Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

We don't deserve comment sections.

Comment sections need to be taken away from us. Time and time again we have shown as a society that we cannot handle them. For years now, people have been screaming at each other in comment sections. I bet the last time there was a nice comment was during the great depression.
"I say, I love your article on monocles and how only one eye needs to see exquisitely while also looking exquisite. Just wanted to give you a 'hear, hear', old chap. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"
But later on? Comment sections just became a place for people who can't speak, spell, or who have no human decency to be showcased.
"There be a raisin that your artical be all stupid and shit I dont tink iVe ever been angry like this eva"
Look, it's 2012. We should be able to intelligently use all of the equipment we have. If we want to advance this world – stop focusing on making new phones and let's focus on getting rid of comment sections.

Ninety percent of comments are negative. Commenting on things negatively makes sense sometimes. When an article has its facts wrong or when a video is misinformed.
"Excuse me, you said in your article that the fourth of July is this Saturday the fifth. You see the problem here, right? Do you understand why this is angering me? You made me comment here. You did! It's called the FOURTH OF JULY! Are you insane?"

Rarely does anyone just say that something is wrong with what they have read or that they don't like it. The way people usually do it is to try to destroy someone.
"Hey, stranger from Russia, trying to juggle oranges for the world’s entertainment – you didn't entertain me. How does that feel? Huh! I watched the whole thing and hated it! The whole time I wanted to puke. Why don't you try again, loser!?"
That would actually be much nicer than the comments that people send. People want people to die in comments! Just die. There are RARELY any comments that are constructive.
"Hey, orange-juggling-guy. I see that you are okay, but could use help. I know a juggling teacher in your area. You should give him a call."
Nope. Most of the comments people choose to write?
"Why don't you just die?! Yeah, die! Why don't you get AIDS and die? Trying to entertain me with juggling? I didn't ask you to and I don't want it. Do the world a favor and take your orange-dropping ass to hell!"

You want people who are trying to entertain you to die if you don't find it entertaining? That is how kings acted! Kings would sit on a throne, bored, eating a wild boar thigh, and court jesters would dance in front of them, while the king would decide if they live or die!
"Ugh, pan flute again? Look, cut his head off. No, no. Cut his head off while he's being pulled apart by horses. Wait, wait, wait. Feed his left leg to the dragon, boil his right side, and beat his head in with his pan flute. In the town square. Yes... yes, that pleases the king. And cut his damn head off!"
Kings did that. And now with comment sections, everyone acts like a king! We can all sit at home in our computer chairs, bored, eating a Pop-Tart, deciding the fate of people.
"Ugh, sketch video again? Look, cut your heads off! No, get hit by cars. Wait, wait, wait. I hope a Komodo dragon comes into your house, spitting hot acid, and burns you as he bites you to death while you are holding your 'funny' ideas. Yeah, that pleases xboxowner2657!"

Most of the time, it's either death or nothing. People seem to only want to tell people when they have done something they hate. You can picture people at home when they don't completely hate something.
"We got a smart guy here, huh? Just BARELY entertained me, but dammit, you did. You are lucky, bud! If I hated it, you would be dead! Virtually dead in a terrible way!"

Comment sections also, a lot of the time, contain people who aren't even commenting on what they have seen or read. They are arguing with other people who have commented. They are arguing with other people who are commenting! Commenters arguing with commenters who are commenting! When that happens, they are never arguing about what they have seen or read.
"What are you – dumb? I have never wanted to see someone's entire family be beaten to death in the street before, but you, sir. You... wow."
"Oh, yeah? You hate me, huh? Why don't you keep sleeping with your two-ton wife in that trailer home of yours, you middle school janitor! Tell your kids 'Cletus' and 'SarahAnneJessicaJessieBeth' that the fries are done!"
"Actually, bud, I live in Pittsburgh. Get your story straight. I'm going back to watching this Prince video and I hope that communist pinko dirtbag bastards like you leave me alone!"
"You actually like Prince? You're what's wrong with the planet."
"If you don't like him, why are you here?"
"I'm here to get hate off of my chest! That's why I'm here! You got a problem with that, un-American?!"

Also, why do people have to act as if they are Christopher Columbus in comment sections? People love to discover untouched comment sections like it's land and place their "first!" there.
"Whoa! Look at this. No one’s been here before. I'm the first! First! I'm the first one to comment! I'm like the pilgrims. There should be a Comments-givings Day for what I've accomplished! I'll tell the world through comments!"
Why do people do this? Did they even see the thing they're commenting on? Does it matter to them? Do they just search the internet for empty comment sections?
"Nope, that one is filled up... not this one either... BAM! I'm the first! Oh, man. What a rush. Now I can sleep."

