'Oh, we've met.'

A couple times in my life I've been called out by people who have said I've met them when I introduced myself. Most times it was small, other times completely my mistake. I've started just not saying 'nice to meet you at all', just incase I have met this human before. Last night I'm walking with a friend, and he sees a girl that he knows. They talk for a second, then he introduces me to her.

"Hey, Nathan. Nice to meet you."

"... We've met."

"Oh. Sorry. When did we meet?"

"Not long ago. I remember your face. We met like a year ago at a....."

Once I heard 'a year', I was done. There are times when I will accept that I messed up. That I have met this person and I'm being a dick. But this wasn't one of them.

"A year? That's not long ago? A full year?"

"I don't know... A year is..."

"A year!"

I just wasn't going to be called out on 'meeting' someone at a mic a year ago as me being a horrible person who only thinks about themselves. A year. Not a short amount of time. Did I spend any time talking to this person a year ago? I bet not at all. Might, maybe, been a quick hello. If that! I'm not sure why people feel they can become a hero in this situation. If I met someone, than a year later they said 'nice to meet you', I wouldn't get all politeness warrior.

"Oh, we've MET. You don't remember? I was sitting at a table of twenty. You were one of the twenty. I asked you for the salt. You said, 'here you go.' GOD. We've MET."

This person who tried to call me out didn't even remember my name either. Just that she remembered my face. Well then hey, we didn't really meet! There should only be a few times you can say to someone, 'oh, we've met.'

1. You've slept with a person.

If someone looks at you and says, 'Nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that you have penetrated or been penetrated by this person, THEN you can hit them with the 'oh, we've met.' 

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"Really? I'm sorry. When?"

"When you asked me if I wanted a towel. Then you watched an episode of Cosmos on Netflix before telling me I couldn't stay at your place. THEN. WE. MET. THEN."

"Oh.. I... ah..."

"ARE A DICK!"

2. You worked/work at a job. 

If someone looks at you and says 'nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that they are your boss, you can pull the old 'oh, we've met.'

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When?"

"When you hired me... thirty years ago! I've been to your stupid christmas parties! I've hated your dumb kids from afar! Your wife sucks! WE'VE. MET."

"Ah... I'm... you're fired."

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

3. Your parents. 

If someone looks at your and says 'nice to meet you', but you're CERTAIN that you've come out of their body, HIT em with the ol' 'oh, we've met."

"Nice to meet you."

"OH, for CHRIST sake. We've MET!"

"I'm sorry, when did w...."

"When I came out of your balls! When I went into the woman you through me into, hit one of her eggs and became a human! When you watching me leave a vagina! When you dropped me off at school! When you hit me for changing the channel by accident! WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE. We. Have. MEEEETTTTTTTTT."

"Oh, man. I'm so...."

"A dick! You're so a DICK! If you don't think THIS is going to push me to drugs, you're dead wrong, BUD."

4. You've been to space with someone.

If someone says 'nice to meet you', but, like, you KNOOOOW that you orbited the Sun with them, I mean, COME ON. Drop that 'oh, we've met' right in their helmet!

"Nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When did this...."

"Look, Jerry. You know damn well we've met. We trained at NASA for MONTHS together. We handed each other diapers while floating in zero gravity looking down on earth. We both urinated straight up to the ceiling and laughed and laughed. We were the only ones up there! You told me you've cheated on your wife thousands of times! You told me your darkest fears! We thought we saw aliens but we were just tweaking on that California Cub Dust we snuck on board. We made sweet love when we didn't think we were making it back to earth!"

"Oh, I'm sor..."

"SO A DICK! A gentle, beautiful dick that I fell in love with in dark, lonely space. I loved you, Jerry! I space loved you, space Jerry!"

These are the times you can drop 'oh, we've met.' Other than that, change your tone. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Vacationing is hard.

I went to Orlando to visit a friend last week. It was the first vacation I had taken in five years. That means, in the last ten years, I've been on two vacations. I don't BELIEVE that's what regular human beings do. Regular people try to go on vacation once a year or something, right?

"Hey, it's February again. Let's get the hell out of here!"

"But we went away last February."

"... Yeah. That's what I said. Whatever. Stay here. I'm out. Peace, not vacationing loser!"

The last vacation I went on was to Jamaica. I had just taped a half hour special for Canadian television. I have to add the 'Canadian' part because people in America looking at this need the context. 

"He filmed a half hour special? Huh. I didn't know that. He's doing it! He must really be moving up the.... oh. In Canada. That's like filming a half hour special in Idaho FOR Idaho. I ALMOST texted him 'congrats'."

That had just been filmed, and I had worked really hard on it. For about four and a half years straight, everyday, doing shows. So I thought, with the money I made from it, which was Canadian millions, I'd go on a trip. That, and also my girlfriend was like, 'You know before you I used to go on vacations all the time. All the time! We're young! What the hell are we doing?!" 

So we went. Great time. Then, a year later, I moved to New York, and, same as Toronto, just did shows every night for years. A friend of mine has been working at Disney in Orlando for the last year. Kept asking me to come down and visit. Finally booked it, and went down. 

I say vacationing is hard for many reasons. One, it's almost impossible to get away from people. When you vacation, most times it's because you just want to chill. You spend time at work around people, getting to work around people, going to bars and such around tons of people. You just want to chill for a couple days away from go go go. The only people that really get to vacation that way are Richard Branson and other billionaires. They can fly to islands where they are COMPLETELY ALONE. If regular people go to an empty island, there's some sort of SARS outbreak.

"Come down to Aruba for 'Bird Flu Bonanza' Days! You'll have an entire villa to your self because every one on the island is fighting for their lives in the hospital! For just twelve dollars a night, you'll find out what it's like to vacation AND run your own hotel. Get your own towels, make your own food, check yourself in ALL while wearing a surgical mask! No lines at the bar. Nobody in the hot tub. Hell, you'll even have the airport to yourself! 'Bird Flu Bonanza' days. Come experience an apocalypse while you even out that tan.'

Billionaires can go to an empty island that is GORGEOUS, no SARS anywhere. If people did show up, they can deal with it. 

"Mr. Branson, a family of six just landed on the other end of the island."

"Well, have them murdered and fill this kiddie pool with their life blood. My children will bathe."

"...."

"Don't you give me that damn look, Benniford. Have. Them. MURDERED."

ANYwhere regular humans are going to go is packed. Even the plane on the way there. Just jammed.

"Ladies and gentleman, this flight is VERY full today. We do not have enough room for your luggage, so just throw it up front and we will have it incinerated for you. Also, if you could fuse your left and right leg together, we can squeeze one more cheese head with a neck pillow on board. Enjoy your trip to Have Fun Trying To Relax!"

Growing up, my mom REALLY wanted to take me and my Brother to Disneyland. Every time a commercial would come on for it, she'd say that if she won the lottery, the first thing she would do is take us there. Lottery was going to be the only way to do it. So, never went there as a kid. As an adult, with my friend working there, took the opportunity. Found out why lottery would be needed. It's expensive to take a family a lot of places, but definitely here. For a regular family, I'd guess it takes YEARS to save the money to take everyone to Disneyland. Just hours and hours of being kicked in the head at your job for five days of being cooked in the boiling sun while you wait an hour and a half for a minute and a half rollercoaster. 

"Weeeee! Weeee! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh.... Oh. Done. Huh. Well, that was cool."

"Cool? That was cool? I worked doubles for two years for you to go on this. It better be goddamn better than cool!"

As well as the expense of the parks, hotels in the area can be very expensive. If you want to stay at a Disney hotel, which I'm sure a lot of families want to to get a full Disney experience or whatever, some of these can be six hundred, seven hundred a night. A night. Just to have a place where your toothbrush and clothes won't be used by the homeless. I don't know much, but I do know that if I go on vacation and spend six hundred a night on a hotel, the hotel IS NOW the vacation. I'm not leaving that room. I'm using everything that's in there. Every towel, cup, drawer, blanket. I'll open and close the curtains for hours. I'll FINALLY read the bible. 

"Huh. Look at this. This Jesus guy was alright!"

Interesting to go to Disneyland. If Walt was alive today, he'd see almost the exact same amount of smiling kids and families as crying families going through a divorce right in front of Goofy. Trip is so stressful and expensive families are just breaking down.

"You know what? Fine. Take the kids! I don't care anymore! We're done!"

Then a father will walk away with Mickey ears bouncing on his head. One this trip I went on a gator tour that was sweet. Forty minutes outside of Orlando, on an airport, out with gators in gator country. This was great, but another reason that vacationing is hard is that a lot of people you meet on vacation try to fit where they're from into the weirdest things. People REALLY want you to know what town they're from.

"Hey everyone, look over there. Gator."

"Oh, gator! We don't have this kind of thing in Plastic Bag, North Dakota."

... Yeah, of course you don't. Most people don't. That's why were here. You think people that see gators all the time are on these tours? Or vacation around them? Just say where you're from if you have to. You don't have to jam it in.

"Ah, The Incredible Hulk rollercoaster. We don't have things like this in Touch Yourself, Illinois."

We know! There's one of these! It's here! That's it! Then you have a to have a conversation about it.

"Oh, you're from Dust Storm, Arkansas? Nice. Hear it's nice this time of... Ah, god! You and I both know I haven't heard of it. And you're gonna say, 'Of course you haven't', and laugh to yourself that no one knows about it. I get it!"

Vacationing is also hard because it's gonna take a couple days to REALLY decompress from your regular life. Day three you're really feeling it, and day six you're outta there. All vacations should be an extra couple of days. If you have a week, it should be ten days. First three, you're just put in a decompression chamber.

"Okay, so put your bathing suit on, and slide right into this dark tunnel. We'll wake you up and throw you on the beach. You'll have a full five days of chill time. Watch your frisbee. I'm gonna lock this up now."

I'm going to try to make sure it's not another five years before I take some time off. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

I bought a car for no real reason.

When I was 19, I bought a '93 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. Needed to. HAD to. Was his true? No. But for some reason, I got it into my head that I needed a car, so I bought one. This car specifically, needed to be bought as when I was a kid, my mom owned this type of car. Why did that matter? I don't know. But I wanted THIS car. This type of car. So I looked for one, and found it. Sixteen hundred dollars for this thing. Bought it. 

"Sixteen hundred dollars for a car that's twelve years old and that I don't need at all!? Sweet!"

I'll start from why I didn't need this thing. At the time I bought this car, I was living in my friends closet. True. I'll get into more of that story another time, but basically my last year of high school, I needed a place to stay. My friend asked his mom, and she agreed to let me stay there. Pretty crazy. So, I was sleeping in his closet. Not like closet, closet, but doors off, bed in closet, head in closet, closet. With that, I for sure didn't need a car. Getting my own place should have been a higher priority. Having my own room and a closet for clothes instead of sleeping should have been at the forefront. 

"Hey, man. You're staying at a friends. You gonna get your own place?"

"Meh, maybe. First I have to get an automobile, a PS2, and an outdoor pool. I figure that other thing out later."

Another reason I didn't need this car, was that I was actually working at my friends dads warehouse, and his dad picked us up everyday for work. Everyday. No problem at all getting there. And still, for some reason, I decided I needed this car. 

"Hey, you're buying a car. You need it to get to work and back?"

"No. Not at all. It's actually going to be way more of a hassle for me, but I'm doing it!"

I'm a stubborn weirdo sometimes, so when I got it into my head that I wanted and needed this car, I bought it. I found it in the paper, called the number, and went to the house to see it. It looked good, but this is coming from a nineteen year old who knows absolutely zero about cars and just wants to buy one. I saw it that night, drove it around the block, and loved it. It was still sixteen hundred dollars though, so I got nervous buying it. The woman called me the next day.

"So, you want to buy the car?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know if I have sixteen hundred right now."

"Well how much do you have? I trust you. Give me what you have now and give me and you can give me the rest later."

Right here I should have said, 'well that doesn't make sense. The car must be in terrible shape. Good day, lady.' But I didn't. I said, 'I'll take it!'

I pick up the car with my friend who's closet I was living in, and decided that the first song that came on the radio would be the cars song. That song, was The Hollies 'Long Cool Woman'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l0xpkk0yaQ

Which, thank jesus. It could have been ANYthing. Could have been 'Pictures' by Kid Rock. I like that song, but as a cars theme? 

"Alright, guys. Ready to get nuts? Let's start this road trip with the beast!"

*Presses tape into tape deck*

"I put your picture awaaaaay, sat down and cried todaaaaaay.'

"..... Can you take me home, Nathan? I'm feeling sad for some reason."

From then on, the car was referred to as the long cool woman. Which was great, because it's not small. It's a four door family sedan. I had so many ideas for this car. I wanted to lower it. I wanted to tint the windows and paint it black. I wanted to put rims on it. I was 19. I wanted to do all the stupid things that are done to cars. And I was still sleeping in a closet!

"Hey Nathan. You going to sign a lease on a new apartment so you don't have to wake up looking at clothes above your head?"

"Nope. Going to get spinners on this thing from the 90's. Who needs their own room? They spinning!"

This car, being from '93, only had a tape deck. So I bought a tape to discman converter, and velcroed a discman to my dashboard. Dead serious. When I wanted to change the CD, either the person in the passenger seat had to change it, or if I was alone, had to stretch over when I was stopped at a light to get some different songs going. At the time, most different songs meant Mike Jones. Don't care, I love Mike Jones, and I won't pretend that ASAP Rocky didn't take tons of sounds from him. Either way. I loved this car. Just loved it. But it didn't take long for it to start falling apart.

First, the power steering went. I went over a bump, and somehow that cut the power steering cord. Power steering fluid just poured out, and the steering wheel started to seize up. You ever drive a car without power steering? It's like driving a ship on land.

"Avast! Thar be the gas station. Start pullin er into the dock, we're gonna pillage the potato chip aisle. Yar!"

Another problem with this car that I couldn't know at the time I bought it, was that the gas gauge didn't work. It would only work up to half, and then below half you would have to guess at where you were at. This sucked MANY times. I never knew where I was gas wise. Playing Russian roulette with myself.

"Oh, man. How far can we go? It's below half! Way below or like a quarter tank? No damn idea! Turn that Mike Jones up!"

Twice I completely ran out of gas. Once was coming down a hill, and seriously and thankfully, at the bottom was a gas station. I was barely able to pull in there. Second time was on my way to work at 7 am. Pulling out of a parking lot, the car completely died on in the middle of the sidewalk. I was half way in the street, and half way in the parking lot. Had to call a friend to help me push it, then walk to a gas station to fill a can. This part of the car was never fixed.

Didn't know this either when I first bought it, but the brakes were complete trash. Going down a hill once, (most of the issues were on a hill) the brakes just started grinding. Sounded like metal on metal. I was with a friend and I went right to Canadian Tire. Best idea? No, but I was nineteen and clearly didn't care about money at all.

"You can buy these chips for two dollars."

"Here's five, keep it! I'm over paying on car repair, why not everything!"

I was with a friend of mine and told him that I would be alright with any price, as long as it wasn't a thousand dollars. Just then a Canadian Tire employee came out.

"Who owns the '93 cutlass?"

"That's me."

He sits down beside me, and said, 'It's going to cost you a thousand dollars to fix those brakes."

My friend thought was hilarious, started laughing and ran away. I told the guy that I didn't have that, and he said it would be minimum four hundred to fix it. So I paid him four hundred, they fixed the brakes, and me and my friend drove to the casino. I did not win that money back.

If I knew anything at all, when I was bought this car I would have checked the tires. Would have looked at them AT ALL. I didn't, and that came to bite me one day. The tires on this car, were bad. Bad bad. I was driving once, and a front tire exploded. Crazy because that day I had driven EVERYwhere. I had driven people home, I had been on a highway! Not where it popped though, thankfully, and seriously, happened on a side street while I was going down a slight hill. This car was not good on hills. 

"Where do you live? Down there? Can't do it in this chariot of bustedness. She can't handle going down."

I ended buying brand new tires, and the car felt great. At this point, I had put more into the car than it cost, and I still, in no way, needed this car. Brand new tires on a  car, and my bed was a broken futon in a closet. Ridiculous. 

"You have your own car? Sweet. Your place must be great."

"My place is someone else's place. And my room is a room in someone else's room.... Let's stay in the car."

At the end of the day, this car cost me thousands of dollars, with repairs and everything, and when I moved to Toronto I sold it for a thousand. Someone bought it for parts. I had had this car for about seven months. That's it. Seven months with the long cool woman. Still loved that car though, and even though I didn't need it, I'm happy I bought it. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh