Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Same movies at the same times. Huh?

It doesn't happen every summer, but sometimes if you're lucky – like seeing a shooting star or seeing somebody refuse seconds at a buffet – you'll see it. And when you see it, you'll be shocked, wondering how such a ridiculous mistake could have been made. Two movies that are basically the same in theatres at the same time. How could this be? Does anybody here know the giant mistake they've made!?

"Hey, guys. Do you know that you have two of the same movie playing here?"

"Huh? No. There's no way."

"There is! Look! End of the world movie, and another end of the world movie!"

"...I can't believe. I'm calling Hollywood."

This summer, it appears to be Oblivion and After Earth. Not exactly the same, but close. One is Tom Cruise as a serviceman stationed on an abandoned Earth. Morgan Freeman is around doing something. The other is Will Smith and his son who crash land on Earth one thousand years after all humans have left the planet. So – not IDENTICAL, but two movies in theatres at the same time that are both about characters being on an abandoned Earth?

The posters for these movies even look similar. Tom Cruise head beside Morgan Freeman head. A broken down Earth behind them. Will Smith head beside Will Smith son head, a broken down Earth behind them. Which team will save Earth? Or get off of Earth? Or just deal with the broken down Earth that they have found better than the other team? This happens a decent amount. You'll go to the theatre and see a poster for a movie you swear has already been made.

"'Huge Mother's Apartment'? Huh. That sounds a lot like 'Big Momma's House'. Hmmm, the tagline for the movie says, 'This Movie Is Nothing Like Big Momma's House'. Well, I'm sold!"

Why would Hollywood put out two of the same movies at the same time? Maybe it happens because they want two actors for the same movie, and instead of telling one no, they just write one for him as well.

"You gave WHO the part? But I had promised it to this guy!"

"I'm sorry. I had to make a decision today. I gave it to this guy."

"Well, you're gonna be up all night writing another romantic comedy about two bus drivers because my actor has got to be in one. I promised! How can I promise him a romantic comedy about two bus drivers and not deliver?"

"Well how the hell will I write another romantic comedy about two bus drivers?"

"Different routes? Duh."

"...No wonder you drive a better car than me."

Maybe they just wanted to see what the movie would be like starring two different groups of actors. Ever talked with someone about what it would be like if Sylvester Stallone, or another actor, starred in Jurassic Park? Or some other movie? The ol' "imagine if Arnold was in Police Academy?" conversation. Hollywood is playing that game but actually putting the movies out!

"I've got a movie about magic that Edward Norton is going to star in. It's gonna be big."

"Huh. I wonder what it would be like if Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman starred in it?"

"What? But you haven't even seen the one with Edward Norton yet."

"And I'm sure it'll be great, but hey, Christian and Hugh! Change a few words in your script and I'll get them on the phone."

Hollywood could just be putting out two of the same movie to pit actors against each other. Maybe it's to see who can draw more money. Just put two actors in identical movies at the same time and see which one an audience will go to see.

"These are both very talented men. Who do you think audiences would rather see save a city from a meteor?"

"Huh. I'm not sure. We could put both of them in a movie about meteors and see which one does better at the box office?"

"Wait, make TWO movies about a man saving a city from a meteor, see which one does better at the box office, then reward the actor with the higher grossing film by putting him in ANOTHER movie where he saves a city from meteors?"

"...Do you have a better idea?"

"...You know what? I actually don't. Ah, it really upsets me that I don't."

From asking around, apparently this is done because one movie studio doesn't want another movie studio to have a hit movie that they don't have. So movie studios buy up any type of script that they know other studios have bought up. Your studio buys a script about demonic robots? Another studio will buy a similar script. What's ridiculous is that while one studio puts theirs into production, the other studio gets jealous and does the same thing.

"Huh, starting production on your 'murderous car in small town Iowa' movie starring Liam Neeson? Well, I guess it's time to start production on our 'vengeful motorcycle in medium sized county' movie starring Jason Statham. We'll see whose vehicle does better this summer."

There are many examples of these movies. Here are a few.

Deep Impact / Armageddon. In one movie, Bruce Willis lands on a meteor and blows it up. In the other, Morgan Freeman is the president and the meteor hits earth. One teaches you that Bruce Willis is a hard ass inside or outside the ozone layer, and the shows you that Morgan Freeman would not make a good President.

The Prestige / The Illusionist. One of these movies about magic stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman. Hugh can't figure out how Christian does his tricks and it is driving him crazy. The other stars Edward Norton where he uses magic to win the love of an old flame. Both out in 2006, both at the same time. That's too much magic.

Dante's Peak / Volcano. This pairing could be the best. In Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones lives in LA when a volcano erupts. I would say that he stops it, but how the hell do you stop lava? In Dante's Peak, Pierce Brosnan is chilling on Dante's Peak, which is apparently the second most desirable place to live in America. But it's about to erupt! What will he do? Use his good looks to look at the volcano and say, "Not today, eruption! See how good I look!"

Who knows what the next great pairing of the same movie will be, but you can believe that it's coming.

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Waiting a day.

Jokes. People tell them all the time. When someone falls on his or her face, when a friend does something stupid. When your girlfriend gets a parking ticket.

"Wow, you parked there without looking at the signs? Should have gotten two tickets."

Jokes ease tension, calm situations and make things generally okay. These are usually done with people you know, though, about situations that are not life changing. When tragedies hit, people involved in them would not be making jokes. Not to friends, not to other people involved. But people online? Seems to be the first move.

I'm not saying that I don't think jokes should not be written about tragedies. I think they should. I don't see it as a bad thing, but – could we wait a day? Okay, with technology the way it is, a day is probably too long. An hour? Could we at least wait an hour? I saw a lot of the jokes, and I thought some were funny, but again, the first thought has to be how can I make this funny? That first hour, let's chill. Just write them down and pound them all out sixty minutes from the time of the event.

"Cool, an hour has gone by. I've written three pages of jokes. Twitter's gonna hate me for this, but here we go, seventy-eight tweets in a row."

If you were there and you had seen the explosion, people thrown around, would your first thought be, "Man, what is hilarious about this?" No, because if you were in the situation, you would care. When it's on a screen? We don't view it as anything. Can't we have some empathy for people? Why write jokes as people are still lying on the ground? While people are still bleeding. While people are still running around freaking out.

"Wow, that looks like a pretty insane situation... wait, was that guy who blew up wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? Whoa, ho ho! Joke time!"

Again, I think jokes are great. I think there can be jokes made about any and every situation. But right away? First thing? This is just my opinion, but I think things should be sat on for a minute.

These jokes are never for the victims either. They're not written to help them. If jokes were what they needed right away, then the EMTs rushing onto the scene with bandages and painkillers, would also be holding a bag of one-liners.

"Breathe, breathe! You've just been in an accident. I'm going to elevate your legs and while I'm doing that, peruse through this bag of jokes about what has just happened to you written by 'rationalminded' on Twitter."

"...What? Why would I do that?"

"Who's the EMT here, sir? Now this is going to sound weird, but the only way to fix that broken arm is to use it to write limericks. Do you have a pen?"

These jokes are never written with the intent to help people, they are written to raise your own profile. 

People who write jokes about these things immediately, usually use the argument when people start to care about a tragedy that other tragedies are going on in the world that you are not talking about.

"There is stuff happening all over the world. Why care about this? What's the big deal with this one?"

Simply that it's close to home. Sounds terrible, but that's how it is. Do you think people in North Korea were discussing what was happening in Boston?

"Hey, you hear about the marathon explosions?"

"...Are we allowed to be talking?"

No. People talk about what happens where they live unless where they live is in a small town where nothing happens. Then they talk about everything.

"Hey, Tom. You hear about what's going on in India?"

"Of course I have, Ted. It's either read about that or stare out my window at some trees. That reminds me, did I tell you that there is a new squirrel living in my backyard?"

"A new squirrel? You don't say."

Also, the people who come at the argument with an aggressive 'Well, things happen all over the world, you care about it happening here but not on the other side of the earth?' NEVER care about any of it. They think you're dumb for caring or asking about a specific tragedy when the world is full of them, but they are never people who volunteer, donate money, help charities. Nothing. Just try to tell you how dumb you are for caring about anything.

People say that you should be able to deal with tragedy any way you want. Sure. Fair enough. But if you're writing jokes about a tragedy, you are probably not affected by said tragedy. I'm sure that people who were there, or had family there, were not sitting at their computers trying to come up with a hilarious quip in under 140 characters.

"Oh, man, my brother was in that race! Let's see. 'My brother always wanted to have an explosive running career. He got it!' There we go. Now, I'll go see if he's okay."

The people who are writing jokes probably don't have any ties to the event. It's the rest of us. Who have nothing to do with it, who write jokes about such things. And I get it. It's gonna happen. If it were the other way around, people would be writing jokes about the tragedy you're involved in. To say that jokes about tragedies during them helps, who does it help? Does it help the other people writing jokes? Does it help the victims?

"Hey, looks like you lost a hand, but look at this tweet from a guy who has no attachment to this at all..."

"Oww.... oh, man. That is pretty funny. Oww."

Personally, when there is a big tragedy, some sort of act of terror, I think that we should have a technology snow day. Just take a day, get off of the internet and spend time with the world. Because nobody who was running in the Boston Marathon would have EVER thought something insane like that was going to happen. All that shows is that anything can happen. You have no idea if you'll be involved in something like that. So a tragedy like that should remind people to hang out and appreciate what's going on in your life. 

Not that it matters, but when something tragic happens, I get off of Twitter completely. Jokes seem weird, saying anything not related to the tragedy seems weird, and also, it could have been us. Why not take a minute to enjoy life?

twitter @nathanmacintosh