Another reason they should be taken away from us? People cannot control their emotions on them. Tears are shed, voices are raised, and emotions run high. People take these so seriously and get so upset when someone disagrees with them.
"Ya know, when my mother died I wasn't as upset as this loser telling me that Justin Bieber isn't the lord of the world. I... I don't even know what to say... YES HE IS! Oh, God!"
Disagreements over meaningless things turn into screaming matches. If you disagreed with someone in real life over nothing, it wouldn't always be a screaming match.
"I think I'm gonna grab some Coke."
"I'm a Pepsi guy myself."
"PEPSI! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIKE PEPSI!? ARE YOU STUPID? IS THAT IT? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF TRASH?!"
"...Why are you yelling at me right now? There are kids around us, man. Calm down."
"YOU DISAGREED WITH ME! THIS IS HOW YOU REACT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! YOU SPEAK AT AN UNREASONABLY LOUD VOLUME WHILE CALLING THE OTHER PERSON A PIECE OF GARBAGE!"
Wouldn't happen in real life! Comment sections, though? Every second comment is someone punching his or her keyboard.
"I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM SO I DECIDED TO BREAK THE CAPS LOCK OFF OF MY COMPUTER AND TYPE AWAY! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO ANGRY! PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T TYPE ANY SMALL LETTERS! WHY DID I BREAK THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? I MAY NOT BE MAD ONE DAY! WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LIVE THIS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF TIME. SUCK IT, WORLD!"

People get mad for no reason, and then, even worse, people get mad because their insane racism cannot be contained. There are always some racists throwing their thoughts on multiculturalism on videos. Videos about race? Nope. Could just be a video with two kittens, playing in a box. Is the comment section under that video safe? Two kittens that have no affiliation to any race at all as they are not humans? Absolutely not.
"These kittens are cute and everything, but even their soft furry heads and tiny, cute little paw pads can't curb my anger. Black people need to go! Get back to Africa! I bet these kittens voted for Obama! Get them out of this country, too!"

What is the point of this? Why is it such a constant? Do higher ups at racist groups demand this?
"Jesus, Chris, I told you to type 'Koreans don't deserve to live' on that video of Dora The Explorer!"
"I'm sorry, Cyclops Jerry. I just don't see what that will do."
"Look, just Cyclops, okay? And – my God, don't you see? What if a Korean is reading that comment section right now? Huh?! Now they won't know that they don't deserve to live! Do you understand now?"
"...Well... Jerry, I just think th–"
"Cyclops! And that's it! Question Cyclops Jerry? Time to pay. Go burn fifty crosses and say one hundred 'Jews control the media'."
"...Okay, fine... but can I say quickly? I like being a member here and everything, the cookouts are delicious and the uniform is quite comfortable, but I don't understand the "burning the cross" thing. I mean, we like Jesus, right? Why burn the cross? Doesn't that only hurt us?'
"...You are on thin white ice right now, buddy. GO DO IT!"

Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.
"Hmm, weird. A comment not attached to anything. That's weird."
"If you think it's weird, why don't you kill yourself!"
"What? Don't you find it a little weird there's nothing here to watch or read?"
"I think you're a little weird, bud. Kill yourself!"
"Hey, both of you guys are bitches. Stop crying!"
"How did we all get here? There's nothing here!"
""How did we all get here?" What a loser bitch."

Is there something that says you have to have dropped out of grade five to comment on something? Did any of the people who write in comment sections go to school? At all? Even for one day of their life? Were they raised on a rock in a ravine? Only because I assume that if you were raised on a rock in a ravine, there wouldn't be a lot of schooling on punctuation.
"All right, I'm going to teach you how to snare an animal. It's gonna come in handy out here on this rock that we live on."
"Gotcha. I have to eat."
"Yes, you do. Just as important? Forming a sentence in writing with good punctuation. It won't help you out here beside this algae, but if you ever have to tell someone what you think of their work online, it'll come in handy."
"When will I ever need that skill, though? We live in the woods on this rock. I have never even seen another person!"
"I'm not raising you on this rock in a ravine to act like a kid who was raised on a rock in a ravine. You'll learn proper punctuation!"
"Why are we out here anyway, dad? We have a house."
"I told you, your mother and I had a disagreement about Pepsi. Now snare that squirrel!"

When you are commenting on the internet, why doesn’t punctuation apply? Can you not spare any? Are you saving your periods and commas for that law dissertation you have coming up?
"Man, I'd love to use a question mark here, but I have that big paper due this weekend and I only have ten left. Well, I guess they'll just have to figure out for themselves where I wanted sentences to stop and end. I honestly didn't know I'd have that much to say about Katy Perry."

The punctuation is horrible and so is the spelling! Comment sections are promoting the worst spelling on the planet. People aren't even trying to spell words correctly. Not at all.
"I told u that i d0nt th3nk that u should b famass you are dum not talantd and 2@^n hytiniw 8&&(nhyg), ya know"

There should be a reading level requirement before you're allowed to leave a comment. At the very least, you should have to have heard of Robert Louis Stevenson before you're allowed to say anything about anything.
"What is this? I go to write a comment and they ask me, 'Who wrote Treasure Island?' I don't know that shit. I want to hate now!"

Take these sections away from us! We clearly do not deserve them or know how to use them whatsoever. Let's stop with the war on childhood obesity for a minute, and focus on the war on people de-evolving to their lowest form and screaming at others through broken English and terrible spelling. 
And after everything I've said, leave a comment below.
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