Taking gods name in vain.

Growing up, I remember once or twice people saying to not take the lords name in vain. Aunts maybe and people from church. My friends mom once when we were kids. But, that didn't stop people from doing it. Everyone. Kids, teachers, parents. The Maritimes is doing it. It happens. Not to say that some people don't follow lords name in vain, but you will hear a lot of people doing it. Just happens. I've heard all of these a million times.

'Jumping Jesus Christ!'

"God damn it!'

'Jeeeeeeesus!'

'For Christ sakes!'

'Oh for gooooooods sake.'

'Jesus Christ!'

'Christ.'

'Holy old fuck!'

Last ones not really name in vain, but still. Heard them a thousand times. Even the same people who would have said not to use it in vain, used it. So after awhile, you just do it. 

'God damn it.'

'Don't say the lords name in vain, god damn it!'

In recent years, I've been called on this twice by people who believe. Two separate people have made mention of me using the name in vain. To be clear, I am not religious. I don't believe there is a entity in the sky. Does that mean that I think people that do are wrong? No. Believe whatever you want. It's not hurting me. I looked up what it means to take the lord's name in vain. Found out it's a commandment! That should tell people where I'm coming from. I did not know that at all. 

'Do you know the commandments?'

'Think so. Don't steal. Don't sex a wife. Don't want something that a neighbour which is a strange one because what if he has something pretty kick ass.... That's all I got.'

'What about lords name in vain?'

'How do you promote this dude then?'

Doing shows recently in South Carolina, afterwards a couple came up, said they thought I was really funny, but their only critique was 'Don't say G D.' I had to honestly think for a second about what that was. And I can appreciate that they believe, but it is weird that you can tell someone you don't know what they should or shouldn't be saying based on how you live your life.  If I didn't like something someone said, if they're not a friend of mine, I wouldn't mention it at all. 

'Hey, great performance. That song was really great. One thing though. Does it have to be called 'The Pussy Police Are On Patrol'? The word 'Pussy' is just gross. What about 'The Vagina Vets Are On Vacation'? Either way, liked it, but that word. Ugh. We don't say that in our house.'

Why can't you say gods name? Does he need you to protect him like this? If I say it and it's bad, and you don't, I'm going to hell, so what do you care? People would say, 'I'm trying to save you.' Why? You want a person who's going to take the lords name in vain a million times walking around your heaven? You want to bring me in? Isn't god going to be angry about that?

'Are you kidding me? You saved this piece of trash? Do you realize that he JUST said, 'God damn! Look at this pearly gate!' I'm so disappointed in everyone I've made right now.'

Some people will say that you just can't do it. It's the lords name and it's a respect thing. Okay. So you respect your god. Good. I don't believe there is one. I would never sit you down and tell you that I don't think he's on a cloud and why you should change how you feel. Why is it okay to come to me with your feelings about your god? Strange thing about it is I bet if I was on stage and was like 'your moms a whore!' People would go, 'Funny how you called my mom out like that.' And they know their mom! But lords name in vain I guess can't happen because they have a special relationship with him. But again I say, what does that have to do with me? What does that have to do with my thoughts and beliefs? If you believe, just chuckle that I'll be killed by lightning one day by a god who hates people saying his name.

I truly don't understand either how saying his name, or god damn or whatever, is hurtful. I've looked it up. I've tried to understand. I just can't. There's no such thing as bad publicity, right? So then no matter how his name is brought up it should be a good thing. People are saying it.

Also, is saying god during sex taking his name in vain? Or is not because it's just you and someone else? Do two religious people call each other on that if it happens?

'Oh, wow. That was great. Just amazing.'

'Yeah.... Look. When I was behind you, you said G D. I love you and everything, but don't take the lords name in vain. ALMOST lost my hard on.'

'Are you kidding me? You know I believe. We go church together every Sunday!'

'Well, I don't know. It's hard to tell when you're all 'G D' this! And 'G D' that!'

'For Christ Sake, you were really giving it to me!'

'There! Again! Jesus! Can you ju...'

'YOU just did it! You did!'

'... This isn't working. I'm leaving. And I'm taking the jesus pictures.'

'Capitalize His name, for fuck sake!'

I'm not sure why an alright god needs you to protect his name. It's like a kitten protecting Floyd Mayweather. He doesn't need it. None of this makes sense to me. I don't really get it. And I suppose I'm not supposed to. Where I come from, it's not apart of me. And with that, I'm not walking around telling people what is wrong with them believing. Would never go up to someone and say something about that.

'You know, I wouldn't give my money to a person who says they have a relationship with a guy you can't see. I just wouldn't do it, okay? So, do what I do with my money. Because that's what I do. I mean, let's be serious. That dude in there has no relationship with god. None. You're giving him money, he spends it on himself. You think it will help you get to heaven, but that whole thing don't exist. Anyway, just my opinion based on what I believe and do with my own life. Keep walking the earth after this the way you do. The wrong way.'

Could I stand to swear less than I do sometimes? Sure. Do I consider god damn it to be swearing? I honestly don't. That's my own mentality and where I come from. If you believe differently, when you get up to heaven you can laugh about it with the big guy.

'See that poor piece of trash down there? Using your name in vain to illustrate a point in from of strangers.'

'Yep. I'll never let him up here. Hey, another game of cloud ping pong?'

'Thank Jesus I'm dead!'

'.... No... thank me.'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Colder than '21.

This isn't anything people don't already know. It has been crazy cold the last little while. The kind of cold where it doesn't make any sense to go do anything outside. The kind of cold where people stop fighting, there were eleven straight days of no murders in NY, serious. That happened. People in some small towns have had forty years straight of no murders, but NY went 11 days, and it was a story.

"Woa. Did you know that nobody has killed anybody else in the last couple hundred hours?"

"JESUS. It's gotta be cold out there."

Type of cold that every dog under ten pounds just hates your guts for showing them this trash. 

"This?! We're out in this?! Do you think I'm a snow leopard?! I'm a damn terrier! A TERRIER! You take me out and leave the cat in? I see how this trash works."

It's cold enough that they've started telling us that it's the coldest it's been in eighty years, or a hundred years, or a thousand years. Cold enough that it's breaking records from times when this kind of cold must have just MURDERED people. 

"Alright, well, we need wood for a fire, or we're all gonna die. But to get wood, we have to go outside, where we will all die."

"... So, do we die in here together, or die one by one out there trying to get wood?"

"Good question. I was thinking that some of us could stay here and die, and the rest of us could probably die trying to get wood?"

"Hey, if you guys go out, can you get some peppermint?"

"Gary! This is serious!"

It's interesting to me that when it does get this cold, or when it's so hot it's breaking records, people will say that it's because of global warming. 

"This is happening because we are burning too many fossil fuels! We're destroying the earth with our garbage! It hasn't been this bad since the '20's."

What in the hell was going on in the '20's? What terrible villain was burning oil and driving cars at the rate we are today?

"Muah hahhahahah! I know how I'll take over the planet! I'll all of the four hundred cars at the same time!"

"Mr. Villain, no!"

"That's MISTER Mr. Villain to you! Just try to stop me! I'm driving this one around and starting all the others I see! It'll take a couple of weeks because this thing is not that fast and can't corner well bu... NONE of that matter! Get ready for extreme heat and cold!"

It's cold enough that you bundle up. That's it. just do it. But there are some among us who seem to be immune to this cold. Who seem to not be affected by the frigid temperatures and offensive winds. They seem to be immune because while the rest of us are hunched over, breathing directly into the ground while wearing everything we own, this animals are walking around with their jackets wide open. 

"You guys are cold? Crazy. I was gonna hit the beach. Anybody in?"

This is not the time for vanity. This is not the time to just wear a scarf and act as if you are not cold. You KNOW you are cold. You know it! Even if you are from some frozen tundra where EVERY single day is a thousand degrees below, and you grew up under water that was constantly having ice poured into it, you KNOW you are cold.

"Oh this? This is nothing. It used to get colder than this in my ice bed at the bottom of 'Snow Death' mountain."

No. You are cold. Just stop it and zip your coat up. I saw a guy the other night walking in a t-shirt. I've never wanted to fight someone more. Just crack this dude in the head. Get a jacket! There's no excuse for this. Get some gloves! Or put socks on your hands! Get a boot! Where socks for god sake! Get serious. There isn't too much more of this left, but for this short amount of time, JESUS, put a sweater on. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh.com