Ebola. Not me. Not you.

Well, we did it again. We figured out another disease to scare people with. A few years ago, it was bird flu. Then swine flu. Then we skipped right over lizard cough, tiger itch, giraffe throat and went straight to Ebola. No animal attached to this. Just a horrifying, scary disease that apparently makes you melt from your face and gives everyone something to talk about. People in NY that I talk to are horrified that they are going to get Ebola. You have a better chance of getting a G train in under twenty minutes then getting Ebola.

"Where the hell is this train! I've been waiting forever!"

"Me too."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the Ebola strand. You haven't been watching TV?"

I get the talking about it, but do we have to keep showing the Ebola strand? Is that helping anything? It's like Ebola is on America's Most Wanted.

“This strand is not a fan of your average man. It started its trail of crime in West Africa, terrorizing the locals before heading to America to gain a foothold on another market. If you have any info about this purple menace, call 1-888-Don't-Share-A-Drink-With-That-Strand.”

What does showing the strand do? You can't see it! What are we supposed to do with that information? If we see a sick person, cut them open and get a real good look?

“Steve, this looks just like the strand they keep showing on TV. I think you have to leave my house. And stop bleeding on your way out!”

Also, can we get a better name for it? Something that really brings the weight to the situation? Like 'Melt Your Face' disease? 'Fluids Through Your Eyes' affliction? Ebola sounds like a country you don't want to go to.

“Where'd you vacation?”

“Ebola. Awful food. Too hot. Nobody slept with me. Terrible place.”

Barack named Robert Klain as the Ebola Czar to coordinate US efforts to contain the outbreak. The Ebola Czar. Doesn't that sound like a person who throws Ebola at people?

“I am the Czar of Ebola! I am the one passing it around. Fear me or I will send it your way!”

Is there not a better name for that position? Ebola container? Tupperware of Ebola? The Ebola stopper guy? The dude who'll box up Ebola? But Czar? Why don't we start calling police officers the Sultans of Crime? Or judges the Lords of Justice? Can't wait to see who Barack appoints the Ayatollah of the Flu.

Nobody is going to get Ebola. It is not going to spread throughout the universe. This is not the 1800s. You might get it if you are trying to. If you are walking around, screaming into the night that Ebola ain't shit, and getting everyone to spit at you, you might, MIGHT, get it. Just living your life? Getting on trains with strangers? You are not getting it. 

"You hear me, Ebola!? I'm calling you a bitch! Fear me, Ebola! FEAR ME!"

"Look, sir. I don't know what to charge you with, but as an officer, I have to tell you to at least calm down. Go home, sleep whatever this is off, and talk to Ebola tomorrow when you have a clearer head."

I don't think it's as big a deal as they say it is, because a couple of times an American apparently gets the disease in Africa, and they fly them back to America for treatment. Fly them back here. Now, if the disease was THAT crazy a thing, wouldn't you keep the affected American over there, and send people to them? Why in the HELL would you put someone that you KNOW has Ebola, on a PLANE and fly them to densely populated America?

"Jesus Christ, this disease got one of our own."

"Should we send people over to them?"

"Send people where? To Africa? Have you ever BEEN to Africa? They got nothing over there! No, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I'd rather every American get Ebola than EVER said four of them over to Africa."

Flu is a legit thing to worry about. You ever had the flu? It feels like you just got Ebola. It ain't cool AT ALL.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

American news coverage. Jesus.

Recently, there was a shooting in Ottawa. For anyone that doesn't know, and really you should, that is in Canada and is Canada's capital city. A man shot a soldier outside of a memorial in front of Parliament Hill. The soldier was killed, and the shooter was also killed by police. I heard about this through twitter, while I was in New York. The day before I was in Toronto, and I was really wondering what the coverage of this would be like in Canada. Because I saw the coverage here in America, and woa buddy, what a ridiculous thing it was to watch.

First of all, the news here does nothing, not one thing to make people be calm about an incident. Every thing is, 'This happened here, so you know damn well it could happen to you! Bolt your doors! Grab a gun, your kids, your kids gun, and look suspiciously at every single person you don't know or think that you know! ANYONE can be a person who can do the thing or have the disease or be the tiger that we are talking about today. Brace yourself!" There is no, 'Hey. This happened, but let's all remain calm." It's almost as if every news story is some wacky comedy where somebody says not to panic, and that person is trampled beyond belief by people who don't care about that at all. 

All of the footage I saw on American TV was police running. That was it. Police running. Just cops, running through Parliament. Why would they do that? Why would that be what is shown? Probably so that people at home go, 'Jesus, cops are moving fast! Something crazy must be going on there!' It was just cops running! Or cops holding guns. Yes, they have guns. Cops in Canada have guns. That is part of being a cop. But do you have to just show the most frantic parts of a situation? Why not just have a guy screaming at the camera?

"We're going live to the situation. What's happening down there at the bank?"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Well, there you have it. Total fear and panic."

Also, most times people in America do not care at all about what is happening in Canada. We either have to have a mayor do crack or a soldier be shot for America to even mention Canada. And why were they talking about the shooting in Ottawa? From what I could tell, it was to scare Americans. The general feeling was that, 'Hey, guys. If it can happen in Canada, something BIG is coming our way." American TV was asking questions like, 'Is this a terrorist attack? Should we be alarmed?" What the hell are you talking about? Why in the hell just not talk about what is, not what this might be?

"Rain predicted for tonight. Is it the end of the world? Will it be acid rain? Are aliens urinating on us? Get scared!"

It's done only to make people afraid. Just to make people sit at home and freak out over what might happen. There were three or four reporters/journalists/whatever sitting around tables on TV, talking about what could be going on in Canada. Just people, who have nothing to do with Canada, talking about a shooting in Canada and speculating on what it could be.

"Does this mean America has to worry? Should we be worried that terrorists are attacking from the top down?"

Why does 'terrorists' have to be thrown right in there? Is that the answer to everything?

"And for a thousand dollars, who was the first man to eve...

"Terrorist!"

"What?! Where?! Shows cancelled. Nobody wins. There's a terrorist somewhere!"

News in America is a haunted house that never let's up. The minute you step in, people are chasing you with chainsaws and throwing bats at you. You think around the next corner it will calm down, but it doesn't. 

College Sports. I can't.

Maybe it's because I'm from Canada, but I am not a fan of college sports. Sports, I like. College sports? Can't do it. Is it because I didn't go to a college in the states with a team? Maybe. Is it because I'm not from a town in the states that has a college team? Possibly. Is it because I find it really hard to watch someone who has homework due play a sport? Or watching people play who I know had to finish homework to do it?

"Nice touchdown, man!"

"Thanks! You like that, you would LOVE the essay on badgers I wrote to be able to do it! You know badgers like to burrow? I do, and that's why I was here to get this touchdown! I'd like to thank Mr. Williamson for giving me a good grade."

There's no god to thanks for college players. Just teachers and study partners. Either way, I'm not into it. 

I'll never understand having college sports on prime time TV. Friday night at 9pm. A time when other athletes are playing for millions? When real leagues have actuals teams playing for actual things? Having college sports on at 9pm when there are pro sports on is like having a movie that was made for a school project playing in a theatre beside hollywood movies.

People say that college sports are professional. If they were professional, they would be paid. There's no pilots flying for no money. No cops out there for the love of the game. Pros get paid. I do know though that that's not players fault. It's pretty amazing to me really that these college players don't get paid. They bring in so much money. They should be paid. Or at least, for the people who are not their on sports scholarships, should have some money taken off of their tuition. Something! Look, I don't want to watch them, but people are, people do, and they generate millions of dollars. Some of the time the justification is that they are going to school for nothing. Because your school is great you don't have to pay them? Why doesn't McDonalds do that?

"Look, drive-thru guy, you will not be paid. Why? Because we are giving you the opportunity to work with a great company. We are known worldwide! And you can be a part of that! And you want to be paid? Wow. SOMEone is a little selfish."

Fans of college sports, I get. But, if you have student loans, stop cheering for your old school's sports teams. It doesn't make sense. These loans are the reason you can't get the car you really want and you still wave a banner for them in the air? It's the same as having credit card debt and cheering for Visa commercials.

“Yeah, Visa! Way to go! You bug me to pay you all the time, but look at that nineteen percent interest rate! Wooooo!”

Unless the school knocks a couple hundred bucks off your loan when you cheer, or a few thousand to start the wave, you shouldn't be doing it. Your alma-mater is not your alma-mother. The love doesn't have to be un-conditional.

And if you are going to cheer, why buy a hundred and twenty-five dollar hoodie and a twenty-five dollar hat to wear at the games? You already paid hundreds or even thousands of dollars for books that only get used occasionally. Show up to the game with a math textbook! Wave that around in the air.

“2, 4, 6, 8! I learned how to count because of this book!”

These text books need a couple more uses anyway other than taking up space in the bottom of a bag and being an 'I'm supposed to be studying but I'm really tired right now' pillow.

Colleges want you to go to the games, want you to support the teams, but there's no credit given for doing so. Shouldn't there be? You take the time to support the school, you should be given a mark for that. Mostly because students and teachers will have something to say about it whether you go or not. Students will say,

“Hey, did you go to the game?” “I couldn't. I was studying.” “Loser.”

Teachers will say, “Hey, did you do that assignment?” “I couldn't. I was at the game.” “Loser.”

Why do students have to pay to get into these games? Didn't they already pay to go to school? Do you have to pay to join the chess club? Or pay to sit in the student activities center on your phone? Paying for school then paying for school sporting events is like paying to get into a club and then paying to be able to approach that girl or guy you want to talk to. Actually, those clubs exist. They're called strip clubs. And the difference between strippers and college athletes? Strippers get paid.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh