Human Like Robots. Do we need them?

Every couple of weeks there is some horrifying, pseudo horror movie footage of robots that scientists have been cooking up in their death labs. Lumbering, unbelievably scary robots stumbling through a bunch of boxes set up to mimic wooded terrain. A giant, creepy robot that is LEARNING to walk the way we do. Am I the only one disturbed by this? They should string these videos together and release them as a horror movie.

'Oct 18th, see the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your life.'

'Noooo, no! Stop stumbling like that! STOP IT!'

'This Halloween.... The Future!'

Why do we want human robots? For war? Is that the deal?  If we're making them for war, OKAY, but, there's no way they'll be used just for that. No. Way. Drones were apparently made for war, now they're taking pictures of people in their houses, or dropping off packages for Amazon. These human robots will be the same. A robot FedEx driver is coming. I heard recently they are talking about having robotic umpires. Umpires! No more guy who used to watch his dad cry at the ballpark when some of his chili dog splashed onto this favourite jersey. Now, a dead eyed, unfeeling, 'does not care at all' about this game umpire. That would completely destroy play reviews. Would be done.

'Ooooo, robot ump calls that safe, but the teams coach wants a review.'

'I REVIEWED IT SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE I MADE THE CALL. I AM MACHINE. I EVEN REVIEWED THE REVIEW. HE'S SAFE.'

'Ooooo, and the coach is coming out of the dug out to have a word with this bot from hell. Oh mama! And the robot rips the coach in half! Dear daddy, this game is heated.'

Have we not seen the movies about these things? Do we some how think we are better than writers in Hollywood? So many times, writers have written about some disgustingly gross company making robots that were meant to help people, but alas! The damn human like robot that the disgustingly gross company made wants to eat kids!

Honestly, what is everyone's fascination with seeing things from movies twenty years ago come to life? Video phones. Robot warriors. Devices that do every single thing that can be done. Doesn't it seem that scientists have been hired to make things that we all saw in movies in the 80's?

'Hey, Total Recall was cool? How about making that machine that sends you on vacation without actually sending you on vacation? That didn't have any problems. And woa! You see Terminator? So sweet. Get to making that robot that protected the kid. NOT the other one. To repeat. Helpful, fun, protect a kid bot. NOT death, sharp, liquid metal robot.'

'That 'protect a kid' robot started out as a bad guy, 'kill the kid' robot.'

'Hey, I'm talking, buddy. OH. And what about that ED 209 robot from Robocop?! Get too it, guys. I'll be in my office if you need me, drinking the blood of rare birds.'

Two things are going to be ending up happening with these robots. One, people will have sex with them. That's fact. There is no WAY a human like robot will be made that someone isn't gonna want to hit.

'Woa! Look at this thing. What's it do?'

'This robot cleans your house.'

'Sweeeeet. You can sex it, right?'

'Ah... no. This robot cleans you...'

'Ohhhhh, it'll clean something alright. Clean my DI...!'

'Sir, please. There's kids around.'

'Whatever. Rap up my sex bot. I'll pull my truck around. It'll be the one with the guy who's ROCK HARD in the front.' *slaps robots ass*

These robots will also be used for very menial things. Why? Nobody wants to do anything. Example of that is self driving cars. At first, they were talked about for taking over long haul truck driving. Instead of forcing a person with a soul to drive for DAYS for barely any money, they would be robotic. I'm not for this either. Just treat trucker drivers better. Now though, self driving cars. Why buy a damn car if you aren't going to drive it? 

'Just bought this.'

'How's it drive?'

'Good, man. Just kick my feet up and do NOTHING. I'm on my phone. Where I REALLY want to be. All the time I save not steering this car that I bought? Buddy. I am REALLY getting a lot of texts out.'

People are always talking about wanting more time. Trying to get away from doing life things to have more time. What in the hell do people want to do with all the time that they 'save'? Party? Vacation? The reason you like doing things like these is because there are things that you don't want to do that you have to do to be able to do the things you want to do. The beach isn't the best if you can just go there whenever you want. If you don't have to do anything tedious, the things you really like will become tedious. A lot of time is spent doing things tedious. Grocery shopping, buying clothes, walking to a place. That's life.  Why are we trying to do absolutely nothing? 

'This is so sweet! I have robots that do everything for me. Make food, pick up my kids, have sex with my wife. Now I can do the things I really want to do! Sort these coins. I love sorting coins. Alllllright. Let's do..... Ugh. Sorting coins sucks. Back to my phone.'

That'll be what happens.  We'll use these damn robots to do things for us so that we can play Candy Crush. Guaranteed. But then, people will not want to use their phones. We'll have robots that do that. We'll have robots that check our phones for us, so that we can just sit down and do NOTHING. Just sit down, stare at a wall, and do NOTHING. 

'What's happening on my phone, robot?'

'TEXTS. FACEBOOK LIKES. LIKE TO RESPOND?'

'Ahhhh. I'm chilling.' *goes back to staring at hands.*

These scientist should be stopped. Currently, they are doing two awful things. Creating robots that are not needed and for sure will kill us, and ignoring children they have that will maybe kill them or one of us. 

' i have to make a human like robot.'

'You know that you created an ACTUAL human, right?'

'Yeah, but it runs on blood. Not good enough.'

Go hug the people you created, scientists. Leave the other one you are trying to create alone.

@nathanmacintosh

Fat head.

I had a fat head. For awhile. The one up there. Did I notice that I had a fat head? Not really. People every once in awhile would make some comment about me. Somebody would mention something. I didn't really notice it. But then, last year on my birthday, in an act of kindness, Liz bought me a slice of cake for my birthday. In the cake, she put a picture of my face on a stick as a joke. The picture up there. I truly hated this picture. It was a picture of me, at some damn point in time over the last few years, with a god damn salt filled head. Just a giant head. In a cake! This was horrifying to me. 

'Happy birthday!'

'Ah my GOD. THAT'S what I look like? And THAT'S what I'll continue to look like if I eat this cake?'

'Ha...ppy Birt....hda...y to....'

'No! I look like a slug in pants!' *Throws cake against wall*

'Why do you always ruin things?! Why?!"

"It's my birthday! I'll ruin it if I want to! Don't make me yell, it makes my stupid fat head jiggle!"

That picture is and has been beside me at this desk for one year. I look at it every once in awhile and think, 'Jesus. No chocolate today.'

Chocolate actually was never the issue. You know what I was addicted to? The piece of food that I probably had two pounds of a week for about four straight years? Wings. Ol' dirty wings. I LOVED wings. The sauce, the chicken, the damn blue cheese. Loved it all. I would eat these for dinner. Dinner! On just about every menu they are an appetizer. People decided years ago that these were BEFORE a meal. Maybe to split with a couple of people. But for me? No way.

'Excuse me. Would I be able to just get some bread. Like two orders of bread.'

'Of course. And for dinner?'

'Wow. Did you not hear me you? Maybe you'll hear this, garCON. BREAD. THAT is the dinner. The dinner... is.... BREAD. LOTTA balls on the french.' 

Wings were my deal. When I was about ten, my mom would take me and my brother to this bar. This bar was in a mall, and directly outside the bar was an arcade. When arcades were a thing, sick, and every game was fifty cents max. My brother and I would play games in here forever. It was great. In the bar though, we would eat chicken wings. Why? They were ten cents. Ten cents a wing! At a time when wings were a thing, but people looked way down on them. 

'We're gonna toss these in the trash. Cool?'

'I'll give you ten cents for one of them.'

'You think other people would?'

'I don't know. Can I have the one that I'm willing to pay for?'

Would eat like twenty wings here. This went on here for years. Then in high school, I used to go to this bar that had karaoke, and a wing night. Wings by this time had gone up a bit in price. This wing night was thirty cents a wing. I remembered being angry about that. 

'Thirty cents? Back in my day, you could get THREE wings for that?!'

'Nathan, you're 18.'

'Yeah, and BACK IN THE DAY, when I wasn't PAYING for them, they were cheaper.'

There was also a time years ago when I was addicted to Lime Coke and Dill Pickle chips. Loved these. One Friday after work, I bought three big bags of Dill Pickle chips and a two litre bottle of the Lime. Went home, and played Midnight Club Three: Dub Edition. Crushed two bags of those chips that night, and like half the bottle. Just stupid. The last couple years, I didn't notice too much. My last day job five years ago, I bought a can of pringles on pretty much every lunch break, and eat the whole thing! 

'Huh. Once you pop you can't stop, right Nathan?'

'What?'

'You're eating a can of pringles.'

'And? So what?'

'The chips are gone. You're just eating the can.'

'... Jesus, CHRIST. Gotta get my stuff together.'

Seeing this picture of myself in a cake is what made me get serious. That gross head, to me, made me say no cake is worth this. My birthday is next month, and I'm going near cake. Unless it's carrot. And all the cake stuff has been taken out and it's just a carrot on a plate. 

'Happy birthday, Nathan! Here is a piece of ca.....'

'Carrot? You're about to say carrot, right!? I swear to GOD if I see cake I'm flipping this place!'

'Why do you always have to ruin things?'

'It's my birthday! I'll ruin this damn thing if I wa... Oh, it's not cake. It is a carrot.'

'Ha...ppy Birth....day.... to.... oh god.'

'Don't cry. It'll make me want to eat cake and get a fat head again.'

*Note* I'm not an animal. The above will not happen. And I'll probably have cake on my birthday. But, that fat head? I CANnot again. This is my own thing. You do whatever you want. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Reasons Kanye Shouldn't perform in Canada-Ye

For the closing ceremonies of the Pan Am games in the city of Toronto, some brilliant human being had the great idea to book Kanye West. To perform. Not to just show up and say 'hello', he would ACTUALLY perform some of his huge songs to people who have heard of him. He would put on a huge show in front of people who have heard his music at parties and had a great time. That's disgusting. People DO NOT want this man to perform at the closing ceremonies, and I am one of them. Why should he perform there? Who made that ridiculous call!? Just. Terrible. Here are some reasons that Kanye should NOT close the Pan Am games. 

The Canadian Dollar Is LOW

Kanye West is a massive star. He has been making great music and giving us great entertainment for over ten years. He is paid very highly for this. Now he's supposed to make CANADIAN money? That's gross. NO ONE should be paid in Canadian money. No one. Not sure what he charges for shows, but let's say it's $300,000. He'll be paid that in CANADIAN, and when he goes home to his super mansion, that will be worth $231,000 American. $231,000! He'll go to buy his daughter a $70,000 dollar necklace, and realize that he doesn't have it. If he performs in Canada, he will be underpaid. Do we want ANYone to be underpaid? No. No we do not. 

He Doesn't Need To Go To Cold Places Anymore.

The man fought through winters in his life. Chicago is NOT messing around at all when it comes to winter. Chicago gets so cold that it actually freezes the entire state of Illinois, and makes Missouri cold. Canada is cold. Right now? Not cold, but MAN, Kanye doesn't need this. He could be on a beach, still thawing out from the winter of '96 in Chicago. Don't make this man, perform in a city of cold winters and people. Just. Don't. It's not fair. If anything, have him close out the PanAm games, but take them to Florida, or South America, or the Sun. Don't stay in cold Canada. Don't do this. 

He'll Have To Cross The Border

If Kanye closes the Pan Am games, he'll have to cross the Canadian border. THAT thing, is not the best. The border guards will look Kanye in the face, and say, 'What are you coming to Canada for?' And he will have to say, 'I'm Kanye West.' And they will say, 'Yes. But what brings you to Canada?' And he will have to say, 'I'm Kanye West. I rap. I do shows. I am Kanye West.' And they will say, 'Yes, we know all this, but what are you DOING here?' The Kanye will have to look in their eyes, look down in disbelief, think about how big you have to get before people understand why you travel, and then take a sip of espresso. Don't put this man through this. He doesn't need a border guard pushing him around. 

Toronto Can't Offer Kanye Anything To Do

'Kanye, welcome to our city! Notice that people will give you bad looks for no reason at all. But hey, no worries! We have plenty of things for you to do. You can go to Dundas Square! It's like Times Square but worse. You can go to High Park! It's a... park... thing, way over there. You can go to the CN Tower. Ooooooo. It's tall, man! We have Queen St, where you can buy clothes that you wore five years ago but only now do people here think they're cool. Yonge st! It's the longest street in the world! The downtown part of it is pretty cool, there's a big MALL on it, and if you keep walking just a little bit, it turns into a weird porn store fiasco where you can get clothes for strippers and prostitutes. But THEN, it gets good again! And then bad again. It's really long!'

Kanye can go to the Canary Islands and have margaritas shipped in from the Virgin Islands. He doesn't need to be at these PanAm games. 

If Kanye Is Performing In Canada For People That Don't Even Want Him, He Won't Be Making New Music

While Kanye is in Toronto, performing to people who are yelling, 'I signed a petition for you not to be here! I wanted Rush!', he could be in the studio making more of the great music that he makes.  He could be in a studio making music for people who actually want it, not performing to people from the woods who would rather here Kim Mitchell. Might as well go to the studio, Kanye. Nobody yells at you to leave, and people who like what you do might cry. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh