I was expelled.

I was at one point, expelled from high school. I was told to leave the building for the rest of the year. Told to get out of every class, and the entire school. I was expelled in May. Less than 5 weeks before the end of the year. Expelled. What did I do? Did I threaten somebody? Did I come to school with a bag of kitana blades and hold up the cafeteria?

"Alright, that's it! Give me all the oatmeal chocolate chip muffins or I'm ninja-ing this whole place!"

Nope. I was expelled because I talk a lot. Well, on their side, I was expelled for disrupting class. Disrupting class at that time, with that vice principal, got me expelled. EXPELLED! Grade 12. And wasn't able to fight it. I had to go back the next year and do it again. I needed a bunch of credits. I don't seem like the type of person who would be expelled. Just to put it in perspective, another person who was expelled that year had maced a guy in the bathroom and stole his chain. THAT guy was expelled. AND me. For disrupting class. Not really the same thing. There was a guy that year who punched the vice principal in the face, did not get expelled. I brought that up to the vice principal when she was expelling me. She was PISSED about that.

'I'm being expelled? The guy who punched you must have been deported.'

She stood up, yelled, and slammed her desk. Is that a smart ass thing to say? Sure. Is it crazy that attacking people and talking are in the same wheel house? To me, yes. Here is more of the story. 

That year, I talked. This is what I did. I had a great time, left my shell that I was in before, and I talked to everyone. People liked me. Teachers liked me. Not all teachers, but most. Some, like my Canadian History teacher, were not fans of me. He really wasn't into me. I used to ask questions all the time. He would hand us a Canadian History textbook, tell us to read chapter four, then get into groups and answer the questions. So, if we're reading and answering questions among ourselves, what is this man doing? That didn't make sense to me.

'If we do that, what are you doing?'

'Just do it.'

The term 'Just Do It' might be cool for Nike, but in school I could not deal with it. I would ask tons of questions about it. Tons. Just do it is not an answer. So I would question this man, and he would kick me out. Kick me out of class. I'd go to the office, they'd say, 'what in the hell are you doing here again?'. and I would tell them what happened. They were not fans. But to me, I just couldn't understand why you weren't allowed to ask questions. Why not? Is this not a school? CAN QUESTIONS NOT BE ASKED?! Written in a Gladiator tone. And yes, I get it, asking a teacher, 'what are you doing?' could be deemed offensive, but this teacher would do this EVERY day. Get us to read a chapter, then get into groups and answer questions. You did this a bunch of weeks in a row, and you go, 'this guys doing nothing! He's not teaching us, we're teaching ourselves. What are we coming to this class for?'

My math teacher wasn't fond of me either. Why? Because I'm asking questions. That's just what I'm doing. One day she said we were doing quadratic functions. I asked when we would need these later in life. Her response?

'Just do them.'

Well, I couldn't do that. Couple more questions later, and I'm in the office. Couple more day of questions and now I'm doing math in the office for good. For good! Kicked out of the class and told to do my work in the office. Just insane. Put by myself like Hannibal Lector. 

'Woa. That kid is in a room alone having math work passed under his door to do. What'd he do? Bite someone's face?'

'No. He asked why we have to do quadratic functions.'

'AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh! Man that's horrifying. Glad this animal is locked up.'

So, at this point, I'm kicked out of math, and on last legs in Canadian history. Now, an interesting thing happens. One day in Canadian history, our teacher plays a movie. A movie, about Canadian History. That's as boring as it sounds for people from Canada. It's also made in Canada. If it was made by Michael Bay, it might have some kind of budget.

'Get into that birch bark canoe!'

BOOM!

'How the hell does birch bark explode!?'

BOOM!

'Now the maple syrup?!"

Anyway, the movie is on, and I put my head down on my desk. And has sometimes happens when you do that, I fell asleep. Slept through the whole thing. I woke up, and on my way out of class, the teacher calls me over to his desk. I'm thinking he's going to get mad at me for sleeping. Nope.

'Nathan, look at this piece of paper. This is how many times I counted you talking. 2:45, Nathan talking. 2:47, Nathan talking. 2:52, Nathan talking.' 

'Um, I'm not trying to be rude, but I wasn't talking, because I was sleeping.'

'Do you think I'm stupid? I know you were talking. Go to the office.'

So, I'm back in the office. I have to tell the vice principal that I was sent there for talking, which I wasn't doing because I was sleeping. And that was that. She expelled me. I asked her if I could speak to the principal. She said no. She was yelling at me in her office. Very loud. Then, opened the door, and became very calm. As she was walking me to the door, I said, 'I'm calling the principal, I'm calling the school board, and basically fuck you.' I was frustrated. In my head at the time, left no options. I went home, and called the school board. I told them my story, and they told me that she couldn't expell me for being kicked out of class, and that they would call her and call me back. About five minutes later, they called.

'Hi, Nathan. Did you swear at her?'

'Yes. I said fuck you, and that was be...'

'Well, it doesn't take much does it.'

'What do you mean?'

'There's nothing I can do for you.'

They hung up. I sat there very confused, until a few days later when a cop showed up to my door, asking me if Nathan Macintosh was home. 

'That's me.'

He looked at me like I was crazy.

'Well, I don't know what you did, but the vice principal is scared for her life. Said you threatened her. You have a peace bond on you. You can't go within two hundred feet of the school.'

'Are you kidding me?! I didn't threaten her! I said ...."

'Doesn't matter. That's what has happened.'

So, there I am. expelled from school, kicked out of a play that was nine days from that moment. I was sent the expulsion papers, and they said that I had threatened her, and that's why I wouldn't be allowed back. It also said that I was disruptive as I didn't have a father. This letter is one of my favourite possessions. 

This is a longer story short, but basically because I swore at her, she spun that into an actual reason to be expelled. I went back the next year, and graduated with honours. The vice principal had been promoted to principal of another school. I saw her a couple of years ago on a flight. She looked at me, had an acknowledging glint in her eye. Out of the deal, I got expulsion papers that I'll probably frame, and she got principal. We did it. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh.com

2 Chainz and Nancy Grace tag team.

Nancy Grace and 2Chainz talked about legalizing weed. And the winner was? A hit count on YouTube. Neither of these people are in any kind of control over whether or not weed gets legalized. Nancy Grace and 2Chainz talking legalizing weed is like a couple of aunts talking about what the States should do with their soldiers.

'I'll tell you what they should do. Pull the goddamn troops out! And fix everything they destroyed over there!'

"Guys. Your both covered in powdered donuts. They're not coming to you.'

They have no control over the outcome. Either way, Grace and Chainz talked it out. 

People say that 2Chainz held his own in this interview. Of course he did. He's a smart guy. That's not some kind of incredible thing that he can sit down like a human being and talk about a topic. He is smart. Went to college, got good grades. So smart in fact, that he has made a career off of pretending to be stupid. His whole thing to pretend to be this barely can rap, talk about stupidness dude. So people hear and see that, and think, 'that guy is an idiot!' He's not. He knows exactly what is happening. 

And held his own against who? Nancy Grace? People look to Nancy Grace as some sort of intellectual hero? 

'Hey, do you know how far away the stars are from earth?'

"I haven't got a goddamn clue. But I know who does. The one woman on this planet who is smarter and better than just about everyone out here. The one, the only, TV's own, strange mouthed, angry haired, Nancy Grace.'

In this video she's wearing Diddy's jacket from '98, and it's hard to hold his own in this interview? Against a woman talking dumb and looking like Mase?

Weed has to be one of the easiest things to buy drug wise. In America, you ned ID to get cough medicine in a drug store. Cough medicine.

"Hey. Just this 'sniff' Nyquil."

"Do you have ID?"

"For Nyquil? I'm coughing and sneezing. Is that enough ID?"

For weed, there's probably some of it in your couch right now. Other than not locking people up for having weed, legalize it for what? People get it pretty easily. There's no WAY that people who do drugs, if that is their sole offence, should be going to jail. Doesn't make any sense. For that part, sure, legalize it. But for getting it and smoking it, it's pretty legal. You can't smoke it at a NBA game, sure, but you also can't drink out of a glass bottle there either. 

It's such a stupid argument as is. Hard to believe that in 2015 people are still talking about whether this should be legalized. Jesus Christ. There's stronger drugs pumped into the food we eat. 

'Should weed be legalized? Think about the harm done to people!"

'I just took a bite of this burrito from 7/Eleven, and I tested positive for steroids. My nuts shrank. That's not worse?"

Alcohol must just be ECSTATIC when this argument comes around every two weeks. People yelling at each other about a stupid plant while alcohol is throwing people off of highways and starting COUNTless fights at terrible bars all over the world. 

'Man, I thought today was gonna be the day that people started talking about how in the hell I'm still legal when I'm causing more domestic disputes than home wreckers, but BAM! These idiots are back to weed! WEED! I'm sold in grocery stores, and JUST made some fall onto a train track, and they're yelling about weed! Whew. I live another day.'

It doesn't make any kind of sense as an argument at all. But, we still have it. And now, Nancy Grace and 2Chainz, get to the bottom of it, in a segment that should and could have easily been a sketch on SNL. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh