Subway Had Fallen Apart a LONG Time Ago

Jared - so famous from losing weight through a sub cleanse that he only needs one name - has pled guilty to charges of having child porn and paying to have sex with minors. What's the fate of Jared? The man is more toasted than Italian herb and cheese. Subway has cut ties with him and I'm sure a lot of people will stop going there.

'Hey, you guys wanna eat at that place that a pedo used to stomp around in?'

'Your uncle's house?'

'Hilarious, man. Just hilarious.... Ya know, my aunt does make a mean egg salad.'

Jared has come crashing down. News outlets are ripping him apart. Heard him described as a 'fall from grace.' Fall from grace? He was a gigantic man who ate subs for money. There wasn't that much grace to fall from. The guy's entire fame was built on the fact that he lost hundreds of pounds eating bread. There's no WAY he lost that weight eating subs. How? No bread? No condiments? Did you just eat the yoga mats they used before putting them into bread? How did you do it?

'Can I have a sub?'

'Sure. What kind of bread?'

'No bread, thank you. And can you make the sub grilled chicken and broccoli?'

'...On what?'

'Look. There are people watching me. I have to keep my damn weight off. Just blow some oregano in my face and call it a cold cut.'

Jared became famous by turning a place that you go to when you're in a crunch for lunch into a fitness center, and we called him a hero for it. Why? Why did we ever believe that this was how he lost weight? We were really dumb about food in the late 90s/early 2000s.

'Huh. Makes sense. A giant piece of bread with tons of meat and cheese on it, topped with BBQ sauce DOES seem like a healthy option. I mean, it's not fried! That's gotta mean something!'

It is our fault, though. We didn't really ask WHICH kind of subs were the healthy ones. We just heard 'Subway is healthy' and went 'Sweet! Yes, extra cheese. I wanna be down ten pounds by summer!' 

Even if we DID know and care about the healthy subs, it's VERY hard to order a healthy sub when the unhealthy subs are advertised RIGHT BESIDE the healthy subs. You're going to try to eat well? You want to slim down? That's cool and everything, but for just fifty extra cents, you can get a sub that will actually taste good. 

'Well, I DO have that extra fifty cents. And I mean, that high school reunion isn't for aWHILE. Yep, I'll get the largest, cheesiest sub you have. Get these two quarters out of my pocket!'

We just didn't care! We heard Subway was healthy and before they could finish we went 'Ah ah ah, I got it. Go to Subway, eat healthy. On it.'

'No. But you can't just...'

'I'm GOING. What is wrong with you? Going right now. Order anything off the menu, I'll get healthy.'

No working out? No walking? Just crush a six inch Italian B.M.T on honey wheat? Strange way to lose weight.

'Welcome to the gym, everyone. Thanks for signing up. Now, let me tell you, you didn't have to do this. You know that Subway you passed? Well, you just do 12 reps of a footlong everyday and you'll lose weight. Yep. Fact. You wanna know what's lighter and easier to lift than actual weight? Subs. It's a fact. Subs.'

Subway used to care. In the late 90s/early 2000s, Subway cared about customers. When you would get a meatball sub, they would just load it up. Meatballs would be flopping all over the place. The artist would toss an extra couple of meatballs in the bag like napkins. Then Subway went corporate. 

'Meatball sub? Okay. Six inch? That is exactly 3.5 meatballs. Let me just cut this one in half. THERE we go. Taking ALL the fun out of lunch. BBQ sauce? Uh huh. Just a quarter tablespoon, annnnnnnnnd bam! Here is your completed, factory made sub. I am a robot.'

Subway changed a lot once this started happening. You MAY have been able to lose weight on the old Subway. A Subway where real food had at least been in the building. You CANNOT lose weight at the new Subway. The old Subway had lettuce from that day. Bread that was baked in or around the Subway. The meat was from an animal that walks the earth. The new Subway? NOTHING but terrible food. Lettuce is hanging on for dear life. The bread is made out of something that scientists are still studying. If anyone is able to lose weight on THIS Subway, THAT person should be famous.

'All I do is eat food that is manufactured and I lost three hundred pounds!'

'Wow! How in the hell did you do that?'

'Well, I cry a lot. I think that helps. AND I weep. Crying takes the weight off, weeping keeps it off.'

People are always shocked by a celebrity's actions. Why do people get famous and drive cars into pools? Why do celebrities think they can do whatever they want? Fame makes a lot of people think they are untouchable. Look at this guy! Got famous being the only man to ever eat SUBS and lose weight, thought he could get away with the most heinous stuff imaginable. He had no talent, wasn't a good looking person, and YET, fame came HIS way and boom. Touching kids, and not only that, having conversations with people about how much he liked to do it AND conversations with a mother about her own kids! Fame just makes people think they can do whatever they want.

'I'm in a band. I'm going to smash this.'

'Nice. I fell out of some big pants on television. I'm about to Freddy Krueger some kids but in real life.'

'Hey, you earned it. It is YOUR face on that bus.'

If Jared thought he had talent, he just found out that he does not. I mean, we defend TALENTED people against big accusations. Michael was ACCUSED of touching kids, people defended it. Woody Allen as well. Michael's talents are completely incomparable. Woody's career is unbelievable. Jared? Jared ate subs for money. NO ONE is coming to his aid. 

'I don't know. I just think he was the best sub eater on the planet. I mean, the guy could REALLY hold up a pair of big jeans that he used to wear. I'm team Jared all the way. Never be another like him.'

Jared hit the fitness lottery. No workout routine. No informercials selling products that shrink your abs and grow your biceps while you shower. 'Shower your way to a six pack!' No discernible talent or even a larger than life personality. Just a weight loss story that made him famous. It's a much different story now.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Human Like Robots. Do we need them?

Every couple of weeks there is some horrifying, pseudo horror movie footage of robots that scientists have been cooking up in their death labs. Lumbering, unbelievably scary robots stumbling through a bunch of boxes set up to mimic wooded terrain. A giant, creepy robot that is LEARNING to walk the way we do. Am I the only one disturbed by this? They should string these videos together and release them as a horror movie.

'Oct 18th, see the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your life.'

'Noooo, no! Stop stumbling like that! STOP IT!'

'This Halloween.... The Future!'

Why do we want human robots? For war? Is that the deal?  If we're making them for war, OKAY, but, there's no way they'll be used just for that. No. Way. Drones were apparently made for war, now they're taking pictures of people in their houses, or dropping off packages for Amazon. These human robots will be the same. A robot FedEx driver is coming. I heard recently they are talking about having robotic umpires. Umpires! No more guy who used to watch his dad cry at the ballpark when some of his chili dog splashed onto this favourite jersey. Now, a dead eyed, unfeeling, 'does not care at all' about this game umpire. That would completely destroy play reviews. Would be done.

'Ooooo, robot ump calls that safe, but the teams coach wants a review.'

'I REVIEWED IT SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE I MADE THE CALL. I AM MACHINE. I EVEN REVIEWED THE REVIEW. HE'S SAFE.'

'Ooooo, and the coach is coming out of the dug out to have a word with this bot from hell. Oh mama! And the robot rips the coach in half! Dear daddy, this game is heated.'

Have we not seen the movies about these things? Do we some how think we are better than writers in Hollywood? So many times, writers have written about some disgustingly gross company making robots that were meant to help people, but alas! The damn human like robot that the disgustingly gross company made wants to eat kids!

Honestly, what is everyone's fascination with seeing things from movies twenty years ago come to life? Video phones. Robot warriors. Devices that do every single thing that can be done. Doesn't it seem that scientists have been hired to make things that we all saw in movies in the 80's?

'Hey, Total Recall was cool? How about making that machine that sends you on vacation without actually sending you on vacation? That didn't have any problems. And woa! You see Terminator? So sweet. Get to making that robot that protected the kid. NOT the other one. To repeat. Helpful, fun, protect a kid bot. NOT death, sharp, liquid metal robot.'

'That 'protect a kid' robot started out as a bad guy, 'kill the kid' robot.'

'Hey, I'm talking, buddy. OH. And what about that ED 209 robot from Robocop?! Get too it, guys. I'll be in my office if you need me, drinking the blood of rare birds.'

Two things are going to be ending up happening with these robots. One, people will have sex with them. That's fact. There is no WAY a human like robot will be made that someone isn't gonna want to hit.

'Woa! Look at this thing. What's it do?'

'This robot cleans your house.'

'Sweeeeet. You can sex it, right?'

'Ah... no. This robot cleans you...'

'Ohhhhh, it'll clean something alright. Clean my DI...!'

'Sir, please. There's kids around.'

'Whatever. Rap up my sex bot. I'll pull my truck around. It'll be the one with the guy who's ROCK HARD in the front.' *slaps robots ass*

These robots will also be used for very menial things. Why? Nobody wants to do anything. Example of that is self driving cars. At first, they were talked about for taking over long haul truck driving. Instead of forcing a person with a soul to drive for DAYS for barely any money, they would be robotic. I'm not for this either. Just treat trucker drivers better. Now though, self driving cars. Why buy a damn car if you aren't going to drive it? 

'Just bought this.'

'How's it drive?'

'Good, man. Just kick my feet up and do NOTHING. I'm on my phone. Where I REALLY want to be. All the time I save not steering this car that I bought? Buddy. I am REALLY getting a lot of texts out.'

People are always talking about wanting more time. Trying to get away from doing life things to have more time. What in the hell do people want to do with all the time that they 'save'? Party? Vacation? The reason you like doing things like these is because there are things that you don't want to do that you have to do to be able to do the things you want to do. The beach isn't the best if you can just go there whenever you want. If you don't have to do anything tedious, the things you really like will become tedious. A lot of time is spent doing things tedious. Grocery shopping, buying clothes, walking to a place. That's life.  Why are we trying to do absolutely nothing? 

'This is so sweet! I have robots that do everything for me. Make food, pick up my kids, have sex with my wife. Now I can do the things I really want to do! Sort these coins. I love sorting coins. Alllllright. Let's do..... Ugh. Sorting coins sucks. Back to my phone.'

That'll be what happens.  We'll use these damn robots to do things for us so that we can play Candy Crush. Guaranteed. But then, people will not want to use their phones. We'll have robots that do that. We'll have robots that check our phones for us, so that we can just sit down and do NOTHING. Just sit down, stare at a wall, and do NOTHING. 

'What's happening on my phone, robot?'

'TEXTS. FACEBOOK LIKES. LIKE TO RESPOND?'

'Ahhhh. I'm chilling.' *goes back to staring at hands.*

These scientist should be stopped. Currently, they are doing two awful things. Creating robots that are not needed and for sure will kill us, and ignoring children they have that will maybe kill them or one of us. 

' i have to make a human like robot.'

'You know that you created an ACTUAL human, right?'

'Yeah, but it runs on blood. Not good enough.'

Go hug the people you created, scientists. Leave the other one you are trying to create alone.

@nathanmacintosh

Fat head.

I had a fat head. For awhile. The one up there. Did I notice that I had a fat head? Not really. People every once in awhile would make some comment about me. Somebody would mention something. I didn't really notice it. But then, last year on my birthday, in an act of kindness, Liz bought me a slice of cake for my birthday. In the cake, she put a picture of my face on a stick as a joke. The picture up there. I truly hated this picture. It was a picture of me, at some damn point in time over the last few years, with a god damn salt filled head. Just a giant head. In a cake! This was horrifying to me. 

'Happy birthday!'

'Ah my GOD. THAT'S what I look like? And THAT'S what I'll continue to look like if I eat this cake?'

'Ha...ppy Birt....hda...y to....'

'No! I look like a slug in pants!' *Throws cake against wall*

'Why do you always ruin things?! Why?!"

"It's my birthday! I'll ruin it if I want to! Don't make me yell, it makes my stupid fat head jiggle!"

That picture is and has been beside me at this desk for one year. I look at it every once in awhile and think, 'Jesus. No chocolate today.'

Chocolate actually was never the issue. You know what I was addicted to? The piece of food that I probably had two pounds of a week for about four straight years? Wings. Ol' dirty wings. I LOVED wings. The sauce, the chicken, the damn blue cheese. Loved it all. I would eat these for dinner. Dinner! On just about every menu they are an appetizer. People decided years ago that these were BEFORE a meal. Maybe to split with a couple of people. But for me? No way.

'Excuse me. Would I be able to just get some bread. Like two orders of bread.'

'Of course. And for dinner?'

'Wow. Did you not hear me you? Maybe you'll hear this, garCON. BREAD. THAT is the dinner. The dinner... is.... BREAD. LOTTA balls on the french.' 

Wings were my deal. When I was about ten, my mom would take me and my brother to this bar. This bar was in a mall, and directly outside the bar was an arcade. When arcades were a thing, sick, and every game was fifty cents max. My brother and I would play games in here forever. It was great. In the bar though, we would eat chicken wings. Why? They were ten cents. Ten cents a wing! At a time when wings were a thing, but people looked way down on them. 

'We're gonna toss these in the trash. Cool?'

'I'll give you ten cents for one of them.'

'You think other people would?'

'I don't know. Can I have the one that I'm willing to pay for?'

Would eat like twenty wings here. This went on here for years. Then in high school, I used to go to this bar that had karaoke, and a wing night. Wings by this time had gone up a bit in price. This wing night was thirty cents a wing. I remembered being angry about that. 

'Thirty cents? Back in my day, you could get THREE wings for that?!'

'Nathan, you're 18.'

'Yeah, and BACK IN THE DAY, when I wasn't PAYING for them, they were cheaper.'

There was also a time years ago when I was addicted to Lime Coke and Dill Pickle chips. Loved these. One Friday after work, I bought three big bags of Dill Pickle chips and a two litre bottle of the Lime. Went home, and played Midnight Club Three: Dub Edition. Crushed two bags of those chips that night, and like half the bottle. Just stupid. The last couple years, I didn't notice too much. My last day job five years ago, I bought a can of pringles on pretty much every lunch break, and eat the whole thing! 

'Huh. Once you pop you can't stop, right Nathan?'

'What?'

'You're eating a can of pringles.'

'And? So what?'

'The chips are gone. You're just eating the can.'

'... Jesus, CHRIST. Gotta get my stuff together.'

Seeing this picture of myself in a cake is what made me get serious. That gross head, to me, made me say no cake is worth this. My birthday is next month, and I'm going near cake. Unless it's carrot. And all the cake stuff has been taken out and it's just a carrot on a plate. 

'Happy birthday, Nathan! Here is a piece of ca.....'

'Carrot? You're about to say carrot, right!? I swear to GOD if I see cake I'm flipping this place!'

'Why do you always have to ruin things?'

'It's my birthday! I'll ruin this damn thing if I wa... Oh, it's not cake. It is a carrot.'

'Ha...ppy Birth....day.... to.... oh god.'

'Don't cry. It'll make me want to eat cake and get a fat head again.'

*Note* I'm not an animal. The above will not happen. And I'll probably have cake on my birthday. But, that fat head? I CANnot again. This is my own thing. You do whatever you want. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh