Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "humans"

Wanna read this? Cheers.

For some reason, I'm not a fan of the expression 'cheers'. I have never been. I'm not sure why. I can't pinpoint it. It's just something that hits my ears in a strange way. I don't believe that I was ever attacked by a person who wouldn't stop saying it, but maybe.
"Give me your wallet, cheers!"
"What?! Are you joking?"
"Do I look like I'm joking? Cheers! Give me that wallet! Cheers!"
"I'm so confused! Here's my wallet. What's happening?!"
"Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!"
Pretty sure that never happened, but even still, I'm not a fan of the phrase.

There was a point in time when it was said for a specific reason. It used to be said in North America when people were having drinks. Cheers-ing a drink is a sort of celebration. Makes sense.
"We are having drinks. I am happy about this and you should be as well. Let's connect glasses."
"Cheers!"
"I believe you meant to say 'clink', but sure! 'Cheers' works indeed!"
There was a specific reason for it. But now people say it at the end of a ton of sentences. Used to be just for clanking drinks, but now people say it when a waitress brings them the Buffalo wing sauce they requested.
"Can I have some more napkins?"
"For sure."
"Cheers."
"Cheers? To what? Are we celebrating?"
"Oh, I don't mean 'cheers', I mean thank you."
"Then why don't you just say thank you? I just signaled for a beer when you said that. Now I'll just drink it alone and go get napkins. 'Cheers'."

It has its place in parts of the world. England for one, and if you are from there and say it, I get it. But if you live and were born in North America? Doesn't make sense. Unless you are from a part of the world that says it, there's no reason to adopt it. There's no other phrase from parts of the world that people adopt. People don't visit Canada and start saying 'eh'. People don't come back from Germany and keep 'danke schoen' in their vocabulary.
"I'll take a bag. Danke schoen."
"Sie sind willkommen."
"What?"
"That's German for 'thank you'. I thought you said danke schoen because you knew I was German."
"No, I just visited there and kept saying it when I got back."
"...Don't do that."

It feels as though people who haven't traveled say it. A lot of people use it to seem more worldly. People drop it to APPEAR as though they have traveled around and picked up some customs.
"Hey, man, you just used a phrase that is really only said in Japan. Have you been there?"
"No. I have a friend from there, though. And I've always wanted to go."
"...Okay. Do you get a free flight when you say the phrase or something?"
It's the same way when some people travel and come back with an accent. Gone for a month, and now speak like an Australian.
"Hey, mate, want to go to my flat? We don't have to take the stairs, we can take the lift."
"What?"
"This is how people in Australia talk. Mate is friend, flat is apartment and lift is elevator. Isn't that interesting?! Here, have a Tim Tam."
"Ah, that is great! You remember how we speak in North America, correct? It's called sarcasm. That is not great."

When did this start? Who brought this over? How did it catch on to a degree that now anytime you leave your house you will hear somebody say it somewhere. Was there one man from the past who flew into North America and decided that this needed to stick?
"Hark! I am a man from Europe's past. I am a fan of all things medieval, and I was a fan of Downton Abbey before it even came out. I have a word that I use at the end of sentences that I believe you should use."
"What is it, sir? Goodbye? Later? We use those. Thanks, perhaps?"
"No, you daft human. I'm speaking of a word that says all of those things, while also saying nothing at all. The word is: cheers."
"...Cheers. Huh. I don't know how I feel."
"If you had said 'cheers' at the end of that sentence, it would have sounded more sophisticated!"
"...I don't know how I feel... cheers. Wow! You're right! I'm sold! Thanks, winged creature!"
I can remember maybe six years ago when it being said was very out of place. People would hear it and if you didn't fit the description of a person who would be saying it, you were called out.
"Hey, what'd you just say? Speak like a human being who speaks over here speaks like."
"That sentence was terrible."
"Your face will feel terrible if you say cheers again. Oh, was that your plan? Get me to say cheers? That's it. You're dead."

It's never really said casually by people who weren't brought up with it. Say for instance, when people from England say it – it seems effortless. There's no forcing it. When someone from North America says it, there seems to be a little bit of pushing. It takes a bit of effort to get it out.
"I appreciate you holding that door for me.... Cheers."
"Why did you pause when you said cheers?"
"What? I didn't. I say it normally just as the people who grew up with it do."
"No, you didn't. You seemed to take a minute for your brain to process what you were about to say."
"No, no! I swear! I've practiced saying at home. Cheers! See? Cheers!"
"Still sounds a bit odd. I will never hold a door for another human being again."

Cheers means so many different things. Goodbye, thanks, see you. It's also a sitcom from the 80s. I think we should be able to put in any of those that we want. Let's drop 'cheers', and use other sitcoms.
"Hey, man. Thanks for coming over."
"No problem, dude. Coach."
"Coach?"
"Yeah. It's like Cheers, but I never liked that show. I always thought Craig T. Nelson was underrated and better in a starring role in a sitcom than Ted Danson, so I say 'Coach' to promote him. So, Coach."


Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The world is overpopulated?

Over the last couple of years, I've been in conversations with people about the earth's overpopulation. Apparently, there are too many of us. Yep, that's right. Some of us just should not, or are not supposed to be here. Were YOU the one to tip the scale? The kid you had?
"And today's top story, the Hermans had a little baby boy today. Why is this a top story? Well, because newborn Chris Herman has pushed the earth's population into the unlivable. Oh, wait! This just in, an old woman was beaten to death for her change purse on a Wisconsin interstate. We are back to a livable number."
Why just people? There are a lot of dogs. Maybe there are too many dogs. Do you have a dog? Maybe it's time to throw that dog into the street and get the numbers down.
"You've always been good to me, Sparkles, but there's just too many of you. I'll try to make sure you land on a car when I throw you off the balcony."
"Arrrfffff!"
Are there really too many people on the planet? I think it's an excuse.

People use the overpopulation argument as an excuse to not have kids. I've heard people say they're not having kids because there are too many people on earth. Wow. You're taking that upon yourself, Captain Planet? Were you planning on having as many kids as there are residents of Cleveland? No? Then not having one kid probably isn't going to help very much.
"So that future generations don't have to stand on each other, I'm not going to have kids."
"That's great! We could use four hundred thousand less people on the planet."
"Four hundred thousand? What am I, a roach? I was talking about not having one."
"One? You think not having one kid is going to help anything? Listen, man, have the kid. Have three. Hey, Hal! You hear this guy? One kid. One! Hurt the earth more to throw a plastic six-pack holder on the ground. One! Oh, man. That's rich."

"I don't want to have kids because the earth doesn't need anymore." 
Get over yourself. Are you serious? You're doing that for the earth? Just say you don't want kids! You're allowed to think that! Overpopulation seems to be the new 'not ready' for kids.
"Honey, I want to have a baby. We've been together for awhile and I think we're old and mature enough."
"I thought this would come up. Aggghhhh, look. I was in the mall today and there were people everywhere! I'm talking wall-to-wall, 'I-wasn't-alone-in-any-store' people! I just don't think this world needs another face eating at Baskin Robbins."
"So you're saying you can't have a kid because there is no space in the mall?"
"I couldn't even get to the khakis! You know how much I like khakis. I had to just stare at them through people's arms. I just think until it cools down a little bit out there, we should chill."

People say that they don't want to have kids because there's not enough space on the planet. Is it just people taking up all this space? Why not stop Starbucks? There are a lot of those around. They're taking up a lot of space, and you can't even have conversations with them.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good job, my girl's cool. I just can't get happy. Do you know what I mean, 'building on the corner of Main and Church'?"
"..........."
"Yeah. I don't have any answers either. Hey, have you seen Breaking Bad?"
"..........."
"You are a tough nut to crack, building."
People really don't think there's enough space on the planet?
"Where is everyone gonna go? There are people everywhere. Everywhere! I can't walk down aisle two when I want! I can't even open my car doors. I have to live in my car!"
Where's everyone gonna go? I don't know. Most of Canada? Middle America? There's open space everywhere! I'm sure there is some space in Iceland we could move some people to. Greenland. Newfoundland. Any of the places that end in 'land'. Any place where hunting is a recreational activity, there is space.
"You know, I just went hunting and I didn't see one person. Just a bunch of trees. Offer a tree a beer, see what happens. Rude ass tree just looks at you."

You can actually say there's no space? Have you gone everywhere? You've been all over the world and done censuses? Or did you just go to a crowded area, someone bumped into you and you decided that some people deserve to die?
"Man, I can't believe it. That guy bumped into me and spilled my Jamba Juice all over my shirt. There are too many people on this planet. That guy should be set on fire!"
Just because you saw a lot of people in a McDonalds doesn't mean there isn't space on the planet for everyone. You live in a place where there are tons of people. That doesn't mean there's no space at all.

Overpopulation has apparently also given rise to adoption. People say that they don't want to have kids because there are kids who need to be adopted.
"There are tons of kids out there. Do I REALLY need to have my own? Some mother had one, tossed it in a dumpster. One mother's trash is another mother's high school graduate. I'll just dust this one off and raise it."
"Really? It has a beef jerky wrapper stuck to it."
"I said I'll dust it off."
Sure, there are kids out there who need to be raised. That's good of you to do it. But if you're gonna do it, just do it! There's no need for the reason, definitely if the reason is overpopulation.

If overpopulation is even a legitimate argument, then we should find a way to make kids that isn't so fun. Right now? The activity is amazing. Sex is great. Maybe just change the name from sex. That might get people to calm down on wanting to do it.
"Yo, you see that girl over there, man?"
"Yeah. She's hot."
"I wanna 'maybe make a baby' with her tonight'."
"...Are you sure?"
"...Yeah, you're right. Let's just go get some sex."
"Waffles?"
"Waffles."

The overpopulation argument suggests that we should start thinning people out. That we have to control this. Really? We're just gonna decide who stays and who goes? Who's able to have kids and who isn't? Where do we start, bud? What's the application like to be on of the 'people who are not blown away just for being born' list?
"Here is your application."
"Hmmm. Question one. Have you ever liked a tweet, but didn't retweet it just because you were angry about how good it was? Well, sure. Once or twice."
"You have failed. We do not want your kind here. Please throw yourself off of that cliff."

Here's a quick way to see if you would be on the list if we started thinning people out. If you've talked about overpopulation at a bar, you are NOT on the list. You are not on the ship. Neither am I. If thinning people out is because of overpopulation is an actual conversation being had, it's taking place between billionaires behind move away bookshelves. Not over Pabst Blue Ribbon on patio furniture.


Twitter @nathanmacintosh

We don't deserve comment sections.

Comment sections need to be taken away from us. Time and time again we have shown as a society that we cannot handle them. For years now, people have been screaming at each other in comment sections. I bet the last time there was a nice comment was during the great depression.
"I say, I love your article on monocles and how only one eye needs to see exquisitely while also looking exquisite. Just wanted to give you a 'hear, hear', old chap. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"
But later on? Comment sections just became a place for people who can't speak, spell, or who have no human decency to be showcased.
"There be a raisin that your artical be all stupid and shit I dont tink iVe ever been angry like this eva"
Look, it's 2012. We should be able to intelligently use all of the equipment we have. If we want to advance this world – stop focusing on making new phones and let's focus on getting rid of comment sections.

Ninety percent of comments are negative. Commenting on things negatively makes sense sometimes. When an article has its facts wrong or when a video is misinformed.
"Excuse me, you said in your article that the fourth of July is this Saturday the fifth. You see the problem here, right? Do you understand why this is angering me? You made me comment here. You did! It's called the FOURTH OF JULY! Are you insane?"

Rarely does anyone just say that something is wrong with what they have read or that they don't like it. The way people usually do it is to try to destroy someone.
"Hey, stranger from Russia, trying to juggle oranges for the world’s entertainment – you didn't entertain me. How does that feel? Huh! I watched the whole thing and hated it! The whole time I wanted to puke. Why don't you try again, loser!?"
That would actually be much nicer than the comments that people send. People want people to die in comments! Just die. There are RARELY any comments that are constructive.
"Hey, orange-juggling-guy. I see that you are okay, but could use help. I know a juggling teacher in your area. You should give him a call."
Nope. Most of the comments people choose to write?
"Why don't you just die?! Yeah, die! Why don't you get AIDS and die? Trying to entertain me with juggling? I didn't ask you to and I don't want it. Do the world a favor and take your orange-dropping ass to hell!"

You want people who are trying to entertain you to die if you don't find it entertaining? That is how kings acted! Kings would sit on a throne, bored, eating a wild boar thigh, and court jesters would dance in front of them, while the king would decide if they live or die!
"Ugh, pan flute again? Look, cut his head off. No, no. Cut his head off while he's being pulled apart by horses. Wait, wait, wait. Feed his left leg to the dragon, boil his right side, and beat his head in with his pan flute. In the town square. Yes... yes, that pleases the king. And cut his damn head off!"
Kings did that. And now with comment sections, everyone acts like a king! We can all sit at home in our computer chairs, bored, eating a Pop-Tart, deciding the fate of people.
"Ugh, sketch video again? Look, cut your heads off! No, get hit by cars. Wait, wait, wait. I hope a Komodo dragon comes into your house, spitting hot acid, and burns you as he bites you to death while you are holding your 'funny' ideas. Yeah, that pleases xboxowner2657!"

Most of the time, it's either death or nothing. People seem to only want to tell people when they have done something they hate. You can picture people at home when they don't completely hate something.
"We got a smart guy here, huh? Just BARELY entertained me, but dammit, you did. You are lucky, bud! If I hated it, you would be dead! Virtually dead in a terrible way!"

Comment sections also, a lot of the time, contain people who aren't even commenting on what they have seen or read. They are arguing with other people who have commented. They are arguing with other people who are commenting! Commenters arguing with commenters who are commenting! When that happens, they are never arguing about what they have seen or read.
"What are you – dumb? I have never wanted to see someone's entire family be beaten to death in the street before, but you, sir. You... wow."
"Oh, yeah? You hate me, huh? Why don't you keep sleeping with your two-ton wife in that trailer home of yours, you middle school janitor! Tell your kids 'Cletus' and 'SarahAnneJessicaJessieBeth' that the fries are done!"
"Actually, bud, I live in Pittsburgh. Get your story straight. I'm going back to watching this Prince video and I hope that communist pinko dirtbag bastards like you leave me alone!"
"You actually like Prince? You're what's wrong with the planet."
"If you don't like him, why are you here?"
"I'm here to get hate off of my chest! That's why I'm here! You got a problem with that, un-American?!"

Also, why do people have to act as if they are Christopher Columbus in comment sections? People love to discover untouched comment sections like it's land and place their "first!" there.
"Whoa! Look at this. No one’s been here before. I'm the first! First! I'm the first one to comment! I'm like the pilgrims. There should be a Comments-givings Day for what I've accomplished! I'll tell the world through comments!"
Why do people do this? Did they even see the thing they're commenting on? Does it matter to them? Do they just search the internet for empty comment sections?
"Nope, that one is filled up... not this one either... BAM! I'm the first! Oh, man. What a rush. Now I can sleep."

Another reason they should be taken away from us? People cannot control their emotions on them. Tears are shed, voices are raised, and emotions run high. People take these so seriously and get so upset when someone disagrees with them.
"Ya know, when my mother died I wasn't as upset as this loser telling me that Justin Bieber isn't the lord of the world. I... I don't even know what to say... YES HE IS! Oh, God!"
Disagreements over meaningless things turn into screaming matches. If you disagreed with someone in real life over nothing, it wouldn't always be a screaming match.
"I think I'm gonna grab some Coke."
"I'm a Pepsi guy myself."
"PEPSI! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIKE PEPSI!? ARE YOU STUPID? IS THAT IT? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF TRASH?!"
"...Why are you yelling at me right now? There are kids around us, man. Calm down."
"YOU DISAGREED WITH ME! THIS IS HOW YOU REACT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! YOU SPEAK AT AN UNREASONABLY LOUD VOLUME WHILE CALLING THE OTHER PERSON A PIECE OF GARBAGE!"
Wouldn't happen in real life! Comment sections, though? Every second comment is someone punching his or her keyboard.
"I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM SO I DECIDED TO BREAK THE CAPS LOCK OFF OF MY COMPUTER AND TYPE AWAY! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO ANGRY! PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T TYPE ANY SMALL LETTERS! WHY DID I BREAK THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? I MAY NOT BE MAD ONE DAY! WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LIVE THIS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF TIME. SUCK IT, WORLD!"

People get mad for no reason, and then, even worse, people get mad because their insane racism cannot be contained. There are always some racists throwing their thoughts on multiculturalism on videos. Videos about race? Nope. Could just be a video with two kittens, playing in a box. Is the comment section under that video safe? Two kittens that have no affiliation to any race at all as they are not humans? Absolutely not.
"These kittens are cute and everything, but even their soft furry heads and tiny, cute little paw pads can't curb my anger. Black people need to go! Get back to Africa! I bet these kittens voted for Obama! Get them out of this country, too!"

What is the point of this? Why is it such a constant? Do higher ups at racist groups demand this?
"Jesus, Chris, I told you to type 'Koreans don't deserve to live' on that video of Dora The Explorer!"
"I'm sorry, Cyclops Jerry. I just don't see what that will do."
"Look, just Cyclops, okay? And – my God, don't you see? What if a Korean is reading that comment section right now? Huh?! Now they won't know that they don't deserve to live! Do you understand now?"
"...Well... Jerry, I just think th–"
"Cyclops! And that's it! Question Cyclops Jerry? Time to pay. Go burn fifty crosses and say one hundred 'Jews control the media'."
"...Okay, fine... but can I say quickly? I like being a member here and everything, the cookouts are delicious and the uniform is quite comfortable, but I don't understand the "burning the cross" thing. I mean, we like Jesus, right? Why burn the cross? Doesn't that only hurt us?'
"...You are on thin white ice right now, buddy. GO DO IT!"

Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.
"Hmm, weird. A comment not attached to anything. That's weird."
"If you think it's weird, why don't you kill yourself!"
"What? Don't you find it a little weird there's nothing here to watch or read?"
"I think you're a little weird, bud. Kill yourself!"
"Hey, both of you guys are bitches. Stop crying!"
"How did we all get here? There's nothing here!"
""How did we all get here?" What a loser bitch."

Is there something that says you have to have dropped out of grade five to comment on something? Did any of the people who write in comment sections go to school? At all? Even for one day of their life? Were they raised on a rock in a ravine? Only because I assume that if you were raised on a rock in a ravine, there wouldn't be a lot of schooling on punctuation.
"All right, I'm going to teach you how to snare an animal. It's gonna come in handy out here on this rock that we live on."
"Gotcha. I have to eat."
"Yes, you do. Just as important? Forming a sentence in writing with good punctuation. It won't help you out here beside this algae, but if you ever have to tell someone what you think of their work online, it'll come in handy."
"When will I ever need that skill, though? We live in the woods on this rock. I have never even seen another person!"
"I'm not raising you on this rock in a ravine to act like a kid who was raised on a rock in a ravine. You'll learn proper punctuation!"
"Why are we out here anyway, dad? We have a house."
"I told you, your mother and I had a disagreement about Pepsi. Now snare that squirrel!"

When you are commenting on the internet, why doesn’t punctuation apply? Can you not spare any? Are you saving your periods and commas for that law dissertation you have coming up?
"Man, I'd love to use a question mark here, but I have that big paper due this weekend and I only have ten left. Well, I guess they'll just have to figure out for themselves where I wanted sentences to stop and end. I honestly didn't know I'd have that much to say about Katy Perry."

The punctuation is horrible and so is the spelling! Comment sections are promoting the worst spelling on the planet. People aren't even trying to spell words correctly. Not at all.
"I told u that i d0nt th3nk that u should b famass you are dum not talantd and 2@^n hytiniw 8&&(nhyg), ya know"

There should be a reading level requirement before you're allowed to leave a comment. At the very least, you should have to have heard of Robert Louis Stevenson before you're allowed to say anything about anything.
"What is this? I go to write a comment and they ask me, 'Who wrote Treasure Island?' I don't know that shit. I want to hate now!"

Take these sections away from us! We clearly do not deserve them or know how to use them whatsoever. Let's stop with the war on childhood obesity for a minute, and focus on the war on people de-evolving to their lowest form and screaming at others through broken English and terrible spelling. 
And after everything I've said, leave a comment below.
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