Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: Christmas

8 Measurements Of Hot Future Christmas's Will Be

This Holiday season is a hot one! We're taking habanero pepper hot. We're talking banana pepper hot. We're talking any pepper other than green hot. We're talking HEAT baby. Christmas itself is forecast right now to be as nice as a spring day. Hot Chocolate will be able to be made by just leaving a cup of cold chocolate outside and letting the sun do it's job. This so far is one of the hottest winters in recent history, and will only get hotter. How hotter? Lot hotter. 

Opening Night To A Star Wars Movie Hot

If you've walked the earth that last forty years, you know these are HOT. Piping hot. Scald your bag hot. Waiting in a hallway with a ton of people wearing a jedi robe with butter on their hands hot. Weathermen are going to have a day on Tatooine with this. 

'It's a hot one out there. It's like a ten year wait between Star Wars movies hot! It's a brand new director and a different direction of a beloved franchise hot! Toss your shirt in the trash and get the sunscreen! George Lucas has nothing to do with this heat!'

Charlie Sheen After That Interview Hot

Woa, baby. You remember this. Tiger Blood. After this? Sheen was hotter than a grilled cheese sandwich covered in Frank's Red Hot. Sheen was hot enough to turn water into tea as he stomped past. The man went from being a person who had never performed on stage to selling out huge places to screaming fans. Weatherman's going to have a field day with this.

'This Christmas, expect to be winning with this unseasonal heat! It's hot enough to call your boss a faggot and still be able to sell out theatres! Santa will have poetry in his fingertips tonight!'

Grilled Cheese Covered In Franks Red Hot Hot

Woa, daddy. You ever pick up a grilled cheese sandwich right out of the pan? Yow, that'll burn you. You ever then toss Frank's Red Hot on the top and take a bite of this damn this? Wooooo, daddy your mouth burning. Your mouth BURNing. When your mouth is on fire like that, you will KNOW that it is about time to open presents under the tree. Weathermen are going to be snapping their gums to this.

'It's a hot one out there today. Merry Christmas and take a sip of that milk yourself. If Santa can see through this fog, he MIGHT be able to make it to you house. Hot cheese weather out there.'

Camp Fire Hot

Ever been near a camp fire? Ever fallen in and burnt your left leg, your dominate leg? Ever try to put the fire out with your right leg and fall over into the fire? Then you KNOW how awful this Christmas is going to be. It's going to feel like two burnt legs on an upcoming Christmas. The weather man on this day will be holding a flashlight under his chin telling creepy stories about monsters that live in the woods to this one.

'Tonight's forecast? OOOooooooooo..... Hot. Santa will be covering himself in bug spray to block the mosquito's from his face hot. He'll be wearing a mesh tank top. Put ice cubes in those glasses milk, everyone, his mouths gonna be dry!'

Fish Grease Hot

This is a Christmas you're going to want to stay away from.  Fish Grease is HOT. HOT baby. You can't cook fish in cold grease. That would just be a soggy piece of fish. You need that grease to be HOT. Mars hot. Inside of a mouth, hot. This Christmas is going to be spitting oil in your face hot. When's it fish grease Christmas, you can kiss your undies goodbye. It'll just be napkins over the crotch kind of hot.

Napkin Over The Crotch Hot

Oooooo, this one here? THIS will be a hot Christmas. This Christmas will be SO HOT, that even Hanes, breathable, affordable, comfortable Hanes, will be like putting a furnace on your genitals. The ONLY thing you'll be able to toss over the jewels is a White Castle napkin. 

'What about a KFC napkin?'

Try them out. You'll see. White Castle napkins have the lowest thread count of any napkin. White Castle napkin is the ONLY breathable, affordable, comfortable napkin for your privates on this hot Christmas. 

Hollywood Hogan in '97 Hot

If you were old enough to remember this, you know this is a Christmas you're going to be walking in thong sandals in. Hogan in '97 was HOT. Hot, daddy. Man was cooking eggs just by looking at them. Bread was becoming toast when Hogan walked by. Then that toast became French Toast if he stayed in the room a minute. Man could leg drop an ice berg and melt it he was so hot. This Christmas is going to be twenty thousand screaming fans in an arena hot. Weathermen are going to be ripping their shirts off on this one.

'Well we're standing next to a mountain, chop it down, with 32 degrees celsius this Christmas! Standing next to a mountain, and it's 32 degrees celsius, on Jesus birthday!'

Snow Will Be Talked About In Past Tense Hot

Christmas keeps getting hotter, and snow on Christmas will be a distant memory. Snow will be shown on Christmas in museums. Snow on Christmas will be in history books. People will talk about it. 

'Remember snow?'

'Yeah, I remember snow, Gary. I remember snow, blockbuster, Pepsi Blue. Any other GEMS to drop today, GARY?'

'.... No.'

'It's snowing' will never be said again. Soon will be replaced with sand. You'll know it's Christmas time when the world outside your window looks like Mad Max. 

'Look! The cars covered in sand! People are walking around wearing goggles with scarves wrapped around their faces! It's Christmas time in the city!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 Measurements Of How Close Thanksgiving and Christmas Are

In Canada, Thanksgiving is in October. Some Americans make fun of that.

'Thanksgiving in October? Oh man. When is your Christmas? 2017?! hahahaha!'

Make fun of the way Canada does Thanksgiving, but it happens a good two months before Christmas. In America? Not the same. Thanksgiving and Christmas are smashed together. Don't think Thanksgiving and Christmas are too close together? Here are some units of distant between the two. 

Four Weeks

There are four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas in America. That's it. Four weeks. You have to give half of that time as notice to quit your job at Jamba Juice. If you gave double the notice, it would be Christmas. You give double notice on Thanksgiving? You are walking out of Jamba Juice with your last Kale/Eggnog smoothie on Saint Nicholas's big day. 

730 Hours

That is how many hours are in a month. 730 hours is the distant from Thanksgiving to Christmas. 730 hours after smashing turkey into your body, you are sitting on a floor opening presents under a tree that you smashed into your house. 730 hours after yelling at Aunt Bev to stop beaking about her embroidered sweater and pass the cranberries, you're yelling at Aunt Bev to put out her embroidered sweater that burst into flames because she dipped her arm into candle. Doesn't seem like enough time between the two. 

317 Viewings of The Dark Knight

Right after Thanksgiving, you think 'Screw it. I'm going to lay under a blanket with my bag in a tub of butter, and watch The Dark Knight until Christmas.' Well, you should know that you can only watch The Dark Knight 317 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas in America. 'What? But that's not enough time to REALLY get a deep buttering of my bag' you think to yourself. That's right. It isn't. You have to give more notice than this to move out of an apartment. You have to give 634 viewings of The Dark Knight notice to leave a building, but for some reason half of those viewings are fine distant between two super holidays. 

Two Maybe Three Gas Tank Fill Ups

Let's say you just use your car to cruise around your town. You're not hauling banana's across the country. You're not setting out on some sort of 'have to see Mount Rushmore AND Miami in the same day' adventure. You are just going to and from work, five days a week. You'll hit that gas station three times. In that time, two major holidays have happened. You hop in your car after Thanksgiving, drive around your village, the third time you hit that gas station, it's Christmas. Maybe two. You'll be at a pump, 'Jumping Christ! It's Christmas! I didn't get anybody anything. Hope they like gas station hot dogs and beef jerky. Thank you, Wawa! It's a Christmas miracle.'

13,904 Listens of RhineStone Cowboy

You can ONLY listen to Country Music Superstar's Glenn Campbell sing Rhinestone Cowboy 13,904 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's insane. Day after Thanksgiving, you lock your iPhone into Rhinestone Cowboy, gear that sucker up 13,904 times, and it's Christmas. Hey, you might love the song enough that the first listen is Christmas. But you'd be an idiot and wrong. It's 13,904 til Christmas. 

Really Long Arms

If you had SUPER long arms, you could reach from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Easy. I mean, you need REALLY long arms. Arms long enough to reach into the future and bring two days with some distance between them together, but, it COULD be done. Arms that break the space time continuum and reach towards a day in the future or past, depending on where you are at the time? POSSible between these two days. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Fringe people. Do they get gifts?

Christmas time! That means presents and gifts for people you really know, and maybe some for some you don't. Who do you get gifts for? Everyone you know? Only people that have been to your house? It's hard to tell. Here is a list of fringe people in your life and whether you should get gifts for them. 

Person at work you want to sex.

Do you get them a gift? Everyday they walk through the office and you want to blow them. So does that mean they get a gift? If you've never slept with them, this could be a way in. But even better, don't get them anything. You know who people want to have sex with? People who they think hate them. 

A guy you work with who tells you racist jokes.

I mean, this guy is always on. Always on racist jokes, but still. They are always racist. Does this guy need a gift? He's made you laugh a couple of times. He has great thoughts about polish people and black people walking into the same bar. But no, this human does not need anything from you.  Around this time of year, just laugh extra hard at these dumb jokes in lieu of a gift. That's all he wants anyway. You could even tell him a joke in his style.

"A racist man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a gift. The bartender says, 'Stop telling these ridiculous jokes, Barry! It's 2014!"

Your girlfriends best friend.

No. 

Dad of a guy you met five times.

This one is tough. You met a guy five times. But, you liked him. You'd like to hang out with him more. How do you do that? You can't give him a gift. You only met him five times! That's insanity. So, get his dad a gift. Yeah! Dads don't get a lot of gifts as it is. Also, the guy you met five times will appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to hunt down his dads address, break into his house and find out what size his shirt is, and get him a shirt! You'll be hanging out with that guy for the sixth time, and his dad will  be shocked by a gift from a human he doesn't know. 

You're a man. A best friends wife.

 

Can you just get her a gift for her alone? Well, no. Not unless you are trying to steal her away from your best friend. Not unless you are secretly doing the Christmas Secret Santa stocking stuffer under the tree sex dance. If you are not, you have to get her and him a together gift, and give it to them while they are together. Or just mail it to them or whatever. But gift for her alone and given to her alone? You are not a good person. You are a demon who can not be trusted around anyone's partner. 

The cashier you see every week grocery shopping.

You two have a repoire. You have over twelve items? She waves you in anyway. You don't have your points card for the discounts and sales? She gives them to you anyway. So, Christmas time, do you give them a gift? No. For gods sake. Of course not. This is a CASHIER, at a place that you SHOP. Is it your mom? Your sister? Somebody at work that you want to do the Christmas wrapping pantsless eggnog dance with? Then no. You want others to see you handing a gift to a cashier? Your funeral, bud. Your funeral.

Jesus Christ. Lord and Saviour. 

The whole day is supposed to be celebrating him. He died for our sins, and was born on Christmas so that we could all wear sweatpants and go buy popcorn in the theatre. So, do you get Jesus a gift? First, what do you get the man who has everything? Do you get him anything anyway? Answer is... no. What an ignorant thing to get Jesus a gift. He's the son of god! You work at Wal- mart! He needs something from you? Please. He can turn water into wine. He doesn't need your chotchkies. Also, how do you get it to him? Leave it at a church? Throw it into the sky? Just calm down. He's fine without the 'Don't Pray To Me Before I've Had My Morning Coffee' mug.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

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