If you're between fourteen and twenty five, the world is for you.

I have gotten mad over the years about remakes of movies and music. I just can't help but get angry. Sometimes I stop dead in the middle of a theatre hallway, almost dropping my popcorn, staring at a poster for a movie that I know came out when I was a kid. Have I gone back in time? Was there a portal I stepped through at the ticket ripping station?

"Ticket, sir... your movie is right through this swirling vortex and to the right. You might want to leave your watch here. The vortex doesn't treat them nice."

Nope. It's a poster for a remake. A remake of a very popular movie. Why remake a movie that was good in the first place?

"Let's remake Total Recall."

"Why? The first one was great. Shouldn't we remake a movie that flopped? Let's take a second crack at The Love Guru."

"Ugh. Why? I hated that movie."

"Exactly!"

I realized, though, there is nothing to be mad at. If I live long enough, I'll see this happen three or four times. That's how it seems to be. Everything that was once popular just keeps getting made. Movies, music, clothing. All of it.

Everything that was once popular gets recycled so that fourteen to twenty five year olds can be entertained. Everyone in that age group seems to be entertained by the same things. The same way that babies are. You know how it was figured out years ago that a rattle would keep a baby entertained, therefore we kept making the rattle and parents kept buying the rattle? Same idea. We figured out musically and movie wise what would keep fourteen to twenty five years olds entertained as well, and we keep using it, just changing the packaging a bit.

"Quick! This fifteen year old is getting bored. What can we do?!"

"Well, when I was fifteen and bored, I listened to Madonna."

"Hmmm, it's good stuff, but Madonna looks like the woman that cleaned my hotel room. Anyone younger doing something similar?"

"Yeah, actually!  Lady Gaga."

"Woa. La..dy...Ga...Ga. Huh. Sounds younger. No more super pouty fifteen year old! Now just pouty."

Right now, Justin Bieber is massive, but he's been here before. In the nineties his equivalent for people between fourteen and twenty-five was the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. In the eighties, it was Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. It's all the same. Backstreet Boys now would be considered old men to the new generation. One day, though, that'll be the same with Justin Bieber.

"Hey, kids! You want to go see Justin Bieber this weekend?"

"Wow, Dad. What is he, like, thirty-eight now? It's 2034. He's probably had hip replacements. Why don't you just take us to the Carousel of Progress?"

"...That was gonna be my second option. (<Looks at himself in the rearview mirror>) You thought you were a cool dad, huh? You're a damn failure!"

Basically the same artists come along every couple of years. Right down to the look. Bieber wore overalls with one strap hanging down. Do we remember just about every RnB singer with that album cover from the nineties? It was almost a prerequisite.

"Okay. You've got the look, the voice and the music. But something just isn't quite right... I got it! You don't have your obligatory 'overall, one strap down while looking off into the distance' album cover! It says, 'I'm good with my hands AND what I got downstairs'."

"But I wear suits. I don't think that look will work for me."

"Do you want to look sexy and dangerous? Do you want to survive the nineties? One strap down, bud."

The only thing that gets said now is that the 'new' people took what the older generation did and reinvented it.

"This new generation of pop stars have really reinvented the genre."

Reinvented it? What does that mean? They made new instruments and sounds? They found a new way for ears to hear things? They sing in a way that no one has sung before?

"I can't use these instruments to make this music. EVERYONE uses these."

"What do you suggest?"

"Hmmm. Boil down this guitar, drum sets, saxophone and piano together. Let the rubble cool down, and then freeze it for two weeks. Let it thaw out and THAT'S the instrument I'll use."

"But I just bought this guitar."

"Boil it!"

Even ads are for the thirteen to twenty-five market. If the ad isn't, the ad is telling an older person how they can and should be younger.

"Remember when you were nineteen? Well, so does Oil of Olay. You grew up, but that can change. Your face doesn't have to look like a trucker's back. Now, we have invented a cream that tells Father Time to suck it, and brings youth back to that old hacky sack with lips you carry around on your head. Oil Of Olay, your age is gross."

The only ads for older people are about not being able to get to the bathroom or retirement.

"Hey. Are you old? Almost dead? Can you feel the Grim Reaper in the room with you at all times, just waiting for you to make a mistake at the top of the basement stairs? Scary, huh? Though, not nearly as scary as what you'll do ten years from now if you don't have any money! Here at Citibank, we want to make sure that if the Grim Reaper is watching you, it's while you're buying drinks in Miami for younger women. Who knows. Maybe he'll wing man? Invest with Citibank. Pass with cash."

Right now, it's the coolest thing in the world for people under twenty-five to dress the way that people my age did in the nineties. High top fades, t-shirts with Steve Urkel on them, high top sneakers. Basically, the wardrobe that was used for Do The Right Thing and White Men Can't Jump has been copied thousands of times and sent back out to people. 

The best part is, people who are that age think you're a loser if you don't wear it now.

"Oh, a fitted hat? Naw, man. We do snapbacks over here."

"Yeah, I wore those already. When I was a kid. In the nineties. They came out for us. Matter of fact, you're wearing a hat I had in grade three! That's my hat!"

"I bought this "

"No. That stuff was made for me already. I already did it!"

If you have a younger brother or sister, clothes and toys are passed down to them. It's as if the world is doing that with music and movies. Pop culture is 'hand me down'.

"Hey, don't throw out that movie idea. What, you're the ONLY group of fourteen to twenty five year olds that gets to see Top Gun? Not all of them have seen it yet. They're still being born! When you're done with it, make a newer one for the next generation."
"Ah, man, couldn't they just watch the old Top Gun?"
"Look, they need actors in it they can relate to. Did YOU want to watch and old Top Gun? Would you have watched Top Gun if it starred Charleton Heston?"
"... No, ma'am."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.

"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."

"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."

"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"

"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."

"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.

"Can I have a muffin?"

"A muffin?"

"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."

"So a bagel?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."

"What? You want a treat?"

"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.

"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."

"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."

"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"

"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."

Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.

"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."

<GASPS>

"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."

"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."

"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"

"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"

"Let me go talk to him."

"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.

"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"

"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."

Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.

"She should be punched in the face!"

"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"

"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 

"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.

"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."

"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."

"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"

"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."

"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"

"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.

"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.

"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."

"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."

"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."

"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"

"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.

"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"

"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"

"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."

"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"

"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!

"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"

It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?

"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"

I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!

"Will that be small, medium or large?"

"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Every movie has to be two and a half hours?

I remember a time when some movies were an hour and a half. If a movie was two and a half hours, it was usually because the acting was great, it was about a true event, and it was going to be nominated for an Oscar. Now? There's barely a movie that gets made that isn't as long as it takes to cook a pot roast.

"How long should I cook this turkey?"

"Toss Spiderman 3 on. When that's done, throw it out the window and never bring it into this house again. Also, that turkey will be done."

Some movies need to be two and a half hours. Movies about true events where the details and the story are crucial. They could have made Chaplin an hour and a half, but it was about a man's life. Hard to knock out details.

"I want to make movies! That's what I want to do!"

"Okay. Nobody's stopping you. Start making movies!"

"All right, I will!"

'And Charlie made movies. Very popular movies. He was banned from America for some stuff. The end.'

But there are a lot of movies that do not have to be this long.

For example, comedy movies. Why the hell do comedies need to be as long as Amistad? Pretty much every Judd Apatow movie is at least a half hour longer than it needs to be. They are funny, but there's a point when it's just overkill. Save some of the jokes for another movie. Funny People was one hundred and forty-six minutes. Amistad was one hundred and fifty-five. How does a comedy with Adam Sandler need to be nine minutes shy of a movie about the true story of a slave ship?

"Guys, I think I know how to stop racism. If I make a funny movie that's longer than a sad movie about slaves, I can break the curse."

"...What curse?"

"The curse of racism. It's only stuck around because of these long movies. Wait! I have to make this movie longer than Roots! THAT'S where the power of the curse lies! Get the writers back. We need to make this eight hours long. This curse will be destroyed!"

Even comedies that are fantastic don't need to be that long. Dumb and Dumber. That movie is crazy funny. It's one hundred and seven minutes long. And in that one hundred and seven minutes, I was given all of the information and jokes I needed to enjoy that movie. What's missing from it? Would it have been better if there were another forty-five minutes in it?

"That movie was great! It was funny and has one of the best endings ever. But… what happens to them when they walk away from the Hawaiian Tropic bus? Do they get jobs in the next town? Do they ever find love? Does Harry grow out of that ridiculous haircut? So many unanswered questions. I really wish it were longer."

Over the last few years, why have movies started to become so long? Were people complaining that they didn't have enough time to sit in the theatre chairs that lean back?

"Man, JUST when I get my chair leaned into the perfect position, the movie's over. I swear, Hollywood, stop cutting these off as soon as I get comfortable. Or maybe I should learn to get comfortable sooner. Nope, Hollywood's fault."

Were people upset that they didn't have the chance to stay in a building that charges $5.50 for bottled water? Was there a vote taken that people were upset that they weren't given enough time to finish the monstrous Coca Cola slushies and popcorn that they buy?

"Whoa, this is great. I really like thi... credits? What the hell?! I JUST spiked this slushie for the fourth time. Where am I gonna drink this now? In an alley? And how am I going to finish this tub of popcorn! I can't carry this home on the subway with me. I can't have people knowing I eat this much to myself! It has to be eaten in a dark room like everything else that is shameful. Man. They have to start making these longer."

Have they started making every movie long because of the price increase of the movies? Do they feel they owe us more because movies are fifteen dollars now?

"Look, we can't charge fifteen bucks and only give them an hour and a half of movie."

"What if the movie is really good? They'll probably leave with a beautiful feeling and tell everyone to go see it. If we just make it longer for the sake of making it longer, we'll bore them and they won't tell anyone to see it!"

"Answer me this. When have you ever paid fifteen dollars and not stayed in that place for two and a half hours?"

"Buying socks, picking up fruit, eating an upsized Big Mac meal, getting pants hemmed. How many of these do you want me to name?"

"That's enough. Now, if you had bought socks and could sit down and try them on for two and a half hours in a dark room with OTHER people who are doing the same thing, wouldn't you feel that you got your money's worth?"

"...No! There honestly couldn't be anything I can think of that would be worse. Why would anyone want to do that?"

"Because while you do that you can watch Tom Cruise do stuff! Drive cars. Blow things up. Do you see?!"

"...I... can't...I can't even... I have to leave."

Are movies longer now because most that come out are really bad? Is that it? There are some good movies coming out for sure, but there are a LOT of bad ones as well that still don't pull out at the hour and a half mark.

"All right, the movie is done and edited, and let me tell you – it stinks."

"What's wrong with it?"

"The story, the actors, the editing. The last one is my fault, but when you see a story and actors that are this bad, you don't care about editing it well."

"Oh, man. This is bad. People are going to hate it… I know! We'll make it longer, so they don't feel like they are getting ripped off!"

"...Whoa! I love that idea! How can you complain something was bad if you get a lot of it? It's like if you complain about your two-piece at KFC, and they give you six more pieces! The other six are still trash, but it's MORE OF THEM!"

"Exactly. So throw it all in. Continuity errors, boom mics in the shot, flubbed lines. We'll keep them in the theatre so long, they'll love it!"

The two and a half hour movie is becoming such a staple that soon people will probably be upset if theirs isn't that long.

"How was the movie?"

"Total rip! It was only an hour and forty minutes. Great movie, but come on? I mean, I paid for a babysitter! She's just gonna make thirty bucks for two hours of work?"

"...I'm the babysitter. You are talking to me."

"...Oh ...Yeah. Sorry. Do you mind if I give you the thirty next week? I bought Milk Duds... You want a Milk Dud?"

When is this long trend going to catch on with TV? I'm waiting for half hour sitcoms to become marathons.

"Did you see The Big Bang Theory last night?"

"Are you serious? I don't have a spare hour and a half."

"Man, it was a good one. The gang lost their apartment, got it back, beat ALL of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ON CAMERA, AND lost all of their virginities with a duration of five minutes each. It was epic. Took them an hour alone to get out of the water temple. With commercials! Just amazing."

Most movies do not need to be this long at all. We don't spend this much time on other things that are interesting. People can get through a zoo in less than two and a half hours. A zoo! A place that has beautiful, exotic, live animals. We can get all that we need out of that place in about an hour.

"Huh, look at that. A rhino. Never saw that before... All right, we ready to go home?"

Twitter@nathanmacintosh