badass millionaire!"

If when I'm a millionaire I'm too busy for dogs, and everyone in my house is as well, there will be no dogs. But if I have a dog, I'll walk that mother. I will see my dog smell that butt. 

2. Raise my own kids  

Now, jesus christ. This one shouldn't even be a thought. You have kids. These kids need to be raised. So, you.. raise... them. YOU do. The person who made them. The piece of machinery that brought this damn kid into the world. YOU, stupid. YOU take this kid out. YOU feed this kid. You don't call a woman whose trying to stay in the country you live in and get her to come over and raise the damn thing. If you're gonna do this, she should be there for the conception.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, just like that. Yeah, I'm about to, I'm aboouuuttt toooo... wait. Divina, are you going to be able to nanny for us from Monday to Friday, 8- 8? And hell, on Saturdays too?"

"... Yes. I can do that."

"Oh, boy. That's great! Because I'm about to put a FULL baby into my wife here. Oh, jesus, I'm gonna come! Ahh, ahhhh, AHHHHHH I'm never gonna be here to see this kid! ... Ah, ah god. Divina, you're really saving my life here. I can just come and come into this thing I married, and YOU deal with what this thing makes with that come! Ah, man. What a life.... Drinks, anyone?"

When I'm a millionaire, I'll raise my own kids. If I can't, and my wife is not able to as well, and the only option is to hire someone completely unrelated to this situation to raise them, I'm not going to have them. 

3. Drive my own cars 

This is another one of those things. You become a millionaire. You can afford any car you want. You pick it out. Then, you hire another human to drive you around in it. What... the fuck. What is the message here? That driving a car is for commoners? Being seen behind the wheel of a beautiful automobile is for peasants? You can't drive you're own Rolls? It's gorgeous! Get behind the wheel! Put your head out the window! Toss watches out of the sun roof! Been seen! Why get a driver for such nice cars? You should have drivers for terrible ones.

"Okay, I'm looking for a driver."

"No problem. We can help you with that. What kind of car? Rolls Royce? Maybach?"

"What? Jesus no! I drive a 97' Corolla. I'm gonna be getting a new car soon. But god, I can't be seen in this thing anymore. I'm trying to get laid, you know? People point and laugh when I'm at the light. I need someone to drive me to work, and I'm going to lay in the back seat under an old blanket. Cool?"

If I'm too busy to drive the gorgeous, half million dollar car that I buy, and everyone in my house is too busy too as well, I won't buy the car. I'll get another fountain.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh