Over the last couple of years, I've been in conversations with
people about the earth's overpopulation. Apparently, there are too many
of us. Yep, that's right. Some of us just should not, or are not
supposed to be here. Were YOU the one to tip the scale? The kid you had?
today's top story, the Hermans had a little baby boy today. Why is this
a top story? Well, because newborn Chris Herman has pushed the earth's
population into the unlivable. Oh, wait! This just in, an old woman was
beaten to death for her change purse on a Wisconsin interstate. We are
back to a livable number."
Why just people? There are a lot of
dogs. Maybe there are too many dogs. Do you have a dog? Maybe it's time
to throw that dog into the street and get the numbers down.
always been good to me, Sparkles, but there's just too many of you.
I'll try to make sure you land on a car when I throw you off the
Are there really too many people on the planet? I think it's an excuse.
use the overpopulation argument as an excuse to not have kids. I've
heard people say they're not having kids because there are too many
people on earth. Wow. You're taking that upon yourself, Captain Planet?
Were you planning on having as many kids as there are residents of
Cleveland? No? Then not having one kid probably isn't going to help very
"So that future generations don't have to stand on each other, I'm not going to have kids."
"That's great! We could use four hundred thousand less people on the planet."
"Four hundred thousand? What am I, a roach? I was talking about not having one."
You think not having one kid is going to help anything? Listen, man,
have the kid. Have three. Hey, Hal! You hear this guy? One kid. One!
Hurt the earth more to throw a plastic six-pack holder on the ground.
One! Oh, man. That's rich."
"I don't want to have kids because the earth doesn't need anymore."
over yourself. Are you serious? You're doing that for the earth? Just
say you don't want kids! You're allowed to think that! Overpopulation
seems to be the new 'not ready' for kids.
"Honey, I want to have a baby. We've been together for awhile and I think we're old and mature enough."
thought this would come up. Aggghhhh, look. I was in the mall today and
there were people everywhere! I'm talking wall-to-wall,
'I-wasn't-alone-in-any-store' people! I just don't think this world
needs another face eating at Baskin Robbins."
"So you're saying you can't have a kid because there is no space in the mall?"
couldn't even get to the khakis! You know how much I like khakis. I had
to just stare at them through people's arms. I just think until it
cools down a little bit out there, we should chill."
say that they don't want to have kids because there's not enough space
on the planet. Is it just people taking up all this space? Why not stop
Starbucks? There are a lot of those around. They're taking up a lot of
space, and you can't even have conversations with them.
don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good job, my girl's cool. I
just can't get happy. Do you know what I mean, 'building on the corner
of Main and Church'?"
"Yeah. I don't have any answers either. Hey, have you seen Breaking Bad?"
"You are a tough nut to crack, building."
People really don't think there's enough space on the planet?
is everyone gonna go? There are people everywhere. Everywhere! I can't
walk down aisle two when I want! I can't even open my car doors. I have
to live in my car!"
Where's everyone gonna go? I don't know.
Most of Canada? Middle America? There's open space everywhere! I'm sure
there is some space in Iceland we could move some people to. Greenland.
Newfoundland. Any of the places that end in 'land'. Any place where
hunting is a recreational activity, there is space.
I just went hunting and I didn't see one person. Just a bunch of trees.
Offer a tree a beer, see what happens. Rude ass tree just looks at
You can actually say there's no space?
Have you gone everywhere? You've been all over the world and done
censuses? Or did you just go to a crowded area, someone bumped into you
and you decided that some people deserve to die?
"Man, I can't
believe it. That guy bumped into me and spilled my Jamba Juice all over
my shirt. There are too many people on this planet. That guy should be
set on fire!"
Just because you saw a lot of people in a
McDonalds doesn't mean there isn't space on the planet for everyone. You
live in a place where there are tons of people. That doesn't mean
there's no space at all.
apparently also given rise to adoption. People say that they don't want
to have kids because there are kids who need to be adopted.
are tons of kids out there. Do I REALLY need to have my own? Some
mother had one, tossed it in a dumpster. One mother's trash is another
mother's high school graduate. I'll just dust this one off and raise
"Really? It has a beef jerky wrapper stuck to it."
"I said I'll dust it off."
there are kids out there who need to be raised. That's good of you to
do it. But if you're gonna do it, just do it! There's no need for the
reason, definitely if the reason is overpopulation.
overpopulation is even a legitimate argument, then we should find a way
to make kids that isn't so fun. Right now? The activity is amazing. Sex
is great. Maybe just change the name from sex. That might get people to
calm down on wanting to do it.
"Yo, you see that girl over there, man?"
"Yeah. She's hot."
"I wanna 'maybe make a baby' with her tonight'."
"...Are you sure?"
"...Yeah, you're right. Let's just go get some sex."
overpopulation argument suggests that we should start thinning people
out. That we have to control this. Really? We're just gonna decide who
stays and who goes? Who's able to have kids and who isn't? Where do we
start, bud? What's the application like to be on of the 'people who are
not blown away just for being born' list?
"Here is your application."
Question one. Have you ever liked a tweet, but didn't retweet it just
because you were angry about how good it was? Well, sure. Once or
"You have failed. We do not want your kind here. Please throw yourself off of that cliff."
a quick way to see if you would be on the list if we started thinning
people out. If you've talked about overpopulation at a bar, you are NOT
on the list. You are not on the ship. Neither am I. If thinning people out is because of overpopulation is an actual
conversation being had, it's taking place between billionaires behind
move away bookshelves. Not over Pabst Blue Ribbon on patio furniture.