Video game generation.

I have had a lot of video game systems since I was a kid. Atari, original Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, Original Playstation, Playstation 2, and now the Playstation 3. Thinking now about getting the PS4. All started on the Atari. Atari! Holding sticks in my hand playing some game that was supposed to be set in space, but was a couple of dots shooting dots at other dots. Or a game where you are a soldier, and you control a dot that shoots dots at other soldier dots. I'm now an adult, and I'm supposed to not play video games. They take up time, people get addicted and play them until they can't blink. But, I'm not giving them up. I don't play them nearly as much as I have at points in my life, but I'm still playing them. I'm in the generation that video games were completely made for. These were made for me! It would almost be the same as people who were kids when the Wright Brothers invented the plane just refused to go on.

"Naw, I'm not doing it. I'm grown up, for god sake. I'll walk."

Since I've been playing them for so long, some of the best memories I have come from video games.  Anyone who played video games in the 90's got caught up for a long, long time with Goldeneye. Goldeneye is pretty much the Breaking Bad of video games. You HAD to play it. EVERYone was playing it. This was THE game. I could talk for awhile about all the times I played this game with a bunch of people, so much fun. But, I'll tell a stranger story. In junior high, in which class I can't remember, there was a guy who used to pick on me. Nothing crazy. He would just chirp me and make fun of  me for doing my work and junk. I was a really quiet kid, who did all of his work. BIG wiener in Junior High where everyone was talking about drugs and sex.

"Yeah, man. Smoked some weed this weekend and got a handjob."

"Oh, cool.... Did you finish your Social Studies project?"

"Get outta my face, cuz."

One day in class, this bully was telling someone that he couldn't get one of the cheat codes in Goldeneye. That it was impossible. To get the cheat codes in Goldeneye, you had to unlock them by beating levels under certain time limits on certain difficulties. This one, which I'm pretty sure gave you invisibility, was beating a level where you start with no gun, in under a minute and twenty seconds, on the hardest difficulty. 

"It's impossible, man. Impossible. No way anyone can do that."

Well, I had done that shit. Why? Video games don't beat me. So, I said that I beat it.

"No way. You didn't beat that."

"I did."

"Alright. Come to my house and beat it. And if you're lying? You're fucked."

This isn't what I was hoping for. I just had to tell these people I'd beat it. But now, I'm in a situation. Refuse to go to this guys house, maybe get hurt. GO to his house, don't beat it, maybe get hurt. So, I went. The whole way he's talking trash. Saying that I can't do it and he's gonna mess me up. Get there, and start playing. That cheat code isn't the easiest thing in the world to get, so it took a couple tries, with him sitting beside me. Chirping me.

"You better beat it, man. You better do it."

Then, I beat it.

"Yooooooo! You beat it! That's insane."

After that, me and that guy were friends for the next 6 years straight. 

One Christmas a couple of years ago, my brother brought a Nintendo Wii to our moms house. On it he had a few Super Nintendo games downloaded. One was Contra 3: The Alien Wars. We used to own this game when we were kids. It was pretty hard. For no reason at all, my brother said, 'I bet you can't beat it on hard.'  Like I said, video games don't beat me. So I said, let's do it. Put the game on hard. Man. Got killed a thousand times. But I sat in this room for about four- five hours playing this thing. Getting closer each time. My brother would come in and out, poking his head in.

"Did you beat it?"

"God dammit! Jesus! Get out!"

Took me forever to beat this thing. But finally did it. The last level of this game on hard is insane. The entire screen is just things being thrown at you. There's a big brain blob thing for a final boss that had all these different attacks. I beat it. Put the controller down. But on hard, this thing comes back. Picked the controller back up quick, and beat it again. Told my brother to come see. All that happens when you beat this game is a general comes on the screen, and gives you a thumbs up. That's it? I stopped aliens from taking over earth! You can't give me a house? Or a million dollars? Or say I don't have to pay tax anymore? Just a thumbs up. Wow. My Contra dude will be able to use that to buy groceries. 

Grand Theft Autos have always been amazing. The first one, at the time, was nuts. Steal cars and shoot stuff? Even though it was a kind of ugly, top down game, it was amazing. Myself and my brother at the time used to talk about how great it would be if there was a third person version. 

"Imagine if they made one of these like Mario 64? Like if Mario could get a gun and rob these toadstools of their cars?"

The first time I ever saw the Nintendo 64, I lost my mind. 3D Mario game? Are you insane? He can swim and punch? Craziest thing I'd seen up to then. Loved that system. Got it one year for Christmas, and played it all day. Then, a game called Turok: Dinosaur Hunter came out. This game you were a Native American dude named Turok, who had ridiculous guns and shot dinosaurs. Serious. I don't know what the hell this was about, but it was great. Rented this game, and played it forever. Like, stopped going to school that week forever. Grade 7 I think it was. A friend of mine used to come to my house every morning, and we'd walk to school together. This whole week, he'd come by, and I'd say I wasn't coming. One day he came, it was snowing and freezing outside.

"Come on, man. Come to school. You're missing a ton of stuff."

I looked at him, wearing a scarf and boots, behind him just blowing snow and freezing cold. I turned around, looked at my warm room and Turok holding some kind of ray gun, and just slowly closed the door in his face. I loved that game. 

When I was in grade four/ five, my brother was in grade two/three, every Friday, when our mom would come pick us up from school, she would take us to Blockbuster to rent a game for the weekend. Those trips were great. Me and my brother looking at games, trying to find stuff that was either two players, or something that we could go back and forth on. Most times we agreed on stuff, but I always liked racing games. He hated them. 

"Let's get this."

"It's a racing game. That's so stupid. Same thing over and over."

"You guys better pick something quick! I'm renting The Fugitive and want to get home to watch Melrose Place!" 

"One sec!"

We argued sometimes, but mostly me and my brother would agree. Get a game and play it for the weekend. Or sometimes, rent a game, and just hate it. Play it for about an hour, then come out to the living room where our mom would be watching Melrose Place or whatever else the 90's had.

"What are you guys doing? You're not playing that game?"

"It's terrible. We can't."

"I paid money for the game! Go play it right now before I take the system!"

When our mom would spend money on a game, we had to play it. Sometimes, this SUCKED, but still, video games are great, and I won't stop playing them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Fringe people. Do they get gifts?

Christmas time! That means presents and gifts for people you really know, and maybe some for some you don't. Who do you get gifts for? Everyone you know? Only people that have been to your house? It's hard to tell. Here is a list of fringe people in your life and whether you should get gifts for them. 

Person at work you want to sex.

Do you get them a gift? Everyday they walk through the office and you want to blow them. So does that mean they get a gift? If you've never slept with them, this could be a way in. But even better, don't get them anything. You know who people want to have sex with? People who they think hate them. 

A guy you work with who tells you racist jokes.

I mean, this guy is always on. Always on racist jokes, but still. They are always racist. Does this guy need a gift? He's made you laugh a couple of times. He has great thoughts about polish people and black people walking into the same bar. But no, this human does not need anything from you.  Around this time of year, just laugh extra hard at these dumb jokes in lieu of a gift. That's all he wants anyway. You could even tell him a joke in his style.

"A racist man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a gift. The bartender says, 'Stop telling these ridiculous jokes, Barry! It's 2014!"

Your girlfriends best friend.

No. 

Dad of a guy you met five times.

This one is tough. You met a guy five times. But, you liked him. You'd like to hang out with him more. How do you do that? You can't give him a gift. You only met him five times! That's insanity. So, get his dad a gift. Yeah! Dads don't get a lot of gifts as it is. Also, the guy you met five times will appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to hunt down his dads address, break into his house and find out what size his shirt is, and get him a shirt! You'll be hanging out with that guy for the sixth time, and his dad will  be shocked by a gift from a human he doesn't know. 

You're a man. A best friends wife.

Can you just get her a gift for her alone? Well, no. Not unless you are trying to steal her away from your best friend. Not unless you are secretly doing the Christmas Secret Santa stocking stuffer under the tree sex dance. If you are not, you have to get her and him a together gift, and give it to them while they are together. Or just mail it to them or whatever. But gift for her alone and given to her alone? You are not a good person. You are a demon who can not be trusted around anyone's partner. 

The cashier you see every week grocery shopping.

You two have a repoire. You have over twelve items? She waves you in anyway. You don't have your points card for the discounts and sales? She gives them to you anyway. So, Christmas time, do you give them a gift? No. For gods sake. Of course not. This is a CASHIER, at a place that you SHOP. Is it your mom? Your sister? Somebody at work that you want to do the Christmas wrapping pantsless eggnog dance with? Then no. You want others to see you handing a gift to a cashier? Your funeral, bud. Your funeral.

Jesus Christ. Lord and Saviour. 

The whole day is supposed to be celebrating him. He died for our sins, and was born on Christmas so that we could all wear sweatpants and go buy popcorn in the theatre. So, do you get Jesus a gift? First, what do you get the man who has everything? Do you get him anything anyway? Answer is... no. What an ignorant thing to get Jesus a gift. He's the son of god! You work at Wal- mart! He needs something from you? Please. He can turn water into wine. He doesn't need your chotchkies. Also, how do you get it to him? Leave it at a church? Throw it into the sky? Just calm down. He's fine without the 'Don't Pray To Me Before I've Had My Morning Coffee' mug.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Jurassic World. Trailer. Pratt chest.

I love the first Jurassic Park. To me, it's one of the best movies to come out. I was in love with dinosaurs as is when I was a kid, then this movie came out when I was about nine, and I loved it. My mom took me and my brother to see it five times in theatres. I used to look out the back window of the car on the way home and picture a T- Rex chasing us. The second Jurassic Park, I'm not a big fan of. The third one I like more, but still, not a big fan of. For the last few years I've heard that another one was coming. Last week a trailer for it, 'Jurassic World', was released. Some thoughts. 

One of the scenes shows Chris Pratt coming off of an elevator. He's dressed like one of the Smoking Guns from 90's wrestling. He looks like Billy and Barts long lost cousin. Which is fitting, because he's also jacked. And does that vest fit? Barely. It's tight enough that it could worn by a stripper in texas.

"Hey, Platinum! Get your ass up, put this vest on and go shake in front of these people! I don't pay you to sit back here and drink Pepsi. Technically, I don't pay you at all. They do! And they don't throw dollar bills at you some times to sit back here and drink Pepsi. Get out there!"

Why in the hell is Chris Pratt so big in this movie? Does he fight the dinosaurs? Is that part of the Jurassic World tour?

"Alright, ladies and gentleman. You thought that raptor was something, check this out! Chris Pratt mud wrestling a Triceratops! Whose gonna win? Get serious, look at Chris Pratts chest!"

No reason to have a man looking this big in this movie. No regular looking people, huh? Newman was in the first Jurassic Park for god sake. In this one him and people like him are probably fed to the dinosaurs.  

"And here, we feed the dinosaurs."

"What do you feed them?"

"Oh. We feed them people that are not good enough for movies these days. The big and the ugly. If you are big but funny, we'll let you out... maybe. But ugly? Not here. Not today. Good day, uglies! Enjoy dino stomach!"

Chris Pratt is huge in this movie. Huge. He looks like Donkey Kong in this vest. Someone has to be that big? The only possible jobs Chris Pratt could have on the island are dinosaur wrestler, dinosaur eater, or dinosaur bar bouncer. If there's a bar on the island that only dinosaurs drink at, and Chris is the bouncer there.

"Alright, T-Rex. You've had enough to drink."

"Rooooaaarrrr!"

"Hey! What did I tell you! Hit the bricks, buddy. You're outta here!"

The story for Jurassic World is that they made a dinosaur that didn't exist before. They put two different types of DNA together, made a dinosaur that didn't exist, and of course, it breaks loose. Why would they make up another dinosaur? They just made up a dinosaur that didn't exist for this movie? What is wrong with real ones? People were just tired of that?

"God, ANOTHER movie about big scary dinosaurs that attack people? Jesus. How many more times can we see this? What about a Were- dinosaur? A Stega-vampire? A Zombie- Rex? Not just another BORING dinosaur."

I mean sure, the premise of the movie a bit crazy anyway. Bringing dinosaurs back with their own DNA from mosquitos found in tree sap. Sure. You have to go along with that one a bit as is.  But, if you're going to bring back dinosaurs, there are a lot of dinosaurs that are scary enough and cool enough to bring back. They. Are. Dinosaurs. Any of them chasing you wouldn't be good. Nobodies gonna be cool with any of them.

"Woa! A dino... oh. It's just you, Ankylosaur. You scared me for a minute. I thought it was one of your bigger friends. But if it was, you wouldn't be here right! They would have eaten you right away. Alright, come here. Let me pet you. There you go, little ankylosaur. Who likes rubs behind the scales? Who? Who does? Little ankylosaur does."

There also looks like there is so much CGI in this movie. No real dinosaurs. None. In the first Jurassic Park, they made dinosaurs. They could be touched. Sam Neil was looking at a T- rex! Now, nothing is made. It's all computer generated.

"Hey, we're making a new Jurassic Park. Where are the people who made the dinosaurs in the first one?"

"I can get them on the phone."

"Good. Get them on the phone and tell them to go to hell. We don't need them at all. They are garbage. Tell them. Tell them!"

The gate is not even real! The Jurassic Park gate in this trailer is CGI! That thing is just wood! You don't have to do anything crazy to get wood. Nobody is saying that you could ACTUALLY reanimate a real dinosaur, but nailing a couple of pieces of wood together with the words 'Jurassic World' over top? They have that in Orlando right now. 

"Wow! Look at this ride! They have the Jurassic Park sign."

"No way, man. That can't be real. That's impossible. Touch it. Guaranteed it's fake. You can't put wood together. Impossible."

I'm three movies deep in a soon to be four movie franchise, so I'm pot committed on this thing, but man, I really wish we could keep making movies look as good as they did in the 80's and 90's. Why do we want to see nothing? Watch people standing in front of screens that we add things to? Most movies are done with green screen now. It's a person standing in an empty warehouse, pretending that things are happening around them.

"Okay, now you're in a jungle, and there are snakes all around you."

"No. I'm in a janitors closet, and there is nothing around me."

"Okay, jesus. Can you be an actor for one minute? There are snakes around you. One of them keeps sneezing. Can you handle that?"

"Yeah. Sure. Okay. One keeps sneezing. So I'll just writher on the floor here?"

"Jesus. I just told you. JUNGLE. You are in the JUNGLE. So, can you PLEASE be an actor now?"

It'd be nice to see a made dinosaur again. Have to watch the old ones for that. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh