Stephen Hawking And The Epstein List

The names of people who have apparently been to Epstein island are starting to come out. One of the names is Stephen ‘I talked like a microwave’ Hawking. Yes. This man apparently took the Lolita Express to a tropical island, and these articles make it sound like HE did that. He just decided on his own, took all of the necessary steps on his own, packed his own bag and got himself there. Are we going to pretend this is the case?

Stephen Hawking was confined/locked in/strapped to/imprisoned by/completely bolted to/a chair. He couldn’t even go to the kitchen easily, let alone get on a jet. Buddy couldn’t just get his own coffee, let alone head to a runway. It took two people to put put his pants on, let alone get on a plane. Travelling for Stephen Hawking wasn’t EASY even from bed to chair. There are zero steps there, but still almost an impossible feat. The person who had to drag this small robot out of the sheets and into a space chair could easily drop him, he rolls under the bed, never to be seen again.

But these articles mention it as if he could just do this. ‘Stephen Hawking was on the island!’ Yeah, all right, I’m with you, but who got him there? For him to go to the island means there’s at least four people who had to get him to the island. They had to okay all of this. Stephen Hawking, even with his futuristic voice box Robocop speech isn’t calling any shots. If someone doesn’t want to do it, it’s not happening.

‘I. SAID. MAKE. ME. A. SANDWICH.’

‘You also said clean your room, your electric elf! Give me a second!’

So if he rolls up to you, says ‘AIRPORT,’ and you have to take all of the steps to make that possible. You have to grab his travel size sunscreen and head down there with him. Where are THESE people? Who are they? They have to know what was going on down there. I mean they have to bathe this tiny author, they don’t see anything? How is that? Do they pack his little sandals, Sprinter Van him to the airport, haul him up into a jet, make sure he’s good on a flight, feed him, then when they land just leave it up to him?

‘THANK. YOU. I’VE. GOT. IT. FROM. HERE.’

Stephen hits a little blue tooth speaker with his cheek muscle that starts playing The Beach Boys ‘Kokomo’ as he rolls towards an underage orgy, and the few people who got him there just wait in the jet? Seeing nothing? Aware of nothing? Let’s say that IS even somehow the case. The people who got him there DO just hang out in a jet on a runway for a few days. What does Stephen say when he rolls back up?

‘WOW. THE. BEACH. IS. SO. NICE. MY. WHEELS. ONLY. GOT. STUCK. IN. THE. SAND. TWICE. THE. SUN. GIVES. ME. THE. POWER. TO. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS. FOR. ME. THAT. YOU. NORMALLY. DO. BACK. HOME…. PLEASE. HELP. ME. BACK. INTO. JET. DON’T. DROP. ME.’

Stephen Hawking COULD write books with his facial muscles on his own but there is ZERO chance he got anywhere close to this island by simply blowing into a tube. A small team of people got him there.

Tabasco Is Offensive

The health department should hand out violations to any restaurant that only has Tabasco for hot sauce. ANY restaurant that brings you Tabasco when you say, ‘Do you have hot sauce?’ should be given a B rating. EVERY restaurant that thinks TABASCO is an acceptable HOT SAUCE should have their rent tripled. ALL restaurants that only have Tabasco for hot sauce should be filled with cement. Restaurants should feel ashamed to have this as the only option. Tabasco is not hot sauce. It is not vinegar. It is basically peppered, puddle water that’s been heated by the sun.

Servers who work at a restaurant that only has Tabacco know what they are bringing to the table. They hold their head down, with zero confidence, toss it on the table before you even catch what’s happened, then probably go in the back and plead to a manager.

‘You have to buy new hot sauce. I CAN’T bring this to tables anymore.’

‘Gotta keep costs low, that’s why I walk under bridges and catch the water that drips from them into a bottle.’

‘They want HOT SAUCE, not bridge drippings!’

‘They don’t know what they want! That’s why the menu here is 76 pages.’

‘78!’

‘78! Even better.’

No server puts Tabasco on the table with confidence. They don’t go, ‘And here you are. TABASCO! That’s the REAL stuff. Tabasco! Can you BELIEVE that we have this?!’

I can’t. This place should be closed. There are a SELECT GROUP OF HUMANS who could even POSSIBLY find Tabasco passable.

1. POWs

Were you captured during war times? Did you spend time in a hole where you had to drink your own piss to stay alive? Did a Vietnamese guard stand over top of you yelling ‘didi mao!’ holding a chicken while you tried to figure out WHAT the hell he wanted? Then Tabasco is for you. You might even enjoy it JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE than tossing your legs behind your head and using your own mouth for a urinal. Being held in a bamboo cage while you’re poked with hot steel prepares for you something like Tabasco being the only option for your meal.

2. Anyone who lived through The Great Depression

One day you’re riding high, betting on the big James J. Braddock vs Ulysses FarmBurner fight, next day you’re selling your spoons for bread. For YEARS you walk to the docks every day trying to get work to no avail. You fill the holes in your shoes with newspaper that everyday reads ‘Guess what? We’re still depressed!’ and the bank will only let you take out one dollar a week, then Tabasco is for you.

‘Here’s what we can do for dinner. I can bake socks or pour Tabasco into your hand.’

‘Can I have Tabasco ON the socks?’

‘Then WHAT will we eat for the rest of the week, James?’

Tabasco should be the face of the Great Depression.

‘Hey, could be worse,. You could be living in Central Park drinking beer made in a wash basin out of a boot. Or a bottle with a red top… Tabasco.’

If you lived through the dirty 30s, you won’t mind a splash of Tabasco on your monte cristo.

3. Anyone who enjoys being kicked in the balls

Do you like someone kicking you directly in the mangos? Are you a fan of placing your bare sack on a hardwood floor while a woman in heels steps on it and calls you a cuck? Then you COULD be in the market for Tabasco. Tabasco does for you mouth what that human in work boots whose leg is cocked back does to your testicles. Hurts it. Destroys it. Not. One. Favour. If having your marbles rocked gets you off, then Tabasco on your burger is for you.

@nathanmacintosh