8 Measurements Of Hot Future Christmas's Will Be

This Holiday season is a hot one! We're taking habanero pepper hot. We're talking banana pepper hot. We're talking any pepper other than green hot. We're talking HEAT baby. Christmas itself is forecast right now to be as nice as a spring day. Hot Chocolate will be able to be made by just leaving a cup of cold chocolate outside and letting the sun do it's job. This so far is one of the hottest winters in recent history, and will only get hotter. How hotter? Lot hotter. 

Opening Night To A Star Wars Movie Hot

If you've walked the earth that last forty years, you know these are HOT. Piping hot. Scald your bag hot. Waiting in a hallway with a ton of people wearing a jedi robe with butter on their hands hot. Weathermen are going to have a day on Tatooine with this. 

'It's a hot one out there. It's like a ten year wait between Star Wars movies hot! It's a brand new director and a different direction of a beloved franchise hot! Toss your shirt in the trash and get the sunscreen! George Lucas has nothing to do with this heat!'

Charlie Sheen After That Interview Hot

Woa, baby. You remember this. Tiger Blood. After this? Sheen was hotter than a grilled cheese sandwich covered in Frank's Red Hot. Sheen was hot enough to turn water into tea as he stomped past. The man went from being a person who had never performed on stage to selling out huge places to screaming fans. Weatherman's going to have a field day with this.

'This Christmas, expect to be winning with this unseasonal heat! It's hot enough to call your boss a faggot and still be able to sell out theatres! Santa will have poetry in his fingertips tonight!'

Grilled Cheese Covered In Franks Red Hot Hot

Woa, daddy. You ever pick up a grilled cheese sandwich right out of the pan? Yow, that'll burn you. You ever then toss Frank's Red Hot on the top and take a bite of this damn this? Wooooo, daddy your mouth burning. Your mouth BURNing. When your mouth is on fire like that, you will KNOW that it is about time to open presents under the tree. Weathermen are going to be snapping their gums to this.

'It's a hot one out there today. Merry Christmas and take a sip of that milk yourself. If Santa can see through this fog, he MIGHT be able to make it to you house. Hot cheese weather out there.'

Camp Fire Hot

Ever been near a camp fire? Ever fallen in and burnt your left leg, your dominate leg? Ever try to put the fire out with your right leg and fall over into the fire? Then you KNOW how awful this Christmas is going to be. It's going to feel like two burnt legs on an upcoming Christmas. The weather man on this day will be holding a flashlight under his chin telling creepy stories about monsters that live in the woods to this one.

'Tonight's forecast? OOOooooooooo..... Hot. Santa will be covering himself in bug spray to block the mosquito's from his face hot. He'll be wearing a mesh tank top. Put ice cubes in those glasses milk, everyone, his mouths gonna be dry!'

Fish Grease Hot

This is a Christmas you're going to want to stay away from.  Fish Grease is HOT. HOT baby. You can't cook fish in cold grease. That would just be a soggy piece of fish. You need that grease to be HOT. Mars hot. Inside of a mouth, hot. This Christmas is going to be spitting oil in your face hot. When's it fish grease Christmas, you can kiss your undies goodbye. It'll just be napkins over the crotch kind of hot.

Napkin Over The Crotch Hot

Oooooo, this one here? THIS will be a hot Christmas. This Christmas will be SO HOT, that even Hanes, breathable, affordable, comfortable Hanes, will be like putting a furnace on your genitals. The ONLY thing you'll be able to toss over the jewels is a White Castle napkin. 

'What about a KFC napkin?'

Try them out. You'll see. White Castle napkins have the lowest thread count of any napkin. White Castle napkin is the ONLY breathable, affordable, comfortable napkin for your privates on this hot Christmas. 

Hollywood Hogan in '97 Hot

If you were old enough to remember this, you know this is a Christmas you're going to be walking in thong sandals in. Hogan in '97 was HOT. Hot, daddy. Man was cooking eggs just by looking at them. Bread was becoming toast when Hogan walked by. Then that toast became French Toast if he stayed in the room a minute. Man could leg drop an ice berg and melt it he was so hot. This Christmas is going to be twenty thousand screaming fans in an arena hot. Weathermen are going to be ripping their shirts off on this one.

'Well we're standing next to a mountain, chop it down, with 32 degrees celsius this Christmas! Standing next to a mountain, and it's 32 degrees celsius, on Jesus birthday!'

Snow Will Be Talked About In Past Tense Hot

Christmas keeps getting hotter, and snow on Christmas will be a distant memory. Snow will be shown on Christmas in museums. Snow on Christmas will be in history books. People will talk about it. 

'Remember snow?'

'Yeah, I remember snow, Gary. I remember snow, blockbuster, Pepsi Blue. Any other GEMS to drop today, GARY?'

'.... No.'

'It's snowing' will never be said again. Soon will be replaced with sand. You'll know it's Christmas time when the world outside your window looks like Mad Max. 

'Look! The cars covered in sand! People are walking around wearing goggles with scarves wrapped around their faces! It's Christmas time in the city!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh