Superman Can Beat Batman

Batman VS Superman

Batman VS Superman is coming. Batman, known for having a belt with stuff in it is going to fight Superman, a man with all of the powers that imagination can come up with. Batman has a car. Superman can eat a car. Batman has money. Superman only has a day job to fit in with the rest of us goblins. He doesn't need it. Not even to pay his rent. 

'Hey, Clark, rent is due.'

' ...And?'

'What do you mean 'And'? Pay your rent or I'll throw your ass on the stre...'

'Get away from my door.'

'Are you crazy? This is MY door until you pay your ren...'

Clark sets his hands on fire.

'.... You got it, pal. Your door, your apartment, your all of it. JESUS I gotta do better background checks.'

The ONLY reason these two can meet up is that Superman has stupid morals. The guy is a wienie. Super wienie. He won't just grab people and kick through their chest. Even though he can, the power that is the strongest within him is the power that a religious mother instills in you. Morals. And because those are so strong, a movie like 'Batman VS Superman' can exist. 

Not sure why this is feasible, but people say that it's nuts that Rocky fought in Rocky Balboa. People were happy that Rocky didn't fight in Creed. People couldn't have bought the fact that a 69 year old man could box again. And sure, that is a bit nuts, but people are very excited to see a movie about a man who could rip ANYONE on the planet in half with his breath. ESPECIALLY people without powers that aren't connected to their bank accounts. 

There are COUNTLESS ways that Superman could beat Batman. Here are a few. 

CANCEL BRUCE WAYNE'S BANK ACCOUNTS

You want to stop Batman? Take his money. Without money he's just a guy who knows how to fight and is sad about his dead parents. Superman can walk into a bank, and say 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' When the teller says, 'I can't do that without Mr. Wayne's authorization', Superman uses his breathe to to freeze a pen, snaps it in half, and says, 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' That account is now frozen, and Bruce is siphoning gas in a Target parking lot. 

THROW HIM INTO THE SUN

Batman runs at Superman to hit him with a Judo kick, Superman grabs his leg and throws him into the sun. Batman dies well before he hits the sun, but his lifeless body hits it and bursts into flames. Or while Batman is cruising the city, Superman can fly under the Batmoblie, pick it up, and throw it into the sun. One minute, Batman is listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman, getting in the mood to bust perps, next he's turned to nothing by the sun. 

FREEZE HIM AND SMASH HIS FROZEN BODY

While Bruce Wayne is asking Alfred to get him a glass of orange juice, Superman smashes through his ceiling and lands behind him.

'Hello, Bruce. Need some Vitamin C?'

'Ah god!'

Superman breathes on Bruce, who freezes from the floor to the top of his head. Alfred walks back in with the orange juice.

'Well, Master Wayne, I guess you don't need ice.'

Superman picks Bruce up and smashes him on the floor. Alfred takes a piece of Bruce and puts it into the juice and takes a sip. 

'Always thought you were a bit chilly, Master Wayne.'

TAKE HIM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA AND LEAVE HIM THERE

Batman's just woken up from a twenty minute nap he's taken. He stretches, and hits the floor to do his daily thousand push ups, and bam! Through the floor, comes Superman. 

'Damn you, Superman! I was just beginning my workout!'

'Well, now you're just beginning your drown out.'

'.... You're not very good at the one liners, are you?'

'Not my strong suit, you're right.'

Superman fly's Batman over the Atlantic ocean and dives towards the bottom. Batman holds his breath. As Superman is speeding to the bottom, Batman's head explodes from the pressure. Superman stands a headless Batman on his feet at the sea floor.

'Who'd not good at one liners now, Batman?! Who?!.... Me. Still me.' 

Kill Him With His Penis

Batman is sitting on a gargoyle, as he does, balancing himself while looking down over his city.

'Hmmmm... it's quiet.'

Superman floats in front of him.

'Hmmmm.... Superman.'

'Yes.'

Batman throws a batarang at Superman. Superman let's it hit him right in the teeth, laughs. 

'That's it, huh?'

Superman, in an uncharacteristic move, is wearing jeans. 

'Ziiiiiiiiiiip.'

Superman's penis flops out of the denim. 

'Look at it.'

Batman looks away.

'Look at it!'

Batman looks at his hands. 

'.... Just kill me.'

Superman wraps it around Batman's neck and chokes him. 

'Agh! Ahhhh!'

Batman reaches for his 'Superman Penis Around My Neck Repellent'. It's not there.

'Looking for this?'

Superman drinks the repellent while Batman dies. 

GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY BATMAN

As baby Bruce stands there, watching his parents die in the street after being shot, Superman shows up.

'Hello, Bruce. This is the day that starts your transformation into Batman. And one day you will want me dead.'

'.... What? First off? There's a LOT going on right now. My parents were murdered, you just told me I'm going to be Bat.... Man.... and wow, you showed up out of nowhere and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!'

'I'm your end.'

Superman grabs baby Bruce and rips him in half. 

SIMPLY BEAT HIM UP

Bruce is heading to his closet a suit for a black tie affair, and in flies Superman.

'Superman!'

'Batman.'

'Fight me.'

Batman throws a punch, Superman takes it, breaking Batmans hand. Superman then punches Batman in the head, it's over. Done. Super done. 

THROW A TOYOTA CAMRY AT BATMAN

Batman is sitting at home on his Batcomputer. He's looking up the latest on super criminals in the area. 

'Huh, the Joker donated a bunch of toys to a local charity. THAT can't be good.'

Superman is in Illinois. Shopping for baseballs. He decides, today is the day. He's going to kill Batman. As he leaves a Dick's Sporting Goods, he spots a Toyota Camry. 

'I'm going to throw your car at Batman's Batcave.'

'You ain't doing NOTHING to my ca....'

Superman picks up this mans car, and throws it at the Batcave. 

'Huh, Killer Croc has gone into real estate. Must keep an eye on h....'

Right then, a Toyota Camry comes crashing through his wall and kills him. 

Superman won't do any these things but thankfully, he won't have to kill Batman! Because in the trailer, it CLEARLY shows that WonderWoman shows up, says something like 'Are you boys going to keep having this dick measuring contest up or you going to take your dicks and put them together in the team up way that you're supposed to?' Batman and Superman then put down their rulers, tuck their dicks, shake hands, un tuck their dicks, and shake dicks. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Why I, Hilary Clinton, Dressed Like A Scarecrow

"Running for President is a tough thing. There are many factors to take into consideration. How will I keep the country safe?  How will I stop terrorism? How am I going to have a good crop this year? How will I keep my corn alive and free from devastating crows? Well, some of those I don't have the answer too, but one is easy. I KNOW how to keep crows away from my crops. Crows HATE burlap sacks. If a sack had potatoes in it, crows run the other way. So if I want to protect crops, I need to scare away crows. That is why I wore, a burlap sack. 

There are a LOT of places that crows can attack. It's not just the fields. Hell, you could be driving in your car on the highway and a crow could fly through your window. One minute you're listening to Steely Dan, the next your fighting a Steely eyed crow! Well, not me. A crow won't fly through MY drivers side window and change my radio station. I will wear crows kryptonite. I will wear, a burlap sack.

Guns are a huge issue in this country. Should we all have guns? Would the country be safer if every single human being had a smoke wagon on their hip? Guns don't kill crops. Crows kill crops. All the guns in the world will not stop crows. Their tiny little bird brains do not know what a gun in. They see a gun, and still head toward that cabbage. What does stop crows? A potato bag. That is to say, a bag that at one point in time held potatoes. That is why, I wore a burlap, sack. 

As you, the people of the world, watch the Presidential Candidate Debates, one thing you are NOT aware of, are the buildings that we debate in. We have metal detectors for spectators. We have police patting people down people on their way in to make sure there are no weapons being allowed in. There are NO crow detectors. There are NO farmers looking at people's shoes for tiny little legs that could only be the stick legs of crows that are jammed into a Puma sneaker. There are NO ears of corn swiped under the noses of people walking in to see if they are humans or a dirty, dirty crow. NOTHING. Now, I COULD stand on the stage defenceless, much like the very brave democratic candidates to my right and left, but I want to protect America, and how can I protect an entire country if I do not protect myself? From ALL onslaughts? From even the dirtiest of birds, the crow?  So I, wore, a burlap sack.

We've all seen video of ISIS. We've all seen human beings wearing all black from head to toe. Now, I ask you, have you ever SEEN one of these humans actually getting INTO one of these full black outfits? Hmm? No, you haven't. How do we know these are human beings at all? How are we so sure that these are not awful, terrible crows that want our crops? It is my FIRM belief, that ISIS is made up of a murder of crows. We all know how to scare crows. It's by showing them a sack that at one time held potatoes. That is why I, wore a, burlap, sack.

The President of the United States must keep the country safe. Must keep the country safe at ALL times, and in all situations, and from al birds. Cities, towns, villages, bushes, woods, marshlands, malls, and fields. Of course fields. Crows will not just attack crops in a field. They'll attack crops in a mall, in your hand, in your babies mouth if you let them. How do you stop a crow and protect the nation? You COULD swipe at it with a broom. You could throw salt in it's eyes as it flaps and squawks towards you. Or you COULD, take down crows mentally. At their root. Right where they live. Bags that hold potatoes terrify them. That is why I, wore a burlap sack.

I am Hilary Clinton, and I am running for Scarecrow Of Life."

8 Measurements Of Hot Future Christmas's Will Be

This Holiday season is a hot one! We're taking habanero pepper hot. We're talking banana pepper hot. We're talking any pepper other than green hot. We're talking HEAT baby. Christmas itself is forecast right now to be as nice as a spring day. Hot Chocolate will be able to be made by just leaving a cup of cold chocolate outside and letting the sun do it's job. This so far is one of the hottest winters in recent history, and will only get hotter. How hotter? Lot hotter. 

Opening Night To A Star Wars Movie Hot

If you've walked the earth that last forty years, you know these are HOT. Piping hot. Scald your bag hot. Waiting in a hallway with a ton of people wearing a jedi robe with butter on their hands hot. Weathermen are going to have a day on Tatooine with this. 

'It's a hot one out there. It's like a ten year wait between Star Wars movies hot! It's a brand new director and a different direction of a beloved franchise hot! Toss your shirt in the trash and get the sunscreen! George Lucas has nothing to do with this heat!'

Charlie Sheen After That Interview Hot

Woa, baby. You remember this. Tiger Blood. After this? Sheen was hotter than a grilled cheese sandwich covered in Frank's Red Hot. Sheen was hot enough to turn water into tea as he stomped past. The man went from being a person who had never performed on stage to selling out huge places to screaming fans. Weatherman's going to have a field day with this.

'This Christmas, expect to be winning with this unseasonal heat! It's hot enough to call your boss a faggot and still be able to sell out theatres! Santa will have poetry in his fingertips tonight!'

Grilled Cheese Covered In Franks Red Hot Hot

Woa, daddy. You ever pick up a grilled cheese sandwich right out of the pan? Yow, that'll burn you. You ever then toss Frank's Red Hot on the top and take a bite of this damn this? Wooooo, daddy your mouth burning. Your mouth BURNing. When your mouth is on fire like that, you will KNOW that it is about time to open presents under the tree. Weathermen are going to be snapping their gums to this.

'It's a hot one out there today. Merry Christmas and take a sip of that milk yourself. If Santa can see through this fog, he MIGHT be able to make it to you house. Hot cheese weather out there.'

Camp Fire Hot

Ever been near a camp fire? Ever fallen in and burnt your left leg, your dominate leg? Ever try to put the fire out with your right leg and fall over into the fire? Then you KNOW how awful this Christmas is going to be. It's going to feel like two burnt legs on an upcoming Christmas. The weather man on this day will be holding a flashlight under his chin telling creepy stories about monsters that live in the woods to this one.

'Tonight's forecast? OOOooooooooo..... Hot. Santa will be covering himself in bug spray to block the mosquito's from his face hot. He'll be wearing a mesh tank top. Put ice cubes in those glasses milk, everyone, his mouths gonna be dry!'

Fish Grease Hot

This is a Christmas you're going to want to stay away from.  Fish Grease is HOT. HOT baby. You can't cook fish in cold grease. That would just be a soggy piece of fish. You need that grease to be HOT. Mars hot. Inside of a mouth, hot. This Christmas is going to be spitting oil in your face hot. When's it fish grease Christmas, you can kiss your undies goodbye. It'll just be napkins over the crotch kind of hot.

Napkin Over The Crotch Hot

Oooooo, this one here? THIS will be a hot Christmas. This Christmas will be SO HOT, that even Hanes, breathable, affordable, comfortable Hanes, will be like putting a furnace on your genitals. The ONLY thing you'll be able to toss over the jewels is a White Castle napkin. 

'What about a KFC napkin?'

Try them out. You'll see. White Castle napkins have the lowest thread count of any napkin. White Castle napkin is the ONLY breathable, affordable, comfortable napkin for your privates on this hot Christmas. 

Hollywood Hogan in '97 Hot

If you were old enough to remember this, you know this is a Christmas you're going to be walking in thong sandals in. Hogan in '97 was HOT. Hot, daddy. Man was cooking eggs just by looking at them. Bread was becoming toast when Hogan walked by. Then that toast became French Toast if he stayed in the room a minute. Man could leg drop an ice berg and melt it he was so hot. This Christmas is going to be twenty thousand screaming fans in an arena hot. Weathermen are going to be ripping their shirts off on this one.

'Well we're standing next to a mountain, chop it down, with 32 degrees celsius this Christmas! Standing next to a mountain, and it's 32 degrees celsius, on Jesus birthday!'

Snow Will Be Talked About In Past Tense Hot

Christmas keeps getting hotter, and snow on Christmas will be a distant memory. Snow will be shown on Christmas in museums. Snow on Christmas will be in history books. People will talk about it. 

'Remember snow?'

'Yeah, I remember snow, Gary. I remember snow, blockbuster, Pepsi Blue. Any other GEMS to drop today, GARY?'

'.... No.'

'It's snowing' will never be said again. Soon will be replaced with sand. You'll know it's Christmas time when the world outside your window looks like Mad Max. 

'Look! The cars covered in sand! People are walking around wearing goggles with scarves wrapped around their faces! It's Christmas time in the city!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh