Five Ways To Make Cyber Monday More Fair

Holy hell! Cyber Monday is here. Are you ready to get online and buy things with your credit card while wearing a robe and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch? 

'Wait, I don't eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'm trying to be healthy. I'm trying to ea...'

Shut up, nerd! Are you ready or not?

'...Yes, I'm ready.'

Good! Then grab your card, grab your bag, your focus and get to work! You've been waiting for this day. You avoided Black Friday so that you could not be punched in the face over that dish set you want. Why get stabbed for some forks when you can sit at home half naked and get them sent to your door? 

'That's what I'm saying! I can sit at home, wearing my Homer Simpson slippers and just kick back, press ord...'

Shut up, nerd! Cyber Monday is coming! The thing is - Black Friday used to be the only day. It used to be the ONE day that gave you deals. You wanted those deals? You had to lace up the gloves and punch your way into that store. Now? Cyber Monday. 

Now, is it fair that some people (people who don't have credit cards, don't have access to the internet, don't care that people will take video of them being animals, don't understand that you DON'T have to throw yourself into a pile of people for cheap headphones) have to throw themselves into a pile of people for cheap headphones and various other deals? No. No, it is not. It is NOT fair that someone who only deals in cash and whose credit score is in the toilet has to fight a mom jacked on Red Bull for swim trunks. 

Cyber Monday is the same as Black Friday except that it's participated in by people who have no heart. No drive. No 'get up and smash someone.' It's like playing a UFC video game and calling yourself a fighter. Cyber Monday has the same deals as Black Friday, but are gotten in completely different ways. You want these deals, but don't want put your body on the line? Fine, but there are a few ways that we can make Cyber Monday deals a bit more fair.

When The Package You Ordered On Cyber Monday Is Dropped Off, Fight The Delivery Man

If you had been a human with the heart of a lion, you would have went into that store three days ago and bit someone's face to get that toaster. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it with no blood on your hands. Well, not anymore. When the delivery man shows up, you have to fight him for it. He's been up all night, drinking coffee, doing push ups. He's angry. He's shirtless. You want that toaster with the bagel toasting option? Time to earn it. 

Cutting Your Face With A Watch As You Order A Product

If you had been a human with the heart of a Sasquatch, you would have gone to that store on Black Friday and kicked a mother in the shin for that cheap bicycle pump. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, when you knew there was no chance of being hurt. Well, not anymore. If you HAD gone to the store to get that sweet, sweet bicycle pump, chances are you would have had to dive on the floor to hold onto the cord as a man dragged it away. He would have swiped back to knock you off, and cut your face with his watch. You would have let one hand go, only to look up and see this monster tackled by another creature who needed to get through him. Now you are the bicycle pump owner. So as you order it from the comfort of your house, slash your face with a Swatch for the ultimate experience. You want that pump? Time to earn it. 

Ask Your Partner To Kick You In The Head

If you were a human with the heart of a cuttlefish, you would have blasted into that store on Black Friday and fought your way to that Playstation 4. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it to be delivered to you in the comfort of your Hanes Undershorts. Well, not anymore. As you press 'Order' on that PS4, have your husband or wife kick you in the side of the head. There's a HUGE chance that had you gone in on Friday, a man with a short temper and long legs would have hit you in the temple with a spin kick from a size twelve Sketcher for the entertainment system. Is it fair that you don't have to go through that? No. You want that video game box? Have your partner gorilla kick you in the head while you order. Time to earn it.

Jam Yourselves Between A Set Of Doors

If you were a human being with the heart of the girl from The Ring, you would have flash kicked your way into that store on Black Friday for that FitBit. But you didn't. You played it safe and waited until Cyber Monday and ordered it without the screams of people being beaten within an inch of their life around you. Well, not anymore. If you had run into a store with thousands of deranged maniacs, you would have been squeezed between a set of doors, screaming, 'I just want to know how many steps I'm taking!' As you press 'Place Order' while wearing thong sandals in your living room on Cyber Monday, smash yourself in a door. Jam yourself between a door and door frame while screaming, 'I'm saving a couple of bucks!' You really want to know how many steps you're taking a day? Time to earn it.

Smash The Windows Out Of Your Car

If you were a human being with the heart of a winged beast, you would have Batman swung your way into a store on Black Friday for those Dockers. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, where no one will be chasing your vehicle out of the parking lot because you got the last pair. Is that fair? No. As you're pressing 'I'll Buy This Damn Thing Now,' you should be out in your driveway, smashing your windshield with your forearm. Bashing your forearm into your windshield, while screaming, 'I need those Dockers you piece of garbage!' the way some man with three kids he barely wanted would have done if you had the balls to go out on Black Friday. You want those Dockers? Time to earn them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Thanksgiving's and Sale days.

A lot of people in America have asked me if Canada does Thanksgiving. Sure. Do we do it in November? Nope. It's the second Monday of October. How come? Because in 1957, the Parliament of Canada decided we should have a celebration for our harvest. And they decided that it would be in October. Yep. That's it. It's not because we're celebrating the day that Canadians killed aboriginal people. Which happened but not like that. The British came over to Canada, killed the people that lived there, and then that country became Canada. So, instead of celebrating that, Thanksgiving in Canada was just a decided day. 

"Hey, in America they have a day where they celebrate the killing of people."

"Hmmm. They take the whole day off?"

"Yep."

"Huh. We need a day like that. How about we celebrate the killing of crops that we harvest?"

"Well, little softer, but I like it. What will we call it?"

"What are you talking about? Thanksgiving. They have it, and it's working. So, Thanksgiving."

"What about Harvest Day? Or Holi-Tober?"

"... Do you hear yourself?"

And is Canadian Thanksgiving celebrated the same? Yes. Turkey, gravy, stuffing. All of it. It's the same day. Except in America it's a lot more important of a Holiday. In Canada it's not as huge. Take it this way, in Canada families have Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday Or Monday. The actual Holiday is Monday, but people might celebrate it on Sunday. That's how serious it is. 

"Holiday is tomorrow."

"Cool. Want to do it today? I'm hungry now."

"Sure. Let me get my sweatpants on."

You can celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving any day that weekend if you want. Can't really do that with other Holidays. 

"Alright. It's Christmas eve, kids. Christmas tomorrow. But look, screw that. I don't want to do it then. Let's get this thing over with."

"But Dad! Santa hasn't come yet!"

"You kidding me? Santa picked this stuff up in November. Alright, I'll open them. Here you go, Chris. A sweater."

"AHHHHhhhhh!"

"Stop crying. You know there are kids on this planet who don't even HAVE parents opening their gifts and throwing them at them. Now enjoy!"

One big difference between the two holidays is that in America Thanksgiving is right before the big sale day. Black Friday. In Canada, Thanksgiving is not tied to our big sale day. We have Boxing day, our big sale day, the day after Christmas. Good and bad to both. With Black Friday, all of your Christmas gifts you get were probably on sale. Someone probably was punched in the face for you to have that Blu Ray collection. 

"Merry Christmas!"

"Thanks!... Um, there's blood on this."

"Oh, yeah. Some idiot reached for it when I did, so Judo kicked him through a display case. He landed on some glass ornaments, and blood must have flew through the air and landed on your gift. I was too busy running from the fire someone started in mobile audio to notice. Anyway, Merry Christmas!"

Since Boxing Day in Canada is the day after Christmas, you get to see the gift you bought someone for Christmas, is a hundred dollars less the very next day.

"Are you kidding me? They don't think I need that hundred bucks? Why don't we just make Christmas Dec 27th? I mean for god sakes."

For years there have been stories about people being trampled on Black Friday. Boxing Day? Not really the same. I don't remember seeing tons of stories of Canadians stomping on each other at Zellers to get forty dollars off of a bike. I'm not sure why. Maybe one reason is because it's Canada. I think one reason is that Black Friday is before Christmas. People NEED these gifts. You NEED these discounts for the upcoming Holiday. With the thought of having nothing under the tree, and that old woman in front of you, that old woman has to go. Since Boxing Day is after Christmas, it's a little more casual. I used to work in the home theatre department of a Future Shop, which is owned by Best Buy, same thing really, and I worked a Boxing Day. Getting there at five in the morning, blizzard out, people had been shovelling their own path out to stand in, and one guy had hot chocolate he was handing to people. HANDING it out. Not throwing it in peoples faces. Black Friday? Who knows.

"Hey, man. That's pretty nice of you. Bringing hot chocolate for everyone in this line. That's just great. I'll have half a ..... AAAAAHHHHH! Right in my face! Why?!"

"I need that Lego set! Third degree burn bandit strikes again!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh