4 Reasons It's Sad Diners Are Closing

Diners have been in a decline in New York over the last few years. One reason is the pandemic, another is rising rents, another is younger people aren’t going into the diner business. Why WORK at a diner when you can start a YouTube channel where you REVIEW diners and make a million a year from views alone and be sponsored by ManScaped? There’s no one working at a diner sponsored by nothing.

‘You guys ready to order? And before you tell me let me tell YOU about BetterHelp. BetterHelp allows you to get therapy from the comfortable of your own bed, toilet, or cold plunge. Why see a therapist in person when you’re too full of anxiety to even take a phone call? Try BetterHelp today with promo code ‘Your Server’ and get 20% off. BetterHelp. Get that thing about your dad off your chest by texting a bot from the tub…’

‘… Can I get sweet potato fries?’

Diners have things that others restaurants just don’t, and if they keep closing, for condos or tech start ups or yet another smoke shop/ping pong place/parking lot, these things are going to disappear. Here are four of these things.

1. HUGE MENUS

   Diners have it all. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, after hours breakfast lunch dinner lunch. Cereal. Cake. Steak. Mozza sticks. Cinnamon toast. Perogies and chicken parm and onion on a burger in a burger . Every diner should just be called ‘We got it!’, because they have everything you could even possibly want in there. It’s like being in Richie Rich’s pantry. Sixty two page menu with any type of thing you could think of. And, if for some reason, you scan through this biblically sized thing and DON’T find something you want? A diner will make it for you.

   ‘Look I’m having a weird day. Possible to get fruit loops in my Monte Cristo sandwich with a bowl of soup?’

   ‘… Wife leave you for your kids pan flute teacher?’

   ‘Yeah! How’d you know?’

   ‘Worked here a long time, man. I’ve seen it all. How would you like your Fruit Loops cooked?’

2. OPEN 24/7

   Can you go to Chili’s at 2am? Is Applebees serving their ‘Bottomless Wing Shrimp Cocktail With Cheese’ at 3:58am? No. Everyone working there has been in a dive bar doing coke for hours at this point. A diner? Buddy. She’s open. Doesn’t matter when you’d like extra crispy bacon with your rice pudding. Diners open and diners got it. Pull in here whenever you want. Lunch at 8am. Dinner at 9am. Waffle made entirely of whipped cream at 1:26am. Who cares. She's open and she’s got it.

3. EVERY WALK OF LIFE WELCOME

   Can you see a guy who’s lived in a van for the last six years sitting at a table next to a table of businessmen at a steakhouse? Will you see a group of drunk college students in a booth beside two women who are on the run from their husbands and met Brad Pitt and will ultimately drive off a cliff at that new seafood restaurant? No. This type of intermingling only happens at a diner. The young. The elderly. The sick. The tired. The construction worker. The lawyer. The newly unemployed and the just had an interview. The people living above ground and the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. All walks of life come through these doors.

4. ALL TYPES OF CONVERSATIONS

   Due to the fact that every walk of life comes through here, every type of conversation is being had in here. At all levels as well. Some people are talking about that thing the doctor found on their bag at a VERY loud level, while someone who holds the keys to the universe is whispering them to their friend. You can hear a woman talking to a hitman about killing her ‘lumpy, crumpled dick, absolute loser’ husband, and a guy talking about how he’s going to propose to his ‘unlumpy, non dicked, pretty cool’ girlfriend on your way to the bathroom. Cop talking about the weight of the belt he has to wear, teacher talking about the kid that bit her when she took his Nintendo Switch, the Nintendo Switch sitting alone trying to decide between Key Lime Pie or the BBQ Buster Burger, it’s all here. And it might not be at some point soonish. So get into a diner, at any time, for anything, to talk about everything, today.

Places You CAN'T Dump A Dead Bear In New York City

Recently Presidential candidate and ‘BoFlex’ enthusiast RFK. Jr (man’s name is all letters), told a story about dumping the carcass of a bear in Central Park. Was he walking through Central Park when a bear jumped out at him and he had to put it in the Boston Crab until it’s back snapped? Did the bear owe the mob money and RFK. Jr was a hitman at the time? No. RFK was driving down a highway, a bear jumped out in front of another driver who hit it, and RFK pulled over, collected the bear so that he could skin it and take the meat (not sure if this actually happened but this is what he said he took the bear for) and then dumped the dead bear in Central Park. That’s right. Not even back on the highway from whence it came. A global landmark is where this body needed to go.

Why wouldn’t he call animal control? Why would he carry an animal corpse through Central Park shirtless while covered in baby oil? Surely there are OTHER places to dump an expired woodland creatures body after you take its fur. Well hold on, because if you think about it, what RFK. Jr has/had done here is pretty ingenious. There might be only ONE places you could throw Baloo in New York without being caught, and here are a few options that are NOT that.

1. TIMES SQUARE

   So you’re tooling around in your Ford F-150, and out of nowhere a black bear decides to see if it really is built ‘Ford Tough’. Bam! Bears head blows right off, and now here you are, Waylon Jennings on the radio and a bear cadaver on your hood. Where do you dump it? Times Square? Seems like a good idea, you think, nobody’s gonna see this what with all the advertisements to look at… wrong. There are a LOT of people there, and they are NOT bears. Also all of the lights are on. Constantly. You’ll be caught in a second. Central Park absolutely beats dumping your new dead friend beside a guy dressed like Spider-Man. Head up town.

2. THE SUBWAY

   Who’s going to notice a deceased brown bear on the A Train? There’s a guy selling pigeons, people putting on a dance show and a mother of three trying to figure out where the fourth one went. Nobody will notice this dead bear I accidentally killed at the Bronx zoo here! Wrong. People don’t pay attention to the ‘Showtime!’ people, the pigeon sellers, or care at all if someone lost their child, but riding beside a full dead bear? That’s going to raise some eyebrows. TAKING the A Train to Central Park to DUMP the dead bear will suprisingly NOT come off as suspicious, but just leaving it there?! No dice. Head to the park.

3. THE CYCLONE IN CONEY ISLAND

   You’ve had a long day of following people on the highway hoping they hit a bear you can steal, and finally, someone does. You pull over, yell to the person in the other vehicle ‘stay in your car! That’s MY meat!’ as you run over and pick up this animal. Once you skin it and make a little hat, where do you put it? Well, you’ve always wanted to ride the rollercoaster in Coney Island, maybe this can be a two for one? Have a littler excitement and dump my dead friend. Nobody will suspect a thing if I leave him on the… wrong. People will notice. A LOT of people. First one? The carney working the ride. This isn’t his first rodeo when it comes to furless, meat pulled off of them dead animals. He’s been living on the land and cans of beans for years. Nothing gets passed him. Want to leave it on his ride? BAD idea, hombre. Get to Central and toss it in a bush.

So you see, RFK.Jr made the right decision. He dumped the bear in just about the ONE place where nobody would find him out for dumping it, until he one day for absolutely zero reason decided to tell people that he was the one who Jimmy Hoffa’d this Asiatic. Thank god New York keeps this parking/dead body dumping ground alive.

Stephen Hawking And The Epstein List

The names of people who have apparently been to Epstein island are starting to come out. One of the names is Stephen ‘I talked like a microwave’ Hawking. Yes. This man apparently took the Lolita Express to a tropical island, and these articles make it sound like HE did that. He just decided on his own, took all of the necessary steps on his own, packed his own bag and got himself there. Are we going to pretend this is the case?

Stephen Hawking was confined/locked in/strapped to/imprisoned by/completely bolted to/a chair. He couldn’t even go to the kitchen easily, let alone get on a jet. Buddy couldn’t just get his own coffee, let alone head to a runway. It took two people to put put his pants on, let alone get on a plane. Travelling for Stephen Hawking wasn’t EASY even from bed to chair. There are zero steps there, but still almost an impossible feat. The person who had to drag this small robot out of the sheets and into a space chair could easily drop him, he rolls under the bed, never to be seen again.

But these articles mention it as if he could just do this. ‘Stephen Hawking was on the island!’ Yeah, all right, I’m with you, but who got him there? For him to go to the island means there’s at least four people who had to get him to the island. They had to okay all of this. Stephen Hawking, even with his futuristic voice box Robocop speech isn’t calling any shots. If someone doesn’t want to do it, it’s not happening.

‘I. SAID. MAKE. ME. A. SANDWICH.’

‘You also said clean your room, your electric elf! Give me a second!’

So if he rolls up to you, says ‘AIRPORT,’ and you have to take all of the steps to make that possible. You have to grab his travel size sunscreen and head down there with him. Where are THESE people? Who are they? They have to know what was going on down there. I mean they have to bathe this tiny author, they don’t see anything? How is that? Do they pack his little sandals, Sprinter Van him to the airport, haul him up into a jet, make sure he’s good on a flight, feed him, then when they land just leave it up to him?

‘THANK. YOU. I’VE. GOT. IT. FROM. HERE.’

Stephen hits a little blue tooth speaker with his cheek muscle that starts playing The Beach Boys ‘Kokomo’ as he rolls towards an underage orgy, and the few people who got him there just wait in the jet? Seeing nothing? Aware of nothing? Let’s say that IS even somehow the case. The people who got him there DO just hang out in a jet on a runway for a few days. What does Stephen say when he rolls back up?

‘WOW. THE. BEACH. IS. SO. NICE. MY. WHEELS. ONLY. GOT. STUCK. IN. THE. SAND. TWICE. THE. SUN. GIVES. ME. THE. POWER. TO. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS. FOR. ME. THAT. YOU. NORMALLY. DO. BACK. HOME…. PLEASE. HELP. ME. BACK. INTO. JET. DON’T. DROP. ME.’

Stephen Hawking COULD write books with his facial muscles on his own but there is ZERO chance he got anywhere close to this island by simply blowing into a tube. A small team of people got him there.