Tindr. Talent. Texting.

I'm not on Tindr, but I, like all of us, know a bunch of people that are. Why am I not on Tindr? Because I don't have an umbrella for all the pussy that would rain on me if I was! No. I have a girlfriend. Would I go on it? Sure. Maybe. Probably. I mean, even if I met someone out in the world, they are probably going to be on Tindr. Why not just meet them there instead of trying to run into them?

"Woa, I can't believe I met you in a grocery store. That's weird, right? Wait. My phone is going off. It's a notification, telling me that I just matched with you! Well, god. I wish that would have happened earlier. I didn't have to leave the house? Just stupid of me."

I've used some friends of mines Tindr just for fun. A guys Tindr and a girls Tindr. Some things that I've noticed. 

Using a girls Tindr was interesting. First of all, every time I swiped right, which is how you decide whether you like someone, it was a match. What does that say? That there are a lot of guys that just go through and swipe right on every single girl to get more matches. So, it seems that being a girl on Tindr you really have no idea if a guy is into you or is just fishing. Bunch of dumb idiots just throwing nets out there seeing what comes back.

"What are you fishing for?"

"Fish."

"I meant what kind of fish."

"The kind of fish that's fish! Get off my back. I'm hard."

Worst is, when she did have a match was that 90% of the messages guys would send would be nothing.

"Sup."

"Wanna meet?"

"Hey, sexy."

"Yo."

Yo. Just a goddamn yo! Then shortly after that, they'd talk about going to a bar to meet. I started yelling at some of them. 

"You serious? You've said nothing funny, or engaging, or interesting at all, and you want me to meet up with you? Are you insane? You've given nothing!"

If they did write back, they'd write back with some kind of useless, dumb response. Something most times along the lines of 'I like feisty women', or 'you've got some fight in you.' Good for you, man. A person you think is a girl says that what you're saying is garbage and you come back with something that makes it sound like you enjoy dragging women through parking lots by their hair.

Using a guy friend of mines Tindr was also interesting. 99% of the time when a guy matches with a girl, he is the one to send the first message. 99.9% of the time probably. Let's just say all the time. He's messaging first. Cool. That's usually how it works in the streets, so fine. He writes a message, or I would for him, and it would be something about this girls profile or something in her pictures. A sentence that usually involved some sort of question about something fun. What would these girls write back with? Nothing. Nothing that can be considered a human being involved in a conversation, anyway. 

"Oh, you're a model? Me too. Well, hand model. Gotta make this money holding these burgers."

"Lol. Yes."

Yes. Yes! What the hell is that? Is that how you keep a conversation going? One word answers?

"Hmmm. You're resume is amazing. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Horses."

"... Horses. As you in want to own a horse? Or race horses?"

"Lol. Betch."

"Uh huh. Well... okay."

Live. Laugh. Love. This is what tons of girls put in their profile. Live. Laugh. Love. Are you getting tired of seeing it yet? Or is it making you want to go out there and Live. Laugh. Love. Most times when a girl has Live. Laugh. Love. in her profile, it's all she has. That's it. Not 'I like this or that', just Live. Laugh. Love. Women, for christ sake, put something besides this. We just going with all words that start with L? Cool. They don't always have to be this, though. How about Ladle. Ladder. Lunch.? Or Letter. Lust. Louisiana.? Nothing wrong with those two. 

Walking the earth and listening to people talk about Tindr, it doesn't even seem like they want to date. People seem to just want to tell people about the messages they've sent to each.

"Yo, they said this to me, and then I said this."

"Oh, yeah. That's pretty funny. Are you going on a date with them?"

"Oh, man. They just said 'do you want to meet?', and I was like 'meet who? An owl?' Man, I'm clever."

That's what dating has turned into? People love posting these conversations they've had through on-line dating as well. This has just got to stop. Yes, they can go wrong. No, you are not funny or a hero for posting ones that are weird. 

"Here's what I have to deal with. Some dumb girl said this. Or some disgusting man told me about his dick. Ugh. Why does my life have to be this hard? Or is it? Is this what I REALLY wanted? Something to post on-line so that I look hilarious and cool? Yes, that's it. Dating is not what I'm here for. It's the posts! Look how funny I am!"

After being on both, I think Tindr might have been made to tell people in relationships to stay where they're at. Tindr seems like a cool thing when you're on the inside, but when you're out? It looks like it gets pretty sad, pretty quick. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh 

Robin Williams.

Very sad to hear about Robin Williams death. Very sad. 

I was lucky enough to see him perform live. While he was filming 'Man Of The Year' in Toronto, he stopped by a bunch of small shows. There was a rumour that he was going to stop by Spirits Open Mic. He did. The host of the show, Jo-anna Downey, told me later that when he came in he introduced himself.

"Hi. I'm Robin Williams."

"I know who you are!"

I thought that was a really nice story. A man who everyone knows, still introducing himself to the host of a bar show in Toronto. Robin went up, in a room that was packed with about ninety people, and did about twenty minutes. 

He was very famous before I was born. I came into a Robin Williams world. I and most people I know grew up on him. First time I can remember seeing him as a kid, was on a rerun of Mork And Mindy. Robin Williams as Mork was reading about Superman. He was upset about Superman's powers. Mork didn't think that his powers were good or strong enough, so he started writing a letter to him. I can't remember exactly what he said in the letter, but as he's writing it, Mindy walked in.

"Mork, where are you sending that letter?"

"Metropolis!"

Man, that made me laugh so hard as a kid. I still love that. I quoted it for years. Metropolis! 

I write this because of the huge talent and influence Robin Williams has been, but also I write this because being a comedian, most of us have problems that a lot of times we try to solve on our own. We put on a front. We pretend that we are fine. We give so much away. Not just going on stage in front of strangers. We give ourselves away when we are down on ourselves because a festival didn't book us, or a show, or movie. Whatever the case may be. We give so much of ourselves to others. We put our happiness in the hands of random chance, an audience, or booker. We doubt ourselves constantly. 

I've been in so many conversations with comedians about being depressed. About being sad that we're not in this position or that. About not being on a certain show. All kinds of things. A lot of times people will say, 'If I was doing this or that, I'd be happy.' Would you? Would being the star of a movie, being super famous, or having tons of money make you happy? Happiness can't only come from the outside. We are shown that time and time again. 

Everyone needs to talk to someone when they need help. There's no reason to face problems on your own. 

Self help books and articles.

Self Help books and articles about self help are running rampant right now. People are sending them around. People are reposting them everywhere. Articles that tell us how to be these great, rich, super hero's that are only seen with the hottest people, have the biggest bank accounts, the best hair and bodies, and are more productive than ants. Batman. They are telling us to be Batman.

"I just read this book read this book about time management. I need to buy a cape."

"What? Why?"

"SWEAR TO ME!..."

"... You're scaring me."

Do these help?  

First,  once you read one, you are going to read more. They become addicting. You read one book about how great and powerful you are going to be, why the hell would you not read another? It's a rush. People read the bible over and over again for god sake. Those are the same stories! When it's a self help book or article about your own personal growth, there can never be enough. Not the same with other type of self help books. If you need to fix something, and you read a book or article and figure out how to do it, that's it. 

"Alright, I gotta fix this chair. This book says, you just hammer the leg back in. Hmmm. Alright, well that felt great! Let's see what THIS book has to say about it. Woa! Same thing! God, I'm feeling great! I'm gonna be reading these all day! Wish I had this chair to sit in and read, but I'm feeling amazing!"

Most of these articles and books say the same things. They seem to be written by people who have read a bunch of self help literature themselves and just copied them. One will say, 'Be yourself', another will say 'Don't copy others'. Interesting. Are we supposed to believe those are different statements? 

"Alright, first things first. You want to be a millionaire? Don't use credit cards."

"Huh? Don't listen to that guy. You want to be a millionaire? Only pay cash."

"Don't use credit cards!"

"Only use cash!"

"... Guys, I think I got the answer. Thank you for both screaming it at me. Cash it is."

"Damn! He's not taking my advice of no credit cards!"

Most of the self help books are just a compilation of the list articles. Some maniac saw all of these and put his own spin on them. A lot of times it's a person who saw the list articles, and didn't think they were tough enough, or 'real' enough. So they took it upon themselves to make them more to the point. 

"Here's how you become great.

1. Stop being a loser.

2. Stop hanging out with losers.

3. You're mom's a loser. Get away from her.

4. Get up earlier.

That's it, stupid. You can follow that, you'll be a hero like me. A guy who wrote down ways to call you a failure and make you buy this book which makes me rich, thus, making ME a winner. You're a loser. I shouldn't even let you buy my book."

'Get up earlier' is a common theme in the articles and books. It's an interesting one. It only works for people who have schedules that don't make them be up late at night. Just about all of these tell you to get up earlier.

'You want to drive a Porsche and get blown? You think a woman is going to want to put your shrivel'd rod in her mouth when you're getting up at 8:30 in the morning? PLEASE. 8:30 doesn't turn hot, Russian blow job machines on. 4 am does."

You can't get up at four if you're going to bed at 3. Just not happening. What if you have a job where you work at night? You're just always going to fail? There's no hope for you?

"This book is interesting. It's telling me to get up at the same time I'm coming home from my night shift job. Well. No sleep for me if I want to get this headband business off the ground. My heart might stop, but not before people hear about my headband stand! 'Need a headband? No need to do a handstand, we're easy to find!' God that's a bad slogan. I need sleep."

At some point too, you'll probably be spending more time reading articles and books about being great and more productive than actually putting time into being more productive and great. But you'll THINK you're being productive and great. Be the same as reading muscle magazines and thinking that'll make you bigger on it's own.

"You going to the gym today?"

"Don't have to. I'm reading this magazine. 'Giant Calves and Me'. It's great! Says to do this many squats, this many crunches if you want to look like this complete animal on the cover. Jesus, I'm sweating just talking about it! Go to the gym? Come on, man. I got all the work out I need right here. Yo, can you spot me while I read this paragraph?"

A lot of these things too are just quotes from other people. Quotes. From people who are not writing this book or article! 

"Hey, guys. Here's a book that will tell you how to be great. Is it full of me telling you how to be great? Nope. Not me. Tons of other great people. Lot's of em. Get it. I'm an author!"

Can you do that? Is that an author? 

"Hey. I found a way to make money. I'm going to compile quotes from great people and sell them."

"Interesting. Can you do that? What have you done?"

"I put them all together. Geez. That's not worth $29.95?"

These articles are getting pretty insane. Pretty much a never ending list of ways to be. People really love posting these.

"Guys! Check out this article. Four hundred and fifty six ways that you can walk taller! It falls apart from one hundred and thirty seven to two hundred and four, but then it picks right back up!"

Didn't you yesterday have an update about walking into a door? How you smashed into it and dropped your coffee on your kid? One day later people are supposed to look to you for life advice? 

"Hmmm. Last update from this guy was that he fell out of of a moving car, but THIS one, he says 'Life opens up to those who open themselves up.' Well, I'm sold. I'm coming back here tomorrow for more advice!"

Is my writing about self help books in such a way some sort of self help article on it's own? Can we all write self help? I think the answer is yes to both. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh