4 Reasons To Eat A Cat
This week there was a now debunked story of migrants going to Springfield, OH, skipping every state and cat between the border and Springfield to get to this small town and it’s perfect, succulent, Ozempic taking Ohioan cats. Not one tabby between Texas and Ohio would do.
‘What about this cat?’
‘What’s wrong with you?! I didn’t jump a border to eat a NEVADA cat! Look at it! Stringy, strung out, looks like Elivis at the end of his life except thin and sun cooked. We march on!’
So people are NOT swimming to shore from Haiti, then walking all the way to Ohio to eat a cat. Or worse, getting a nine connection Spirit flight from Port-Au-Prince to a place that I’m guessing doesn’t have its own airport. You’re going to have to go Haiti to Montego Bay, Montego Bay to Miami, Miami to Minneapolis, BIG layover, then get to Cleveland and bus? Hike? Walk? Sprint to Springfield? Either way, just because this is NOT happening, it doesn’t mean that we SHOULDN’T be eating cats. Here are four reasons you should think about that calico for dinner.
THEIR ALOOFNESS
Look cat, your entire life is taken care of in here. You have toys you don’t use, a scratching post you’ve pissed on, and treats you purr for then instantly go back to being in the shower, on top of the fridge, or back in bed directly after using your litter box you piece of sh…. you could be a little nicer. You have no bills. You’re asked to do nothing around here and you always have food and water. The LEAST you could do is PRETEND to be a bit more appreciative about this. If I had a roommate who contributed nothing AND slept for 16 hours a day while showing no love and hiding for days? I’d think about eating them too.
THEIR SMELL
So you’re telling me, cat, that not only are you going to do whatever you want around here and attack people sometimes because you feel like it, you’re ALSO going to smell? Like that? Your breath? Your open air toilet box in the house? Your food? The lack of decency you show. A chicken has never pissed in a box then pretended to cover it up with gravel in somebodies house. Cows aren’t avoiding all contact with you because THEY’RE in a mood. We’re eating them, but NOT this disgusting trash heap that makes everyone’s house it lives in have that distinct, ‘dear god’, ‘what in the good god’ smell? Ya getting eaten, pal.
ANCIENT EGYPT REVERED THEM
Here’s all I’ll say here. We STILL don’t REALLY know how the pyramids got here, but the people that made them or saw them be made or whatever thought that cats were the top of the top. Cats were looked at as holy creatures. Ancient Egyptians looked at cats as vessels that gods would inhabit. Now maybe I’m nuts, but people go to church and eat Jesus. Full BODY OF CHRIST to the mouth. Take a swig of the mans blood. Lot of people look at him as god, so we’re gonna eat a carpenter but not a cat? Jesus could have even supervised the making of the pyramids had he been there. What would a cat do? Sun itself on one of the big boulders and swipe at your when you tried to get it to move? No dice, cat. You’re boiled.
THEY HAVE NINE LIVES
This one should scare us all. Which other animal out there has nine lives? The Predator? Zenomorph from Alien? Michael Myers? Jason Vorhees? Do you want any of these creatures/murderers as pets? Vorhees for sure is the only one that would stink up your house the way a cat does. Buddy lives IN a lake. Trenchfoot galore on this back from the dead mamas boy. But ANYTHING that lives more than once should be eaten. It’s too creepy to have them just roaming around. Also maybe if you eat it, you’ll get another life. Like a mushroom in Mario. A cats nine lives give you one life. So look out ‘Mrs. Mittens’, you smelly, terrible attitude having alley dweller who can fall off a building eight times and still make their high school reunion, you’re getting baked.
Nathan Macintosh (me) is a comedian with two stand up specials on youtube, ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ and has upcoming shows as well as other things below