iPhone 6 lines.

The iPhone 6 has come out! Get yourself out of your house and down to a damn store that has it. I had an iPhone 3gs until two months ago. Why? The thing is magic! I bought and iPhone 5c when my screen and headphone jack just gave up. Why the 5c? Because I wanted that green one. I like colour. People were like, 'Why don't you just wait for the 6?" Because honestly, I don't care about it. I like this 5. I'm cool with it. 

"Why don't you want the newest one?" The 5c is cool, but it's not NEEEEWWWW. It's not AAAAMMMMAAAZZZZIIIIIINNNGGG."

I think it is. Still, some thoughts on the iPhone 6. 

People wait in line for every phone that apple puts out. Why? Apple is making an infinite number of them. You will get one if you want to get one. They aren't only making two hundred. They are making too many! You will get one if you want one.

"But I want it right goddamn now. Like, today today."

"Well, we're out. Come back in an hour, and we'll have a ...."

"An hour!? A whole hour? I'll be older by then! I will be back, but suck it."

At first they only give the world a certain number. Why? So that people will wait in line. So that people will freak out.

"People are in line! I have to get in line! I need one now! I'll kill a mother to get one!"

Apple could, COULD, put out enough for everyone. Could, FOR SURE, put out one for everyone, right away. But that doesn't make people freak the hell out.

"We can all get one? Well, then, I don't want it. It was cool and interesting when I had to wait like an animal in a line for it, but if I can just go in there and get it right now? What am I? An animal?"

I get that part of the lines, but that's it. But people showing up to wait in them? The lines for phones aren't interesting. Lines for the opening night of movies, people dress up. Lines for a concert you get to see something fun. Even video game lines for games that come out at midnight, you get to play something at the end, and those people in the line are talking video games. Lines for a phone? You get a phone. You get people talking about phones. You get a device that allows people to text you, has a number your boss can call when you're late, and this phone runs a little bit faster than the one you already have. 

The shared interest here is a phone. Something that everyone has. Every single person has a phone. It's not something unique. It's something that every single human in most countries has in their pocket. Maybe not as good as some others, but we all got them. If you have money, you can get a phone.  It's like waiting in line for socks. We all have socks! Every single person has socks. Some better than others, but can you stand there with thousands of people and talk socks? 

People freak out over other products that come out, because a lot of them they only make a couple. There is literally an infinite number of iPhones. Just an infinite number. We can all get an iPhone 6, thousands of times. Apple probably makes three of every single one for everybody on the planet. Because in their eyes, the phones are so great, why not have one of each? Get em all!

"iPhone6? You're goddamn right I have it? I bought the 16gb for the car, the 64 gb for the office, and the 128 gb when I want to chop it up with these bitches! Bitches love 128 gigs."

The best thing is people wait in line for a phone that won't even be as interesting to them for as long as the line was. 

"Man, you waited fourteen hours for the iPhone 6?! How is it?"

"Maaaaannnnnn, it was SICK for like two hours. Just SIIIIICCCKKK. Now it's just a phone. Just a regular thing. Can't WAIT for the seven!"

One new thing about the iPhone 6 is you can pay for things with it. I'm not sure why people want to pay for things with a phone. 'Because it's easier! Because then I don't have to carry anything except my lord and saviour, the phone!" Wasn't that what debit and credit cards were supposed to be? That's any easy way to pay for things. A card, that has all of your money on it. Just all of your money. Do people hate cash? Why do people hate cash? It makes things cool. One day in movies, when a shady people slide a brief case across a table, it won't have money in it.

"Two million. I have it right here." (Slides briefcase across table)

".... This is a phone."

"Yeah, with access to my bank account, which has two million dollars on it."

"How the hell do I know that?"

"Ahhh, because I'm telling you. Come on, man."

"Don't mock me. I said two million! I meant cash!"

"Who carries cash anymore? And two million dollars in cash? That's like twenty pounds. You want me to carry twenty pounds around? All DAY? For serious? Phone, sir. You have a phone now, will two million dollars on it. And can you give me the phone back when you transfer the money? I waited in line for that phone for hours."

Why has cash become the devil? Someone can't hack cash out of your pocket. That has to be jacked. 

Apple and Samsung seem to not like each other. They have commercials bashing one another. I don't buy it. I swear that Apple and Samsung work together. They love having this competition with each other. They have figured out how to get us, largely poor people, to fight for these expensive things and defend which company we buy from likes it's our family.

"Samsung is the greatest thing ever! You're iPhone sucks!"

"Oh yeah? Well your Samsung is so fat, it ate the All You Can Eat sign at a buffet!"

"Oh yeah? Well your iPhone is so dumb, it has an english bitch living in it that answers questions for it!"

"Oh yeah? Well your Samsung is so dumb, it thought you said 'Steve' when you were telling it to call 'Cleve'!"

I bet all of the money that Samsung and Apple both make probably goes into one giant room, and the CEO's go in there, glance over the billions that is there, and blow each other. 

"We got them to fight about us! They have allegiance to both of these stupid things! I'm gonna suck your bag!"

Apple and Samsung are the only ones laughing when you buy a phone, even if you are laughing that you waited in line and got one before someone else. Blowing each other. Think about it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Miss America.

For eighty eight years, the Miss America pageant has taken place. On Sept 14th, the eighty eighth Miss America was crowned. A New Yorker. Did anyone watch? Not EVERYone, but it gets people. About ten million people watched this years pageant. Does anyone really know what this is for? Are there a ton of people growing up now saying that they would like to be Miss America? What the hell is this thing?! 

From what I can tell, it seems to be the longest running reality show in history, pitting people against each other to go to school. The grand prize is, school money. Yep. That's it. Scholarships. Not a spaceship. Not a key to America. Money to go to school. Either you work really hard, or you have to show up at a mall and jump through hoops like a dolphin to go. Does that make sense to have now as a thing? In 2014? Why don't we have a Fear Factor for people to go to school? 

"Alright, these people really want to go to Harvard. Are their grades good enough? Sure. But, have they eaten a BallDucken? That's a duck stuffed with balls. They're about to! On this edition of "You wanna go to school and get smart? Do something dumb to get there, stupid!"

Okay, so they don't eat balls. So what do they do? There is a swimsuit competition, an evening wear competition because lord knows, you might look good in a one piece but just AWFUL in a Vera Wang. Talent portion, and they also tell you what they'd do about certain issues in the country. Weird, huh? That's a strange way to get a scholarship. 

"Hmmm. You want to go to school? Well, what do you look like in a bikini?"

"What? That's what you want to know? Alright. Here."

"Nice. Those are nice curves. You're not a fatty. Good job. Now, how do you look in an evening gown?"

"You think I brought an evening gown? Well, turns out I did."

"Woa. You look nice. Like nice like I'd like to take you out nice. Alright, you sing or anything? Dance? Play checkers well? Women, REAL women, should look great and be able to play the thimbles or something."

This year, the woman who won Miss America's talent was sitting on the floor, playing with a cup, singing Happy. That's right. Sitting. On the floor. Playing with a cup. That's a talent that shouldn't even win Miss Kindergarten.

"Look what I can do, guys! I can colour inside the lines! Miss Kindergarten, here I come."

"Really? With that? Don't think so. That kid over there? Chugging glue while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Get a clue, JESSICA."

There was a woman who could speak into a puppet. There were dancers. There were people who REALLY took time to practice their talent. And then, there was a woman, who sat on the floor, and played with a cup. A cup. Hit a cup on the floor, clapped, and sang a song. 

Just getting women to perform and strut around for scholarships. Is that not a thing we find weird? That's just a thing that is alright? It made sense in the 20's when women were barely people. 

"Hey, these women want to go to school."

"That's cute. I want to sex them while they are baking. One of those things is going to happen easier than the other."

"We could get them to take their clothes off to go to school?"

"Sure. We could also make them take their clothes off because we're men telling them to do it."

"Look, can we just try this pageant thing?"

"Sure."

Strange to me that Miss America ends up just being a student. You get crowned 'Miss Country', and you go to school. So, are women who are already students Miss America? Are there a whole bunch of Miss Americas in schools right now? If I have to juggle, wear a speedo, and tell people what I would do if I was the President to get a year membership to the YMCA, I'm not better than people who already have memberships. Even if they do call me 'Captain Laps in the pool whenever'. I can't walk in there with my head held too high.

"Hello others. i at a Ballducken, and now I can get on the basketball court with immunity."

"A ballducken? We just paid to be here. Nobody saw us eat balls."

"Yes, I know, that's why I am Captain Laps In The Pool Whenever. And you, are just Kevin."

- This also might mean that school price are too high, when instead of being able to get a job and work to pay it off, they are willing to give you the money if you jump around for it. Is that not weird? People want you to go to school, but also make it so expensive that you have to get judged by other humans who are not NEARLY in the shape you are in to do it? 

We're told that education is the most important thing. That everyone, whether going to school or not, should try to get as much education as possible. That people who DO go to school are great. Are hero's. Are the people who have everything open to them. But with things like this, we aren't respecting people who want to go. We are telling them, sure, get good grades, try hard, or, work out a lot, figure out what you would do about guns, and start playing with cups.

Everything fun is stupid.

I'm one of the first to comment on rap music. I'll be one of the first to say that it's stupid, but that doesn't mean that it's bad. People say they hate rap music now because it's stupid. Sure. A lot of it is stupid. That guy just rhymed pizza with couch. Nobody can say that's smart.

"Does anyone have an answer for the question on the board?"

"Pizza couch!"

"... Who founded America?... Pizza couch. Not correct by any stretch but hey, made me feel good!"

I get it. It's dumb. But it's fun. What's the alternative? Only lyrics? Just solid lyrical ability? I mean there's a lot of pop music that is trash. That hasn't always been the case. What if we just make all music classical?

"You got a ten dollar bill put your hand up! You got a twenty dollar bill put your hand up! If you got a powered wig on put your hang up! Alright, all the gentleman in the place, if you're ready to hear Bach, make some nooooiiissseeeee!"

Yes, a lot of rap is stupid. But everything that is fun is stupid. Don't believe me? Here's some things. That are stupid. 

Roller coasters - What a stupid thing to do to yourself. Roller coasters go upwards of 90mph, twisting and turning on metal, or WOODEN track. Sometimes your legs are dangling and swinging through the air. You could possibly lose on. It's happened. Or be thrown from this thing and land in the parking lot. MAYBE that didn't happen, but similar things have happened. Is that dumb? Yes! Is it fun? Yes! Fun as hell! Nobody complains about roller coasters being stupid, though. Nobody says, 'Man, this is dumb. Not one lyrical thing on this at all. I didn't hear ONE line about how the illuminati is FOR SURE a thing. Back to Nas for me."

Un protected sex - I mean, is anything more fun? Having sex with a human being with nothing blocking you and their business? What a great thing. Who wants to put a bag on their junk? Who wants to have a junk that's in a bag be inserted into their business? Well, people, but only because we should. It's good for us to do. But man, not doing it? THAT'S some fun. But how stupid is it? Almost the most stupid. You can get a disease, you can get a kid. You could have a diseased kid with some animal who you barely know. All of that, and we still have un protected sex. Why? Fun! Fun, dammit! And because sometimes you just can't get to a condom, and we're animals, it happens. Does that make it smart? Never. But nobody says anything about this. Nobody says, 'Man, this is dumb. I put my un covered penis into an uncovered woman, and I didn't hear ONE lyric about how hard it is growing up poor. Not ONE. Well, back to Nas for me."

Drinking - I mean, seriously. Does this even need to be talked about? Drinking is a very stupid thing. People fight because of alcohol, they crash cars, have un-protected sex (see above), and say things they don't mean. People climb stupid things and fall off while drinking. People call people they should not call while drinking. But nobody ever talks about this being dumb. Nobody ever is drunk, gets a call from a drunk person and says, 'Man, this is DUMB. You haven't said ONE real thing about how the government treats us. NOT....ONE. You just keep saying we should get back together. Say ONE line about Republicans and maybe.... No? Well, back to Nas for me." (Hangs up. Pauses. Throws up. Pauses. Passes out.)

There's a whole bunch of other fun things that are dumb. Cliff diving, white water rafting, rock climbing, racing in your car, donuts in your car, driving through mud in your car, wrestling, watching wrestling, going to wrestling, watching wrestling in your car. A ton of things. Point is, they're all fun. And fun is stupid.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh