I have gotten mad over the years about remakes of movies and music.
I just can't help but get angry. Sometimes I stop dead in the middle of
a theatre hallway, almost dropping my popcorn, staring at a poster for a
movie that I know came out when I was a kid. Have I gone back in time?
Was there a portal I stepped through at the ticket ripping station?
sir... your movie is right through this swirling vortex and to the
right. You might want to leave your watch here. The vortex doesn't treat
Nope. It's a poster for a remake. A remake of a very popular movie. Why remake a movie that was good in the first place?
"Let's remake Total Recall."
"Why? The first one was great. Shouldn't we remake a movie that flopped? Let's take a second crack at The Love Guru."
"Ugh. Why? I hated that movie."
realized, though, there is nothing to be mad at. If I live long enough,
I'll see this happen three or four times. That's how it seems to be.
Everything that was once popular just keeps getting made. Movies, music,
clothing. All of it.
Everything that was once popular gets recycled so that fourteen to twenty five year olds can be entertained. Everyone in that age group seems to be entertained by the same things. The same way that babies are. You know how it was figured out years ago that a rattle would keep a baby entertained, therefore we kept making the rattle and parents kept buying the rattle? Same idea. We figured out musically and movie wise what would keep fourteen to twenty five years olds entertained as well, and we keep using it, just changing the packaging a bit.
"Quick! This fifteen year old is getting bored. What can we do?!"
"Well, when I was fifteen and bored, I listened to Madonna."
"Hmmm, it's good stuff, but Madonna looks like the woman that cleaned my hotel room. Anyone younger doing something similar?"
"Yeah, actually! Lady Gaga."
"Woa. La..dy...Ga...Ga. Huh. Sounds younger. No more super pouty fifteen year old! Now just pouty."
now, Justin Bieber is massive, but he's been here before. In the
nineties his equivalent for people between fourteen and twenty-five was
the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. In the eighties, it was Debbie Gibson
and Tiffany. It's all the same. Backstreet Boys now would be considered
old men to the new generation. One day, though, that'll be the same with
"Hey, kids! You want to go see Justin Bieber this weekend?"
Dad. What is he, like, thirty-eight now? It's 2034. He's probably had
hip replacements. Why don't you just take us to the Carousel of
"...That was gonna be my second option. (<Looks
at himself in the rearview mirror>) You thought you were a cool dad,
huh? You're a damn failure!"
Basically the same
artists come along every couple of years. Right down to the look.
Bieber wore overalls with one strap hanging down. Do we remember just
about every RnB singer with that album cover from the nineties? It was
almost a prerequisite.
"Okay. You've got the look, the voice
and the music. But something just isn't quite right... I got it! You
don't have your obligatory 'overall, one strap down while looking off
into the distance' album cover! It says, 'I'm good with my hands AND
what I got downstairs'."
"But I wear suits. I don't think that look will work for me."
"Do you want to look sexy and dangerous? Do you want to survive the nineties? One strap down, bud."
The only thing that gets said now is that the 'new' people took what the older generation did and reinvented it.
"This new generation of pop stars have really reinvented the genre."
it? What does that mean? They made new instruments and sounds? They
found a new way for ears to hear things? They sing in a way that no one
has sung before?
"I can't use these instruments to make this music. EVERYONE uses these."
"What do you suggest?"
Boil down this guitar, drum sets, saxophone and piano together. Let the
rubble cool down, and then freeze it for two weeks. Let it thaw out and
THAT'S the instrument I'll use."
"But I just bought this guitar."
ads are for the thirteen to twenty-five market. If the ad isn't, the ad
is telling an older person how they can and should be younger.
when you were nineteen? Well, so does Oil of Olay. You grew up, but
that can change. Your face doesn't have to look like a trucker's back.
Now, we have invented a cream that tells Father Time to suck it, and
brings youth back to that old hacky sack with lips you carry around on
your head. Oil Of Olay, your age is gross."
The only ads for older people are about not being able to get to the bathroom or retirement.
Are you old? Almost dead? Can you feel the Grim Reaper in the room with
you at all times, just waiting for you to make a mistake at the top of
the basement stairs? Scary, huh? Though, not nearly as scary as what
you'll do ten years from now if you don't have any money! Here at
Citibank, we want to make sure that if the Grim Reaper is watching you,
it's while you're buying drinks in Miami for younger women. Who knows.
Maybe he'll wing man? Invest with Citibank. Pass with cash."
now, it's the coolest thing in the world for people under twenty-five
to dress the way that people my age did in the nineties. High top fades,
t-shirts with Steve Urkel on them, high top sneakers. Basically, the
wardrobe that was used for Do The Right Thing and White Men Can't Jump
has been copied thousands of times and sent back out to people.
The best part is, people who are that age think you're a loser if you don't wear it now.
"Oh, a fitted hat? Naw, man. We do snapbacks over here."
I wore those already. When I was a kid. In the nineties. They came out
for us. Matter of fact, you're wearing a hat I had in grade three!
That's my hat!"
"I bought this "
"No. That stuff was made for me already. I already did it!"
If you have a younger brother or sister, clothes and toys are passed down to them. It's as if the world is doing that with music and movies. Pop culture is 'hand me down'.
"Hey, don't throw out that movie idea. What, you're the ONLY group of fourteen to twenty five year olds that gets to see Top Gun? Not all of them have seen it yet. They're still being born! When you're done with it, make a newer one for the next generation."
"Ah, man, couldn't they just watch the old Top Gun?"
"Look, they need actors in it they can relate to. Did YOU want to watch and old Top Gun? Would you have watched Top Gun if it starred Charleton Heston?"
"... No, ma'am."