FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

9 TIMES I WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE REVENANT

The Revenant is a great movie, and also made me think of how many times I would have died in the 1800's. I wouldn't have made it anywhere. People say they wouldn't be able to sleep inside of a dead horse. I'd be done a LONG time before I'm thrown off the cliff on a horse.

WALKING IN A RIVER WEARING FUR

You ever try walking through a river? Not the easiest. Have you ever tried walking through a river while you're wrapped up in comforters? It's PRETTY tough. So if you're draped in a dead bear and have to cross a river? Not happening. First time someone said we had to cross this river, I'd say where's the bridge? They'd say stop being a baby, walk the river, and I'd say, NOPE! Good night, friends. I'm laying here until I'm dead like the bear I'm wearing. 

WEARING WET MOCCASINS 

If today, in 2016, I'm going somewhere and I step in a puddle, I'm going home. That's the end of going to wherever I was going to. No more friends house, bank trip, grocery store, wherever. It's toast. People in The Revenant are constantly in and out of cold rivers wearing cloth shoes. No socks, just the hide of a mir cat or whatever. You step out of a river, and don't dry off, just keep walking a trail? Nope. Not me. First step in a river wearing the skin of a cat, I'm laying down and waiting for trench foot or whatever to kill me. 

HAVING DRY MOCCASINS

I mean, moccasins? You kidding me? A flappy little shoe while walking in the wilderness? No arch support? No air bubbles for cushioning? Just deer hide tied around your foot? No way. No different colours to stand out amongst the other people walking through the woods with you? No different brands? Can't do it. Your foot is going to feel AWFUL stepping on sticks and rocks. If I have to wear the same dirt animal skin on my foot as everyone else, I'm out. I'm laying down and waiting for Adidas to exist.

SLEEPING OUTSIDE

I can't. Once houses with electricity and running water became real, the woods became a place we should only ever be lost in. The woods are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half. I can barely sleep in a hotel room, but the woods? On the ground, beside some trees that animals pee on? And that's NOW, but if I had to sleep with no sleeping bags and inside a couple of sticks put together with fur draped over it? Can't do it. I'll lay on the ground and wait for apartment buildings. 

THE WOODS ARE EVERYWHERE

So, the woods, which are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half are the ONLY thing around? What are we walking for? Why are we continuing on this journey only to get to more trees? I'm done. I like cities. I like people. I like houses. I like looking down a road and seeing SOMETHING. I like looking down a road! Not just a trail of death to nothing. Just walking through the woods, only to get to more woods? Yuck. What would be the point?

'Hey, where are we?'

'The woods.'

'And where are we going?'

'It's all woods, broheem.'

Goodnight, world. I would lay down and wait for the future and cities to be built around me.

EATING A BISON HEART

Not today, daddy. I've walked out of a sandwich place that didn't have avocado. I can't eat a raw bison heart. If someone throws you a raw bison heart, you can't ask them for hot sauce, a plate, avocado, bread. Nothing. If they had ANY of that, they wouldn't have thrown you a raw bison heart. They'd toss a side as well. But there's none of that. It's The Revenant. No Franks Red Hot, no paper plates. So a raw bison heart? No, sir. I'm using the bison heart as a pillow, and going to sleep on it until restaurants happen. 

LIGHTING A FIRE

I was in boy scouts, and it would be nice to say that if I'm alone in the woods and it gets dark, I can light a fire and stay warm. Be nice to say, but not true at all. In boy scouts I learned that you might have to sell apples outside of a liquor to raise money. I learned I can't tie any knots. I learned that if your parents are the scout leaders, then your cub car is a winner no matter what. Didn't learn how to light a fire out of nothing. First night in the woods where a fire is needed? That's it. I'm laying down, and waiting for cold death to take me out.

FIRST CAMP ATTACK

So I just killed a deer, and I hear that people are clearly attacking the camp that I am supposed to drag this deer back to. Do I leave the deer and head back to fight? NOPE. I stay with the deer until the heat dies down, then I go back to the camp and check all my dead friends for hot sauce. I sit down, I cook the deer, douse it in hot sauce and that's it. I run out of deer? I wait for jesus to come and take me. 

NO GLOVES

No one is The Revenant has gloves. At least not good gloves. They have a cows uterus or an eagles skinned back wrapped around their hands, but that's not enough. That's not insulated. There's no heat tech there. They didn't have gloves or pockets. If you'r wearing the fur of a dead animal without gloves? You also have no pockets to tuck your hands into. If I'm walking around in the freezing cold with no gloves or no pockets? I'm going home. If I'm doing that AND having to fight off bears and old man winter? I'm done. I'm laying down and waiting for frost bite to take me away. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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Superman Can Beat Batman

Batman VS Superman

Batman VS Superman is coming. Batman, known for having a belt with stuff in it is going to fight Superman, a man with all of the powers that imagination can come up with. Batman has a car. Superman can eat a car. Batman has money. Superman only has a day job to fit in with the rest of us goblins. He doesn't need it. Not even to pay his rent. 

'Hey, Clark, rent is due.'

' ...And?'

'What do you mean 'And'? Pay your rent or I'll throw your ass on the stre...'

'Get away from my door.'

'Are you crazy? This is MY door until you pay your ren...'

Clark sets his hands on fire.

'.... You got it, pal. Your door, your apartment, your all of it. JESUS I gotta do better background checks.'

The ONLY reason these two can meet up is that Superman has stupid morals. The guy is a wienie. Super wienie. He won't just grab people and kick through their chest. Even though he can, the power that is the strongest within him is the power that a religious mother instills in you. Morals. And because those are so strong, a movie like 'Batman VS Superman' can exist. 

Not sure why this is feasible, but people say that it's nuts that Rocky fought in Rocky Balboa. People were happy that Rocky didn't fight in Creed. People couldn't have bought the fact that a 69 year old man could box again. And sure, that is a bit nuts, but people are very excited to see a movie about a man who could rip ANYONE on the planet in half with his breath. ESPECIALLY people without powers that aren't connected to their bank accounts. 

There are COUNTLESS ways that Superman could beat Batman. Here are a few. 

CANCEL BRUCE WAYNE'S BANK ACCOUNTS

You want to stop Batman? Take his money. Without money he's just a guy who knows how to fight and is sad about his dead parents. Superman can walk into a bank, and say 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' When the teller says, 'I can't do that without Mr. Wayne's authorization', Superman uses his breathe to to freeze a pen, snaps it in half, and says, 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' That account is now frozen, and Bruce is siphoning gas in a Target parking lot. 

THROW HIM INTO THE SUN

Batman runs at Superman to hit him with a Judo kick, Superman grabs his leg and throws him into the sun. Batman dies well before he hits the sun, but his lifeless body hits it and bursts into flames. Or while Batman is cruising the city, Superman can fly under the Batmoblie, pick it up, and throw it into the sun. One minute, Batman is listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman, getting in the mood to bust perps, next he's turned to nothing by the sun. 

FREEZE HIM AND SMASH HIS FROZEN BODY

While Bruce Wayne is asking Alfred to get him a glass of orange juice, Superman smashes through his ceiling and lands behind him.

'Hello, Bruce. Need some Vitamin C?'

'Ah god!'

Superman breathes on Bruce, who freezes from the floor to the top of his head. Alfred walks back in with the orange juice.

'Well, Master Wayne, I guess you don't need ice.'

Superman picks Bruce up and smashes him on the floor. Alfred takes a piece of Bruce and puts it into the juice and takes a sip. 

'Always thought you were a bit chilly, Master Wayne.'

TAKE HIM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA AND LEAVE HIM THERE

Batman's just woken up from a twenty minute nap he's taken. He stretches, and hits the floor to do his daily thousand push ups, and bam! Through the floor, comes Superman. 

'Damn you, Superman! I was just beginning my workout!'

'Well, now you're just beginning your drown out.'

'.... You're not very good at the one liners, are you?'

'Not my strong suit, you're right.'

Superman fly's Batman over the Atlantic ocean and dives towards the bottom. Batman holds his breath. As Superman is speeding to the bottom, Batman's head explodes from the pressure. Superman stands a headless Batman on his feet at the sea floor.

'Who'd not good at one liners now, Batman?! Who?!.... Me. Still me.' 

Kill Him With His Penis

Batman is sitting on a gargoyle, as he does, balancing himself while looking down over his city.

'Hmmmm... it's quiet.'

Superman floats in front of him.

'Hmmmm.... Superman.'

'Yes.'

Batman throws a batarang at Superman. Superman let's it hit him right in the teeth, laughs. 

'That's it, huh?'

Superman, in an uncharacteristic move, is wearing jeans. 

'Ziiiiiiiiiiip.'

Superman's penis flops out of the denim. 

'Look at it.'

Batman looks away.

'Look at it!'

Batman looks at his hands. 

'.... Just kill me.'

Superman wraps it around Batman's neck and chokes him. 

'Agh! Ahhhh!'

Batman reaches for his 'Superman Penis Around My Neck Repellent'. It's not there.

'Looking for this?'

Superman drinks the repellent while Batman dies. 

GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY BATMAN

As baby Bruce stands there, watching his parents die in the street after being shot, Superman shows up.

'Hello, Bruce. This is the day that starts your transformation into Batman. And one day you will want me dead.'

'.... What? First off? There's a LOT going on right now. My parents were murdered, you just told me I'm going to be Bat.... Man.... and wow, you showed up out of nowhere and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!'

'I'm your end.'

Superman grabs baby Bruce and rips him in half. 

SIMPLY BEAT HIM UP

Bruce is heading to his closet a suit for a black tie affair, and in flies Superman.

'Superman!'

'Batman.'

'Fight me.'

Batman throws a punch, Superman takes it, breaking Batmans hand. Superman then punches Batman in the head, it's over. Done. Super done. 

THROW A TOYOTA CAMRY AT BATMAN

Batman is sitting at home on his Batcomputer. He's looking up the latest on super criminals in the area. 

'Huh, the Joker donated a bunch of toys to a local charity. THAT can't be good.'

Superman is in Illinois. Shopping for baseballs. He decides, today is the day. He's going to kill Batman. As he leaves a Dick's Sporting Goods, he spots a Toyota Camry. 

'I'm going to throw your car at Batman's Batcave.'

'You ain't doing NOTHING to my ca....'

Superman picks up this mans car, and throws it at the Batcave. 

'Huh, Killer Croc has gone into real estate. Must keep an eye on h....'

Right then, a Toyota Camry comes crashing through his wall and kills him. 

Superman won't do any these things but thankfully, he won't have to kill Batman! Because in the trailer, it CLEARLY shows that WonderWoman shows up, says something like 'Are you boys going to keep having this dick measuring contest up or you going to take your dicks and put them together in the team up way that you're supposed to?' Batman and Superman then put down their rulers, tuck their dicks, shake hands, un tuck their dicks, and shake dicks. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh