Colder than '21.

This isn't anything people don't already know. It has been crazy cold the last little while. The kind of cold where it doesn't make any sense to go do anything outside. The kind of cold where people stop fighting, there were eleven straight days of no murders in NY, serious. That happened. People in some small towns have had forty years straight of no murders, but NY went 11 days, and it was a story.

"Woa. Did you know that nobody has killed anybody else in the last couple hundred hours?"

"JESUS. It's gotta be cold out there."

Type of cold that every dog under ten pounds just hates your guts for showing them this trash. 

"This?! We're out in this?! Do you think I'm a snow leopard?! I'm a damn terrier! A TERRIER! You take me out and leave the cat in? I see how this trash works."

It's cold enough that they've started telling us that it's the coldest it's been in eighty years, or a hundred years, or a thousand years. Cold enough that it's breaking records from times when this kind of cold must have just MURDERED people. 

"Alright, well, we need wood for a fire, or we're all gonna die. But to get wood, we have to go outside, where we will all die."

"... So, do we die in here together, or die one by one out there trying to get wood?"

"Good question. I was thinking that some of us could stay here and die, and the rest of us could probably die trying to get wood?"

"Hey, if you guys go out, can you get some peppermint?"

"Gary! This is serious!"

It's interesting to me that when it does get this cold, or when it's so hot it's breaking records, people will say that it's because of global warming. 

"This is happening because we are burning too many fossil fuels! We're destroying the earth with our garbage! It hasn't been this bad since the '20's."

What in the hell was going on in the '20's? What terrible villain was burning oil and driving cars at the rate we are today?

"Muah hahhahahah! I know how I'll take over the planet! I'll all of the four hundred cars at the same time!"

"Mr. Villain, no!"

"That's MISTER Mr. Villain to you! Just try to stop me! I'm driving this one around and starting all the others I see! It'll take a couple of weeks because this thing is not that fast and can't corner well bu... NONE of that matter! Get ready for extreme heat and cold!"

It's cold enough that you bundle up. That's it. just do it. But there are some among us who seem to be immune to this cold. Who seem to not be affected by the frigid temperatures and offensive winds. They seem to be immune because while the rest of us are hunched over, breathing directly into the ground while wearing everything we own, this animals are walking around with their jackets wide open. 

"You guys are cold? Crazy. I was gonna hit the beach. Anybody in?"

This is not the time for vanity. This is not the time to just wear a scarf and act as if you are not cold. You KNOW you are cold. You know it! Even if you are from some frozen tundra where EVERY single day is a thousand degrees below, and you grew up under water that was constantly having ice poured into it, you KNOW you are cold.

"Oh this? This is nothing. It used to get colder than this in my ice bed at the bottom of 'Snow Death' mountain."

No. You are cold. Just stop it and zip your coat up. I saw a guy the other night walking in a t-shirt. I've never wanted to fight someone more. Just crack this dude in the head. Get a jacket! There's no excuse for this. Get some gloves! Or put socks on your hands! Get a boot! Where socks for god sake! Get serious. There isn't too much more of this left, but for this short amount of time, JESUS, put a sweater on. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh.com

Don't lean your seat back on a plane or bus.

We get it, you deserve to be in first class. You're not supposed to be back here with these commoners. These peasants. You're a king! A queen! They must have made a mistake with your ticket.

“Economy class? No, no, no, no. That's not right. I mean, I know I BOOKED an economy class ticket, but that's not where I'm supposed to be. Look at me! I'm gorgeous! I have a leather jacket on! My hair is done! I'm reading a People Magazine! This can't be! Well, if I HAVE to sit back here, I'll ACT as if I'm in first class. Seat, like Fat Joe says, lean back!”

Look, we ALL wish we were up there. We all see the perks as we kick our bags through the section to the back of this tube. Your own armrest. Drinks the entire flight. Not having to put your knees in the seat pocket in front of you.

“Umm, this may sound strange, but I found knee caps in this pouch?”

“Hmmm. Must have been from the last person who flew in that seat. They did drag themselves out of here by their arms screaming and crying the whole way. Do you want me to throw them out so you can place yours there? Or do you want to hand me your knees and place them in the overhead bin?”

We ALL want more room, but guess what - in economy, we don't have it.We are in the back of this plane, smashed together like the luggage we are sitting above. And like that luggage underneath, for christ sake we have to work together on this flight. So DO NOT lean your seat back.

When you lean your seat back, you are saying to the person behind you, 'Hey, dirt bag, do I care that your legs already don't fit? Do I care at all that my chair is your table, and when I lean it back your bagel and coffee could pour into your lap? No. No I don't. So suck me, bud. Here comes that crotch coffee!'

To continue to be a good person on this planet, we all have to understand that we are all flying through the sky TOGETHER. Unless you own a plane or you're Richard Branson or a new music artist who thinks the money will never stop, you are flying with other people. And with that, we have to do what is good for everyone. You leaning your seat back helps you. It helps you and slowly kills the people behind you. If you're driving in a two door car in the front seat and someone has to get in the back, what would a human being do? The human being in the front seat would say, 'Hey person in the back seat, do you need some more room?' What would a horrible monster of a person do? Just jam their seat back, ask no questions, and ignore the screams of pain from the person in the back seat.

“What? Your legs are bleeding? Man, this song sure is great, huh? Woooooo!”

Leaning your seat back makes everyone have to lean their seat back. You give them no option. If you lean yours back and the person behind you doesn't, then they are going to be taking a bite of your seat.

“Would you like a complimentary snack, sir?”

“Nope. All good. I really have a hunk of this leather going right now. Hopefully this guy leans back farther so I can get a bite of his seat belt. Mmm hmmm, this seat is good. What year is this? '86?”

And in all seriousness, is leaning it back helping you in anyway? So you get another degree of arch in your back. Good. Comfortable now, huh? Just like your bed at home. Just like your favourite chair.

“I can't wait to get home and relax. I'm gonna lean my Lazy Boy back a sweet and sexy two centimetres. Upright is so uncomfortable. Scarily close to upright is where the real action is. THAT'S how you really relax. Right near the edge of upright.”

We want to lean our seats back because we can. It's part of the package. We paid for these seats and lord knows were not getting that much from it. I'm sure soon they'll even charge you to do that.

“Excuse me. Something seems to be wrong with my seat. It won't lean back.”

“Oh, you just have to insert your credit card here and then follow the prompts to...”

“Wait, my credit card?”

“Yes, sir. It's $3.99 to put your seat back. Next year we're going to be charging $5 for passengers to be allowed to put their feet on the floor.”

I get it. So, if you can't adhere to this rule, and have to lean your seat back, at LEAST look behind you first. Don't just lean it back without looking. Do you just throw yourself out of your drive way without glancing in the mirror?

“All right. The car is warmed up. I have GOT to get to the grocery store RIGHT NOW, so no need for the mirror. Just put this in reverse and punch it! ...All right. Only hit one dog. And it wasn't my fault because I didn't see it!”

There is a person behind you! Check to see what the hell they are doing before you just throw your head back. You could be crushing a laptop screen! You could be throwing eggs into their chest! You could be jamming eyeliner into their eye! It will not kill you to turn around. Even to ask. Bet nine times out of ten people will say that it's cool, even though it's taken up their space.

“Yo, you care if I put my seat back in your face, leaving you with only a couple of inches to breath and generally move, so that I can be slightly more comfortable and you can be infinitely less comfortable?'

“....Sure, no problem.”

twitter @nathanmacintosh