Everything fun is stupid.

I'm one of the first to comment on rap music. I'll be one of the first to say that it's stupid, but that doesn't mean that it's bad. People say they hate rap music now because it's stupid. Sure. A lot of it is stupid. That guy just rhymed pizza with couch. Nobody can say that's smart.

"Does anyone have an answer for the question on the board?"

"Pizza couch!"

"... Who founded America?... Pizza couch. Not correct by any stretch but hey, made me feel good!"

I get it. It's dumb. But it's fun. What's the alternative? Only lyrics? Just solid lyrical ability? I mean there's a lot of pop music that is trash. That hasn't always been the case. What if we just make all music classical?

"You got a ten dollar bill put your hand up! You got a twenty dollar bill put your hand up! If you got a powered wig on put your hang up! Alright, all the gentleman in the place, if you're ready to hear Bach, make some nooooiiissseeeee!"

Yes, a lot of rap is stupid. But everything that is fun is stupid. Don't believe me? Here's some things. That are stupid. 

Roller coasters - What a stupid thing to do to yourself. Roller coasters go upwards of 90mph, twisting and turning on metal, or WOODEN track. Sometimes your legs are dangling and swinging through the air. You could possibly lose on. It's happened. Or be thrown from this thing and land in the parking lot. MAYBE that didn't happen, but similar things have happened. Is that dumb? Yes! Is it fun? Yes! Fun as hell! Nobody complains about roller coasters being stupid, though. Nobody says, 'Man, this is dumb. Not one lyrical thing on this at all. I didn't hear ONE line about how the illuminati is FOR SURE a thing. Back to Nas for me."

Un protected sex - I mean, is anything more fun? Having sex with a human being with nothing blocking you and their business? What a great thing. Who wants to put a bag on their junk? Who wants to have a junk that's in a bag be inserted into their business? Well, people, but only because we should. It's good for us to do. But man, not doing it? THAT'S some fun. But how stupid is it? Almost the most stupid. You can get a disease, you can get a kid. You could have a diseased kid with some animal who you barely know. All of that, and we still have un protected sex. Why? Fun! Fun, dammit! And because sometimes you just can't get to a condom, and we're animals, it happens. Does that make it smart? Never. But nobody says anything about this. Nobody says, 'Man, this is dumb. I put my un covered penis into an uncovered woman, and I didn't hear ONE lyric about how hard it is growing up poor. Not ONE. Well, back to Nas for me."

Drinking - I mean, seriously. Does this even need to be talked about? Drinking is a very stupid thing. People fight because of alcohol, they crash cars, have un-protected sex (see above), and say things they don't mean. People climb stupid things and fall off while drinking. People call people they should not call while drinking. But nobody ever talks about this being dumb. Nobody ever is drunk, gets a call from a drunk person and says, 'Man, this is DUMB. You haven't said ONE real thing about how the government treats us. NOT....ONE. You just keep saying we should get back together. Say ONE line about Republicans and maybe.... No? Well, back to Nas for me." (Hangs up. Pauses. Throws up. Pauses. Passes out.)

There's a whole bunch of other fun things that are dumb. Cliff diving, white water rafting, rock climbing, racing in your car, donuts in your car, driving through mud in your car, wrestling, watching wrestling, going to wrestling, watching wrestling in your car. A ton of things. Point is, they're all fun. And fun is stupid.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Things I'll still do when I'm a millionaire.

Millionaires really start living like people in weird bubbles pretty early on. Once you become a millionaire, seems to be some things you just stop doing that regular humans keep on keeping on with. When I become a millionaire, here's a list of things I'm still gonna do with my goddamn ass.

1. Walk my own dogs 

Yep. When I become a millionaire, I'm gonna walk the dog or dogs that I have myself.

'What? Why?! How the hell could you put your hands that have all that money on a leash? Or, even worse, a leash attached to a ...dog.'

I truly don't understand having a dog and not walking it. That's one of the things that you do with a dog. That's one of the things that is done with this animal when you own one. They need walks. They get walks. They like going outside and smelling stuff. They like smelling that strange dogs butt. It's a big part of the lives of these domesticated pets. So, you're going to get one of these creatures, and NOT do with them one of the major things that they involve? Why don't you just have a TV that you hire people to come over and watch?

"I just bought this sweet ass, seventy five hundred inch TV! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn badass millionaire. I'm a millionaire, son! Now, where's the number of that service where I pay a struggling actor forty bucks to sit in front of this thing for an hour? Oh yeah, I'll just lean out my window and yell, because I'm a badass millionaire!"

If when I'm a millionaire I'm too busy for dogs, and everyone in my house is as well, there will be no dogs. But if I have a dog, I'll walk that mother. I will see my dog smell that butt. 

2. Raise my own kids  

Now, jesus christ. This one shouldn't even be a thought. You have kids. These kids need to be raised. So, you.. raise... them. YOU do. The person who made them. The piece of machinery that brought this damn kid into the world. YOU, stupid. YOU take this kid out. YOU feed this kid. You don't call a woman whose trying to stay in the country you live in and get her to come over and raise the damn thing. If you're gonna do this, she should be there for the conception.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, just like that. Yeah, I'm about to, I'm aboouuuttt toooo... wait. Divina, are you going to be able to nanny for us from Monday to Friday, 8- 8? And hell, on Saturdays too?"

"... Yes. I can do that."

"Oh, boy. That's great! Because I'm about to put a FULL baby into my wife here. Oh, jesus, I'm gonna come! Ahh, ahhhh, AHHHHHH I'm never gonna be here to see this kid! ... Ah, ah god. Divina, you're really saving my life here. I can just come and come into this thing I married, and YOU deal with what this thing makes with that come! Ah, man. What a life.... Drinks, anyone?"

When I'm a millionaire, I'll raise my own kids. If I can't, and my wife is not able to as well, and the only option is to hire someone completely unrelated to this situation to raise them, I'm not going to have them. 

3. Drive my own cars 

This is another one of those things. You become a millionaire. You can afford any car you want. You pick it out. Then, you hire another human to drive you around in it. What... the fuck. What is the message here? That driving a car is for commoners? Being seen behind the wheel of a beautiful automobile is for peasants? You can't drive you're own Rolls? It's gorgeous! Get behind the wheel! Put your head out the window! Toss watches out of the sun roof! Been seen! Why get a driver for such nice cars? You should have drivers for terrible ones.

"Okay, I'm looking for a driver."

"No problem. We can help you with that. What kind of car? Rolls Royce? Maybach?"

"What? Jesus no! I drive a 97' Corolla. I'm gonna be getting a new car soon. But god, I can't be seen in this thing anymore. I'm trying to get laid, you know? People point and laugh when I'm at the light. I need someone to drive me to work, and I'm going to lay in the back seat under an old blanket. Cool?"

If I'm too busy to drive the gorgeous, half million dollar car that I buy, and everyone in my house is too busy too as well, I won't buy the car. I'll get another fountain.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh