Wanna read this? Cheers.
For some reason, I'm not a fan of the expression 'cheers'. I
have never been. I'm not sure why. I can't pinpoint it. It's just
something that hits my ears in a strange way. I don't believe that I was
ever attacked by a person who wouldn't stop saying it, but maybe.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
"Give me your wallet, cheers!"
"What?! Are you joking?"
"Do I look like I'm joking? Cheers! Give me that wallet! Cheers!"
"I'm so confused! Here's my wallet. What's happening?!"
"Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!"
Pretty sure that never happened, but even still, I'm not a fan of the phrase.
There
was a point in time when it was said for a specific reason. It used to
be said in North America when people were having drinks. Cheers-ing a
drink is a sort of celebration. Makes sense.
"We are having drinks. I am happy about this and you should be as well. Let's connect glasses."
"Cheers!"
"I believe you meant to say 'clink', but sure! 'Cheers' works indeed!"
There
was a specific reason for it. But now people say it at the end of a ton
of sentences. Used to be just for clanking drinks, but now people say
it when a waitress brings them the Buffalo wing sauce they requested.
"Can I have some more napkins?"
"For sure."
"Cheers."
"Cheers? To what? Are we celebrating?"
"Oh, I don't mean 'cheers', I mean thank you."
"Then
why don't you just say thank you? I just signaled for a beer when you
said that. Now I'll just drink it alone and go get napkins. 'Cheers'."
It
has its place in parts of the world. England for one, and if you are
from there and say it, I get it. But if you live and were born in North
America? Doesn't make sense. Unless you are from a part of the world
that says it, there's no reason to adopt it. There's no other phrase
from parts of the world that people adopt. People don't visit Canada and
start saying 'eh'. People don't come back from Germany and keep 'danke
schoen' in their vocabulary.
"I'll take a bag. Danke schoen."
"Sie sind willkommen."
"What?"
"That's German for 'thank you'. I thought you said danke schoen because you knew I was German."
"No, I just visited there and kept saying it when I got back."
"...Don't do that."
It
feels as though people who haven't traveled say it. A lot of people use
it to seem more worldly. People drop it to APPEAR as though they have
traveled around and picked up some customs.
"Hey, man, you just used a phrase that is really only said in Japan. Have you been there?"
"No. I have a friend from there, though. And I've always wanted to go."
"...Okay. Do you get a free flight when you say the phrase or something?"
It's the same way when some people travel and come back with an accent. Gone for a month, and now speak like an Australian.
"Hey, mate, want to go to my flat? We don't have to take the stairs, we can take the lift."
"What?"
"This
is how people in Australia talk. Mate is friend, flat is apartment and
lift is elevator. Isn't that interesting?! Here, have a Tim Tam."
"Ah, that is great! You remember how we speak in North America, correct? It's called sarcasm. That is not great."
When
did this start? Who brought this over? How did it catch on to a degree
that now anytime you leave your house you will hear somebody say it
somewhere. Was there one man from the past who flew into North America
and decided that this needed to stick?
"Hark! I am a man from
Europe's past. I am a fan of all things medieval, and I was a fan of
Downton Abbey before it even came out. I have a word that I use at the
end of sentences that I believe you should use."
"What is it, sir? Goodbye? Later? We use those. Thanks, perhaps?"
"No,
you daft human. I'm speaking of a word that says all of those things,
while also saying nothing at all. The word is: cheers."
"...Cheers. Huh. I don't know how I feel."
"If you had said 'cheers' at the end of that sentence, it would have sounded more sophisticated!"
"...I don't know how I feel... cheers. Wow! You're right! I'm sold! Thanks, winged creature!"
I
can remember maybe six years ago when it being said was very out of
place. People would hear it and if you didn't fit the description of a
person who would be saying it, you were called out.
"Hey, what'd you just say? Speak like a human being who speaks over here speaks like."
"That sentence was terrible."
"Your face will feel terrible if you say cheers again. Oh, was that your plan? Get me to say cheers? That's it. You're dead."
It's
never really said casually by people who weren't brought up with it.
Say for instance, when people from England say it – it seems effortless.
There's no forcing it. When someone from North America says it, there
seems to be a little bit of pushing. It takes a bit of effort to get it
out.
"I appreciate you holding that door for me.... Cheers."
"Why did you pause when you said cheers?"
"What? I didn't. I say it normally just as the people who grew up with it do."
"No, you didn't. You seemed to take a minute for your brain to process what you were about to say."
"No, no! I swear! I've practiced saying at home. Cheers! See? Cheers!"
"Still sounds a bit odd. I will never hold a door for another human being again."
Cheers
means so many different things. Goodbye, thanks, see you. It's also a
sitcom from the 80s. I think we should be able to put in any of those
that we want. Let's drop 'cheers', and use other sitcoms.
"Hey, man. Thanks for coming over."
"No problem, dude. Coach."
"Coach?"
"Yeah.
It's like Cheers, but I never liked that show. I always thought Craig
T. Nelson was underrated and better in a starring role in a sitcom than
Ted Danson, so I say 'Coach' to promote him. So, Coach."
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
The world is overpopulated?
Over the last couple of years, I've been in conversations with
people about the earth's overpopulation. Apparently, there are too many
of us. Yep, that's right. Some of us just should not, or are not
supposed to be here. Were YOU the one to tip the scale? The kid you had?
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
"And
today's top story, the Hermans had a little baby boy today. Why is this
a top story? Well, because newborn Chris Herman has pushed the earth's
population into the unlivable. Oh, wait! This just in, an old woman was
beaten to death for her change purse on a Wisconsin interstate. We are
back to a livable number."
Why just people? There are a lot of
dogs. Maybe there are too many dogs. Do you have a dog? Maybe it's time
to throw that dog into the street and get the numbers down.
"You've
always been good to me, Sparkles, but there's just too many of you.
I'll try to make sure you land on a car when I throw you off the
balcony."
"Arrrfffff!"
Are there really too many people on the planet? I think it's an excuse.
People
use the overpopulation argument as an excuse to not have kids. I've
heard people say they're not having kids because there are too many
people on earth. Wow. You're taking that upon yourself, Captain Planet?
Were you planning on having as many kids as there are residents of
Cleveland? No? Then not having one kid probably isn't going to help very
much.
"So that future generations don't have to stand on each other, I'm not going to have kids."
"That's great! We could use four hundred thousand less people on the planet."
"Four hundred thousand? What am I, a roach? I was talking about not having one."
"One?
You think not having one kid is going to help anything? Listen, man,
have the kid. Have three. Hey, Hal! You hear this guy? One kid. One!
Hurt the earth more to throw a plastic six-pack holder on the ground.
One! Oh, man. That's rich."
"I don't want to have kids because the earth doesn't need anymore."
Get
over yourself. Are you serious? You're doing that for the earth? Just
say you don't want kids! You're allowed to think that! Overpopulation
seems to be the new 'not ready' for kids.
"Honey, I want to have a baby. We've been together for awhile and I think we're old and mature enough."
"I
thought this would come up. Aggghhhh, look. I was in the mall today and
there were people everywhere! I'm talking wall-to-wall,
'I-wasn't-alone-in-any-store' people! I just don't think this world
needs another face eating at Baskin Robbins."
"So you're saying you can't have a kid because there is no space in the mall?"
"I
couldn't even get to the khakis! You know how much I like khakis. I had
to just stare at them through people's arms. I just think until it
cools down a little bit out there, we should chill."
People
say that they don't want to have kids because there's not enough space
on the planet. Is it just people taking up all this space? Why not stop
Starbucks? There are a lot of those around. They're taking up a lot of
space, and you can't even have conversations with them.
"I
don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good job, my girl's cool. I
just can't get happy. Do you know what I mean, 'building on the corner
of Main and Church'?"
"..........."
"Yeah. I don't have any answers either. Hey, have you seen Breaking Bad?"
"..........."
"You are a tough nut to crack, building."
People really don't think there's enough space on the planet?
"Where
is everyone gonna go? There are people everywhere. Everywhere! I can't
walk down aisle two when I want! I can't even open my car doors. I have
to live in my car!"
Where's everyone gonna go? I don't know.
Most of Canada? Middle America? There's open space everywhere! I'm sure
there is some space in Iceland we could move some people to. Greenland.
Newfoundland. Any of the places that end in 'land'. Any place where
hunting is a recreational activity, there is space.
"You know,
I just went hunting and I didn't see one person. Just a bunch of trees.
Offer a tree a beer, see what happens. Rude ass tree just looks at
you."
You can actually say there's no space?
Have you gone everywhere? You've been all over the world and done
censuses? Or did you just go to a crowded area, someone bumped into you
and you decided that some people deserve to die?
"Man, I can't
believe it. That guy bumped into me and spilled my Jamba Juice all over
my shirt. There are too many people on this planet. That guy should be
set on fire!"
Just because you saw a lot of people in a
McDonalds doesn't mean there isn't space on the planet for everyone. You
live in a place where there are tons of people. That doesn't mean
there's no space at all.
Overpopulation has
apparently also given rise to adoption. People say that they don't want
to have kids because there are kids who need to be adopted.
"There
are tons of kids out there. Do I REALLY need to have my own? Some
mother had one, tossed it in a dumpster. One mother's trash is another
mother's high school graduate. I'll just dust this one off and raise
it."
"Really? It has a beef jerky wrapper stuck to it."
"I said I'll dust it off."
Sure,
there are kids out there who need to be raised. That's good of you to
do it. But if you're gonna do it, just do it! There's no need for the
reason, definitely if the reason is overpopulation.
If
overpopulation is even a legitimate argument, then we should find a way
to make kids that isn't so fun. Right now? The activity is amazing. Sex
is great. Maybe just change the name from sex. That might get people to
calm down on wanting to do it.
"Yo, you see that girl over there, man?"
"Yeah. She's hot."
"I wanna 'maybe make a baby' with her tonight'."
"...Are you sure?"
"...Yeah, you're right. Let's just go get some sex."
"Waffles?"
"Waffles."
The
overpopulation argument suggests that we should start thinning people
out. That we have to control this. Really? We're just gonna decide who
stays and who goes? Who's able to have kids and who isn't? Where do we
start, bud? What's the application like to be on of the 'people who are
not blown away just for being born' list?
"Here is your application."
"Hmmm.
Question one. Have you ever liked a tweet, but didn't retweet it just
because you were angry about how good it was? Well, sure. Once or
twice."
"You have failed. We do not want your kind here. Please throw yourself off of that cliff."
Here's
a quick way to see if you would be on the list if we started thinning
people out. If you've talked about overpopulation at a bar, you are NOT
on the list. You are not on the ship. Neither am I. If thinning people out is because of overpopulation is an actual
conversation being had, it's taking place between billionaires behind
move away bookshelves. Not over Pabst Blue Ribbon on patio furniture.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
We don't deserve comment sections.
Comment sections need to be taken away from us. Time and time again
we have shown as a society that we cannot handle them. For years now, people have
been screaming at each other in comment sections. I bet the last time
there was a nice comment was during the great depression.
"I
say, I love your article on monocles and how only one eye needs to see
exquisitely while also looking exquisite. Just wanted to give you a 'hear, hear',
old chap. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"
But
later on? Comment sections just became a place for people who can't
speak, spell, or who have no human decency to be showcased.
"There be a raisin that your artical be all stupid and shit I dont tink iVe ever been angry like this eva"
Look,
it's 2012. We should be able to intelligently use all of the equipment
we have. If we want to advance this world – stop focusing on making new phones and
let's focus on getting rid of comment sections.
Ninety percent of comments are negative. Commenting on things negatively makes sense sometimes. When an article has its facts wrong or when a video is misinformed.
"Excuse
me, you said in your article that the fourth of July is this Saturday
the fifth. You see the problem here, right? Do you understand why this
is angering me? You made me comment here. You did! It's called the
FOURTH OF JULY! Are you insane?"
Rarely does
anyone just say that something is wrong with what they have read or that
they don't like it. The way people usually do it is to try to destroy
someone.
"Hey, stranger from Russia, trying to juggle oranges
for the world’s entertainment – you didn't entertain me. How does that
feel? Huh! I watched the whole thing and hated it! The whole time I
wanted to puke. Why don't you try again, loser!?"
That would actually be much nicer than the comments that people send. People want people to die in comments! Just die. There are RARELY any comments that are constructive.
"Hey,
orange-juggling-guy. I see that you are okay, but could use help. I
know a juggling teacher in your area. You should give him a call."
Nope. Most of the comments people choose to write?
"Why
don't you just die?! Yeah, die! Why don't you get AIDS and die? Trying
to entertain me with juggling? I didn't ask you to and I don't want it.
Do the world a favor and take your orange-dropping ass to hell!"
You
want people who are trying to entertain you to die if you don't find it
entertaining? That is how kings acted! Kings would sit on a throne,
bored, eating a wild boar thigh, and court jesters would dance in front
of them, while the king would decide if they live or die!
"Ugh,
pan flute again? Look, cut his head off. No, no. Cut his head off while
he's being pulled apart by horses. Wait, wait, wait. Feed his left leg
to the dragon, boil his right side, and beat his head in with his pan
flute. In the town square. Yes... yes, that pleases the king. And cut
his damn head off!"
Kings did that. And now with comment
sections, everyone acts like a king! We can all sit at home in our
computer chairs, bored, eating a Pop-Tart, deciding the fate of people.
"Ugh,
sketch video again? Look, cut your heads off! No, get hit by cars.
Wait, wait, wait. I hope a Komodo dragon comes into your house, spitting
hot acid, and burns you as he bites you to death while you are holding
your 'funny' ideas. Yeah, that pleases xboxowner2657!"
Most
of the time, it's either death or nothing. People seem to only want to
tell people when they have done something they hate. You can picture
people at home when they don't completely hate something.
"We
got a smart guy here, huh? Just BARELY entertained me, but dammit, you
did. You are lucky, bud! If I hated it, you would be dead! Virtually
dead in a terrible way!"
Comment sections also,
a lot of the time, contain people who aren't even commenting on what
they have seen or read. They are arguing with other people who have
commented. They are arguing with other people who are commenting!
Commenters arguing with commenters who are commenting! When that
happens, they are never arguing about what they have seen or read.
"What
are you – dumb? I have never wanted to see someone's entire family be
beaten to death in the street before, but you, sir. You... wow."
"Oh,
yeah? You hate me, huh? Why don't you keep sleeping with your two-ton
wife in that trailer home of yours, you middle school janitor! Tell your
kids 'Cletus' and 'SarahAnneJessicaJessieBeth' that the fries are
done!"
"Actually, bud, I live in Pittsburgh. Get your story
straight. I'm going back to watching this Prince video and I hope that
communist pinko dirtbag bastards like you leave me alone!"
"You actually like Prince? You're what's wrong with the planet."
"If you don't like him, why are you here?"
"I'm here to get hate off of my chest! That's why I'm here! You got a problem with that, un-American?!"
Also,
why do people have to act as if they are Christopher Columbus in
comment sections? People love to discover untouched comment sections
like it's land and place their "first!" there.
"Whoa! Look at
this. No one’s been here before. I'm the first! First! I'm the first one
to comment! I'm like the pilgrims. There should be a Comments-givings
Day for what I've accomplished! I'll tell the world through comments!"
Why do people do this? Did they even see the thing they're commenting on? Does it matter to them? Do they just search the internet for empty comment sections?
"Nope, that one is filled up... not this one either... BAM! I'm the first! Oh, man. What a rush. Now I can sleep."
Another
reason they should be taken away from us? People cannot control their emotions on them. Tears are shed, voices are raised, and emotions run high.
People take these so seriously and get so upset when someone disagrees
with them.
"Ya know, when my mother died I wasn't as upset as
this loser telling me that Justin Bieber isn't the lord of the world.
I... I don't even know what to say... YES HE IS! Oh, God!"
Disagreements
over meaningless things turn into screaming matches. If you disagreed
with someone in real life over nothing, it wouldn't always be a
screaming match.
"I think I'm gonna grab some Coke."
"I'm a Pepsi guy myself."
"PEPSI! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIKE PEPSI!? ARE YOU STUPID? IS THAT IT? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF TRASH?!"
"...Why are you yelling at me right now? There are kids around us, man. Calm down."
"YOU
DISAGREED WITH ME! THIS IS HOW YOU REACT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! YOU SPEAK
AT AN UNREASONABLY LOUD VOLUME WHILE CALLING THE OTHER PERSON A PIECE OF
GARBAGE!"
Wouldn't happen in real life! Comment sections, though? Every second comment is someone punching his or her keyboard.
"I
WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM SO I DECIDED TO BREAK THE CAPS LOCK OFF
OF MY COMPUTER AND TYPE AWAY! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO ANGRY!
PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T TYPE ANY SMALL LETTERS! WHY DID I BREAK THE
CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? I MAY NOT BE MAD ONE DAY! WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST
LIVE THIS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF TIME. SUCK IT, WORLD!"
People
get mad for no reason, and then, even worse, people get mad because
their insane racism cannot be contained. There are always some racists
throwing their thoughts on multiculturalism on videos. Videos about
race? Nope. Could just be a video with two kittens, playing in a box. Is
the comment section under that video safe? Two kittens that have no
affiliation to any race at all as they are not humans? Absolutely not.
"These
kittens are cute and everything, but even their soft furry heads and
tiny, cute little paw pads can't curb my anger. Black people need to go!
Get back to Africa! I bet these kittens voted for Obama! Get them out
of this country, too!"
What is the point of this? Why is it such a constant? Do higher ups at racist groups demand this?
"Jesus, Chris, I told you to type 'Koreans don't deserve to live' on that video of Dora The Explorer!"
"I'm sorry, Cyclops Jerry. I just don't see what that will do."
"Look,
just Cyclops, okay? And – my God, don't you see? What if a Korean is
reading that comment section right now? Huh?! Now they won't know that
they don't deserve to live! Do you understand now?"
"...Well... Jerry, I just think th–"
"Cyclops!
And that's it! Question Cyclops Jerry? Time to pay. Go burn fifty
crosses and say one hundred 'Jews control the media'."
"...Okay,
fine... but can I say quickly? I like being a member here and
everything, the cookouts are delicious and the uniform is quite comfortable, but I don't understand the "burning the cross" thing. I mean,
we like Jesus, right? Why burn the cross? Doesn't that only hurt us?'
"...You are on thin white ice right now, buddy. GO DO IT!"
Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.
Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.
"Hmm, weird. A comment not attached to anything. That's weird."
"If you think it's weird, why don't you kill yourself!"
"What? Don't you find it a little weird there's nothing here to watch or read?"
"I think you're a little weird, bud. Kill yourself!"
"Hey, both of you guys are bitches. Stop crying!"
"How did we all get here? There's nothing here!"
""How did we all get here?" What a loser bitch."
Is
there something that says you have to have dropped out of grade five to
comment on something? Did any of the people who write in comment
sections go to school? At all? Even for one day of their life? Were they
raised on a rock in a ravine? Only because I assume that if you were
raised on a rock in a ravine, there wouldn't be a lot of schooling on
punctuation.
"All right, I'm going to teach you how to snare an animal. It's gonna come in handy out here on this rock that we live on."
"Gotcha. I have to eat."
"Yes,
you do. Just as important? Forming a sentence in writing with good
punctuation. It won't help you out here beside this algae, but if you
ever have to tell someone what you think of their work online, it'll
come in handy."
"When will I ever need that skill, though? We live in the woods on this rock. I have never even seen another person!"
"I'm
not raising you on this rock in a ravine to act like a kid who was
raised on a rock in a ravine. You'll learn proper punctuation!"
"Why are we out here anyway, dad? We have a house."
"I told you, your mother and I had a disagreement about Pepsi. Now snare that squirrel!"
When
you are commenting on the internet, why doesn’t punctuation apply? Can
you not spare any? Are you saving your periods and commas for that law
dissertation you have coming up?
"Man, I'd love to use a
question mark here, but I have that big paper due this weekend and I
only have ten left. Well, I guess they'll just have to figure out for
themselves where I wanted sentences to stop and end. I honestly didn't
know I'd have that much to say about Katy Perry."
The
punctuation is horrible and so is the spelling! Comment sections are
promoting the worst spelling on the planet. People aren't even trying to
spell words correctly. Not at all.
"I told u that i d0nt th3nk that u should b famass you are dum not talantd and 2@^n hytiniw 8&&(nhyg), ya know"
There
should be a reading level requirement before you're allowed to leave a
comment. At the very least, you should have to have heard of Robert
Louis Stevenson before you're allowed to say anything about anything.
"What
is this? I go to write a comment and they ask me, 'Who wrote Treasure
Island?' I don't know that shit. I want to hate now!"
Take
these sections away from us! We clearly do not deserve them or know how
to use them whatsoever. Let's stop with the war on childhood obesity
for a minute, and focus on the war on people de-evolving to their lowest
form and screaming at others through broken English and terrible
spelling.
And after everything I've said, leave a comment below.