Take out your phone.

I'm not a fan of videos of people being hurt, or falling down, or being kicked, or in fights, or whatever. I don't like when people try to show them to me. I do not understand why people feel the need to take out their phone and record every time there's a car crash, gas explosion, fire, skateboard accident, drunk fight, domestic dispute, dog being cooked in car, acid thrown, crucifixion, cat fight, real cat fight, baby mauling, highway collapse, failed stunt, hockey dad fight, referee argument, kid telling a mom to fuck off, mom telling a kid to fuck off, fat guy at a baseball game, mauling by tiger or bus fight. What makes people INSTANTLY go for their phone?

"Holy hell! Look at that! I'm about to be eaten by a bear! iPhone video don't fail me now. Gotta get this for my wall! Ahhhhh, I'm being eaten! Ahhhhh, my phone is working! Yessss! Ahhhh!"

Why is that the first reaction? Why is it never to help the people who are the fighting? The guy being kicked in the head? The baby that fell onto the subway tracks? And if you're not going to do that, just walk away. Just walk the hell away. Either help, or just turn your back. The third option of taking out the phone and recording is strange. 

"Look at that. Woman fell down a flight of stairs. My phone has thirty two gigs on it, I'm only using nine, time to add a couple more to it. Keep holding your knee, woman! I'm taping!"

Why the video? You have to pretend to be a journalist on call that just stumbled across a story? 

"Good thing I was here! Who was gonna tape this cyclist crashing in a dumpster? I don't see Anderson Cooper anywhere. It's up to me. The journalist to end them all, Mark."

Instantly going to your phone to take a video of something you see is weird. Another thing? Taking pictures of strangers and making fun of them. Maaaaaaaaaaann.

"Hey. I took a picture of this stranger who was doing nothing on this bus. Why? I think what they are wearing is stupid. Or what they are reading. Or how they are sitting. Or that they are sleeping. Or that they have weird hair. Or that they are old. Or that they are strange. Either way, look at me. I'm cool and great because I point out what's 'wrong' with other people. Like me because I am making fun of others."

Taking pictures of people you don't know and making fun of them makes you, yes you, a human piece of garbage. Pretty simple. 

I think people do the videos and pictures to be cool. If you can make fun of someone else, you are higher to some degree than they are. You have elevated yourself above. But another reason I think, is that we panic that we don't have enough stuff to show people on-line. Gotta have things to post on-line, or you are pretty much dead. And if you don't have thoughts or opinions, what else is there? Somebody with cheese on their shirt sitting on a bench? Perfect! A guy kicking his car because he locked his keys in it? Hurrah! 

"I NEED things to post, but I don't have any thoughts on anything that other people don't already have thoughts on! I think the Beatles are the best band. Kanye sucks. Big asses are good. I mean what else is there? NObody has seen this idiot yet. On-line you go, dumb hat!"

It's either that, or you just want the video. And if that's what it's for,  you're gonna watch that video again of a couple arguing in the street? Are you a murderer? Why in the hell would you have that? Why would you EVER go back and watch that video? Answer is, you won't. You wouldn't. You just have it because the natural reaction is to trap the moment on a phone. 

One thing that makes me mad about it is that the same people that say we're all the same, we're all equal, are also the same people who will send these videos and photos around.

"We're all the same. We're all equal. Everyone should be treated fair. Yo, you see this video of a mom falling down a flight of stairs holding her kids? So funny!"

If we're all equal, that's everyone! Those are people who are drunk and fighting. Those are people who crash their bike into a McDonald's truck. That is everyone. We are all everyone. For some reason it is alright to tape people you don't know. We've made it not right over the last bunch of years to yell at women in the street you don't know. Cat calling has become a bad thing. Well, always was but now it's at least pretty looked down upon. But, if that woman is hit by a bird, you can tape it? Can't tape a woman walking down the street. CAN tape a woman falling down a street and show it to the world. Interesting. 

When did the whole world become America's Funniest Home Videos? EVERYONE has a video of a wedding disaster or a bike fail to show you. EVERY show on daytime television has a section where they watch some video of some person doing something stupid, or falling, or getting into a fight, or saying something dumb. Just about every single one. 

"Alright, today Michelle Obama is going to be joining us. But before that, here's a video of a woman getting her head caught in a drive thru window. We don't have ten thousand dollars to hand out, but we will still laugh at this!"

How the hell did that happen? Was America's Funniest Home Videos the most ground breaking show of all time? There are so many great things in the world. Every once in awhile someone will show you a video of something good. An animal doing something. Somebody dancing or playing an instrument crazy well. Those are few and far between, and between, there's a picture of a human being just being a human being on a bus. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

iPhone 6 lines.

The iPhone 6 has come out! Get yourself out of your house and down to a damn store that has it. I had an iPhone 3gs until two months ago. Why? The thing is magic! I bought and iPhone 5c when my screen and headphone jack just gave up. Why the 5c? Because I wanted that green one. I like colour. People were like, 'Why don't you just wait for the 6?" Because honestly, I don't care about it. I like this 5. I'm cool with it. 

"Why don't you want the newest one?" The 5c is cool, but it's not NEEEEWWWW. It's not AAAAMMMMAAAZZZZIIIIIINNNGGG."

I think it is. Still, some thoughts on the iPhone 6. 

People wait in line for every phone that apple puts out. Why? Apple is making an infinite number of them. You will get one if you want to get one. They aren't only making two hundred. They are making too many! You will get one if you want one.

"But I want it right goddamn now. Like, today today."

"Well, we're out. Come back in an hour, and we'll have a ...."

"An hour!? A whole hour? I'll be older by then! I will be back, but suck it."

At first they only give the world a certain number. Why? So that people will wait in line. So that people will freak out.

"People are in line! I have to get in line! I need one now! I'll kill a mother to get one!"

Apple could, COULD, put out enough for everyone. Could, FOR SURE, put out one for everyone, right away. But that doesn't make people freak the hell out.

"We can all get one? Well, then, I don't want it. It was cool and interesting when I had to wait like an animal in a line for it, but if I can just go in there and get it right now? What am I? An animal?"

I get that part of the lines, but that's it. But people showing up to wait in them? The lines for phones aren't interesting. Lines for the opening night of movies, people dress up. Lines for a concert you get to see something fun. Even video game lines for games that come out at midnight, you get to play something at the end, and those people in the line are talking video games. Lines for a phone? You get a phone. You get people talking about phones. You get a device that allows people to text you, has a number your boss can call when you're late, and this phone runs a little bit faster than the one you already have. 

The shared interest here is a phone. Something that everyone has. Every single person has a phone. It's not something unique. It's something that every single human in most countries has in their pocket. Maybe not as good as some others, but we all got them. If you have money, you can get a phone.  It's like waiting in line for socks. We all have socks! Every single person has socks. Some better than others, but can you stand there with thousands of people and talk socks? 

People freak out over other products that come out, because a lot of them they only make a couple. There is literally an infinite number of iPhones. Just an infinite number. We can all get an iPhone 6, thousands of times. Apple probably makes three of every single one for everybody on the planet. Because in their eyes, the phones are so great, why not have one of each? Get em all!

"iPhone6? You're goddamn right I have it? I bought the 16gb for the car, the 64 gb for the office, and the 128 gb when I want to chop it up with these bitches! Bitches love 128 gigs."

The best thing is people wait in line for a phone that won't even be as interesting to them for as long as the line was. 

"Man, you waited fourteen hours for the iPhone 6?! How is it?"

"Maaaaannnnnn, it was SICK for like two hours. Just SIIIIICCCKKK. Now it's just a phone. Just a regular thing. Can't WAIT for the seven!"

One new thing about the iPhone 6 is you can pay for things with it. I'm not sure why people want to pay for things with a phone. 'Because it's easier! Because then I don't have to carry anything except my lord and saviour, the phone!" Wasn't that what debit and credit cards were supposed to be? That's any easy way to pay for things. A card, that has all of your money on it. Just all of your money. Do people hate cash? Why do people hate cash? It makes things cool. One day in movies, when a shady people slide a brief case across a table, it won't have money in it.

"Two million. I have it right here." (Slides briefcase across table)

".... This is a phone."

"Yeah, with access to my bank account, which has two million dollars on it."

"How the hell do I know that?"

"Ahhh, because I'm telling you. Come on, man."

"Don't mock me. I said two million! I meant cash!"

"Who carries cash anymore? And two million dollars in cash? That's like twenty pounds. You want me to carry twenty pounds around? All DAY? For serious? Phone, sir. You have a phone now, will two million dollars on it. And can you give me the phone back when you transfer the money? I waited in line for that phone for hours."

Why has cash become the devil? Someone can't hack cash out of your pocket. That has to be jacked. 

Apple and Samsung seem to not like each other. They have commercials bashing one another. I don't buy it. I swear that Apple and Samsung work together. They love having this competition with each other. They have figured out how to get us, largely poor people, to fight for these expensive things and defend which company we buy from likes it's our family.

"Samsung is the greatest thing ever! You're iPhone sucks!"

"Oh yeah? Well your Samsung is so fat, it ate the All You Can Eat sign at a buffet!"

"Oh yeah? Well your iPhone is so dumb, it has an english bitch living in it that answers questions for it!"

"Oh yeah? Well your Samsung is so dumb, it thought you said 'Steve' when you were telling it to call 'Cleve'!"

I bet all of the money that Samsung and Apple both make probably goes into one giant room, and the CEO's go in there, glance over the billions that is there, and blow each other. 

"We got them to fight about us! They have allegiance to both of these stupid things! I'm gonna suck your bag!"

Apple and Samsung are the only ones laughing when you buy a phone, even if you are laughing that you waited in line and got one before someone else. Blowing each other. Think about it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Miss America.

For eighty eight years, the Miss America pageant has taken place. On Sept 14th, the eighty eighth Miss America was crowned. A New Yorker. Did anyone watch? Not EVERYone, but it gets people. About ten million people watched this years pageant. Does anyone really know what this is for? Are there a ton of people growing up now saying that they would like to be Miss America? What the hell is this thing?! 

From what I can tell, it seems to be the longest running reality show in history, pitting people against each other to go to school. The grand prize is, school money. Yep. That's it. Scholarships. Not a spaceship. Not a key to America. Money to go to school. Either you work really hard, or you have to show up at a mall and jump through hoops like a dolphin to go. Does that make sense to have now as a thing? In 2014? Why don't we have a Fear Factor for people to go to school? 

"Alright, these people really want to go to Harvard. Are their grades good enough? Sure. But, have they eaten a BallDucken? That's a duck stuffed with balls. They're about to! On this edition of "You wanna go to school and get smart? Do something dumb to get there, stupid!"

Okay, so they don't eat balls. So what do they do? There is a swimsuit competition, an evening wear competition because lord knows, you might look good in a one piece but just AWFUL in a Vera Wang. Talent portion, and they also tell you what they'd do about certain issues in the country. Weird, huh? That's a strange way to get a scholarship. 

"Hmmm. You want to go to school? Well, what do you look like in a bikini?"

"What? That's what you want to know? Alright. Here."

"Nice. Those are nice curves. You're not a fatty. Good job. Now, how do you look in an evening gown?"

"You think I brought an evening gown? Well, turns out I did."

"Woa. You look nice. Like nice like I'd like to take you out nice. Alright, you sing or anything? Dance? Play checkers well? Women, REAL women, should look great and be able to play the thimbles or something."

This year, the woman who won Miss America's talent was sitting on the floor, playing with a cup, singing Happy. That's right. Sitting. On the floor. Playing with a cup. That's a talent that shouldn't even win Miss Kindergarten.

"Look what I can do, guys! I can colour inside the lines! Miss Kindergarten, here I come."

"Really? With that? Don't think so. That kid over there? Chugging glue while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Get a clue, JESSICA."

There was a woman who could speak into a puppet. There were dancers. There were people who REALLY took time to practice their talent. And then, there was a woman, who sat on the floor, and played with a cup. A cup. Hit a cup on the floor, clapped, and sang a song. 

Just getting women to perform and strut around for scholarships. Is that not a thing we find weird? That's just a thing that is alright? It made sense in the 20's when women were barely people. 

"Hey, these women want to go to school."

"That's cute. I want to sex them while they are baking. One of those things is going to happen easier than the other."

"We could get them to take their clothes off to go to school?"

"Sure. We could also make them take their clothes off because we're men telling them to do it."

"Look, can we just try this pageant thing?"

"Sure."

Strange to me that Miss America ends up just being a student. You get crowned 'Miss Country', and you go to school. So, are women who are already students Miss America? Are there a whole bunch of Miss Americas in schools right now? If I have to juggle, wear a speedo, and tell people what I would do if I was the President to get a year membership to the YMCA, I'm not better than people who already have memberships. Even if they do call me 'Captain Laps in the pool whenever'. I can't walk in there with my head held too high.

"Hello others. i at a Ballducken, and now I can get on the basketball court with immunity."

"A ballducken? We just paid to be here. Nobody saw us eat balls."

"Yes, I know, that's why I am Captain Laps In The Pool Whenever. And you, are just Kevin."

- This also might mean that school price are too high, when instead of being able to get a job and work to pay it off, they are willing to give you the money if you jump around for it. Is that not weird? People want you to go to school, but also make it so expensive that you have to get judged by other humans who are not NEARLY in the shape you are in to do it? 

We're told that education is the most important thing. That everyone, whether going to school or not, should try to get as much education as possible. That people who DO go to school are great. Are hero's. Are the people who have everything open to them. But with things like this, we aren't respecting people who want to go. We are telling them, sure, get good grades, try hard, or, work out a lot, figure out what you would do about guns, and start playing with cups.