Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

We need roommates.

I have never lived alone. I've never had an apartment in my adult life to myself. I've always had roommates. Or girlfriends. I've always been able to come in the house and talk to people. Just open the door and start beaking. Personally? I like that. I don't think I can live alone. My mind runs too much. I would be snapping after month one.

'Hey, me. It's me again. Talking to me. Yep. I'm good, me. You? Oh, you're me. But you're good, like me, because I'm you and I'm good. Calm down, me. We've got this under control. Okay. Time to leave the house.'

How do people live alone and not snap? Who do you talk to if you live alone?

'What's up, eggs. I'm making you right now. Once you're cooked, we're gonna hit the couch. Tinder? Yeah, it's going okay. Got a match last night! Alright, eggs. Time to come out of that pan.'

I need people around. Or I need SOMETHING around. Dog, cat, fish, wall. Something. But don't all people? How do people live alone with no pets? Or no people? What are you doing? Working on a manifesto? Counting bullets? Watching when animals attack videos? Wondering what it would be like to punch that person at work full in the face? 

'Oh yeah. It would feel great. My knuckles would just connect like... bam! Man. That'd be great.'

What do you do? Just walk around an apartment alone? Taking stock of all the corners you can hang yourself in?  

'Oh, look at this! My apartment is like the set of I Am Legend again! So sweet. I'll just go over.... here.... and do whatever I ..... want. I'm so happy to have no one around.' 

When you live alone, there's no one to call you on your junk. Roommates will stop you from falling into a pit of despair or being ridiculous. The movie Taxi Driver wouldn't have even worked if Travis Bickle had a roommate. You can't just be cutting your hair in the sink, doing chin ups in the middle of the place, and blaring news stories all day. NO roommate would let that happen.

'You looking at me?'

'Yeah, I am, Travis. You mind not turning that drawer into a gun holster? I keep my forks there you maniac.'

'You looking at me?'

'Yeah, I AM, buddy. Put the goddamn drawer back. Jesus Christ. Get your shit together.'

'.... You looking... at ..... I'm sorry.'

American Psycho too. Patrick Bateman wouldn't have been killing hookers or people he worked with having a roommate. 

'Do you like Phil Collins?'

*Door Opens*

'Pat! I told you, I gotta work at 7. Can you tu tu turn down the Su Su Sussdio? Christ, man. And put my axe away! That is my dead grand fathers.'

*Door slams*

'Who was that, Patrick? Is he the one that owns all these newspapers you have on the floor?'

'.... Yes. Paul, I have to return some video tapes.'

And yes, I know Bateman didn't really kill anyone, but he thought he did! You know why? No roommate to call him on his garbage. No roommate to go, 'Man, I think you're going insane.' Nobody to go, 'You okay? Let's crush some madden. You look like you need to chill.' Nobody to go, 'Bateman. Business cards DON'T MATTER. Stop stressing about such stupid things. And PLEASE, stop doing crunches while watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I mean, MY god, buddy. You're cracking.'

People who live alone say they like having a place to themselves, but how do you even appreciate it when it's always empty? When you have roommates, when they are all gone, having an empty apartment is great! It's RARELY that way, so you can appreciate it. 

'Nobodies here?! Sick. This living room is MINE. See ya in hell, pants!'

When you live alone and the place is empty, either you are single or mentally becoming a serial killer. 

'Hmmm. Apartment all to myself again, huh? Sick. Time to sharpen these knives. See ya in hell, being emotionally connected to people.'

There's always food when you live with roommates! You don't have milk? Your roommate probably does. No more coffee? Don't walk to Dunkin, don't even wake Duncan, just take his coffee! If you are out, your roommate has it. If you BOTH don't have food? You two losers need to get it together. 

'Buddy, where's your food?'

'Where's mine? Where's yours!?'

'Ah god. It's time to go back to school. I gotta eat first though. Where's your food?'

'We just went over this!'

I will say, no matter what, I can't live with strangers again. Once you get to a certain age, you have to know the people you share a shower with. That is just a must. 

'Who in the hell are you?'

'Your roommate. I moved in the other day. You said I could.'

'Really? Oh yeah. Well.... damn. I mean.... whatever. Stop using my loofah?'

'I mean, I'll TELL you I'll stop, but you're not in here with me. You leave? I use it again.'

'Ugh. I need to get a girlfriend again. Just hurry up.'

@nathanmacintosh

DONATE TO SUPPORT POSITIVE ANGER!