Five Ways To Make Cyber Monday More Fair

Holy hell! Cyber Monday is here. Are you ready to get online and buy things with your credit card while wearing a robe and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch? 

'Wait, I don't eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'm trying to be healthy. I'm trying to ea...'

Shut up, nerd! Are you ready or not?

'...Yes, I'm ready.'

Good! Then grab your card, grab your bag, your focus and get to work! You've been waiting for this day. You avoided Black Friday so that you could not be punched in the face over that dish set you want. Why get stabbed for some forks when you can sit at home half naked and get them sent to your door? 

'That's what I'm saying! I can sit at home, wearing my Homer Simpson slippers and just kick back, press ord...'

Shut up, nerd! Cyber Monday is coming! The thing is - Black Friday used to be the only day. It used to be the ONE day that gave you deals. You wanted those deals? You had to lace up the gloves and punch your way into that store. Now? Cyber Monday. 

Now, is it fair that some people (people who don't have credit cards, don't have access to the internet, don't care that people will take video of them being animals, don't understand that you DON'T have to throw yourself into a pile of people for cheap headphones) have to throw themselves into a pile of people for cheap headphones and various other deals? No. No, it is not. It is NOT fair that someone who only deals in cash and whose credit score is in the toilet has to fight a mom jacked on Red Bull for swim trunks. 

Cyber Monday is the same as Black Friday except that it's participated in by people who have no heart. No drive. No 'get up and smash someone.' It's like playing a UFC video game and calling yourself a fighter. Cyber Monday has the same deals as Black Friday, but are gotten in completely different ways. You want these deals, but don't want put your body on the line? Fine, but there are a few ways that we can make Cyber Monday deals a bit more fair.

When The Package You Ordered On Cyber Monday Is Dropped Off, Fight The Delivery Man

If you had been a human with the heart of a lion, you would have went into that store three days ago and bit someone's face to get that toaster. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it with no blood on your hands. Well, not anymore. When the delivery man shows up, you have to fight him for it. He's been up all night, drinking coffee, doing push ups. He's angry. He's shirtless. You want that toaster with the bagel toasting option? Time to earn it. 

Cutting Your Face With A Watch As You Order A Product

If you had been a human with the heart of a Sasquatch, you would have gone to that store on Black Friday and kicked a mother in the shin for that cheap bicycle pump. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, when you knew there was no chance of being hurt. Well, not anymore. If you HAD gone to the store to get that sweet, sweet bicycle pump, chances are you would have had to dive on the floor to hold onto the cord as a man dragged it away. He would have swiped back to knock you off, and cut your face with his watch. You would have let one hand go, only to look up and see this monster tackled by another creature who needed to get through him. Now you are the bicycle pump owner. So as you order it from the comfort of your house, slash your face with a Swatch for the ultimate experience. You want that pump? Time to earn it. 

Ask Your Partner To Kick You In The Head

If you were a human with the heart of a cuttlefish, you would have blasted into that store on Black Friday and fought your way to that Playstation 4. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it to be delivered to you in the comfort of your Hanes Undershorts. Well, not anymore. As you press 'Order' on that PS4, have your husband or wife kick you in the side of the head. There's a HUGE chance that had you gone in on Friday, a man with a short temper and long legs would have hit you in the temple with a spin kick from a size twelve Sketcher for the entertainment system. Is it fair that you don't have to go through that? No. You want that video game box? Have your partner gorilla kick you in the head while you order. Time to earn it.

Jam Yourselves Between A Set Of Doors

If you were a human being with the heart of the girl from The Ring, you would have flash kicked your way into that store on Black Friday for that FitBit. But you didn't. You played it safe and waited until Cyber Monday and ordered it without the screams of people being beaten within an inch of their life around you. Well, not anymore. If you had run into a store with thousands of deranged maniacs, you would have been squeezed between a set of doors, screaming, 'I just want to know how many steps I'm taking!' As you press 'Place Order' while wearing thong sandals in your living room on Cyber Monday, smash yourself in a door. Jam yourself between a door and door frame while screaming, 'I'm saving a couple of bucks!' You really want to know how many steps you're taking a day? Time to earn it.

Smash The Windows Out Of Your Car

If you were a human being with the heart of a winged beast, you would have Batman swung your way into a store on Black Friday for those Dockers. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, where no one will be chasing your vehicle out of the parking lot because you got the last pair. Is that fair? No. As you're pressing 'I'll Buy This Damn Thing Now,' you should be out in your driveway, smashing your windshield with your forearm. Bashing your forearm into your windshield, while screaming, 'I need those Dockers you piece of garbage!' the way some man with three kids he barely wanted would have done if you had the balls to go out on Black Friday. You want those Dockers? Time to earn them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 Measurements Of How Close Thanksgiving and Christmas Are

In Canada, Thanksgiving is in October. Some Americans make fun of that.

'Thanksgiving in October? Oh man. When is your Christmas? 2017?! hahahaha!'

Make fun of the way Canada does Thanksgiving, but it happens a good two months before Christmas. In America? Not the same. Thanksgiving and Christmas are smashed together. Don't think Thanksgiving and Christmas are too close together? Here are some units of distant between the two. 

Four Weeks

There are four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas in America. That's it. Four weeks. You have to give half of that time as notice to quit your job at Jamba Juice. If you gave double the notice, it would be Christmas. You give double notice on Thanksgiving? You are walking out of Jamba Juice with your last Kale/Eggnog smoothie on Saint Nicholas's big day. 

730 Hours

That is how many hours are in a month. 730 hours is the distant from Thanksgiving to Christmas. 730 hours after smashing turkey into your body, you are sitting on a floor opening presents under a tree that you smashed into your house. 730 hours after yelling at Aunt Bev to stop beaking about her embroidered sweater and pass the cranberries, you're yelling at Aunt Bev to put out her embroidered sweater that burst into flames because she dipped her arm into candle. Doesn't seem like enough time between the two. 

317 Viewings of The Dark Knight

Right after Thanksgiving, you think 'Screw it. I'm going to lay under a blanket with my bag in a tub of butter, and watch The Dark Knight until Christmas.' Well, you should know that you can only watch The Dark Knight 317 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas in America. 'What? But that's not enough time to REALLY get a deep buttering of my bag' you think to yourself. That's right. It isn't. You have to give more notice than this to move out of an apartment. You have to give 634 viewings of The Dark Knight notice to leave a building, but for some reason half of those viewings are fine distant between two super holidays. 

Two Maybe Three Gas Tank Fill Ups

Let's say you just use your car to cruise around your town. You're not hauling banana's across the country. You're not setting out on some sort of 'have to see Mount Rushmore AND Miami in the same day' adventure. You are just going to and from work, five days a week. You'll hit that gas station three times. In that time, two major holidays have happened. You hop in your car after Thanksgiving, drive around your village, the third time you hit that gas station, it's Christmas. Maybe two. You'll be at a pump, 'Jumping Christ! It's Christmas! I didn't get anybody anything. Hope they like gas station hot dogs and beef jerky. Thank you, Wawa! It's a Christmas miracle.'

13,904 Listens of RhineStone Cowboy

You can ONLY listen to Country Music Superstar's Glenn Campbell sing Rhinestone Cowboy 13,904 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's insane. Day after Thanksgiving, you lock your iPhone into Rhinestone Cowboy, gear that sucker up 13,904 times, and it's Christmas. Hey, you might love the song enough that the first listen is Christmas. But you'd be an idiot and wrong. It's 13,904 til Christmas. 

Really Long Arms

If you had SUPER long arms, you could reach from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Easy. I mean, you need REALLY long arms. Arms long enough to reach into the future and bring two days with some distance between them together, but, it COULD be done. Arms that break the space time continuum and reach towards a day in the future or past, depending on where you are at the time? POSSible between these two days. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh