How I Brought Down FutureShop.

Today, FutureShop, Canada's Best Buy which was bought by Best Buy in 2001, closed it's doors to either disappear into the night or, become Best Buy. I worked at FutureShop for about four months when I was 18. Honestly, I really wanted to work at this place. I thought at the time that it would be so cool to work around TV's and video games and such. It was for awhile, and then I started to single handedly bring the company down. How did I do this? Here's a list. 

Executive Lunches

Ah, the executive lunch. Took a whole hell of a lot of these. What is an executive lunch? It's what me and a few people working at FutureShop assumed the CEO's and such of the company were taking. Two, two and a half hour lunches. just brazen lunches in the middle of the day. There's was one guy specifically who always wanted to take these. We'd see each other at around 11am, walking the floor. One of us would always drop it.

"Executive?"

"Oh, buddy. I need an executive today. This place is kicking my ass."

We'd go for lunch at Pizza Delight across the street for their lunch buffet. That thing ran from noon to two. We'd crush the whole thing, then get dessert. Our lunches were supposed to be a half hour. If we took a peasant lunch, we'd get to pizza delight, order, and have to walk back across a highway and parking lot eating pizza like stupids. The executive allowed us to REALLY stretch out. 

I'm assuming the executive lunches cost the couple around ten grand. We took in enough lunches in four months that if broken down in half hours would last a year. 

Calling a guy named Dwayne 'Dwaaaaaaayyyynnnneee!' like Garth from Waynes World

I worked in the Home Theatre department with a guy named Dwayne. I would always say, "Dwaaaaaaayyyynne!" like Garth Algar. 

"Don't say my name like that."

"Okay.... Dwaaaayyyyynnnnneee!"

He really didn't like this, and it really made me laugh. Doing this on a daily basis probably cost the company at least ten bucks. Not exactly sure how, but it had to. 

Showing up late, leaving early

After awhile, I wasn't a fan of this place. I wasn't really into selling TV's and the full manager told me a couple times that I was an idiot. I was also 18, and didn't care at all about making a bunch of money. So, I started coming in late. Like, an hour here, two here. If I had an eight hour shift, sometimes I might actually be in the building for three hours then leave. One day I came in late, found out a TV that I sold the day before had been returned. You could check your numbers, and because of that TV return, I actually owed the company $2.36. OWED them money. I went home. Played Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. I was called once when doing this.

"Nathan, where are you?"

"Uhhh, I'm in the back. What's up?"

"Oh. Do you know where this thing is?"

And that was that. I hung up, and went back to Grand Theft Auto. Showing up late and leaving early probably cost the company seventy thousand dollars. These are all just projections. The same ones that they placed on us. 

Costing The Company Twenty Five Grand

I was at work one day, and the assistant manager came up to me. 

"Nathan, can I talk to you? Your numbers are down. You are supposed to have thirty thousand dollars worth of sales by this time in the month. You have five. That means you've cost the company twenty five thousand dollars. What are you going to do about it?"

I didn't really have an answer. I think I told her I would try harder? She told me to make TV stands. Instead of walking the floor, talking to the hero's that would come through, I sat in the home theatre department banging a hammer into some wood. 

Costing the company twenty five grand probably cost the company twenty five grand. 

Not selling big enough TV's

As I stated, I wasn't the best at selling TV's. Why? Honestly, I didn't really want to. I liked talking to people, so that's what I would do. 

"Hey, how are you?"

"Just looking."

"I'm just asking. What's up?"

Then we might talk about movies or whatever. I would tell people what they wanted to know about TV's, but I didn't want to pull the grease of pretending I cared, then talking them into the service plan, which was the only way I could really make money. One day someone came in, and asked how much the TV's on the wall cost. The TV's that were always on. The ones that were placed there the day the store opened and only shut off at night.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. How much?"

So, I go in the back where the manager was. He is back there, throwing a whistle Nerf ball back and forth with another manager. 

"Why do you want to know how much those cost? You're seriously selling that? Wow. What do you bring to this company, Nathan?"

(Whistle From The Nerf Ball)

Once he was done making a SWEET catch over a trash can, he, with his wisdom and expertise and everything else he brought to the company, told me the TV would be fifty bucks. I go back out and tell the customer, who says they'll take it. So I have to get a ladder, climb the top, unplug and dust off a tube TV that was on for at least five years straight, and struggle to bring it back down. Get it on the floor, and this criminal asks me something I'll never forget.

"Do you have the box for it?"

"Buddy, for fuck sake, of course not. I almost died getting this. Please just die." What I wanted to say. But didn't. I went and made this animal a box.

Getting this TV down, making a box and bothering the Nerf throwing Czar with a question probably cost the company a million dollars. THIS was the big one.

Obeying managers 'Don't Give Deals' slogans.

Managers always told us not to give deals to people. At first I thought this would never come up. But EVERYday. EVERY single day, people would come in and want deals. A lot of times over stupid thing.

"I'm buying this pack of gum. What can you do for me on this TV?"

I would tell people that we couldn't give deals. Wasn't allowed to happen. People would ask for my manager. I'd go cool, they're going to say the same thing I just said. I'd get my manager, and they would come over. 

"How can I help you, sir?"

"I'm buying this pack of Trident. I want a deal on this two thousand dollar TV."

"Hmmm. Tell you what. You buy two packs of gum, I'll give you the TV."

"Deal!"

So, in getting the manager to do something they told me not to do, I cost the company here at least a couple bucks. 

Raising My Arms Like A Winner Each Day I Was On The 'Lowest Sales' List

Every day that we would come in, the manager would read out who had the most sales the day before and who had the least. Every day, I was on the list of the least. 

"Okay, and again, for the LEAST amount of sales, is Nathan. Way to go, Nathan. Way to help the company."

I would raise my arms like I'd won the Intercontinental Title. Doing this made it look awesome to make the lowest sales list, so I'm sure some others did it. This would have cost the company hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

My Last Day

My last day at FutureShop was on New Years Eve. I was a seasonal worker, and at the end of this day they were going to let us know if they were keeping us on. I had been called an idiot, not that smart for a red head, I was always at the bottom of the sales list, and was executive lunch advocate. I wasn't going to be asked to stay on. I decided to take an executive walk out, and leave during the day. Before that, I was asking people what they wanted to pay for things. 

"Ah, man. I really want this DVD player. But it costs a bit much."

"How much you want to pay for it?"

"Eighty bucks?"

"Done."

"Really?! What about sixty?"

"Come on, man. Let's not get greedy."

I did that for a couple of hours, charged people what they wanted to pay for things. Then another guy and I decided to walk out and hit the casino. This day probably made the company money. Once I left, it might have been looking up except for today. Goodbye, old friend. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

I was expelled.

I was at one point, expelled from high school. I was told to leave the building for the rest of the year. Told to get out of every class, and the entire school. I was expelled in May. Less than 5 weeks before the end of the year. Expelled. What did I do? Did I threaten somebody? Did I come to school with a bag of kitana blades and hold up the cafeteria?

"Alright, that's it! Give me all the oatmeal chocolate chip muffins or I'm ninja-ing this whole place!"

Nope. I was expelled because I talk a lot. Well, on their side, I was expelled for disrupting class. Disrupting class at that time, with that vice principal, got me expelled. EXPELLED! Grade 12. And wasn't able to fight it. I had to go back the next year and do it again. I needed a bunch of credits. I don't seem like the type of person who would be expelled. Just to put it in perspective, another person who was expelled that year had maced a guy in the bathroom and stole his chain. THAT guy was expelled. AND me. For disrupting class. Not really the same thing. There was a guy that year who punched the vice principal in the face, did not get expelled. I brought that up to the vice principal when she was expelling me. She was PISSED about that.

'I'm being expelled? The guy who punched you must have been deported.'

She stood up, yelled, and slammed her desk. Is that a smart ass thing to say? Sure. Is it crazy that attacking people and talking are in the same wheel house? To me, yes. Here is more of the story. 

That year, I talked. This is what I did. I had a great time, left my shell that I was in before, and I talked to everyone. People liked me. Teachers liked me. Not all teachers, but most. Some, like my Canadian History teacher, were not fans of me. He really wasn't into me. I used to ask questions all the time. He would hand us a Canadian History textbook, tell us to read chapter four, then get into groups and answer the questions. So, if we're reading and answering questions among ourselves, what is this man doing? That didn't make sense to me.

'If we do that, what are you doing?'

'Just do it.'

The term 'Just Do It' might be cool for Nike, but in school I could not deal with it. I would ask tons of questions about it. Tons. Just do it is not an answer. So I would question this man, and he would kick me out. Kick me out of class. I'd go to the office, they'd say, 'what in the hell are you doing here again?'. and I would tell them what happened. They were not fans. But to me, I just couldn't understand why you weren't allowed to ask questions. Why not? Is this not a school? CAN QUESTIONS NOT BE ASKED?! Written in a Gladiator tone. And yes, I get it, asking a teacher, 'what are you doing?' could be deemed offensive, but this teacher would do this EVERY day. Get us to read a chapter, then get into groups and answer questions. You did this a bunch of weeks in a row, and you go, 'this guys doing nothing! He's not teaching us, we're teaching ourselves. What are we coming to this class for?'

My math teacher wasn't fond of me either. Why? Because I'm asking questions. That's just what I'm doing. One day she said we were doing quadratic functions. I asked when we would need these later in life. Her response?

'Just do them.'

Well, I couldn't do that. Couple more questions later, and I'm in the office. Couple more day of questions and now I'm doing math in the office for good. For good! Kicked out of the class and told to do my work in the office. Just insane. Put by myself like Hannibal Lector. 

'Woa. That kid is in a room alone having math work passed under his door to do. What'd he do? Bite someone's face?'

'No. He asked why we have to do quadratic functions.'

'AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh! Man that's horrifying. Glad this animal is locked up.'

So, at this point, I'm kicked out of math, and on last legs in Canadian history. Now, an interesting thing happens. One day in Canadian history, our teacher plays a movie. A movie, about Canadian History. That's as boring as it sounds for people from Canada. It's also made in Canada. If it was made by Michael Bay, it might have some kind of budget.

'Get into that birch bark canoe!'

BOOM!

'How the hell does birch bark explode!?'

BOOM!

'Now the maple syrup?!"

Anyway, the movie is on, and I put my head down on my desk. And has sometimes happens when you do that, I fell asleep. Slept through the whole thing. I woke up, and on my way out of class, the teacher calls me over to his desk. I'm thinking he's going to get mad at me for sleeping. Nope.

'Nathan, look at this piece of paper. This is how many times I counted you talking. 2:45, Nathan talking. 2:47, Nathan talking. 2:52, Nathan talking.' 

'Um, I'm not trying to be rude, but I wasn't talking, because I was sleeping.'

'Do you think I'm stupid? I know you were talking. Go to the office.'

So, I'm back in the office. I have to tell the vice principal that I was sent there for talking, which I wasn't doing because I was sleeping. And that was that. She expelled me. I asked her if I could speak to the principal. She said no. She was yelling at me in her office. Very loud. Then, opened the door, and became very calm. As she was walking me to the door, I said, 'I'm calling the principal, I'm calling the school board, and basically fuck you.' I was frustrated. In my head at the time, left no options. I went home, and called the school board. I told them my story, and they told me that she couldn't expell me for being kicked out of class, and that they would call her and call me back. About five minutes later, they called.

'Hi, Nathan. Did you swear at her?'

'Yes. I said fuck you, and that was be...'

'Well, it doesn't take much does it.'

'What do you mean?'

'There's nothing I can do for you.'

They hung up. I sat there very confused, until a few days later when a cop showed up to my door, asking me if Nathan Macintosh was home. 

'That's me.'

He looked at me like I was crazy.

'Well, I don't know what you did, but the vice principal is scared for her life. Said you threatened her. You have a peace bond on you. You can't go within two hundred feet of the school.'

'Are you kidding me?! I didn't threaten her! I said ...."

'Doesn't matter. That's what has happened.'

So, there I am. expelled from school, kicked out of a play that was nine days from that moment. I was sent the expulsion papers, and they said that I had threatened her, and that's why I wouldn't be allowed back. It also said that I was disruptive as I didn't have a father. This letter is one of my favourite possessions. 

This is a longer story short, but basically because I swore at her, she spun that into an actual reason to be expelled. I went back the next year, and graduated with honours. The vice principal had been promoted to principal of another school. I saw her a couple of years ago on a flight. She looked at me, had an acknowledging glint in her eye. Out of the deal, I got expulsion papers that I'll probably frame, and she got principal. We did it. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Taking gods name in vain.

Growing up, I remember once or twice people saying to not take the lords name in vain. Aunts maybe and people from church. My friends mom once when we were kids. But, that didn't stop people from doing it. Everyone. Kids, teachers, parents. The Maritimes is doing it. It happens. Not to say that some people don't follow lords name in vain, but you will hear a lot of people doing it. Just happens. I've heard all of these a million times.

'Jumping Jesus Christ!'

"God damn it!'

'Jeeeeeeesus!'

'For Christ sakes!'

'Oh for gooooooods sake.'

'Jesus Christ!'

'Christ.'

'Holy old fuck!'

Last ones not really name in vain, but still. Heard them a thousand times. Even the same people who would have said not to use it in vain, used it. So after awhile, you just do it. 

'God damn it.'

'Don't say the lords name in vain, god damn it!'

In recent years, I've been called on this twice by people who believe. Two separate people have made mention of me using the name in vain. To be clear, I am not religious. I don't believe there is a entity in the sky. Does that mean that I think people that do are wrong? No. Believe whatever you want. It's not hurting me. I looked up what it means to take the lord's name in vain. Found out it's a commandment! That should tell people where I'm coming from. I did not know that at all. 

'Do you know the commandments?'

'Think so. Don't steal. Don't sex a wife. Don't want something that a neighbour which is a strange one because what if he has something pretty kick ass.... That's all I got.'

'What about lords name in vain?'

'How do you promote this dude then?'

Doing shows recently in South Carolina, afterwards a couple came up, said they thought I was really funny, but their only critique was 'Don't say G D.' I had to honestly think for a second about what that was. And I can appreciate that they believe, but it is weird that you can tell someone you don't know what they should or shouldn't be saying based on how you live your life.  If I didn't like something someone said, if they're not a friend of mine, I wouldn't mention it at all. 

'Hey, great performance. That song was really great. One thing though. Does it have to be called 'The Pussy Police Are On Patrol'? The word 'Pussy' is just gross. What about 'The Vagina Vets Are On Vacation'? Either way, liked it, but that word. Ugh. We don't say that in our house.'

Why can't you say gods name? Does he need you to protect him like this? If I say it and it's bad, and you don't, I'm going to hell, so what do you care? People would say, 'I'm trying to save you.' Why? You want a person who's going to take the lords name in vain a million times walking around your heaven? You want to bring me in? Isn't god going to be angry about that?

'Are you kidding me? You saved this piece of trash? Do you realize that he JUST said, 'God damn! Look at this pearly gate!' I'm so disappointed in everyone I've made right now.'

Some people will say that you just can't do it. It's the lords name and it's a respect thing. Okay. So you respect your god. Good. I don't believe there is one. I would never sit you down and tell you that I don't think he's on a cloud and why you should change how you feel. Why is it okay to come to me with your feelings about your god? Strange thing about it is I bet if I was on stage and was like 'your moms a whore!' People would go, 'Funny how you called my mom out like that.' And they know their mom! But lords name in vain I guess can't happen because they have a special relationship with him. But again I say, what does that have to do with me? What does that have to do with my thoughts and beliefs? If you believe, just chuckle that I'll be killed by lightning one day by a god who hates people saying his name.

I truly don't understand either how saying his name, or god damn or whatever, is hurtful. I've looked it up. I've tried to understand. I just can't. There's no such thing as bad publicity, right? So then no matter how his name is brought up it should be a good thing. People are saying it.

Also, is saying god during sex taking his name in vain? Or is not because it's just you and someone else? Do two religious people call each other on that if it happens?

'Oh, wow. That was great. Just amazing.'

'Yeah.... Look. When I was behind you, you said G D. I love you and everything, but don't take the lords name in vain. ALMOST lost my hard on.'

'Are you kidding me? You know I believe. We go church together every Sunday!'

'Well, I don't know. It's hard to tell when you're all 'G D' this! And 'G D' that!'

'For Christ Sake, you were really giving it to me!'

'There! Again! Jesus! Can you ju...'

'YOU just did it! You did!'

'... This isn't working. I'm leaving. And I'm taking the jesus pictures.'

'Capitalize His name, for fuck sake!'

I'm not sure why an alright god needs you to protect his name. It's like a kitten protecting Floyd Mayweather. He doesn't need it. None of this makes sense to me. I don't really get it. And I suppose I'm not supposed to. Where I come from, it's not apart of me. And with that, I'm not walking around telling people what is wrong with them believing. Would never go up to someone and say something about that.

'You know, I wouldn't give my money to a person who says they have a relationship with a guy you can't see. I just wouldn't do it, okay? So, do what I do with my money. Because that's what I do. I mean, let's be serious. That dude in there has no relationship with god. None. You're giving him money, he spends it on himself. You think it will help you get to heaven, but that whole thing don't exist. Anyway, just my opinion based on what I believe and do with my own life. Keep walking the earth after this the way you do. The wrong way.'

Could I stand to swear less than I do sometimes? Sure. Do I consider god damn it to be swearing? I honestly don't. That's my own mentality and where I come from. If you believe differently, when you get up to heaven you can laugh about it with the big guy.

'See that poor piece of trash down there? Using your name in vain to illustrate a point in from of strangers.'

'Yep. I'll never let him up here. Hey, another game of cloud ping pong?'

'Thank Jesus I'm dead!'

'.... No... thank me.'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh