This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about
something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on
commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all
have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them.
Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm
sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.
"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"
"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."
the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes
long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to
be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way
to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a
commercial ever need to be this long?
"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."
right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their
spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At
"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."
should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it.
Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to
get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is
this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it
like a movie release?
"What do you do when they're surrounding
you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you
trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are
they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This
summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."
"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"
some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they
decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into
commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.
was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while
waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like
hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A
Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim
met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up?
Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around
somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."
must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short,
grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and
decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might
think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda
dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only
to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was
faded out in the background.
"What? This commercial for
skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial
for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are
skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?
Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every
company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper.
Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.
a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that
too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man?
Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men
who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking
Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up
even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'.
Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"
Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.
you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and
float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on
the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil
The only commercials that are not trying to be funny
are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa
need money. Don't they know that humor sells?
Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and
could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks
and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying
to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough
energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot.
What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to
have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."
watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain
televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you
really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.
"All right, time to fast forward through this."
"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"
"...Would you really eat either one of those?"
though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on
YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though,
you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to
get to a thirty-second video.
"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."
lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that
show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could.
Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?
not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry
Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I
have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand
ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."
also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in
places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to
"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can
drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends
inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it
at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar,
Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."