Jurassic World. Trailer. Pratt chest.

I love the first Jurassic Park. To me, it's one of the best movies to come out. I was in love with dinosaurs as is when I was a kid, then this movie came out when I was about nine, and I loved it. My mom took me and my brother to see it five times in theatres. I used to look out the back window of the car on the way home and picture a T- Rex chasing us. The second Jurassic Park, I'm not a big fan of. The third one I like more, but still, not a big fan of. For the last few years I've heard that another one was coming. Last week a trailer for it, 'Jurassic World', was released. Some thoughts. 

One of the scenes shows Chris Pratt coming off of an elevator. He's dressed like one of the Smoking Guns from 90's wrestling. He looks like Billy and Barts long lost cousin. Which is fitting, because he's also jacked. And does that vest fit? Barely. It's tight enough that it could worn by a stripper in texas.

"Hey, Platinum! Get your ass up, put this vest on and go shake in front of these people! I don't pay you to sit back here and drink Pepsi. Technically, I don't pay you at all. They do! And they don't throw dollar bills at you some times to sit back here and drink Pepsi. Get out there!"

Why in the hell is Chris Pratt so big in this movie? Does he fight the dinosaurs? Is that part of the Jurassic World tour?

"Alright, ladies and gentleman. You thought that raptor was something, check this out! Chris Pratt mud wrestling a Triceratops! Whose gonna win? Get serious, look at Chris Pratts chest!"

No reason to have a man looking this big in this movie. No regular looking people, huh? Newman was in the first Jurassic Park for god sake. In this one him and people like him are probably fed to the dinosaurs.  

"And here, we feed the dinosaurs."

"What do you feed them?"

"Oh. We feed them people that are not good enough for movies these days. The big and the ugly. If you are big but funny, we'll let you out... maybe. But ugly? Not here. Not today. Good day, uglies! Enjoy dino stomach!"

Chris Pratt is huge in this movie. Huge. He looks like Donkey Kong in this vest. Someone has to be that big? The only possible jobs Chris Pratt could have on the island are dinosaur wrestler, dinosaur eater, or dinosaur bar bouncer. If there's a bar on the island that only dinosaurs drink at, and Chris is the bouncer there.

"Alright, T-Rex. You've had enough to drink."

"Rooooaaarrrr!"

"Hey! What did I tell you! Hit the bricks, buddy. You're outta here!"

The story for Jurassic World is that they made a dinosaur that didn't exist before. They put two different types of DNA together, made a dinosaur that didn't exist, and of course, it breaks loose. Why would they make up another dinosaur? They just made up a dinosaur that didn't exist for this movie? What is wrong with real ones? People were just tired of that?

"God, ANOTHER movie about big scary dinosaurs that attack people? Jesus. How many more times can we see this? What about a Were- dinosaur? A Stega-vampire? A Zombie- Rex? Not just another BORING dinosaur."

I mean sure, the premise of the movie a bit crazy anyway. Bringing dinosaurs back with their own DNA from mosquitos found in tree sap. Sure. You have to go along with that one a bit as is.  But, if you're going to bring back dinosaurs, there are a lot of dinosaurs that are scary enough and cool enough to bring back. They. Are. Dinosaurs. Any of them chasing you wouldn't be good. Nobodies gonna be cool with any of them.

"Woa! A dino... oh. It's just you, Ankylosaur. You scared me for a minute. I thought it was one of your bigger friends. But if it was, you wouldn't be here right! They would have eaten you right away. Alright, come here. Let me pet you. There you go, little ankylosaur. Who likes rubs behind the scales? Who? Who does? Little ankylosaur does."

There also looks like there is so much CGI in this movie. No real dinosaurs. None. In the first Jurassic Park, they made dinosaurs. They could be touched. Sam Neil was looking at a T- rex! Now, nothing is made. It's all computer generated.

"Hey, we're making a new Jurassic Park. Where are the people who made the dinosaurs in the first one?"

"I can get them on the phone."

"Good. Get them on the phone and tell them to go to hell. We don't need them at all. They are garbage. Tell them. Tell them!"

The gate is not even real! The Jurassic Park gate in this trailer is CGI! That thing is just wood! You don't have to do anything crazy to get wood. Nobody is saying that you could ACTUALLY reanimate a real dinosaur, but nailing a couple of pieces of wood together with the words 'Jurassic World' over top? They have that in Orlando right now. 

"Wow! Look at this ride! They have the Jurassic Park sign."

"No way, man. That can't be real. That's impossible. Touch it. Guaranteed it's fake. You can't put wood together. Impossible."

I'm three movies deep in a soon to be four movie franchise, so I'm pot committed on this thing, but man, I really wish we could keep making movies look as good as they did in the 80's and 90's. Why do we want to see nothing? Watch people standing in front of screens that we add things to? Most movies are done with green screen now. It's a person standing in an empty warehouse, pretending that things are happening around them.

"Okay, now you're in a jungle, and there are snakes all around you."

"No. I'm in a janitors closet, and there is nothing around me."

"Okay, jesus. Can you be an actor for one minute? There are snakes around you. One of them keeps sneezing. Can you handle that?"

"Yeah. Sure. Okay. One keeps sneezing. So I'll just writher on the floor here?"

"Jesus. I just told you. JUNGLE. You are in the JUNGLE. So, can you PLEASE be an actor now?"

It'd be nice to see a made dinosaur again. Have to watch the old ones for that. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Thanksgiving's and Sale days.

A lot of people in America have asked me if Canada does Thanksgiving. Sure. Do we do it in November? Nope. It's the second Monday of October. How come? Because in 1957, the Parliament of Canada decided we should have a celebration for our harvest. And they decided that it would be in October. Yep. That's it. It's not because we're celebrating the day that Canadians killed aboriginal people. Which happened but not like that. The British came over to Canada, killed the people that lived there, and then that country became Canada. So, instead of celebrating that, Thanksgiving in Canada was just a decided day. 

"Hey, in America they have a day where they celebrate the killing of people."

"Hmmm. They take the whole day off?"

"Yep."

"Huh. We need a day like that. How about we celebrate the killing of crops that we harvest?"

"Well, little softer, but I like it. What will we call it?"

"What are you talking about? Thanksgiving. They have it, and it's working. So, Thanksgiving."

"What about Harvest Day? Or Holi-Tober?"

"... Do you hear yourself?"

And is Canadian Thanksgiving celebrated the same? Yes. Turkey, gravy, stuffing. All of it. It's the same day. Except in America it's a lot more important of a Holiday. In Canada it's not as huge. Take it this way, in Canada families have Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday Or Monday. The actual Holiday is Monday, but people might celebrate it on Sunday. That's how serious it is. 

"Holiday is tomorrow."

"Cool. Want to do it today? I'm hungry now."

"Sure. Let me get my sweatpants on."

You can celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving any day that weekend if you want. Can't really do that with other Holidays. 

"Alright. It's Christmas eve, kids. Christmas tomorrow. But look, screw that. I don't want to do it then. Let's get this thing over with."

"But Dad! Santa hasn't come yet!"

"You kidding me? Santa picked this stuff up in November. Alright, I'll open them. Here you go, Chris. A sweater."

"AHHHHhhhhh!"

"Stop crying. You know there are kids on this planet who don't even HAVE parents opening their gifts and throwing them at them. Now enjoy!"

One big difference between the two holidays is that in America Thanksgiving is right before the big sale day. Black Friday. In Canada, Thanksgiving is not tied to our big sale day. We have Boxing day, our big sale day, the day after Christmas. Good and bad to both. With Black Friday, all of your Christmas gifts you get were probably on sale. Someone probably was punched in the face for you to have that Blu Ray collection. 

"Merry Christmas!"

"Thanks!... Um, there's blood on this."

"Oh, yeah. Some idiot reached for it when I did, so Judo kicked him through a display case. He landed on some glass ornaments, and blood must have flew through the air and landed on your gift. I was too busy running from the fire someone started in mobile audio to notice. Anyway, Merry Christmas!"

Since Boxing Day in Canada is the day after Christmas, you get to see the gift you bought someone for Christmas, is a hundred dollars less the very next day.

"Are you kidding me? They don't think I need that hundred bucks? Why don't we just make Christmas Dec 27th? I mean for god sakes."

For years there have been stories about people being trampled on Black Friday. Boxing Day? Not really the same. I don't remember seeing tons of stories of Canadians stomping on each other at Zellers to get forty dollars off of a bike. I'm not sure why. Maybe one reason is because it's Canada. I think one reason is that Black Friday is before Christmas. People NEED these gifts. You NEED these discounts for the upcoming Holiday. With the thought of having nothing under the tree, and that old woman in front of you, that old woman has to go. Since Boxing Day is after Christmas, it's a little more casual. I used to work in the home theatre department of a Future Shop, which is owned by Best Buy, same thing really, and I worked a Boxing Day. Getting there at five in the morning, blizzard out, people had been shovelling their own path out to stand in, and one guy had hot chocolate he was handing to people. HANDING it out. Not throwing it in peoples faces. Black Friday? Who knows.

"Hey, man. That's pretty nice of you. Bringing hot chocolate for everyone in this line. That's just great. I'll have half a ..... AAAAAHHHHH! Right in my face! Why?!"

"I need that Lego set! Third degree burn bandit strikes again!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Veterans and War movies.

I am not a fan of war movies. In so many recent war movies just about all of them now have beautiful, built men to play the soldiers. No non models can be here. Really? EVERY soldier that goes to war has perfect hair and sweet abs? 

"I want to fight for our country!"

"With THOSE cheek bones? Please. We're trying to win this war with force, not by making the enemy puke from looking at disgusting faces. Here, we wouldn't even let you work in the kitchen. Now, put this bag over your head and get out!"

If they do have anyone in a war movie who doesn't look like they work out with the Rock, they play the wiener. The guy who wasn't a 'real' man outside of this, and joined the army to grab some backbone,

"Out there, I was pushed around by my boss at Staples. But now, I just threw a grenade through that hospital window. With these skinny little arms! I'm gonna smack Darryl right in his face when I get back. 'All the printers should have paper in them.' They're not even on, Darryl! They're floor models! See you in town months, dirtbag."

How the hell can everyone be built? Where is the time for all this working out? 

"Alright, we're in a tight situation here. The enemy is all around. We're going to be locked down here for a couple days until backup comes to get us."

"What? A couple days? What about the gym?"

"The gym?! Look, we're in real trouble here. Staying alive is the priority, not the gym."

"I don't care that we are surrounded by enemies. Today's tri's. I'm DOING my dips."

"You can't leave! You could get shot!"

"Well let them shoot me! But I'll tell you this, they are NOT shooting a hole in my work out routine. Tri's. Dips. TODAY!"

Movies about war tend to be all the same as well. Bunch of guys who get locked together in a foxhole or team or tank or battalion or whatever, get into a fight about the tank or foxhole or team leader or who is the strongest in this battalion or whatever, learn that they need each other in this team or tank or battalion or whatever, and by the end basically fall in love.

"You know, at first I hated you, Dallas. You were a real dick. But now, after we held that gun together, both pulled the trigger at the same time, and killed those nameless guards, well hell, I knew that you'd be at my wedding."

Another reason, is that reviews for war movies will always talk about these things as if it's even close to actual war. 

"In this movie, a gorgeous actor with abs is so believable. It's as if he actually went to war, what with his facial contortions and dirty hands. I really thought I was watching a guy go to war! This film is so gritty. It's grittier than war. War has never been this real. This movie about war makes WWII look like Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

It was a movie set! They put dirt on their hands! There was never a point in time when any of these actors were in danger. Never a time when anything was going to have them fearing for their lives. Also, how can an actor playing a soldier make more money than an actual soldier that went to an actual war? How! These are people who fought for a country for someone to have the chance to act in. The chance for others to work in, and they have to worry about finances? 

"I played a soldier in a movie."

"Well holy jesus! You're a hero! Here are millions of dollars, all the women,  and accolades. You're good!"

"I am a soldier. I fought for this country."

"People care a bit! Here's a couple bucks, keep paying your taxes, and if things go south, we go plenty of sidewalks for you to sleep on!"

A soldier who went to an actual war should never have to worry about money. That should be one of the things with coming back. Your rent is paid, you don't pay tax. Not half price off boneless wings at Applebees. The same Applebees that would give the actor who played a soldier this boneless wings for nothing. 

"No, please. It's on us. We're just so happy you came into our humble little building!"

"Excuse me, can I get some more water?"

"Ohhhhhh, look at this. A veteran needs some more water. Why don't you just calm down? I'm TALKING to a LEGEND at this TABLE so if you could PLEASE just wait a minute? God. Sorry about that, actor. As I was saying, it's on us."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh